Things You Learn From Slash

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Fanwork
Title: Things You Learn From Slash
Creator: Josephine Darcy
Date(s): originally created in 2000 or before, updated at least once in 2007
Medium:
Fandom:
External Links: online here and here
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Things You Learn From Slash is a fanwork by Josephine Darcy.

It is a list of tropes.

Josephine Darcy's description: "A list taken from various television shows and the reams of Slash Fiction floating around on the net. Represented so far: The Sentinel, Highlander, The Professionals, Due South, Star Trek, X-files, Blake7, Doctor Who, Hercules, Quantum Leap, and Star Wars. Harry Potter added. Updated 2/10/2007"

The creator writes: "Special thanks to the following contributors: Angela, Deb, Kadru, K'Kathy, Temaris, Eileen, Geli, Taleya Joinson, Rainy, Michelle Deeming, Grabb, Cmshaw, Fern, Cat, MJ, LindaTo, Carolyn, Lisa, and Ann -- your additions were much appreciated!!!!"

The List

1. Jim seriously needs a bigger hot water tank.

2. Prison rape still happens in the 24th century... at least it does at Auckland.

3. Admiral Paris is a real jerk.

4. Blair really does have a nipple ring.

5. There seems to be a run on almond scented massage oil in Cascade/Seacover/Paris/The Delta Quadrant/DS9/D.C./Tunguska.

6. It's entirely possible to get your arm cut off without actually losing any body parts.

7. Lord Byron had a thing for a certain 5000 year old man.

8. 400 years and Duncan never experimented... okay, we're not counting that whole Fitz thing.

9. Wolves... either as Spirit Guides, or deaf sidekicks... always approve of Jim/Blair, Paris/Chakotay and Fraser/Ray pairings.

10. A lot more happened down that Chute than TPTB showed us!

11. They still wear blue jeans in the 24th century.

12. Blair has a nice herbal scent.

13. The main characters are always the last to know.

14. A remarkable amount of beer gets consumed in Seacover.

15. Duncan has an equally remarkable number of beer caps behind his refrigerator.

16. Stories about the Innuit are apparently a real turn on.

17. House rules... enough said...

18. Mulder really does have a bedroom.

19. That whole autoerotic asphyxiation thing wasn't just a joke!

20. At least 4000 years of Methos' 5000 years was spent in various states of agony and humiliation.

21. Agony and humiliation totally prepares you for the love of a lifetime... just ask Paris and Methos!

22. The innocent looking ones -- Ensign Kim, Blair, Fraiser -- are never as innocent as they appear.

23. For a paranoid FBI agent, Mulder is remarkably clueless about installing a good security system in his apartment.

24. Krycek can break into any apartment... with or without two hand.

25. No one bothers to lock Holodeck doors!

26. A certain starship has an endless supply of shuttle crafts (okay... you didn't need to read slash to figure this one out!)

27. If every character that has ever been slashed crash-landed on the same planet together... the natives would still only abuse Tom Paris.

28. "Putting out" is in the job description for a Vice cop.

29. No one leaves the Mercs totally straight.

30. CI5 and Elves... there is a connection.

31. Gods of War find cute, skinny, geeky warriors very attractive.

32. Men, straight or otherwise, always have tubes of lube stored in handy places... under couch cushions, in nightstands, kitchen drawers, glove boxes, back pockets, backpacks, holodecks. They never run out.

33. Coincidentally, most men also have handcuffs laying about.

34. Incacha did more than just "guide."

35. Let's hear it for 24th century technology... turbo-lifts stall all the time, shuttle crafts crash, and transporters stop working the moment someone gets stuck in a cave or a Jeffries Tube.

36. Speaking of caves and Jeffries Tubes... both are aphrodisiacs. So are long boring stake-outs.

37. Blair's hair requires constant touching -- usually by Jim.

38. Most men wear boxers: Jim, Blair, Methos, Duncan, Ray, Fraiser, Mulder, Doyle, Bodie. We know from canon that Skinner wears briefs. Krycek probably goes commando... but isn't it interesting to note that in the 24th century the boys are STILL wearing those boxers... provided Starfleet hasn't issued special underwear.

