Golden Mushroom Awards

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Award
Name: Golden Mushroom Awards
Date(s): 2003-2005
Frequency: annual
Format: fanfiction
Type: voted
Associated Community: West of the Moon (Hobbit archive)
Fandom: Lord of the Rings
URL: Golden Mushroom Awards, Archived link
Click here for related articles on Fanlore.

The Golden Mushroom Awards were voted awards for fanfiction in the Lord of the Rings fandom that ran 2003, 2004, and 2005. The awards were hosted on the West of the Moon archive. The awards' self-described purpose was "to promote companionship among the authors and readers of hobbit fanfiction--by allowing us to poke a little fun at ourselves!" On the awards' unusual categories, the site said:

"The awards categories that you will find herein are a bit unusual, but they are designed to mimic an MTV-style of award, and provide entertainment for us hobbit-loving folk. So let us state UP FRONT: these categories are a bit abrupt and snarky, and they are meant to be that way. But they are general and are not meant to persecute any group, or make fun of anyone. These awards are designed to allow us to laugh with each other, not at each other, so if you are nominated for an award, please accept in the spirit of fun and do not feel that you are being affronted, because you are NOT. [1]

The awards were divided into General Awards and Adult Awards. Concession and acceptance speeches from nominees were encouraged.

2003

2003 General Awards

2003 General Awards Speeches
Boil Vey Award — most unusual symptom

Best Invented Disease (thatfrodocatchesinfiveseconds)

Best Retch

Best Crybaby

Best Drama Queen

Best Damsel in Distress — this does not necessarily have to be female…

Best Hobbitsicle — hobbits are a dish best served cold

Best Hobbit Wino — “when elven eyes are smiling…*hiccup*”

Best Abuse of a Controlled Substance — "Pippin, where DID you get these mushrooms!?"

Most Inappropriate Use of Human/Elf/Dwarf

Best Lost In Rivendell — are we there yet?
(Fics where the characters spend an inordinate amount of time in a particular location: Bree, Rivendell, Minas Tirith, etc.)

Best Abuse of Culinary Arts — does the book really say that Frodo can't cook?
(Stories where a hobbit’s cooking skills are grossly maligned. It’s likely to be Frodo, but it certainly doesn’t have to be.)

Best Use of Rosie

Honourable Marlin Perkins Award — Wild Kingdom
(Fics that make the most interesting or outrageous use of animals.)

Best Vacation from Canon

Best Use of Flame Outside of Mt. Doom

Most Dramatic Use of Drowning (or Near Drowning)

2003 Adult Awards

2003 Adult Awards Speeches
Best Visit by Mrs Palm and her Five Daughters — self-familiarity at its finest

Most Ingenious Sacrifice of Clothing — the unsubtle Art of the strip tease

Best Hobbit Origami — or, I didn't know that legs could BEND that way!

Best Peep Show — for those who get off on looking on

Best Stress Test on Non-Bedroom Furniture — you're gonna WIPE that table after you're done, right?

Best Tongue-Twister — need we explain?

Best Hobbitpile — the more, the Merryer!

Best Slip 'n Slide — creative use and style of lubricant

Best Chick!Frodo — does Frodo buy his lavender water from Crabtree & Evelyn?

Most Frustrating Fade to Black — but I’ve been waiting the whole fic just to SEE this part! WAH!!!

Most Creative Use of Vegetables — I didn't think you could DO that with a carrot!
(Fics exhibiting the most creative or outrageous use of any food product.)

Best Wet 'n Wild — hobbits are slippery when wet and it’s better so…
(Fics involving hobbits and water. Ahem.)

The "I'm in the Mood for Love" Award — you want to do that WHERE!?
(Fics where consummation takes place in the most creative location)

The Tie-Me-Up Tie-Me-Down Award — excellence in light hobbit bondage

The Honorary Frodo Award: Damn, he really IS a screamer, isn't he?
(Fics where a hobbit achieves excellence in vocal appreciation of his current situation.)

The Honorary Sam Award: Coming, Sir!
(Fics in where a hobbit achieves excellence in climax, otherwise known as the best orgasm award.)

2004

2004 Awards Speeches

2004 General Awards

Boil Vey Award — most unusual symptom

Best Invented Disease (thatfrodocatchesinfiveseconds)

Best Retch

Best Crybaby

Best Drama Queen

Best Damsel in Distress — this does not necessarily have to be female…

Best Hobbitsicle — hobbits are a dish best served cold

Best Hobbit Wino — “when elven eyes are smiling…*hiccup*”

Best Abuse of a Controlled Substance — "Pippin, where DID you get these mushrooms!?"

