The Heart Rate of a Mouse

Fanfiction
Title:	The Heart Rate of a Mouse
Author(s):	arctic_grey (Anna Green)
Date(s):	2009-12-06 - 2011-11-30
Length:	513,000 words; 3 Volumes
Genre(s):	slash, AU
Fandom(s):	Panic! at the Disco
Relationship(s):	Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie
External Links:	The Heart Rate of a Mouse masterpost, Archived version AO3 Official published cover.
Click here for related articles on Fanlore.

The Heart Rate of a Mouse is an epic-length Ryan/Brendon fic set in the 1970s, in an AU where Ryan is an famous musician. It is written in the first person from Ryan's point of view and was posted in installments as a WIP on LiveJournal. The fic was backdated and reposted on AO3 by the author in 2017. It is considered by many to be a fandom classic for both Ryden and Panic! At The Disco fans.

In 2013 the Anna Green began selling a print version of the series through Lulu: Book FAQ: beggarsnotes, ^{Archived version}

In 2018 Green said that she would be revising the work into an original fiction series, but since there are no official plans to publish it yet, the fic will remain available in its current form for the foreseeable future. As of March 25, 2019, the rewrite is officially on hiatus.

Synopsis

Volume 1: Over the Tracks: "In the summer of 1974, Ryan Ross embarks on an exhausting tour in support of his band’s breakthrough album, struggling to live up to the pressure and expectations of sudden fame. As he juggles his dissolving band, lying best friend and fleeting girls, he heads down a dangerous and self-destructive road, letting himself want the one person he can’t let himself have."

In Over the Tracks, Ryan Ross is the frontman singer-songwriter of the Followers, which consists of Joe Trohman, Brent Wilson, and Ryan's childhood best friend Spencer Smith. As they prepare to embark on their North American tour, Ryan meets Brendon Urie, the new roadie.

Elements of characters' backstories in the fic are reminiscent of real life. Ryan has a bad relationship with his alcoholic father and was childhood friends with Spencer before they started making music. Brendon was raised Mormon and left his family and the lifestyle. Pete Wentz is the band's manager. Ryan's girlfriend is Jac Vanek (based on his IRL ex). William Beckett, Andy Hurley, and Zack Hall are roadies on the tour. Jon Walker, Tom Conrad, and Nate Novarro are members of Canadian History, the Followers' support. Audrey Kitching is a groupie (based on Brendon's IRL ex); Eric Ronick owns a record store; Cassie Walker and David Bowie are featured, as well as the televised suicide of Christine Chubbuck. There is a fan named Kenneth, who was confirmed to not be based on Panic!'s 2013 touring member Kenneth Harris. The story follows Ryan's internal conflicts, namely the pressures of fame, drug abuse, his failing relationships, and perhaps most intensely, his attraction to Brendon.

After an unfamiliar prologue which echoes a passage in Vol.3, the story opens in the year of the sexual and musical revolution, 1974, where prog rock band The Followers are discussing their upcoming tour. Spencer, the recently heartbroken drummer, insists they come to Cincinnati; Joe, the cocky lead guitarist, asks for more attention onstage; Brent, the bassist, is just full of himself; and Ryan, the withdrawn singer/songwriter/guitarist, is nauseous at the thought of being onstage for fifty-five shows across North America. Ryan has begun resenting the band since the recording of their third and latest album Boneless, as well as their own fame for removing the fun from live performances. When Pete asks what Ryan wants, he simply requests to be alone on hotel nights. Ryan's sometimes-girlfriend Jac is upset to learn that Ryan doesn't want her on tour and storms out on him; Ryan already anticipates her leaving for good. The Followers commence their first TV performance, Ryan's narration painting a picture of overall dissatisfaction, misunderstanding and insecurity regarding fame and human relationships; notably, he assumes everyone either hates, pities, or is misguidedly infatuated with him; he hates having to care how people feel, but hypocritically still wants to be heard -- a key conflict of the story that applies not only to him. During crew practice, Ryan gets in a fight over Joe wanting to sing; Zack arrives with news that Brent's roadie Simon had a drunk accident and can't make it to tour; Ryan narrates, "Only three things can ruin a man: fame, women and twelve-year-old whisky". Jac asks him who "Jackie" is, as she got the tour name from Brent; Ryan asks when she and Brent talked and leaves without answers, realizing his lack of affection for her.

