Extra Oil, Light Butter, and Whipped Cream on the Side
|Title:||Extra Oil, Light Butter, and Whipped Cream on the Side|
|Author(s):||Alexis Fegan Black|
|Fandom:||Star Trek: The Original Series|
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Kirk and Spock are sent back in time to Earth to retrieve slash zines that star themselves. They procure the zines by having a lot of amazing sex with the zine publishers (something that is described after the fact).
The two men are astonished at the variety and intensity of their described sexual relations with each other as portrayed in zines. This leads to a lot of introspection about slash and author motivation, as well as discussion about the different types of zines and some tropes.
All this talk about sex and their fictional counterparts make Kirk and Spock decide to have actual sex with each other.
James T. Kirk sat at his desk, scowling at the computer terminal and trying to think of one good reason why he should finish the report detailing the Enterprise's latest mission.
Personally, he considered the whole thing ludicrous at best, and the fact that his tight-fitting regulation briefs had crept up his left butt-cheek and were now methodically gnawing at his testicles did nothing to improve his mood. Somehow, the mere idea of forwarding the data they had recovered during their fact-finding voyage into Earth's past — 1992, to be specific — left him irritable and moody.
Fact-finding mission, my ass! he thought, squirming onto his right buttock to retrieve the errant underpants for the fourth time in as many minutes. Twenty billion credits to send the Enterprise back in time over two hundred years just to pick up a bunch of books! And all because — somehow — Starfleet got wind of the possibility that somehow, somewhere, someway, someone in Earth's past had somehow seen the future. At least enough to immortalize the Enterprise and her illustrious crew in the form of these — these Klingon-sucking books!
Kirk grimaced, looking at the stack of those 'books' piled on the corner of his desk. Hardly 'books' by definition, they looked more like fat magazines held together by rusted staples, bizarre plastic binders or, on occasion, shoe laces that had been used to replace whatever had originally held the pages intact. And the subject matter...
His face darkened and, reaching out, he impulsively turned the cover facedown. It didn't help, as the illustration on the back was every bit as revealing as the one on the front. And though he was far from a prude, having competed in the Rigellian Sexual Olympics for the past three years (and having taken home the gold in his most recent attempt), he couldn't quite get over... this.All in a day's work, he thought, pleased with himself despite the minor discomfort. Starfleet wanted these books and, in the end, having sex with one of the "publisher's" was the only way they'd been able to get an entire collection of the things. It was a fair enough trade, he decided, though he hadn't counted on the sheer enthusiasm the woman had displayed. When he and Spock had agreed to the trade — the whole collection of books in exchange for as much sex as she could tolerate — Kirk hadn't imagined that the short, plump brunette in her mid-30's would have been able to fuck and suck both him and Spock for seventy-two hours straight. And in reality, she probably would have gone for another seventy-two hours if he hadn't bribed the Vulcan into neck-pinching her sometime during the blow-job that had drained the last of his strength and the last of his seed.
"What are you talking about, Spock?" he asked softly. "You mean to say that these people who were writing these stories didn't know we were real? Or that we would be real...? You think it's just a bizarre coincidence that there are all these books showing you and me...?" He gave up, getting a headache again just from considering the paradoxical intricacies of time and the increasingly sexual tension that had crept uninvited into the room.
Spock frowned thoughtfully, then gestured toward the terminal on Kirk's desk. "May l?"
Kirk nodded, turning the terminal to face the Vulcan. "Of course, Mister Spock." A pause, then: "Don't tell me you've already got some of these things catalogued and on the computer?" The Vulcan shook his head. "Only certain passages," he admitted. "Since it was my intention to bring these discrepancies to your attention — in the interest of historical accuracy, of course —."
"—Of course," Kirk agreed.
"—it seemed reasonable to make an image-scan of the text and accompanying illustrations, when applicable, so as to facilitate an appropriate intellectual discussion."
Tm not sure I understand, Spock," he said. "What's the difference between the 'me' of this As I Do Thee and the 'me' of this other zine — what did you call it?"