Most Inappropriate Use of Human/Elf/Dwarf

Best Lost In Rivendell — are we there yet?
(Fics where the characters spend an inordinate amount of time in a particular location: Bree, Rivendell, Minas Tirith, etc.)

Best Abuse of Culinary Arts — does the book really say that Frodo can't cook?
(Stories where a hobbit’s cooking skills are grossly maligned. It’s likely to be Frodo, but it certainly doesn’t have to be.)

Best Use of Rosie

Honourable Marlin Perkins Award — Wild Kingdom
(Fics that make the most interesting or outrageous use of animals.)

Best Vacation from Canon

Best Use of Flame Outside of Mt. Doom

Most Dramatic Use of Drowning (or Near Drowning)

Best Excuse for a Search Party—who lost Pippin THIS time?!
(Fics displaying the most unique misplacement of character(s).)

Best Rug Rat—in the nursery, no one can hear you scream…
(Fics tormented by the most mischievous young hobbit.)

Best Candidate for Prozac — Frodo is never gonna make it through this one without happy pills!
(Fics in which a character is placed in the most angsty situation.)

The Eye of the Tiger Award — Do hobbits punch raw meat, or just make steak tartar?
(The fic with the best fight scene.)

The Cue the Orchestra Award — “Ya know, author dear, we’re not elves. I’m just sayin’.”
(Please nominate fics that are begging for a conclusion.)

2004 Adult Awards

Best Visit by Mrs Palm and her Five Daughters — self-familiarity at its finest

Most Ingenious Sacrifice of Clothing — the unsubtle Art of the strip tease

Best Hobbit Origami — or, I didn't know that legs could BEND that way!

Best Peep Show — for those who get off on looking on

Best Stress Test on Non-Bedroom Furniture — you're gonna WIPE that table after you're done, right?

Best Tongue-Twister — need we explain?

Best Hobbitpile — the more, the Merryer!

Best Slip 'n Slide — creative use and style of lubricant

Best Chick!Frodo — does Frodo buy his lavender water from Crabtree & Evelyn?

Most Frustrating Fade to Black — but I’ve been waiting the whole fic just to SEE this part! WAH!!!

Most Intriguing Foot Fetish — mmm…feet...

Most Creative Use of Vegetables — I didn't think you could DO that with a carrot!
(Fics exhibiting the most creative or outrageous use of any food product.)

Best Wet 'n Wild — hobbits are slippery when wet and it’s better so…
(Fics involving hobbits and water. Ahem.)

The "I'm in the Mood for Love" Award — you want to do that WHERE!?
(Fics where consummation takes place in the most creative location.)

The Tie-Me-Up Tie-Me-Down Award — excellence in light hobbit bondage

The Honorary Frodo Award: Damn, he really IS a screamer, isn't he?
(Fics where a hobbit achieves excellence in vocal appreciation of his current situation.)

The Honorary Sam Award: Coming, Sir!
(Fics in where a hobbit achieves excellence in climax, otherwise known as the best orgasm award.)

The Identity Crisis Award for OCs — Am I just here to screw Frodo, or do I have a life of my own?

Most Unusual Pairing — Don’t put that in your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been!

The Pucker Up Award—Hey there, handsome, wanna suck face?
(Best Kiss.)

The Honorary Pippin Award: Are we there YET?!
(Fics where a hobbit pair achieves excellence in sustained foreplay.)

The Honorary Merry Award: We’re coming too!!
(Fics where a hobbit pair achieves excellence in simultaneous climax.)

2005

2005 General Awards

2005 General Awards Speeches
Boil Vey Award — most unusual symptom

Best Invented Disease (thatfrodocatchesinfiveseconds)

Best Retch

Best Crybaby

Best Drama Queen

Best Damsel in Distress — this does not necessarily have to be female…

Best Hobbitsicle — hobbits are a dish best served cold

Best Hobbit Wino — “when elven eyes are smiling…*hiccup*”

Best Abuse of a Controlled Substance — "Pippin, where DID you get these mushrooms!?"

Most Inappropriate Use of Human/Elf/Dwarf

Best Lost In Rivendell — are we there yet?
(Fics where the characters spend an inordinate amount of time in a particular location: Bree, Rivendell, Minas Tirith, etc.)

Best Abuse of Culinary Arts — does the book really say that Frodo can't cook?
(Stories where a hobbit’s cooking skills are grossly maligned. It’s likely to be Frodo, but it certainly doesn’t have to be.)

Best Use of Rosie

Honourable Marlin Perkins Award — Wild Kingdom
(Fics that make the most interesting or outrageous use of animals.)