The Followers embark on the Jackie, Me, and this Lady tour '74. Before the first night, Pete shows Ryan around their luxurious tour bus where he first meets Brendon, Simon's replacement, who instantly strikes him as beautiful. Ryan is drawn to Brendon's smile annoyed when Brendon doesn't watch him play that night. Brendon mentions he's gay to the band and crew, and is met with hesitant acceptance. Ryan refuses to explain the meaning of the name "Jackie, Me and this Lady" to interviewers. Ryan outs Brendon to Jon, not thinking much of it; but the next night, Brendon gets in a fight with Nate after being homophobically insulted. Ryan approaches him afterward and sympathizes with his feelings, though still not fully understanding of them; he casually confesses that he's never been in love (or in his words, simply doesn't love), and the two bottle Nate during their next show. Ryan suspects Audrey and Brendon are related, but Audrey reveals they were childhood neighbors in Salt Lake City before Brendon mysteriously disappeared at fifteen years old. Later, Brendon shares stories of his time living in the Castro district, the queer central of San Francisco, to Ryan; and Ryan in turn tells him about how Pete bribed Spencer's girlfriend Haley into breaking up with him. They kiss in Ryan's room after a show under the guise of Ryan "pitying" Brendon. Ryan is fascinated by Brendon's willingness to stand up for himself and his mysterious past. Jac briefly joins the Followers on tour, which makes Brendon jealous -- something that equally amuses and annoys Ryan. Even though Ryan and Jon get along musically, Ryan loses trust and drops Canadian History from the tour after he suspects Jon told Nate about Brendon's sexuality.

Throughout Vol.1, Ryan is betrayed by everyone around him. He witnesses Jac cheating on him with Brent and goes on a downward spiral; Pete pressures Brendon into being Ryan's stress toy on the night Ryan has a fit and threatens to quit the band; Brendon is Ryan's first sexual experience with another man. Ryan comes to shaky terms with his attraction to Brendon but seeks out Eric's permission before going further. He tries anal sex with Jac; then after his and Brendon's first time, Ryan witnesses the televised suicide of newsreader Christine Chubbuck. Spencer mysteriously disappears in Cincinnati and Ryan tracks him down, only to find out he has been secretly married to Haley for years with a baby daughter. Ryan and Brendon are eventually caught by Spencer and Joe, who outs him to the crew; Joe calls him homophobic slurs, which angers Ryan as he's not secure enough yet to admit his sexuality; Spencer gets behind Joe, so Ryan outs Spencer's secret marriage in retaliation, which cuts their friendship off for good until Vol.3. In Salt Lake City, Ryan decides to break things off with Brendon, who at first mistakenly thought he wanted them to stop hiding. Ryan is never content because the band is all he has, and he hates them. He gets drunk to numb his feelings, but Brendon spots his father at the liquor store and takes off; Ryan gets him to reveal that he ran away from home after his father broke his arm. Horrified at his recounting, Ryan sympathizes more sincerely with him than he had with anyone else up until that point; Brendon stops him going in for a kiss, saying he doesn't want Ryan's pity. Despite promising to end things with Brendon, he escalates their relationship; he eventually tells Brendon the story behind "Jackie, me and this lady", after Brendon tells him about his brother's recent death and his upbringing in an abusive Mormon household. Then, Ryan agrees to be on the receiving end during sex, solidifying their relationship as no longer casual. Brent outs Ryan in front of Jac, and Ryan confronts him for having sex with her, insisting that he's not gay until the very end. In an attempt to salvage Jac's image of him, Ryan propositions a threesome with Brendon, which results in an argument and Brendon quitting the tour.

Ryan finds him in San Francisco to tell him off. Brendon reveals his feelings, but Ryan is unable to sincerely admit his own, ultimately driving Brendon further away. Having lost everything, Ryan gets drunk and crashes the tour bus, leading to the dissolution of the band.

Volume 2: Wolves vs. Hearts: "A new band, a new city, a new lover – Ryan can dust himself off and start again, but the god-like status that his former band’s tragic end has given him isn’t as easy to shake off. As he should be focusing on making a comeback with his new band, he runs into the one person he hasn’t been able to forget. Brendon’s new relationship leaves Ryan with a bitter taste in his mouth as he realises that his feelings for Brendon have not waned. Instead of wooing his own girlfriend, Ryan goes after Brendon, convinced that this, too, he can get right the second time around."

In Wolves vs. Hearts, Ryan has a new band called Ryan Ross & The Whiskeys (whiskey perhaps referencing what brought Ryan and Brendon together: the Followers' roadie Simon getting in a drunk accident and being replaced by Brendon in Vol.1), with Jon Walker, Gabe Saporta and Patrick Stump. Vicky T is his new manager. He's now dating dancer Keltie Colleen (based on his IRL ex), and has moved to New York. He unexpectedly meets Brendon at a nightclub after five years of no contact, only to find that he has a new boyfriend, photographer Shane Valdez (spelled Valdes in the story, based on Brendon's IRL friend and roommate). Ian Crawford plays in Brendon's indie band; Greta Salpeter is the Whiskeys' supporting act, accompanied on tour by her partner Andy Mrotek (the Butcher). The story references several real-life events such as the city-wide blackout and flooding that occurred in New York City in 1977. This volume explores Brendon's character flaws, whereas the first primarily focused on Ryan's; it follows Ryan getting Brendon to choose him over Shane, all the while uncovering their dysfunctional relationship.

