The broccoli test (2004 essay)

Meta
Title:	The broccoli test
Creator:	Gwyneth Rhys
Date(s):	September 21, 2004
Medium:
Fandom:	shipping/pairing
Topic:
External Links:	the broccoli test at DW the broccoli test at LJ
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The broccoli test is a 2004 essay by Gwyneth Rhys. This essay references The Broccoli Test, a trope created in the 1990s. There is also mention of the glossary term Clam, in addition to having several commentary aboutt vidding in the beginning.

Excerpts

I know I will get a lot of this wrong, since I'm telling it from memory over a decade old, but sherrold was the one who came up with the broccoli test idea when she was living in L.A. with a friend, C. As legend, and my mind filling in blanks, would tell it, Sandy and C were at the grocery store, on opposite ends of the produce section, and Sandy was trying to tell C to pick up some broccoli without shouting across the store at her. No amount of pantomiming and mouthing of the words could get the point across to C, and Sandy apparently told her (we were all in the midst of Professionals-mania then), "Doyle would have known Bodie wanted him to pick up some broccoli with just a raise of his eyebrow!" or something like that. Hence, Bodie and Doyle would have passed the broccoli test. (Sandy, please correct my wrongness here!)

And they do. The best pairings, for me, are ones who never have to explain what they want beyond a mere eyebrow-raise or a twitch of the head. Especially because I seem to be attracted to less and less talkative guys -- I've gone from the decidedly unchatty Lt. Castillo on Miami Vice to the churlish AD Skinner on X-Files to the nearly speechless Michael on La Femme Nikita to the taciturn pairing of Chris and Vin in Magnificent 7, culminating in the character who speaks 74 words through an entire two-hour movie, Sgt. Todd in Soldier. These days, I am liking the emotionally volatile but not especially loquacious Dominic Toretto. Spike is a freakish anomoly.

All of these guys pass the broccoli test with their (my) partner of choice. Dom merely looks at Brian after Jesse is killed in The Fast and the Furious, and Brian knows exactly what he wants him to do. After they finally get together and they know their true feelings, Michael can stare blankly at Nikita and she knows what he's telling her. In watching MV eps lately, it's amazing how much Castillo and Crockett say to each other without ever talking. And Chris and Vin... they were passing the broccoli test before they even met! The very first time they even see each other, they exchange a look across a wide street and nod their heads so slightly that if you're not watching carefully, you'd miss it, and then they go off to save a guy from being lynched! They've never even seen each other before. The uber-broccoli test masters, if you ask me.

Luke and Han, though, not so much. Nor Eddie and Monty, nor Angel and Buffy. For such a laconic guy, Angel with Buffy never had that broccoli test quality; though oddly, Spike and Buffy get very close frequently for reasons that mystify me, since Spike is so absurdly chatty and strange. Once he was on Buffy's side, they seemed to have a wierdly connected quality, especially in fighting. Maybe that's another reason why I hate the second half of season 6 so much -- they wrecked the broccoli test quality that Buffy and Spike had cultivated. Angel and Spike have no ability to pass the test at all, but it's charming because they try and we get great comic results. Angel and Wes, also, feint close to it, but never quite get there.

I'll often vid characters who can't pass the test, but I seem to have a tough time writing them -- the one thing that draws me most, a taciturn character paired with a chattier, more social one, is often just hated by most fans, who can't figure out how to write guys who don't talk. But for me that's a huge attraction -- I want that character to tilt his head slightly and the other character to go running off after bad guys. I want oceans of emotion to be conveyed with just a tiny quirk of the mouth. If they're on opposite ends of the produce aisle, I want one to know the other needs broccoli! Because that's the fun in writing in them, I suppose -- trying to convey that intangible quality yourself through words. So I guess there are many fannish loves, but only the most intense will pass the broccoli test, and only those who pass will drive me to write fanfic.

Response/Review

[mystic-savage]
Incidentally, I think Spike and Buffy would pass the broccoli test. Spike may be chatty, but he's also essentially broody and uber-expressive with his minutest gestures. Especially when he's alone and longing after Buffy before the Scoobies will have anything to do with him. Lots of scenes where he goes in and we have total empathy with him just because we caught him mid-swig at the pub trying to get over his heartbreak.