39. Blair and Duncan love to cook. Jim and Methos love to eat.

40. Slashed characters never fight over the TV remote.

41. Even horses aren't hung like that!

42. Despite hordes of women (and sometimes men) throwing themselves at him, Our Hero (pick a name) refuses to believe that anyone can find him attractive. Especially not his gorgeous partner, who is the epitome of male beauty.

43. Men who are obviously straight -- so straight they would NEVER look at their partner/best friend/worst enemy/boss/Canadian Mountie/commander twice -- are definitely gay.

44. Who says Vulcans can only have sex during the Pon Farr?

45. No matter how low Voyager runs on supplies, there is always more leolo-root!

46. Everyone hates leolo-root.

47. Everything Neelix cooks is unidentifiable and strangely colored.

48. Chakotay was wrong about Tom Paris.

49. Most of what Voyager needs can be found in a cave.

50. If there is a cave handy, Chakotay and Tom will get trapped in it.

51. There is always a cave handy.

52. Everyone thought Jim was gay the moment he divorced Carolyn.

53. Everyone thought Blair was gay the minute he walked into the station.

54. Everyone thought Jim left Vice because he liked it too much.

55. It doesn't matter how short your coat is, it will hide your sword.

56. Sooner or later, everyone comes in Paris...

57. No matter how you look at it, Jim is repressed... and there are always new things he's forgotten.

58. On the Rig... Blair looked.

59. Any time is a good time for a sensory test.

60. Blair likes to whisper sexy things to Jim at the station.

61. Hairy men think bare and buff is sexy... bare and buff men think hairy is sexy.

62. Jim is incapable of sleeping without the sound of his Guide's heartbeat.

63. Nightmares always make a person cry out loud in their sleep... coincidentally their partners always wake up regardless of where they are to comfort them.

64. Nightmares about being kidnapped by Lash will eventually lead to sex.

65. Nightmares about being trapped in elevators will eventually lead to sex.

66. Nightmares about being trapped in silos will eventually lead to sex.

67. Nightmares about being trapped in prisons will eventually lead to sex.

68. Drinking, eating, driving, working or camping will eventually lead to sex.

69. White socks, caves, quickenings, amputations, shuttle accidents, red serge, long hair, short hair, great haircuts, bad haircuts, beer, aliens, swords, lap-top computers, kevlar, bullet wounds, hospital stays, ugly ties -- are all turn-ons.

70. Despite the fact that all Starfleet ships are equipped with Sonic Showers, Tom Paris takes real ones... but that's okay, since he never takes one alone.

71. All slash characters have incredible medical insurance!

72. Despite the fact that his spirit guide is a panther, Jim is allergic to cats.

73. Name a city -- Blair lived there.

74. Two words -- broken ribs.

75. No one drinks beer out of a can.

76. Blair and Methos both hate the cold.

77. All males are capable of multiple orgasms.

78. Mutual dislike leads to fantastic sex.

79. Vulcans DO have feelings.

80. Computers can have sex.

81. Two hearts and a respiratory bypass system come in very handy!

82. Impetuous pilots and cowardly thieves make a very good pairing.

83. Retreat houses and monasteries have twin rooms.

84. There's never an annoying co-worker/enlisted man/boss/cop/alien around who says: "Gee, you two spend a lot of time together... are you gay?"

85. If you're a big tough macho cop, it doesn't look even slightly odd if you take your cute male sidekick with you to the doctor's office, or on vacation, or to a "cop of the year award banquet".

86. If one of the duo has to dress in drag, it's always the biggest, most macho of the two.

87. All slashed characters could list 'human (or inhuman) contortionist' on their resumes.

88. Bruises never last long. And no one is ever too sore afterwards.

89. Beauty is definitely in the eyes of the beholder... plain blue eyes become pools of cerulean blue; brown hair becomes sable locks shimmering in the candle light, skin always glows with golden hues... etc.