Ryan is initially upset at Brendon's new life and seeks to explain why he's with Shane. He attends Brendon's open mic and asks Shane to film a documentary for the Whiskeys' to get closer to Brendon. In the process, Ryan uncovers Brendon's habit of lying, first to Ryan about his job, then later to Shane about his past. The two get back together; Ryan rents them a room at the Chelsea Hotel under the name Boyd Castro, referencing Brendon's middle name and the gay district of San Francisco he lived in. Ryan neglects Keltie to escalate his relationship with Brendon, gifting him an opportunity for a record deal. Gabe, Vicky and Jon eventually learn about their relationship, and are more accepting than Ryan's previous bandmates, but Vicky is disapproving of their mutual infidelity. Ryan moves the band to a cabin in the woods to work on the album (inspired by the real recording process of Panic!'s scrapped album Cricket & Clover), where he comes to terms with his feelings for Brendon and tells him "I love you". Brendon, however, is still spending time with Shane, leaving their affair conflicted. Returning to New York, Ryan tries to patch up his relationship with Keltie after forgetting their anniversary by inviting her to move in. Unable to commit, Brendon breaks it off with Ryan just as Keltie finds out about the affair and leaves.

Ryan Ross and The Whiskeys embark on the Diamonds and Pearls tour '77 following their first release, Wolf's Teeth. Ryan starts abusing codeine, only stopping when he and Brendon get back together. Ryan learns, through Shane and William respectively, the full extent of Brendon's lies and his reasons for doing so -- namely, that Brendon is ashamed of his past and feels indebted to Shane for supporting him during his lowest, which is why he's so hesitant to leave Shane. Brendon asks Ryan for their relationship to be less intense, so Ryan gets him a record deal to change his mind. Eventually, Ryan gets tired of being strung along and urges Brendon to come clean to Shane. While Ryan reconnects with Spencer in Las Vegas, Brendon does tell Shane about his lies, but leaves out his cheating with Ryan. Devastated at breaking Shane's heart from the lies alone, Brendon ends his and Ryan's relationship for good. Ryan goes on a bender, has a brief fling with Gabe, has sex with Shane as revenge on Brendon for leaving him, and kicks both Shane and Brendon off the tour, cancelling the documentary.

Volume 3: A Kingdom by the Sea: "In November 1978, over a year has passed since music icon Ryan Ross announced that he was retiring from the public eye and quitting the world of music. He is far from being forgotten, however, as his musical influence can be heard on the radio everyday when Brendon, the frontman of His Side, starts singing. Brendon was, after all, famously discovered by Ross. But even as His Side is on the radio and touring state after state, Ryan hasn't been seen. And Ryan likes it that way, really. It's what he wants: to forget and be forgotten. Until, one day, someone starts digging up his past, forcing him to come face to face with everything he's trying to run away from."

In A Kingdom by the Sea, Ryan has retired from music and retreated to a house in Maine. He keeps in touch with Spencer, who's divorced and producing for The Police. Ryan is tracked down by Sisky, a longtime fan of his music, who has done the same to every single one of his associates, with hopes to write Ryan's biography. Brendon now goes by Brendon Roscoe, referencing Ryan's childhood neighbor Mrs. Roscoe (the "lady" in Jackie, Me, and this Lady), and is the frontman of His Side, which consists of Jon Walker, Dallon Weekes, Bob Bryar, and Ian Crawford. Mike Carden is the band's manager. Robert Mapplethorpe makes an appearance, and there's a brief mention of Sting. This volume focuses on Ryan's remorse and self-betterment; we see him become more compassionate and making up for his past mistakes, as well as learning to love Brendon honestly, without expectation. This is the most dense and plot-heavy volume; some fans give new readers the option of treating it as a standalone mystery novel, due to its independence from the previous two volumes.

Ryan has entirely retreated from the public eye, having split from The Whiskeys; some fans speculate he's committed suicide or otherwise dead. It's not until Sisky moves in with him in Machias that he begins reflecting on his life. Ryan is haunted by his memories of Brendon, seeking news about him through Spencer and Vicky. Brendon doesn't avoid mentioning Ryan in interviews. Ryan receives a ticket to a His Side show in New York, but he and Sisky attend their later show in Montreal instead. At the show, Ryan is conflicted at Brendon and Dallon's homoerotic stage presence; then, he gets escorted backstage for safety, but does not work up the courage to make himself known to Brendon. Afterward, Sisky gets Spencer to come with them to New York; Ryan makes Sisky his official biographer, and throws a party for his old friends; he reconnects with Gabe, and we learn about past romantic dynamics between Gabe, Vicky, and Ryan. Back in Machias, Sisky catches Ryan mid-hookup with his acquaintance Clifton and quickly puts two and two together regarding Ryan's sexuality and Brendon's involvement with him. Sisky is angry at the discovery due to his past jealousy of Ryan for capturing the admiration of Sisky's ex-girlfriend Gold; Ryan entertains the thought of having sex with him, but they both decide against it out of respect for one another. Sisky drives them out to the memorial of The Followers' bus crash, where Ryan comes clean about crashing the bus as well as having sex with Shane. Sisky insists they visit Brendon in his Chicago home in order for Ryan to get closure, and Ryan begrudgingly obliges.