Best Vacation from Canon

Best Use of Flame Outside of Mt. Doom

Most Dramatic Use of Drowning (or Near Drowning)

Best Excuse for a Search Party—who lost Pippin THIS time?!
(Fics displaying the most unique misplacement of character(s).)

Best Rug Rat—in the nursery, no one can hear you scream…
(Fics tormented by the most mischievous young hobbit.)

Best Candidate for Prozac — Frodo is never gonna make it through this one without happy pills!
(Fics in which a character is placed in the most angsty situation.)

The Eye of the Tiger Award — Do hobbits punch raw meat, or just make steak tartar?
(The fic with the best fight scene.)

The Cue the Orchestra Award — “Ya know, author dear, we’re not elves. I’m just sayin’.”
(Fics that are begging for a conclusion.)

2005 Adult Awards

2005 Adult Awards Speeches
Best Visit by Mrs Palm and her Five Daughters — self-familiarity at its finest

Most Ingenious Sacrifice of Clothing — the unsubtle Art of the strip tease

Best Hobbit Origami — or, I didn't know that legs could BEND that way!

Best Peep Show — for those who get off on looking on

Best Stress Test on Non-Bedroom Furniture — you're gonna WIPE that table after you're done, right?

Best Tongue-Twister — need we explain?

Best Hobbitpile — the more, the Merryer!

Best Slip 'n Slide — creative use and style of lubricant

Best Chick!Frodo — does Frodo buy his lavender water from Crabtree & Evelyn?

Most Frustrating Fade to Black — but I’ve been waiting the whole fic just to SEE this part! WAH!!!

Most Intriguing Foot Fetish — mmm…feet...

Most Creative Use of Vegetables — I didn't think you could DO that with a carrot!
(Fics exhibiting the most creative or outrageous use of any food product.)

Best Wet 'n Wild — hobbits are slippery when wet and it’s better so…
(Fics involving hobbits and water. Ahem.)
There was an error in the GMA process for the 2005 Wet 'n Wild Award. The site notes: "An error was made in the nominations phase for this year's Wet 'n Wild Award. Willow-wode's Rites of Passage, Bag End, Chapter 10, which won the 2004 Wet 'n Wild Award, was nominated, and the fact that it should have been disqualified was not caught. Likewise, the GMAs went through 3 weeks of open voting with no one catching that this mistake was made, and as it turns out, ROP, Bag End, Chapter 10 got the most votes in this category again this year. The error was discovered only yesterday, when the results lists were being formatted for posting. Therefore, in the interests of fairness, we have decided to let this result stand, and award the 2005 Wet 'n Wild Award to Willow-wode. Had this error been caught during the nominations or open voting phases, the story would have been disqualified, but we feel that it's neither fair to Willow-wode nor to those who voted for her to remove it at this time. We regret that this error occurred, and vow to avoid similar errors in the future." [7]

The "I'm in the Mood for Love" Award — you want to do that WHERE!?
(Fics where consummation takes place in the most creative location.)

The Tie-Me-Up Tie-Me-Down Award — excellence in light hobbit bondage

The Honorary Frodo Award: Damn, he really IS a screamer, isn't he?
(Fics where a hobbit achieves excellence in vocal appreciation of his current situation.)

The Honorary Sam Award: Coming, Sir!
(Fics in where a hobbit achieves excellence in climax, otherwise known as the best orgasm award.)

The Identity Crisis Award for OCs — Am I just here to screw Frodo, or do I have a life of my own?

Most Unusual Pairing — Don’t put that in your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been!

The Pucker Up Award — Hey there, handsome, wanna suck face?
(Best Kiss.)

The Honorary Pippin Award: Are we there YET?!
(Fics where a hobbit pair achieves excellence in sustained foreplay.)

The Honorary Merry Award: We’re coming too!!
(Fics where a hobbit pair achieves excellence in simultaneous climax.)

References

  1. Golden Mushrooms Awards Process, Accessed 20 June 2019.
  2. Golden Mushrooms General Awards 2003, Accessed 20 June 2019.
  3. Golden Mushrooms Adult Awards 2003, Accessed 21 June 2019.
  4. Golden Mushrooms General Awards 2004, Accessed 21 June 2019.
  5. Golden Mushrooms Adult Awards 2004, Accessed 22 June 2019.
  6. Golden Mushrooms General Awards 2005, Accessed 23 June 2019.
  7. Golden Mushrooms Adult Awards 2005, Wet N Wild Error, Accessed 24 June 2019.
  8. Golden Mushrooms Adult Awards 2005, Accessed 24 June 2019.