The Eye of Argon

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Original Fiction
Title: The Eye of Argon
Author(s): Jim Theis
Date(s): August 1970
Length: 17,000 words (approximately)
Genre: Fantasy
External Links: The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis, Archived version (story transcribed, includes illos)
The Eye of Argon, Archived version (story transcribed, includes the "lost ending")

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The Eye of Argon is a 1970 original sword-and-sorcery story by Jim Theis, a science fiction fan who was sixteen years old at the time of its publication. It was printed in the fanzine OSFAn #10 (Ozark SF Society), it was distributed widely from fan-to-fan, and was later circulated on USENET. The story became infamous in fan and literary circles, and is sometimes referred to as the "worst story/fantasy novel ever written"[1][2]. It has been the common subject of turkey readings and games at conventions. Although, often the target of mockery, it has its defenders, and in recent years there has been a great deal more sympathy for the author, who was a teenager at the time it was written[3][4].

Summary

A plot summary provided by reddit user Upbeat_Ruin (2024):

The basic plot of Eye of Argon is as follows: Grignr the barbarian, freshly escaped from an altercation in the city of Crin, rides across the desert and fights off two enemy soldiers before arriving in the city of Gorzom. He wooes a prostitute, Carthena, at a tavern, but gets into a battle with hostile local soldiers. Following the fight, he's arrested and taken before the city's prince, who sentences him to the mines. He languishes in the dungeon and fights a giant rat while the evil Cult of Argon secretly prepares to sacrifice a young woman. Grignr escapes his captors and slips through the secret entrance that goes to the cult's lair. He slays the cultists and rescues the woman, who is revealed to be Carthena. He takes the gem known as the Eye of Argon as he and she escape the palace. Outside the palace, the gem turns into a slug monster, which Grignr narrowly defeats before it gives him a strange vision and disappears. Dazed, he takes Carthena back home with him to Ecordia.[3]

Although an original story, it is a rather obvious pastiche of Robert E. Howard's Conan the Barbarian.

Sample Pages

  • cover of OSFAN #10

    cover of OSFAN #10

  • first page

    first page

  • page with sample illo, the artist is possibly Theis, but no credit is given

    page with sample illo, the artist is possibly Theis, but no credit is given

An Early Pass-Around Story

The story was passed around in science fiction fannish communities, often without the author's name attached to it.

Chelsea Quinn Yarbro was mailed a copy, and in a late 2003 email, describes reading this story aloud, and furthering its journey in fannish circles:

Tom Scortia sent me the fanzine pages as a kind of shared amusement, since both of us tended to look for poor use of language in stories. Don Simpson and I were still married then, and one of our entertainments was reading aloud to each other. This work was such a mish-mash that we took turns reading it to each other until we could stand no more... About two weeks after the story arrived, we had a dinner party, mainly for MWA (Mystery Writers of America) and book dealer friends, and Joe Gores got to talking about some of the really hideous language misuse he had seen in recent anthology submissions and had brought along a few of the most egregious. I mentioned I had something that put his examples in the shade, and brought out "The Eye of Argon." It was a huge hit. [Locus reviewer] Tom Whitmore asked if he could make a copy of it, and I loaned it to him, and readings of it started to become a hideous entertainment. I never typed out a copy of it, but I am afraid I did start the ball rolling. [5]

Chapbook Printing

In 1987 Hypatia Press published the story in chapbook form, but it was not attributed to Theis, but instead to G. Ecordian, a play on the main character's name. It was reprinted in the 1990s, again without attribution to Theis. It also appears that Theis never received any royalties from the sale of these books.