After a cold reunion, Brendon gives Ryan and Sisky backstage passes for His Side's final North American date. Before the show, Cassie tells Ryan his ex-girlfriend Keltie is engaged, which he's happy to hear. The band is concerned for Ian, who has tired himself out with drugs and partying. Ryan is repeatedly reminded of his mistakes and expresses remorse at everything he's done, in the narration. After the show and party, Brendon gives Ryan a haircut and lets him stay the night; the two agree to be something resembling friends. At a band photoshoot, Ryan is shocked at the photographer Robert Mapplethorpe's queer, sexually explicit portfolio; Jon explains Brendon's ethic of supporting queer artists with the band, a pursuit Ryan finds noble but sad. Afterward, at the Walkers' household, Dallon gives a passionate diatribe about gay rights. Ryan catches up with Brendon; he's surprised Dallon doesn't know of Brendon's upbringing despite their similarities; Brendon tells Ryan that he and Shane don't keep in touch, but doesn't reflect any further on their past. Ian is absent all throughout the get-together. Cassie gets a call and learns that Ian's been hospitalized from overdosing on heroin, and is now at risk of brain damage. Brendon gets in a fight with Mike at the hospital when he insists on replacing Ian for the European tour that's set to begin in less than a week. Ryan comforts Brendon alone when he blames himself for Ian's actions. Ryan finds a Chelsea Hotel ashtray in Brendon's house while picking up his clothes and ruminates over their relationship. Brendon informs Ryan that Ian is well, but in no state to tour; he's embarrassed at their moment in the hospital, but Ryan reassures him it didn't mean anything. At a band meeting, Jon suggests Ryan stand in for Ian for the tour, which Ryan turns down immediately, but Brendon wants him, so Ryan hesitantly agrees. He lets Sisky follow him on tour, having become somewhat fond of Sisky. Vicky informs Ryan that Ian is in rehab, as well as Gabe, and gives him Gabe's contact.

His Side embarks on the Sanctuary European tour '79. Brendon points out how he and Ryan have never made it to Europe together until now. Though cynical toward the idea of rekindling their romance, Ryan is plagued by thoughts of a happy ending that could have been. Brendon seems oddly upset at the mention of Ryan's sex life, while Ryan is guiltily jealous over Brendon's. Ryan doesn't reveal his own sexuality to anyone on tour. Ryan tells the press he intends on retreating home after the tour, but Sisky later tells him he'd be disappointing the fans and himself if he does. On the ferry to England, Bob points out Brendon and Dallon's chemistry, and Ryan is gutted that Brendon is by all means better off with Dallon. He finds Brendon reading a book on drug dependency to look out for Ian, and his kindness reawakens Ryan's affection. They slip back into flirting, which Ryan is even more conflicted about. He meets Spencer in Glasgow, who urges him to move on. At Abbey Road Studios, Brendon fights Mike for a song of theirs to follow an unmarketable format; Ryan is in support but noticeably stops himself from compromising Brendon's independence. As Brendon warms up to Ryan again, Ryan grapples with the decision to let him go. He begins writing lyrics on tour. His Side records a music video for Top of the Pops, and Dallon asks Ryan for advice on how to get closer to Brendon; Ryan is intensely jealous and guilty for holding out hope that he can still win Brendon back. Ryan upsets Brendon by mentioning his casual sexual relationships, past and current, when prompted by Bob. Disappointed at himself, Ryan comes to a decision and finally gives Dallon the advice he asked for, warning him not to hurt Brendon. Sisky tells Ryan the next morning that Brendon and Dallon got caught in the rain and went in a hotel room together, presumably to hook up. Ryan repeatedly tells himself to let things be and put his hope to rest, while Sisky urges him to go after Brendon.

