NOT The MediaWest*Con Program Guides
|Title:||NOT The MediaWest*Con Program Booklet|
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The guides consisted of two legal-sized pages folded over to make an eight-page booklet or pamphlet. It was a parody of the MediaWest*Con convention booklet and would appear on the freebie table at each convention over the course of nine or ten years. No one ever claimed credit for it, though it was rumored that the issue was created when a group of fans got together at the convention itself to brainstorm topical jokes, type it up, then print it at a local Kinko's. The titles varied from year-to-year (see below.)
The content was mostly meta, mocking fannish conceits, behavior, and traditions.
It seems evident that the same fans were responsible for all the guides because in ten years, they never spelled the word "calendar" correctly. Not once.
For a clue to the identity of the perpetrators, go here.
NOT The MediaWest*Con 8 Program Booklet (1988)
- the inside front cover: Fannish Dictionary of made-up terms; for example, "Bidruptcy: A person who will bid on anything, to the detriment of their financial situation."
- a PSA against Printer Abuse.
- a 2-page spread: "The 1988 Old Fan's Almanac & Appointment Calender" (sic): e.g.; "5:00PM PANEL--"The Professionals...Non-Slash!" (Yeah... right.)" And "Start planning art auction strategy. Remember that psychological corecion [sic] is just as effective as physical violence, and lots more fun!" Also many notations to "Meet at Denny's".
- What's Your Sign? with fannish horoscopes, for instance: "Libra--Fan Q's are yet another decision to cause you agony--who to vote for? Keep in mind who would be most likely to kill you if they lost. Take it from there."
- an ad for "Y-Read-It Zine Service": Busy Schedule? Just don't have time to read all thosa zines you bought at the LAST convention? Do what the professionals do — HIRE someone to read the zines FOR you! The Y-READ-IT line service provides fast, efficient, and competent readers, each with a college degree in Literature and guaranteed not to miss a single word. Your reader will carefully study the zine of your choice and provide you with a general synopsis of the contents, a critique, and an easy to follow chart of suggested highlights — all for a low per zine rate! For an additional fee, the service will also prepare an LOC tailored to your personal and distinct likes and dislikes. Don't miss out on what's in print. Keep up with epics of unbelievable proportions and massive page counts. With no muss, no fuss, you too can keep current with your favorite lines despite your busy schedule. Become a member today! Why read, when someone else can do it for you?
- a PSA for "Right to Cancellation" regarding shows that should be put out of their (and our) misery before they go on too long: It's a tough question—who should decide when a show lives...or dies? When the natural end comes, is it right to prolong a series for another season simply for the visceral satisfaction of a few? To everything there is a season and, because of fan response, many a show continues to overstay its natural span of tube time. Is it not better to let a show ride cheerfully off into tha sunset, rather than let it continue with bumbling, repetitious plots and idiotic casting? Consider tha case of the Venus de Milo—we are blessed with the fact that tha statue doesn't have arms, for if it did, they would probably be doing something unconscionably awkward. Wouldn't you prefer to see a program end with simple grace and beauty, than be encumbered by the useless appendage of yet another season? The RIGHT TO CANCELLATION believes that postponing the death of a television series after a natural lifespan is a sin against God and man, not to mention the viewing audience. Yes, we have the technology to give a show an extra season or two of life, but at what cost? Ask Pierce Brosnan. Or Alan Alda. Cancellation is a natural condition, the weeding out of the daad chaff to make way for naw programming. Mother Nature cannot be contested without stunting tha growth of the new and original for tha sake of the worn and mutated. Support a program's right to cancellation. It's a natural, healthy condition. As opposed to the latest season of Simon & Simon.
- a proposal for a "Letter Campaign to STOP Letter Campaigns": They just don't work anymore. let's face it, most people do the wrong thing anyway, like putting the show's name on the envelope or sending petitions. When the campaigns do work, the shows get cocky and the producers use them to manipulate US! THIS MUST STOP! If you care about a show, REALLY care whether it lives or dies, then DO something about it. Something drastic. Skywrite tha name of the program over the Natwork Programmer's office. Burn crosses an his lawn. Discover a planet and name it after the show. Hijack a plane to the lot where the show does most of its shooting. Thera are dozens of ways YOU can make tha network stand up and take notice. Prison is a small price to pay for the cause that you've dedicated your life to. Why push the burden off on someone else? Stop letter campaigns. And take charge of the future of television.
- the backcover is an ad for the "Hurt/Comforter", a blanket: Need a little comfort while reading your zines? Try snuggling up with the Hurt/Comforter. Cunningly embroidered with a repeated pattern of weeping Spocks and bleeding A.J.s. "Please Don't Die". Forms an elegant border. Fully machine washable, the comforter is tear-stain proof (with WeepGuard), and even the worst bloodstains rinse out easily! Available for $29.95 plus postage and handling."
