Don't Say That!
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| Title: | Don't Say That! |
| Creator: | Barbara Wenk |
| Date(s): | May 13, 1980 |
| Medium: | |
| Fandom: | Star Wars |
| Topic: | |
| External Links: | |
| Click here for related articles on Fanlore. | |
Don't Say That! is a May 13, 1980 essay by Barbara Wenk.
Written BEFORE The Empire Strikes Back, it speculates on the theme and tropes of future Star Wars fanfiction.
The essay was printed in Warped Space #44.
The Essay
Now that THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK is almost upon us, we have more than enough information about the plot to give one a pretty good idea of the kinds of fan stories that will immediately follow. In the interests of saving the prospective reader's valuable time for such useful occupations as counting the cracks in the ceiling or speculating on the more interesting aspects of Corellian anatomy, perhaps we can persuade the prospective authors of the following types of stories to use the code numbers provided. ("Oh, great," the reader can say upon scanning the number-coded table of contents. "A 9! I must read it!" Or, possibly, "Oh, darn, not another 7!") (However, I do not want to hear about any Perfect 10s. I'm just warning you all now.)
1) "Drew Iron Tears Down Pluto's Cheek" 500 years after TESB, two people are walking in a garden. Idle speculation ensues as to the identity of the person immortalized in the ivy-covered statue. As the two people walk off, a drop of moisture — could it be a tear? — slides down Han Solo's metallic cheek.
2) "The Love Of A Good Woman" Han is thawed out a few years after TESB, only to find that — horror of horrors! — the universe has continued without him. "No, no — not Leia and Luke!" After all, didn't he tell her to wait? Only five years, and she's turned to someone else? Feeling Betrayed, and Forsaking Womankind, Han Solo goes kiting off to brood and drink away his sorrows. And then he encounters fiery, spunky (or soft, gentle) Mari Su. With her sassy (or sweet) nature and well-stacked bod, she singlehandedly (so to speak) restores Han's faith in humanity.
3) "Who Was That Masked Man?" Poor Han is still frozen. Luke can't thaw him. Leia can't thaw him. Nobody can thaw him. Then along comes a Mysterious Beautiful Stranger. Guess what? "I can thaw Han Solo — for a price." The price demanded is, of course, Han. After much squabbling, Luke and Leia agree, because they love Han and Only Want What's Best For Him. The aforesaid Mysterious Stranger thaws Han and they both vanish, leaving awed confusion behind them.
4) "Stop Arguing, Luke, And Hand Me The Ice Pick" Long, involved, detailed stories telling precisely how they do thaw Han out.
5) "But I Don't WANT To Be A Jedi!" Long, involved, detailed stories telling precisely how they train Jedi knights.
6) "Her Master's Voice" Love stories involving Yoda. (Well, there's just no accounting for taste, after all.)
7) "But Han, It's Been 12 Years Since We Thawed You Out!" Stories wherein Han is thawed, but he is either mentally and/or physically hurt, hurt, hurt, and must be comforted, comforted, comforted, for years, years, years, and pages, pages, pages ...
8) "Because I Love You, I Must Leave You" "But Mari Su Skywalker, I love you," Darth pleaded. "I know, Darth," she said sadly, her silver hair gleaming in the soft light. "But you—you've changed, Darth. You have Turned to Evil." So Darth's young bride flees into the interstellar night, either with or without telling him that she is Bearing His Child. The last line of this story is obviously, "I think I'll call him — Luke."
9) "The Triumph Of The Will" Luke and Leia finally find Han's frozen body again. Luke decides on one last, desperate chance, and uses the Force to delve into Han's consciousness. And lo! Deep within that frozen brain, there is a Spark of Life. "Come on, Han, you can do it!" And so, by sheer Force of personality, Han shatters his carbonite-alloy bonds and stands Free once more. This is also known as the "Just Tap Your Heels Together Three Times And Say, 'There's No Place Like Home'" category.
10) "It's A Living" Stories about Boba Fett — the Man Behind the Mask, and How He Became A Bad Person. 10-to-1 it will be because of a dreadful event in his past. On the other hand, could it, just possibly, be because Mr. Fett makes a million credits a year as a bounty hunter? I'm morally certain there are other categories that I have not considered, but this does seem to cover most of them. (It is, of course, fully understood that any story line can be made to sound like an utter and complete turkey, and that any story line can be made into excellent and enthralling story. However, some story lines are more equal than others ... )