Brendon catches a fever in Paris and passes out before the encore. In a state of delirium, Brendon asks for Ryan to accompany him in his hotel room; they sleep on the same bed, Brendon admits he's jealous of something and cuddles too close to Ryan; Ryan rejects his advances, not allowing himself to indulge in his attraction out of guilt and respect. Dallon suspects something between them the next morning, but Ryan doesn't tell. Brendon doesn't remember the night before when he wakes up, mildly afraid he's made a move on Ryan (which he did). The two of them are set to fly to Cologne later in the day in order for Brendon to rest, during which Ryan takes care of him. Once in Cologne, Dallon confronts Ryan for making a fool out of him, and it's revealed that Brendon confessed to him in Leeds to cheating on Shane, and Dallon learned the rest of the story through Bob and Sisky. Ryan reacts calmly and tells Brendon this, laying down that it's over between them, and urging Brendon to talk to Dallon. He does, and Dallon avoids the two of them while trying to make Brendon jealous by hitting on other men. Sisky finally gets laid, with a German girl. Brendon suggestively invites Ryan into his hotel room, but he declines. The next morning, Bob and their drum tech Quentin have been arrested and charged with statutory rape and possession of drugs, unable to leave Germany until after their trial. The band has to cancel their next show, but Ryan gets Spencer to fill in for Bob (meaning the band is now comprised of all the original members of Panic! at the Disco, plus Dallon). They practice at a fancy house in the Austrian Alps belonging to Elton John, who apparently owed Mike a favor. Brendon and Ryan finally reflect on their relationship; Brendon confesses his jealousy, proving he always wanted Ryan more than Shane, as well as his remorse at Ryan's repeated insistence on pushing him away; Ryan is deeply sorry for wronging Brendon and admits he had no right to decide his life for him in the events of Vol.2; the two reluctantly agree that a romance between them would not have been right. However, in Rome, Ryan finally gives in to Brendon and has sex with him for the first time in over a year. The morning after, he leaves Brendon alone despite agreeing to stay. Spencer tells Ryan he will hurt both of them no matter what if he chooses to leave again, but Ryan is too afraid to consider anything else. The two get in a heated argument; Brendon reveals that he had put a stop to Dallon's sexual advances back in London out of guilt, and finally tells Ryan "I love you"; Ryan is furious that Brendon was too confused to tell him so earlier. Ryan confesses he crashed the bus to their bus driver, Jürgen, who doesn't understand a word. Sisky's ex-girlfriend contacts him again due to his newfound fame, but he decides to forget her; Ryan tells him that he has a home here with the guys. Ryan and Brendon don't talk it out until right before His Side's final show in Barcelona; Brendon recalls their first breakup after Ryan was outed being the moment he knew he was in love with Ryan; he confesses he acted distant to protect himself from being discarded in Vol.2, and after apologizing, asks for them to finally be together. After over four years, Ryan is still terrified of saying yes; Brendon says he'll keep waiting. Ryan is late for the show; when the crew finds Brendon crying backstage, Ryan comforts him and tells him he's ready for this relationship, his narration reminiscent of wedding vows ("I do. I really do." "And what he and I decide to join together, let no man part. Let us not part. Let us not."). They play the show, and Ryan and Brendon return to Brendon's Chicago home to stay.

The short epilogue describes their 1980 New Year's Eve party. Sisky has sold a thousand copies of Ryan's biography, Alienation, which, although censored, still features Brendon prominently. Jon and Cassie are married. Spencer is a permanent member of His Side. Dallon was invited but didn't show up; he has a solo record coming out next year. Gabe is out of rehab. Bob has retreated from the public eye. Spencer is dating Alison (who was mentioned earlier as Sting's ex-girlfriend) and is happy that Haley is with someone new. Ryan and Brendon are out to their friends, some of whom tease them for being joined at the hip. Ryan leaves early. In the dark of the living room, he summarizes the crux of his conflicts throughout all three volumes with the simple line, "I never really let myself want anything, too afraid of losing it to obtain it." He and Brendon watch the fireworks together from the comfort of their home.

Additional Content

Most additional content can be found on The Heart Rate of a Mouse [Masterpost], ^{Archived version} on Anna Green's fanfiction LiveJournal. An FAQ was posted in 2011: THROAM FAQ: beggarsnotes, ^{Archived version}. She later posted a different FAQ to her Tumblr: (retrieved September 2017).

• The Heart Rate of a Mouse chronology, ^{Archived version} including births, tours, and relevant events
• A Book FAQ, ^{Archived version} regarding details on where to purchase physical copies, which as of 2024 are discontinued.
• Vol.1: Over the Tracks [Soundtrack], ^{Archived version}
• Vol.2: Wolves vs. Hearts [Soundtrack], ^{Archived version}
• Vol.3: A Kingdom by the Sea [Soundtrack], ^{Archived version}

The Heart Rate of a Mouse: Extras on AO3 includes short cameos (POV chapters) from Pete and Brendon which take place in Vol.1 and Vol.2 respectively, as well as two longer ficlets, "If You Want to Be Common" and "Watch Me Be Reborn". However, this compilation leaves out one of Brendon's cameos from Vol.2 and a highly controversial time-travel AU ficlet, ^{Archived version} from an underage Brendon's POV, both of which were originally posted to LJ. The former can be accessed via a Scribd document. A compilation of short stories she printed included The Pool House Years, another extra from THROAM, which is unavailable online except on a Reddit post. It has been speculated that Green no longer agrees with the works excluded from AO3, nor considered them canon to the story.

If You Want To Be Common: This is a chronology of Ryan and Brendon's relationship up to 2012, alternating between Brendon, Ryan, and Sisky's POV. The beginning details their intensely sexual reunion following the ending of Vol.3 (but prior to the epilogue) and their mutual jealousy toward the other's past flings and almost-flings. Brendon follows Ryan to Machias where they bump into Clifton; Ryan is ashamed to let Brendon see the house he lived in during the worst stretch of his life. In 1981, two years later, they visit Brendon's brother's grave. In 1982, the two cross paths on tour, having not met for over two months. In 1984, Sisky has published a new book, Vicky and Gabe are engaged, William is HIV-positive and soon dies of AIDS (a decision which many readers disagreed with), and Sisky observes Ryan and Brendon make up after a fight. Fast forward to 2012, Ryan and Brendon share a speech at the GLAAD awards.