The Most Common Version, and the Missing Ending

The version which was circulated widely on the early Internet was manually transcribed by Don Simpson from a mimeograph of Theis' original. Simpson comments at the bottom:

No mere transcription can give the true flavor of the original printing of The Eye of Argon. It was mimeographed with stencils cut on an elite manual typewriter. Many letters were so faint as to be barely readable, others were overstruck, and some that were to be removed never got painted out with correction fluid. Usually, only one space separated sentences, while paragraphs were separated by a blank line and were indented ten spaces. Many words were grotesquely hyphenated. And there were illustrations -- I cannot do them justice in mere words, but they were a match for the text. These are the major losses of this version (#02) of TEoA.

Otherwise, all effort has been made to retain the full and correct text, preserving even mis-spellings and dropped spaces. An excellent proofreader has checked it for errors both ommitted and committed. What mis-matches remain are mine.

I shall endeavor to keep a copy of the original available for viewing, so it may be appreciated in all its fullness. But as a labor of love for those whose 3rd-generation copies have now suscummed to the bitter vicissitudes of time and entropy, worn away by the ravages of countelss re-readings before entralled audiances, yet who have found that the the heady flavor of its stylistic paragraphs has seeped into their soul and still grips it with a fervid grasp, I dedicate this machine-readable version of the inimitable The Eye of Argon.

Simpson's version was missing its last page, so the story ended rather abruptly.

A complete copy of OSFAN #10 was later found at the Jack Williamson SF Library at Eastern New Mexico University. An administrator there reported that the long-missing Page 49 began with: "With a sloshing plop the thing fell to the ground, evaporating in a thick scarlet cloud until it reatained its original size." [6]

What the Author Thought About Reactions to His Story

On Hour 25, a fantasy/SF talk show on listener-sponsored Pacifica Radio station KPFK in Los Angeles, the presenters would periodically stage a reading of "The Eye of Argon." In an interview on March 8, 1984, Theis stated that he was hurt that his story was being mocked:

The author was once interviewed on a Los Angeles sf show called Hour 25. The guys on that show used to read "Eye" periodically and mock mightily. The author was rather hurt that his story, which he wrote out of love (however misplaced) for the Howard genre, was so hooted at. He said he would never write anything again. [7]

Media Commentary

Self-publishing has a long, grisly history in sf fandom. One of the genre's most beloved pieces of appalling prose was tapped out on duplicator stencils by a typist who could usefully have been replaced by a infinite number of monkeys. The result has been read aloud to groans of appreciation at countless sf conventions. This is Jim Theis's legendary 1970ish fantasy epic, The Eye of Argon!

The story introduces Grignr the Barbarian, closely resembling Conan but worse-tempered, worse-spelt and harder to pronounce. His favourite oath is 'Slut!', aimed indiscriminately at men and women alike. And the Eye of Argon itself is of course a precious jewel, the eye of an idol, with some interesting plumbing attached:

"Glaring directly down towards her was the stoney, cycloptic face of the bloated diety. Gaping from its single obling socket was scintillating, many fauceted scarlet emerald ..."

Jim Theis (still with us, I believe) was a malaprop genius, a McGonagall of prose with an eerie gift for choosing the wrong word and then misapplying it.... The challenge of death, at sf conventions, is to read The Eye of Argon aloud, straight-faced, without choking and falling over. The grandmaster challenge is to read it with a squeaky voice after inhaling helium. What fun we fans have. [8]

David Langford, SFX magazine (1998)

Fan Reactions and Reviews

2000

This is something of a legend in SF/F fandom. Indeed, there are contests at cons to see who can read the most without completely cracking up. (I can't read much of it...) It includes a "hero" named Grignr (!), a leading lady who is alternately slender and busty, more mouse carnage, and the longest "kick in the groin" scene ever. Bob Saget would be proud. [9]

2001

I was once lured into an "Eye of Argon" reading, and couldn't get through half a page of reading that thing aloud without cracking up. This was a charity event, so every time a reader broke down ROFLing, s/he had to pay a dollar. I think we raised $100 for the charity before we got all the way through. Yea, verify, it's that bad. [10]

Imagine a terrible transporter accident - not a merciful death that leaves its victims as quivering chunks of flesh (Star Trek: The Slow Motion Picture), nor a romantic one that brings together two kindred spirits like Tuvok and Neelix (VOY: "Tuvix"), but one which unites the interminable pulp adventures of Edgar Rice Burroughs with the exploding thesaurus of horror which was known as H. P. Lovecraft. Add a little brain damage (ok, a lot of brain damage), and you have Jim Theis, alleged author of The Eye of Argon.