90. It is possible to quickly remove sweaty skin tight jeans/woven leather pants/starfleet uniforms while walking sideways upstairs wrapped around another person.

91. Wild monkey sex cures just about anything -- bad days, zone-outs, broken ribs, alien invasions, pon farr fever, quickening overload, amnesia, bad karma, death.

92. Male nipples are inevitably a huge erogenous zone.

93. The broken cheek bone actually improved a certain CI5 agent's looks.

94. Even though they never tried it before, they all take to it really, really well!

95. It's amazing what you can learn from books!

96. Sex in the office happens a lot more frequently than expected... especially sex in Cowley's office.

97. They were never actually in love with their ex-wives or girlfriends.

98. There is always a missing scene! (Thank God!)

99. Missing scenes always have sex in them.

100. IDIC (Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations) -- they weren't kidding!

101. All law enforcement partners will will eventually have to pretend to be lovers.

102. If you talk out loud to yourself, keep in mind that the other person is never really asleep.

103. Being trapped in a dangerous situation with your worst enemy makes all men horny!

104. Tongues, like banjos, must forever be dueling.

105. Slashed men don't need recovery time.

106. Having sex with a hologram is not impossible, just extremely challenging.

107. What ever happened to baths? No one takes baths -- it's always showers.

108. Leonine... the word most often used to describe Qui-Gon Jinn.

109. Yes, there was an actual use for that Padawan braid, and no, it had nothing to do with his training.

110. Let's take a Freudian moment here and think about 'light sabers'...

111. It never occurs to Jedi to use the Force to summon the lube.

112. Headmasters of Magical Schools like to play matchmaker.

113. There are no age-limit laws at Hogwarts. And the teachers will support pretty much any relationship if Severus Snape is involved.

114. The moment someone switches from addressing someone by their last name to addressing them by their first name, you know they have fallen in love.

115. Harry Potter had a twin sister... so did Lily Potter, James Potter, Severus Snape, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger. Severus Snape, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin all also had daughters. Voldemort had a daughter AND a twin sister. Remarkably these mysterious women are all named Mary Sue.

116. Harry really doesn't need to worry about saving the world. Sooner or later a 'mysterious and beautiful girl' is going to show up at Hogwarts and be so much more powerful than Harry or Dumbledore that they both might as well just sit back and eat lemon drops.

117. Sooner or later the 'little voice' in the heads of Harry or Draco is going to name itself, start talking incessantly and take over the majority of any story.

118. The Dursleys did more than just lock Harry in a cupboard. Despite this, no one has noticed.

Reactions and Reviews

I expect I’m being naughty reccing this work. It doesn’t limit itself to TS, but I missed crossover day and as it’s not really a fic, I hope it will be allowed. It makes me laugh every time I read it, and I think it is a wonderful antidote lest we should ever take ourselves too seriously. [1]
I had just fallen into the trap of thinking it was necessary for me to respond to a meta thread about the criminal lack of condom use in Teen Wolf fanfic with words like WEREWOLVES and FANTASY when I spotted this rec which as you say helpfully reminds us not to take any of it too seriously. [2]
Actually, I think it's all a case of cognitive dissonance, which, having just been to a Bill Bailey gig, I now know means being able to hold two contradictory ideas at the same time. It's fanfic; we know that some (most?) of the concepts we work with are bonkers, but we love them anyway! :) [3]
That was hilarious! Thanks so much for the rec. As a multifandom fan I got so much from it - but everybody should find something to make them giggle. [4]
52, 53, 73 and 74 render me helpless with giggles every time I read them. And though I'm not familiar with all the fandoms here, TS and Pros references are spot on! Glad you liked it! It's a welcome bit of light relief, I think, from the weighty work that we all do... ;) [5]

References

  1. 2013 comments at Crack Van
  2. 2013 comments at Crack Van
  3. 2013 comments at Crack Van
  4. 2013 comments at Crack Van
  5. 2013 comments at Crack Van