Watch Me Be Reborn, ^{Archived version}: This is an unfinished ficlet outlining Sisky's adventures. He details his family's history and how he discovered The Followers through a stoner when he was thirteen. He gets a degree in Music; his father is arrested. Sisky earns his nickname from his Followers followers friends before embarking on his big project. He mistakes Brent's allusion to Ryan's queerness as communism. He is shocked at Ryan's sudden retirement after splitting with The Whiskeys.

He Acts Like We Never Have Met (I Don't Believe you), ^{Archived version}: This is the time travel AU of two parts. It takes place in the early spring of 1967, roughly a month before Brendon’s sixteenth birthday. For timetravelling!Ryan, he's Ryan after Vol.2 – II, when he and Brendon have ended their affair, with Brendon going back to Shane and leaving him a heartbroken mess. The fic details Ryan stopping Brendon before he can have his virginity taken by an older man named Norman and buys him food at a bar. He helps Brendon get a room and they proceed to have sex, after Brendon decides to let his inhibitions go. In the morning, Brendon gets a panic attack and Ryan confesses his love for what Brendon will be in the future.

Reception

The Heart Rate of a Mouse is considered a fandom classic, especially for Ryan Ross and Ryden fans, and its popularity has grown and endured through the history of PATD and Ryden fandom. Because it was not uploaded on AO3 until 2017, it is impossible to know how many hits it accumulated in previous years.

Some fans have gotten THROAM-inspired tattoos, edited Wikipedia pages to include part of THROAM's plot, and added THROAM references and quotes to the Chelsea Hotel's graffiti-covered plaques and walls. Anna Green, author of THROAM, has responded to and/or reblogged all of those instances (see previous citations). See the The Heart Rate of a Mouse and THROAM Tumblr tags for recent posts about THROAM. There is a tag for The Heart Rate of a Mouse Series - Anna Green on AO3.

The opening lines of the fic, "I should never be trusted to drive a vehicle of any kind; not because I am a lousy driver, but because I tighten my grip of the wheel with every passing truck." and, "Crash. Bang. Smoke." are well-recognized. There are various memes related to the series among THROAM fans.

There are multiple blogs dedicated specifically to THROAM and the THROAM versions of the real people in the fics, and readers often say they care about the THROAM characterizations and the fandom surrounding it more than Bandom. ^{[citation needed]}

On Goodreads, Over the Tracks has been rated 4.68 out of 5 (1.1k ratings) and has 203 reviews. Wolves vs. Hearts has been rated 4.72 (959 ratings) and has 134 reviews. A Kingdom by the Seas has been rated 4.75 (943 ratings) and has 136 reviews.

In June 2018, Anna Green warned fans that someone unaffiliated with her was selling print copies of the series.

Comments & Reviews

The Heart Rate of a Mouse, commonly abbreviated as THROAM, is a Ryden (Ryan Ross x Mr Disco) fanfiction by Anna Green (aka beggarsnotes on LJ). It takes place in the seventies where Ryan is the sTrAiGhT frontman of a popular band, and Brendon is his openly gay roadie he can’t stop thinking about. The word count is long, and there are heavy themes that require trigger warnings for some people, but I seriously recommend reading it if you wanna cry.

Fourth Wall

Due to the popularity of the work, the fourth wall between the fic and the many people who appear in it has been broken multiple times. It has been mentioned on twitter by Dallon Weekes, Jon Walker, Vicky T, and others. Vicky T and Keltie (Ryan's ex-girlfriend, a significant character in V2) are said to have read the fic.

In December 2015, a fan tweeted to Dallon Weekes, "have you ever read The Heart Rate of a Mouse". Dallon replied: "No. I hear throam Dallon is a real A-hole though." (THROAM readers have noted that Dallon is actually portrayed sympathetically in the fic.)

In January 2018, Jon Walker tweeted, "...what is Throam?", presumably having seen Panic fans referencing it on social media. The tweet recevied 1.2k replies. In March 2018, Vicky T tweeted, "The heart rate of a mouse ... 😈".

In August 2019, a fan commented on the Instagram of The Dead End Kids Club a band Z Berg and Ryan are both in, "The reason z wasn't in throam is because she wrote throam." The account replied, presumably from Z, "fuck I gotta read this Shit now".

It is widely assumed that Brendon and Ryan are both aware of what THROAM is, due to the frequent mentions of it on social media, often intentionally addressed to official accounts. Fans have made comments on Brendon's livestreams about the fic, but he has not acknowledged them as he had with the Milk Fic.

Anna Green has asked that fans of THROAM respect the fourth wall and expressed frustration over fans who publicize RPF.

[...]

Let’s talk about the fourth wall and breaching it, and how lately people have gone out of their way to harass people with fics that feature their fictionalised forms.

So let me say this first: it’s not about THROAM. My god, it is completely not “ooh keep THROAM secret” or “oh Anna has asked to keep it ~secret.” IDGAF if it’s secret! Of course it’s not! It’s online - you google it and it’s there! I’m not trying to hide the fic (and if I really wanted to hide it, I’d take the entire fic down. Simple).