NOT The MediaWest-Con #9 Program Book (1989)
- Inside front cover: The Official Art Auction Threat Dictionary; for example: "When the auctioneer says "A fine picture for somebody's boudoir--", He/she means "If this opens in the Post Office on the way home, you're going to jail for violating postal pornography laws."
- a PSA for a fannish anti-cliché organization
- The Ultimate LOC Mad-Lib
- a 2-page spread: "The 1989 Old Fan's Almanac & Appointment Calender" (sic): e.g.; "5:00PM-The airline lost one of your suitcases. Luckily, it was the one with your clothes in it and not the zines!"
- an ad for "IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN...", a zine listing service for zines that have been advertised for years but never quite seem to get published: Have a great idea for a fanzine but know you'll never get your act together and DO something about it? How about that twelve volume epic about the Clone Wars you planned out seven years ago? Why waste ail this brilliance? Advertise in: IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN.... the zine listing for all those projects that never quite made it off the ground. Interested in the zines you see fisted as STILL due out for MediaWest '85? An advertised portfolio of artwork showing Clint Eastwood in every role he's ever done? Or the zine story to end all zine stones — a Brady Bunch/Partridge Family crossover? You'll find it here, the zine listing: for zines that never were, stories that never made it out of the pipe dream stage, and artwork that never saw the; pen touch the paper. Subscriptions will be $10.00 for 4 issues/year, although only two issues a year will ever be printed. Due MediaWest '88, at a procrastinating dealer near you.
- "Your MediaWest HORRORSCOPE" - some samples: "LIBRA: You're the sign most likely to a) own a truly irritating apocryphal that you'll insist on introducing to everyone you meet ("Oh no, she won't hurt you — wolverines just like to sniff down the front of people's shirts.") and b) lock the keys in your rental car on Saturday night? Fave fandom: K/S, and you love to talk about it." "CAPRICORN: This is the weekend to build a power base for your (current) secret goal — convention organizer? mega-zine editor? hot artist? or just all-around BNF? Weirdly enough, you also like any TV show starring Robert Conrad — but that's about all that you and Sagittarius will ever have in common." "PISCES: It's been said that "Pisces Personality" is an oxymoron, but nonetheless you'll find a niche tor yourself this weekend, going on Diet Coke and McDonald's runs for busier fen. If you must watch the Simon & Simon music videos, please sit quietly in the back and for heaven's sake bring your own tissues."
- backcover: an ad for the Hurt/Comfort Inn: Looking for a convention alternative...? THE HURT/COMFORT INN. Rooms at reasonable rates and in your choice of color schemes: Bruised Black & Blue or Critical Crimson & White. -- Each room provided with amenities for your reading pleasure, including * a medical dictionary * a guide to anatomy * a first-aid kit * and unlimited boxes of soft, extra-absorbent tissues! For those intense moments, a twenty-four hour trauma care and jacuzzi center is available. THE HURT/COMFORT INN -- where we care about your interest in agony. Call now for reservations: 1-8---R-U-N-PAIN. Remember -- no pain, no gain! (Look for us at the sign of the fallen arches.)
NOT The MediaWest*Con X Con Booklet (1990)
- inside front cover: "The Who-Gives-A-Flying-F Handbook for
FoolsFolks Who Think They Want To Get Involved With Fanzines (A supplement to the Not the MediaWest*Con Program Book)":Do I need a license for this or anything? No, that's the beauty of it! You can set yourself up as a bigtime fanzine editor with no qualifications other than your own imagination and rapacious greed. Can I take deposits in advance of publication? We like the way your mind works. Absolutely! The bigger, and the further in advance, the better. It gives you working capital to play with and lets you know that your customers are really, really serious about wanting to buy your zine. We recommend taking $10-$20 deposits a minimum of two to three years in advance of final publication. That way you can keep all the checks on file and cash them randomly as you need money. What if someone who sent me a deposit decides they don't want the zine after all, or sends me a whiney note saying they can't afford the final price? Do I have to give them their money back? Don't be silly. Once I get the money taken care of, how do I go about editing stories? Any way you want to! Keep in mind that most fan writers are both timid and tractable, and perfectly willing to sacrifice artistic integrity if it means getting even a grossly distorted version of their work in print. Our many years of experience have show us that by far the most convenient way to edit a story is to rewrite it yourself as you type in the final master copy. The great thing about this is that, even if the writer objects, it's too late—by the time the writer receives a copy of the final draft (if you happen to feel like sending them one), the zine is already at the printer and can't be changed. Ain't life grand? What about editing poetry? Don't go to such an effort. Nobody reads that crap anyway. As a matter of fact, close examination of the 'poetry' contained in one well-known editor's zine reveals that for years she has simply photocopied columns from the Manhattan phone directory and pasted them up with a nice border in order to fill the blank spaces at the end of stories. It's saved her the bother of editing, the expense of sending out contributors' copies to real poets, and the tedium of ever having to learn anything about poetry. Can I edit artwork? Well, sure! Feel free to crop, shrink, rearrange, or even redraw submitted artwork to your taste—after all, you're the editor, and that means that you know best. You're doing the artist a favor by making her artwork more presentable. Besides, she still has the original, so why should she care how it looks in print? How do I do layout? The secret to professional layout is simple: buy a waxer. It means that you're really, really, professional (an amateur would never have her own waxer, right?), and is a good argument (sort of like a .45 magnum) against anybody who thinks they have a right to inundate you with so-called 'constructive' criticism. This doesn't mean that you have to spend any time and effort learning how to use it — just having it should be enough. How do I choose a printer? Anyplace will do. Try the place closest to your house, or the library photocopier. This applies for making bootleg copies of other people's zines as well.