[killabeez]
Loved reading this! Most fun and insightful. I thought about my pairings, and I think this must be a big draw for me, too:

Pass the broccoli test:

Kirk/Spock (I'm sick of your half-breed interference, Mr. Spock!)
Stuart/Vince (It's all true! Everything we've been told!)
Seth/Sol (suspenders!)
Buffy/Spike (I'm with you on this one)
Sonny/Vinnie (yes, in another lifetime)
Starsky/Hutch (but of course)
Jeremiah/Kurdy (post-apocalyptic S&H)
Horatio/Archie (as much as Horatio ever could manage broccoli with anyone)
Johnny/Bruce (absolutely! I present "Zion" as my proof)
Alexander/Hephaistion (say no more)
CJ/Toby (sign language)

I even have a couple of icons that I subtitled "No words necessary," with pictures of my BSOs just looking at each other. And yet, how do I then explain Duncan/Methos? Because, so not, and they are my all-time OTP. And yet, the potential for broccoli is there, big time. Maybe it's the potential that keeps me coming back. :D

I remembered the story about Sandy and Bodie and Doyle and the broccoli, but it was still great to hear it again. *g*

[gwyn_r]
Seth and Sol would so totally pass the broccoli test -- he's packed Seth's bag before Seth even asks him to! Sigh. I'd actually like to see if Jeremiah and Kurdy could -- it would be funny if they couldn't. Kurdy would get all pissed off and want to know why the hell he couldn't just ask.

I think there's always an anomoly in the whole clam/broccoli thing. We have to have some pairing who violate our usual standards so that we can appreciate them more. ;-)

[killabeez]
That could be it. I think, too, that I saw the very end of HL before I ever saw the rest of the show, and Duncan and Methos were just starting to get there in the last episodes. Plus, I fell for the show watching Till Death -- the "we're so married and living together" episode. *g*

I really don't have the clam thing, though. I mean, I really don't. Clams are the anti-turn-on for me, so I think these are two separate (but for some, complementary) phenomena.

[midnitemaraud-r]
Here from metafandom and I saw your comment about Duncan/Methos and their not passing the test. :) My first thought was that I didn't know if I'd want them to because what I love most about their relationship is the clever, witty banter between them, (highlighted and showcased beautifully in Till Death!) and if they ever actually passed the broccoli test, they'd lose something there. In another sense, they might actually know the other wanted broccoli, but it's just much more fun for the both of them to pretend that they don't - do you know what I mean? Even in Horseman/Revelation (Revelation moreso) Duncan knew Methos was leaving him clues, and while it could be argued that Methos was playing both sides of the Duncan/Kronos game and planned to go with the winner, he chose to oppose Silas before the outcome was certain after all.

And in that 7th season Methos-Joe episode whose name is escaping me at the moment (with Joe's daughter), Methos knew what Joe was doing all along, didn't he?

I did have a point somewhere... Oh, yes! Duncan and Methos. On the surface they don't appear to pass the broccoli test, but I still think it's there. Methos is much more perceptive than he lets on a lot of the time. It just isn't part of his... personality, to give things away so easily.

[kimberlyfdr]
The whole time I'm thinking "Starsky and Hutch would soooooo pass the test." I love that explanation, too. That's exactly what I seek, that kind of "we need no words" relationship.

[killabeez]
The broccoli test is eternal. And perennial, aparently. *g*

S&H so wrote the book on broccoli tests.

[talking_sock]
While the broccoli test is the test of a True, Obvious, Screaming to be Slashed pair on tv, some hot couples aren't always going to pass -- or, they're never going to pass, no matter how hard they try to or want to. The interesting thing about Han and Luke in Cara's stories is that even when they're sleeping together, they're not necessarily reading each other's mind about dinner vegetables. Or shopping together. Luke is off saving the universe, and Han is running from his feelings and pretending he likes meat more than veg.

I know you're not a fan, but Mulder/Krycek, too (obviously) -- and probably even Aeryn and John on Farscape. As I got bored with slash stories that ended in the perfect fuck, I got a bit more interested in the imperfect fuck, which usually means the broccoflower couples, not the broccoli couples.