Kirk fought the urge to puff out his chest. "Well, I can be those things, I suppose..."
"Whereas in Naked Times," the Vulcan continued, "you are often far more seductive, sexual and, in certain stories, downright crude."
Kirk's brows lifted. "Me?" he replied with as much innocence as he could stomach. Then, recalling his role, he said again, "I'm still not sure I understand, Spock. And... what about some of these other books — er, fanzines? Am I always the naive young starship captain while you're the sexually experienced Vulcan princeling — or what?"
Another frown of disapproval was Spock's response. "Hardly, Captain," the Vulcan replied. "In most fanzines, I am the innocent while you are the sexually experienced aggressor.
T'hy'la. Isn't that the Vulcan word for 'janitor'?" Kirk interrupted.Spock grimaced, then nodded. "It would seem that something was most definitely lost in the translation," he said stiffly. The precise definition of the word is 'custodian', or 'guardian'. As usual, the Earth females who perpetuated the majority of these stories apparently caught telepathic wind of the word itself without fully internalizing its meaning."
"It is actually quite simple, Captain," the Vulcan explained. "Since I have already read certain excerpts from these "fanzines', I will begin each scenario with an appropriate line of dialogue as it might have appeared in the publication we are currently discussing — in this case, I will give you a line of dialogue that could have appeared in As I Do Thee."
"And I react accordingly?" Kirk asked, getting into the spirit of things. "Kinda like role playing, is that it?"
"Precisely," the Vulcan agreed. "However, you must remember that the Captain Kirk of As I Do Thee is, above all else, nice."
The dark head bowed graciously. "Of course, Captain," Spock agreed, remaining in character with a vulnerable sigh of resignation. "As I was saying... it is imperative that you maintain your personal freedom — and therefore your sexual freedom. A Vulcan bond is exclusive, and though I find myself wanting to enter into such a sacred union with you, Jim, I cannot take away from you the very nature that makes you the man you are."
Kirk liked the sounds of it And, with just a tad more effort, he tried to get into character. Something nice, he reminded himself, giving a dramatic pause for effect before looking up into the expectant dark eyes. "Well... maybe we could try it and see how it goes, Spock," he offered with a shrug, still not sure what he was supposed to say. "And well, for that matter, if I decided I really wanted to do it with a woman, maybe you could come along and we could make it a threesome."
Spock's lips pressed together. He actually rolled his eyes. Then he shook his head.
"Not nice enough?" Kirk determined.
"Not for As I Do Thee, Captain," Spock assured. "The editor would undoubtedly have deleted your entire reference to a threesome, as she was quite adamant about such things."
Kirk sighed. Something nice, he thought. Then, not bothering to ask for a second chance, he simply took it. Fluttering his lashes, he shuffled his feet on the desk, staring at his boots. "I don't want the women anymore, Spock," he half-whispered, trying once again to get into the swing of it. 'They don't mean anything to me — not like you do."
I know what you mean, Kirk thought, feeling only slightly self-conscious standing buck naked in the middle of the floor with a hard-on that would have rivalled a marble statue. He tried to think of what a First Time version of himself might have said in response. And, giving it his best shot, he inclined his head in the other man's direction.
"Your turn, Spock," he reminded hoarsely. "I've been staring at that tight little ass of yours all day thinking about this. Now drop your drawers and—."
Spock only shook his head. "A bit crude," he pronounced.
Kirk only shrugged, then tried again. Maybe first timers weren't his thing either. "Care to give me a hint?"
Spock's lips quirked and, taking on a persona that was almost overwhelming in intensity, the Vulcan crooked one finger in Kirk's direction, 'There is, of course, still the Naked Times Kirk and Spock to consider," he reminded, his voice thickening as he stood to face the human.