This is what this is about: fanfic is for fans. Fan content is for fans. It is not for show runners or canon authors or any real people who were fictionalised for a story. Throwing fanfic into the faces of any of these people is rude and inconsiderate. It’s someone ringing your doorbell going “hey you don’t know me but here’s a picture I drew of you/your characters sucking cock and/or an explicit story on you/your characters sucking cock” and you’re stood there going “who the fuck are you and how did you find out where I live?”

I cannot believe that people do not realise how incredibly rude it is to breach the fourth wall. It’s not about just one story, it’s about ANY story. Look into this – look into the long list of instances where actors have been shown compromising fanart, look into fanfic being read to actors in Comic Cons, where people then laugh and mock fandom expressions of creativity. Realise how this is used to humiliate and belittle people who engage in fandoms, and especially female-dominated fandom spaces.

[...]

Theories

Fans of THROAM have alleged that lyrics from post-split Panic songs referenced the series, or that Ryan and Brendon's interactions in real life mirror it. The people who genuinely believe this are usually Ryden tinhats.

Some fans have speculated that THROAM!Ryan has borderline personality disorder. The intensity with which his thoughts and actions are written supports this. He exhibits a fluctuating self-image and has a habit of disappointing himself when people don't live up to his expectations. He is deeply afraid of intimacy due to the risk of abandonment; even when a relationship isn't emotionally fulfilling (Jac, Keltie, and Brendon before Vol.3, respectively), he does whatever it takes to keep it going as proof of his own self-worth and to avoid the emptiness, including resorting to sex as a pacifier. This all stems from the belief that he is unlovable, a mindset commonly shared in individuals with BPD who have had dysfunctional relationships as a result. Additional symptoms of BPD he exhibits include dissociating, switching (mood swings), and fear of not having control, ergo insistence on having the last word -- all of which manifest in extremely destructive behavior such as heated arguments, drug abuse, cheating, disappearing, and crashing a bus.

Warnings; Controversy

In early 2018, the warnings for the series stated:

Warnings: good ol' sex, drugs and rock 'n roll. Some mild violence, some het sex. Infidelity. Vol.3 contains discussion on statutory rape. That's all I can think of, really.

In 2018, readers began to seriously discussing whether or not the book included a rape scene. The scene in question was at the end of Volume 2: Wolves vs. Hearts - III, in Chapter 7: Love, Imagined (archived original version). In order to strike a last blow to destroy Brendon and Shane's relationship, Ryan encourages Shane to get drunk and high and then has sex with him, all while Shane is struggling with the realization that Brendon has been lying and cheating on him, but is unaware that it was with Ryan. It was pointed out that if Shane would not have had sex with Ryan while sober, this makes Ryan's manipulation rape.

Anna Green initially responded that she did not consider the scene rape. She blocked a number of fans on Twitter. Points used to argue that it was not rape where the fact that Ryan also got drunk and high, questions of exactly how inebriated either party was, the fact that Shane was already attracted to Ryan, and that Ryan's actions were intentionally morally questionable or horrifying.

Some readers wanted Green to edit the warning for the series to include rape, or at least dub-con. Others asked for Green to rewrite the scene because they felt that, although Ryan's actions in the series are often amoral or clearly wrong, rape was crossing a line that made him irredeemable as a protagonist and view-point character.

Twitter user rosscoloredboy, who had been blocked by Anna, posted a Twitter poll, asking "If you purposefully get someone drunk and high with the intention of taking advantage of them (sex) because you know they’d never oblige when sober, is that rape?" The tweet circulated beyond THROAM readers and PATD fandom, gaining over 1,200 votes. 99% of responders voted "Yes, that's rape." rosscoloredboy added:

This has so many votes and I wasn’t expecting it to circulate the way that it did but I’m grateful. I’m referring to a scene in a very popular fanfiction written by someone who would vote no and has blocked me for asking for it to have a trigger warning for future readers.

Attraction =/= consent. The character was so inebriated, he wouldn’t be able to make a proper decision whatsoever. And the scene is from the first person point of view of the rapist. How the fuck would he know what the other person actually wants? It’s rape.

If the characters were sober, the sex wouldn’t have happened. Character A knew this and got character B fucked up enough to take advantage of him. It’s rape.

Anna Green eventually posted her own poll with the caption:

OKAY! Let's settle this: does Ryan rape Shane in Volume 2? If you can/are willing, do revisit the scene, read it, and then answer below. [...] I will take action depending on people's views. Grazie!

Replies:

Nope, because they were both high and it was an impulse fuck to get back at Brendon and because Shane was lonely. It was made to shock the viewers and to question Ryan's morals and who he is as a character.

