Rude Person

Synonyms:
See also:	Star Trek, ASCEM, Pon Farr, Story Tropes, Kirk/Spock
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Rude Person stories originated on the Usenet newsgroup Alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated in the spring and summer of 1998, after an especially heavy influx of trolls. The stories are archived (under a separate 'Rude Person' header) at the Trekiverse archive.

"Rude Person" stories also inspired fans to write other Person Stories in other styles.

Rude Person Stories: Origin

...the K/S rude person stories emerged in April of 1998, poking great fun at the possibilities that emerge when anyone can Web-publish anything. The premise: what if a rude person joined the newsgroup and typed out the first K/S idea that came into her head without looking around to see what K/S was about or what had been written before? The first couple were lampooned parodies on crass, emotionless sex scenes and fraught with deliberate misspellings, which soon kicked off a number of clever K/S shorts as iftold by persons with a particular and entertaining manner of expression. The storyline of each is trite and oft-told; the enjoyment is in the uniqueness of telling.

Definition

Rude Person stories fall into two categories.

The first Rude Person stories were modeled on the original one-paragraph Rude Person story by Varoneeka, Ricker and Troy Fuck. Her post was titled "Hi. I'm a Rude Person", and both post and story were a parody of recent troll response to the newsgroup:

So, I heard from unnamed people who evidently live in the 'net ether that you guys are all a bunch of clickish creeps who have nothing better to do than ignore new arthors and make them feel bad because you're all such clickish creeps. This has nothing to do with the fact that you simply don't know who I am. On other newgroups I am reveered and belovved. I have this incredibly wonderful story that should make everyone just think I am such hot shit that they will bild a statue to me in the new Vegas Star Trek thing.

Other writers followed her example, creating prime examples of purposely-written badfic, with titles like Kurk and Spok Fuck and Oda and Keera Fuk on the Promanod.

UKJess introduced a new variant: Ah'm Norra Rude Person, aka "Pon Farr wi'out a lass (K 'an S wi' mucky bits)". Her story was written in Yorkshire dialect, and neatly skewered the clichés of a typical first wave Kirk/Spock story: Kirk and Spock travel in a shuttlecraft which breaks down, landing them on a planet; they take shelter in a cave; Spock goes into pon farr and asks Kirk for help; Kirk is hesitant, because he's Not Gay; they have sex; McCoy arrives too late (and is jealous).

What a to do! There's no lasses for lightyeers arahnd and they's neither of 'em queer like but after a bit Spock can't tek 'is eyes of 'is captain's arse -- like two 'ard-boiled eggs in a hanky, it is. So 'ee says, "Jim, ah've come all over peculiar, like. Is there any chance of thee and me having a bit of how's your father?"

Other ASCEM writers began producing their own variations on this theme, generally leaving the parameters of the original K/S story itself intact to focus on the style, with hilarious and clever results. Raymond Queneau, eat your heart out.

Other Person Stories

From Judith Gran in 1998:

I've been enjoying the various "Person" stories tremendously. What an amazingly collection of brilliant and talented folk make up this newsgroup. From Silicon Valley-speak to Minnesotan to lumberjack talk to Italian-American -- I'm impressed beyond words. And I've been walking around with a smile on my face for the last week just thinking about these vignettes.

Mary Ellen said I could post a Marxist Person story if I wrote a Legal Person story first. I'm working on it, but the Marxist version popped out first.

Some Rude Person Stories

• Application of Stimulus Satiation With a Vulcan Male in Pon Farr, by Judy Gran (behaviorist version)
• Caribbean Pon Farr Approach Only, by Rae Trail (in Caribbean dialect)
• Crew Person, by Jane St Clair (in the style of Joseph Conrad)
• Kirk and Spock Go Ice Fishing, by Jungle Kitty. (in Minnesotan dialect) There is also a podcast version of this story: Jungle Kitty's podcast version of "Kirk and Spock Go Ice Fishing"
• The Dialectic of Pon Farr, by Marxist Person, by Judy Gran (Marxist version)
• Pawn Farr Without No Honey, by Rhi (in Appalachian dialect)
• Pon Farr With No Chicks (K 'un S with rootin'.), by Jules (in Australian dialect)
• Pon Farr With No Hope of an IPO, by jonk (in Silicon Valley speak)
• Pon Farr Without A Noun, by Jungle Kitty, Lene Taylor, and jonk (MadLib version)
• Ponn Far With No Madl, by T'Reija (Bavarian version)
• Unpacking Pon Farr: Kirk, Spock, and the image of the female void, by R. Person, PhD., by brancher (academic version)
• Case Study: The Pon Farr Project, by Jungle Kitty (project management version)
• A Rude Comic, by T'Len (comic script version)
• Ponne Farrr wit'haut a reel womman, by T'Pat (Italian version)
• Rude Person Road Rage, by Susan P. (road rage version)
• Rude Person Wambaugh, by Greywolf the Wanderer (in the style of Joseph Wambaugh)
• Rude Vulcan Person, by jonk (Vulcan version)
• Uncouth Person, by ME Curtin (in the style of Jane Austen)
• Viking Person, by Scarlet (Scandinavian myth version)
• Pon Farr Wi'out a Lass, by UKJess (Yorkshire version)
• Goin' Bickies, by eimeo (in a broad Belfast accent)