Spock's lips quirked a genuine smile. "The Kirk and Spock of Naked Times always have some convenient lubricant located in the nightstand, Jim," he reminded. "In most cases, it is butter left over on a dinner tray, a can of whipped cream bought on shore leave for a special occasion, or a tube of suntan lotion conveniently stored next to the bed. The editor was quite consistent in these matters."Kirk caught himself giggling. "Er — the only thing in the nightstand is the regulations manual and a couple of stale crackers, Spock," he managed, not wanting to spoil the mood, but not particularly wanting to be dry-fucked by ten inches either. The editor may have had a point, he conceded. "If you want some — er — something slippery, the only thing I've got is hair conditioner. And that's in the shower."
Kirk groaned pleasantly at the thought of having his mind filled with the Vulcan just as his body was being filled. "Oh — please don't!" he cried out. "PIease don't fuck me like that, Spock! Please don't fuck me with that tremendous Vulcan man-meat!"
A long-suffering sigh from the Vulcan caused Kirk to crack one eyelid.
"What — did I do something wrong?" the human asked with as much innocence as he could muster while lying on his back with a cock halfway up his ass.
"Man-meat'?" Spock repeated, shaking his head. "Really, Jim."
Kirk blinked. "What's wrong with that?"
Again, Spock rolled his eyes. "Euphemisms for the male appendage were frowned upon in fanzines, Jim," he reminded. "Some editors would allow only the proper terminology — 'penis'."
Kirk grimaced, wondering what kind of double standards these crazy women adhered to. "'Penis'?" he repeated with a sneer. "Get real! In the height of passion — like right now!—" he reminded, "—I'm not exactly going to say something like 'Oh, Spock, insert your tremendous Vulcan penis into my—."
"Jim?" Spock interrupted, leaning forward to feed him another inch.
Kirk groaned appreciatively. "Yes, Spock?"
"Shut up," the Vulcan recommended.
Kirk grinned happily, resting his head on the other man's shoulder. "Whew!" he breathed. "I don't know how much of this 'research* I'm going to be able to take! How many of these fanzines did you say there are?"
"Approximately nine thousand, eight hundred and fifty seven," the Vulcan provided efficiently. Then, on second thought, he added, "However, there are considerably more if we take into account the so-called 'hurt/comfort' offerings."
Kirk frowned. "Hurt/comfort?" he yawned sleepily, his hand wrapping possessively around Spock's penis.
"Ummm," Spock commented. "If you like, we can attempt to play those roles as well."
Kirk wasn't so sure. "Er — what — exactly — would that entail, Spock?"
The Vulcan's eyes were drifting shut. "Usually an injury that is exquisitely painful, often life-threatening, and which occurs in a location far from the nearest medical help."
Kirk snorted, kneeing the other man until they could settle comfortably in the small bed. "I think I'll pass on the angst, Spock," he said, wriggling down into the covers to sleep. "The way I figure it, it should take at least another fifty years just to get through the good stuff. If we're bored by then, I might let you run me through with a spear — in the shoulder, of course."
Reactions and Reviews
Kirk and Spock are sent back in time to retrieve some slash zines from the 20th century. Being good Starfleet officers, they seduce the editor to obtain the goods, (How many women did the two of them seduce in the line of duty? Has anyone counted?) Anyway, back on the Enterprise they read the stuff to make a report. Kirk gets behind in his reading, and Spock helps him sort things out with some demonstrations,... My partner really liked this one (maybe because of the hetero sex in the early part of the story). I loved the way the author showed the "real" Kirk and Spock laughing at some of the classic K/S stereotypes and yet finding something "real' in each one. 
Naked Times 30 has several neat stories, one of which is part of a self-conscious genre, where K/S writers write about the K/S stories they are writing.... Know what I mean? This one is “Extra Oil, Light Butter, Whipped Cream on the Side...and Hold the Angst, Ma’am!” by Alexis Fegan Black. Kirk and Spock go over the zines that they were sent back in time to retrieve with predictable, humorous results. It’s nice to see this prolific author, who isn’t afraid to tackle truly serious themes in her many novels and novellas, loosen up in this light interlude.