I don’t think it’s rape because Ryan didn’t force Shane to do anything and it’s obvious Shane went to Ryan’s room with the intention to have sex, he admitted to wanting it ever since they first met. You also wrote that Shane was willing probably bc he wanted to get over Brendon Shane intoxicated himself and so did Ryan. I think because they both wanted to do it to hurt Brendon, but the only way they’d be able to follow through is if they were drunk/high

I voted no but it is kind of off putting that I genuinely had to think about it, I feel like if you have to put a lot of thought into whether or not its rape its probably rape

The scene is ambiguous. S worships Ryan and may have said yes sober (though this fact may be too subtly drawn). R proves he is against non-consensual sex acts in other scenes; he is also a product of his environment, which combines alcohol, drugs, and sex without thinking.

I said no, but I’m definitely questioning it. I mean Shane got himself drunk and Ryan didn’t think of the idea to do anything until afterwards, which he THEN presented the weed. But Shane seemed pretty willing, with or without the weed

The poll received almost 500 votes. 38% of responders voted "Yes," it was rape, and 62% voted "No," it was not.

Anna then posted a second poll, asking:

Follow up poll: is the scene in question still rape if Shane is sober throughout and gives verbal consent?

The responses were 7% "Yes, still rape," 91% "No, no rape," and 2% "Other (please comment)"

Replies:

That's literally the definition of consensual sex so no, it's not rape. Aside from the drugging, you did make it clear that Shane was attracted to Ryan and later said that even Brendon knew Shane wanted into Ryan's pants, but the drugs make it so it can't be consensual.

I legit feel like they both wanted it and for different reasons. The scene is pivotal and broke my heart. I think it helps him become who he is in Volume 3. Don't change a thing. 😘

After the poll ended, Anna concluded:

Morning! Feel free to keep voting but just to say I will edit the scene today to make/keep Shane sober - will let you know once done.

The story will keep the following tws: dub-con, discussion of date rape. I'm adding also: ppl having sex when intoxicated.

To explain the new tw, people engage in sexual activities throughout the volumes while under the influence of alcohol and drugs, from all band members to Ry, Bren, etc. This tw aims to warn off people who view any such activity as rape.

The scene was rewritten so that Ryan still drinks and smokes, but Shane turns down Ryan's offers of alcohol and weed and is sober when they have sex, as well as giving verbal consent. The warnings for the series were changed to be much more detailed, and included "dubious consent, mentions of underage sex, off-screen date rape/dub-con and discussion of it."

Anna wrote a follow-up post on Tumblr on September 29, Always in Bismarck. She began, "I wanted to address the rape controversy, as it can probably be officially called now, and which I intend to finish off with this post." In the post, she apologized that she had been "stubborn in putting a label of rape on something that I knew from my own intentions had been a consensual (and mutually manipulative) encounter," and that the people she had blocked had "approached [her] with abuse and anger." The post discusses the frequency of sex while intoxicated in the series, saying, "In the last few days I have been told repeatedly that sex while intoxicated is always rape. I simply do not agree with this, and my reason for that comes from my own sex life and sexual experiences - others have had different, perhaps traumatic experiences, and I am not diminishing their lived experiences in any way. Sex while intoxicated absolutely can be rape - I agree completely. "

Inspired Fanworks

• The Heart Rate Of A Mouse Polaroids, polaroid edits by parceltapepanda on Tumblr (September 18, 2018)
• The Heart Rate Of A Mouse (Trailer), fic trailer by the red hunting hat (previously trade mistakes) on YouTube (September 14, 2016)
• Wolf's Teeth (Trailer) - Ryan Ross Documentary, fic trailer by the red hunting hat (previously trade mistakes) on YouTube (October 10, 2016)
• savesoulandpunk: "here’s a little version of 708", song/lyric cover by savesoulandpunk on Tumblr (May 18, 2017)
• Throam Brendon On Open Mic Night, audio edit by beeb-to-the-bo (deactivated) on Tumblr (date unknown)
• throam tickets, fanart by rossed on Tumblr (February 20, 2016)
• Four fake posters, fanart by sadgirlstudying on Tumblr (March 18, 2013)
• boneless, fanart by hyperdark on Tumblr (July 4, 2016)
• The boys are back in town, fanart by sweetboyryro on Tumblr (January 11, 2017)
• favorite THROAM scenes in no particular order, fan comics by wclvesvshearts on Tumblr (October 29, 2016 - May 14, 2017)
• "I have no skeletons in my closet", fanart by wclvesvshearts on Tumblr (December 16, 2016)
• vol. 2, book ii, chapter 5: no beginnings GIF edit by wclvesvshearts on Tumblr (August 21, 2017)
• Throam mood boards: Over The Tracks by browbeck on Tumblr (June 4, 2016)
• polaroid edits of the throam chronology for vol 2 by kalontae on Tumblr (August 12, 2015)
• throam quotes // VHS edit by sendsitslcve on Tumblr (February 12, 2017)
• Jackie Me and this Podcast, chapter by chapter fan retrospective podcast. (August 1, 2022 - )
• NAME REDACTED Writes THROAM Fanfiction To Cope With Being An English Major, fanfiction series by horrificaesthetic on AO3 (December 23, 2022 - )
• The Boy and The Crow a re-telling of Volume 1: Over The Tracks from Brendon's perspective by inconnus on AO3 (March 8, 2023)