I think I've rubbernecked at too many fan fiction accidents, because I enjoyed The Eye of Argon. Its lovingly-preserved typos and grammatical errors aren't up to the standards of one of our own (e.g., Analyiah), but in all other categories Jim Theis is an author Bad Fanfic! No Biscuit! could be proud of. He has a firm grasp on the pulp fiction concept of plot (plenty of swordfights, secret passages and confrontations with fat, evil princes) and characterization (none to speak of). The style boasts a superfluity of adjectives (almost all of them misused) that would make Lovecraft blush. And to top it all off, The Eye of Argon is unfinished. Perhaps the author is still waiting for fanmail before he turns it into a trilogy.

[much plot and commentary snipped]

...the story ends abruptly. Apparently there was not enough room in the mimeograph margin to fit Grignr's final fate. Did this aboriginal evil, this nefarious Eye, grow to consume the entire world? Did Carthena come to and save the day? Did Grignr have roast blob for dinner? The world will never know.

Besides the Technicolor theme, The Eye of Argon is notable for its stunning creativity in the tired old field of swordplay. Where else can you see a grown man done in by a rat's pelvis? Could Lovecraft himself have transformed a scarlet emerald into an eerie misbegotten leech-blob? Highly unusual for pulp is the feminist angle, in which Carthena (clearly a proponent of free love) strikes out against the male oppressor with sandals, torches and orange-white bile. Overall, The Eye of Argon is a refreshing splash of vinegar in this jaundiced fic-reader's eye. [11]

2008

This style continues throughout the story. There are some truly classic passages where it becomes abundantly clear that the author had, in fact, no bloody clue what some of the words he was using actually meant. For example, he describes a tavern wench as having a “lithe, opaque nose.” I can’t get the image of everyone else having transparent noses out of my mind. A wild thesaurus has definitely rampaged through the text. The author obviously didn’t want to overuse the word “palace” so he substituted, apparently at random, seraglio, chateau, and castle — none of which, of course, is the same thing as a palace. The people conducting the human sacrifice are variously shamans, priests, or acolytes — yes, all three words are used to describe the same individual. The difference between a medicine man, a priest, and a priest’s assistant seemingly did not matter to the author. They were all in the same entry in his thesaurus, no doubt.[12]

2024

Carthena is sexualized to hell and back, but she is a named character who plays an active role in the plot, Grignr needs her help to escape, and she's not slut-shamed for having sexuality. It's made clear multiple times that her relationship with Grignr is consensual; the barbarian expresses disgust at how her autonomy was taken away by the prince, and her sexual assault at the hands of the cultists is depicted as the evil and bad thing that it is. She even has a kill count of two – it's her that slays Agaphim at the end! All things considered, not bad for 1970. Eye of Argon has far more misogynist, rapey books as its contemporaries. And the infamous prose, well, it's clearly modeled off the style of the narration in Conan. Are we really going to make fun of a teen for emulating his favorite author?

 [3]

Fannish Interpretations, Remixes, and Comparisons

Convention Readings and Games

The story has subsequently been used as part of a common science fiction convention party game[13] and has been the subject of many turkey reads. At some conventions, the story is acted in mime. At others, the challenge is to read the story with a straight face, to include all the mistakes as written, and for extra fun, to read it in a squeaky voice after inhaling helium.

In 2005, it was the subject of a turkey read by Jane Mailander at Bascon. From the programming notes: "For the second year in a row, Jane will host a reading of "Eye of Argon" - possibly the worst sword-and-sorcery fanfic ever written. Come for the silly."