I think Spike and Buffy would pass it on some days; maybe it would only be one directional, though (and I might go either direction on different days!) or they'd be an aisle off and all angry about that. But that's part of why they're interesting to contemplate, even in bed.

[gwyn_r]
Well, it's not so much a test of hotness as a test of what makes me write. There are definitely outliers, but I just realized a while ago that it's almost always that broccoli test kind of relationship that will make me sit down and do a story.

What I really don't get, though, is why. I mean, most of the ones you mentioned (except ick, Krycek) are hot, yet never made me want to write! I don't know why, either. Luke and Han especially appeals to me, yet I can't put pen to paper.

[liliaeth]
I think one fun thing of Buffy/Spike is how the gender roles are switched. Spike basically has the female role of having to drag the more silent partner (aka Buffy) into conversation. Cause the older Buffy gets, the less talkative she gets.

It's one of a million reasons why Buffy/Angel just doesn't work, they both like it too much to keep silent on their troubles, so in the end, they'd just be building up all those frustrations and anger till it all explodes. They're just too alike in all the bad ways, and too different in the good ways. If they ever got together again, I'd give them three weeks at most, they'd kill eachother after a month.

[gwyn_r]
Yeah! One of the things I often loved about X-Files was that Mulder was the girl in the relationship. And Spike is way more on the female let's talk end of things.

Much as I adore Buffy and Angel together, they just could never pass the test. They're both clams, and that's dangerous. ;-)

[st-crispins]
Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin. They interacted as if they were telepathic ---and didn't need no stinkin' Vulcan mind meld :)

[starbrown]
Jeeves/Wooster has to set some kind of record for broccoli tests -- at least on Jeeves' part.

[azurelunatic]
Jeeves knows that Wooster wants broccoli when Wooster was absolutely certain that he wanted meat and potatoes.

Wooster might realize, three months after the fact, that when Jeeves raised his eyebrow like that, he meant that he wanted broccoli. Or not.

[pinglederry]
Exactly! XDDD I love how he always gets rid of/destroys whatever item of Bertie's that offended him just before Bertie gives in and tells him he can.

[plum177]
Agreeing so much! Jeeves/Wooster has total broccoli test pass-ability (not sure that's actually a word, but oh well!), as does S/H. Since i came here (in a very round about way) from a Good Omens something I feel it necessary to say that broccoli notwithstanding, Aziraphale will always take the perfect bottle of wine when meeting Crowley. And while Crowley will always know when Aziraphale wants broccoli, he'll always get green beans instead, just to be awkward.

[scrollgirl]
You don't know me, but I very recently (as in, last week) got into M7 fandom. I'd seen this post before, linked from all over, but it's not until I finally watched Chris and Vin stare at each other across a wide street that I truly understood the meaning of the Broccoli Test ;)

*shows off icon* It took me forever to get the file size down to 40k.

[scrollgirl]
GIP. Because Chris/Vin = OTP. Except of course when I'm slashing them with Buck and/or Ezra and/or Chanu and/or there's crossover het. Or just plain het. Or it's gen. (You get the point.)

[…]

I finally understand the Broccoli Test. For context, go read gwyn_r's brilliant post from three and a half years ago in which she explained the Broccoli Test as thus:

[…]

Not that I hadn't grasped the surface meaning of the Broccoli Test before, with pairings like Superman/Batman, Duncan/Methos, Duncan/Amanda, and (platonically) Jed Bartlet & Leo McGarry. (I agree that Buffy/Angel wouldn't pass the broccoli test.) But now I've had it demonstrated for me just what Masters of the Broccoli Test are truly capable of. That kind of unspoken synchronicity.

Chris/Vin = Uber-Broccoli Test Masters :D

[esteefee]
oh! one of my favorite characters of all time, who manages to convey a universe with a single growl into the throat mic. :)))

I'd never heard of the Broccoli Test but two of my favorite pairings definitely pass it: Starsky and Hutch, Fraser and RayK. I can't tell you how viddable they are as a result.