Youtube, Podcasts, and the Modern Internet

It is quite common to find dramatic readings of the story on Youtube[14][15]. It is also quite common for podcasts to read and discuss the story[16][17]. There is also many blog posts that try and provide literary analysis or criticism of the story[18]. How much of these things are straight mockery, or genuine attempts to appreciate the text, vary greatly.

Inspired Fanworks

It is the subject of a filk by Lee Gold in The Bastard Children of Argo, see Eye of Aragon: the filksong (pdf), Archived version (page 54)

Jane Mailander wrote a parody of this story called "Bodiana Jones and the Eye of Argon." It was printed in Chalk and Cheese #10 (1992) and has the summary: "Bodiana Jones and the Eye of Argon" by Jane Mailander is the second of her Quanta Leap series in which Bodie and Doyle are propelled into different times and places to solve problems. In this outing, they leap into an Indiana Jones world, where Doyle ends up as a sacrifice."

Use in Fandom Vernacular

One fan described Life from the Ashes, a long X-Files story, as "'The Eye of Argon' of X-Files fandom." [19].

Published Works

In 2019, Geoff Bottone published Grïgnyr the Ecordian: A Retelling of the Eye of Argon on Kindle, using the original plotline to tell a straight-ahead sword and sorcery yarn, with improved spelling and grammar.

In 2022, The Eye of Argon and the Further Adventures of Grignr the Barbarian was published, edited by Michael A Ventrella, it included the original story plus several others inspired by it and set within the same universe.

Further Reading

Resources

References

  1. ^ The Eye of Argon at the Internet Speculative Fiction Database
  2. ^ Have You Read “The Worst Story Ever Written?” Clear Your Schedule! by Charlie Jane Anders, at gizmodo.com
  3. ^ a b c (Fantasy Fiction) The real story behind the so-called "worst fantasy novella" posted to r/HobbyDrama, Oct 1, 2024
  4. ^ The Tragic Story Behind The Worst Fantasy Book Ever Written, video essay by Dominic Noble
  5. ^ "In Search of "The Eye of Argon" by Lee Weinstein, November 2004, The New York Review of Science Fiction
  6. ^ The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis, transcriber's notes at the bottom, Archived version
  7. ^ SS > SF > The Eye of Argon > XXXXXX, Archived version
  8. ^ Bottom of the Barrel, SFX magazine column by David Langford, October 1998
  9. ^ comment by Lea Frost at NitCentral, December 14, 1999
  10. ^ comments by Leslie Fish in The Bastard Children of Argo (pdf), Archived version (page 54)
  11. ^ zendom : easter egg vinegar in your eyes, Archived version (2001)
  12. ^ "The Thesaurus: Friend or Foe?, 24 August 2008 by Wandering Critic". Archived from the original on 2024-10-06.
  13. ^ For example, the Arisia 2015 program lists Eye of Argon on the Saturday night schedule: "This perennial Arisia favorite is back! Can you make it through a reading without making a mistake? Or laughing? Our panelists will try! And so can you!"
  14. ^ The Eye of Argon Dramatic Reading (April 1st Video) by Terrible Writing Advice
  15. ^ A Dramatic Reading of Jim Theis's THE EYE OF ARGON, by The D-Pad
  16. ^ The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis, on The Drunk Guys Bookclub Podcast
  17. ^ #208 The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis, Green Team of the Legendarium podcast
  18. ^ The Eye of Argon: A Literary Analysis (Part 1), at The Scrub Report
  19. ^ fashes. THEY KILLED KRYCEK'S *BABY* ::SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY:: "X-Files vagina belly button fic that I never finished. I'm finishing it now. Or it's finishing me... HOLD ME!! falls back into bed, drapes an arm over her eyes and WEEPS", 20 September 2006; see also Morgan Dawn's personal notes from 2000 (Accessed 20 May 2010)
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