- ad for a zine called "All in the Family", a zine for artists whose work keeps getting rejected by zine editors: Can't get a story or piece of artwork accepted by a zine editor to save your life? Tired of rejection after rejection? Well, here's one zine that won't reject you, because it's ALL IN THE FAMILY'. We don't care what the story is about or whether or not that portrait you drew looks anything like the actor — if your family likes it, it's in! Get a note from any member of your family; mom, dad, cousin Harry, your older brother, baby sister, or great aunt Lucy (twice removed). We don't care whether the note is crayon on a coloring book page or on old-age home stationary, just send in your submission with a note from any member of your family saying they think your stuff is the best thing since sliced bread and they can't understand why you're not number one on the Bestseller list or the creator of the most expensive piece of artwork ever actioned at Sotheby's. Send your submission, with a note from a family member, to ALL IN THE FAMILY. Nepotism Press, 101 Borgia Road, Windsor, IL 80000. Your family always told you that you had talent. Now they can tell everyone else, too! (Offer void in Indiana or in states where first cousins are not permitted to marry).
- 2-page spread: "1990 Old Fan's Almanac and Appointment Calender" (sic): e.g.: "Quantum Leap: "Name three old movies they haven't ripped off for an episode" contest." -- "Simon and Simon — doused in holy water, decapitated, and a stake driven through its heart — is it finally dead?" -- "Demo: Self defense for Blake's 7 followers—avoiding slung mud and other substances ricocheting off fans." -- "Demo/Debate: Crossing Saginaw high way—is it worth risking your life for Denny's? (Demonstrations to be held in parking lot by professional New York jaywalkers.)" -- "Art Auction Bidding Technique Workshop—from hand-to-hand through personal nuclear devices." -- "The Professionals: Please-Don't-Make-Me-Watch-"Weekend-In-The-Country"-One-More-Time tape barbeque (copies of the episode will be used as fuel.)"
- a PSA from the "Fewer Fanzines For the Rain Forest Foundation": Did you celebrate Earth Day this year? Do you want to see clean water, cleaner air, and more trees? Then, why, in God's name, are you buying fanzines?!? Where do you think the paper comes from? Do you think it was strip-mined or came from the paper fairy? No! Hundreds and hundreds of trees have given their lives so that you can read your tawdry little tales about who did what to whom, how often, and in what positions. A tree sacrificed its very life for your cheap, sensational thrills. Now, aren't you ashamed of yourself? And what are you going to do about it? Buy fewer zines? (You know you don't read half the ones you buy now.) Write shorter stories? (Fewer pages means less paper, which means fewer dead trees.) Only read zines that don't have foldouts? (Foldouts mean bigger papers, which means the death of bigger trees.) Be environmentally conscious. Kill zines, not trees.
- two ads; one a PSA for "Dr. Decker's patented Reverse Psychology Method": Is your show in the top ten and in no danger of cancellation? Want to keep it that way? Use Dr. Decker's patented Reverse Psychology Method. You know that Network programming bigwigs are all scheming, conniving bastards. Well, this is your chance to enter the game and influence the men who make the decision on what millions of people wilt and will not watch. "How?" You ask. Simple! Using the patented Reverse Psychology Method, write to those Network bigwigs and demand they take your favorite show off-the-air immediately. Be neat, of course, write in crayon, state that you belong to a demographic group known to have almost no buying power (such as middle-aged spinning wheel repairmen) and tell them the reason you want the show off the air is because it isn't good for you or anyone else. What Network programming executive wouldn't be thrilled to find out one of their shows tuned out the people sponsored wouldn't want watching their program anyway. And everyone knows Americans spend the majority of their free time doing things that aren't good for them! This is a letter campaign that actually works! Why try to save a show after it's hit the skids? Put your effort behind a show that is in no danger of hiatus and demand it be cancelled today!
- an ad for "Diet SLASH": WE KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE AND REALITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. DIET SLASH. LOOK FOR IT IN THE SALAMI SECTION. TRY THE MEDIAWESTCON/DIET SLASH DIET! (Thursday) 5 a.m.-1 a.m.: 1 Diet Slash for for each person in car. 1 a.m. ice cream sundae at Dennys, 1 Diet Slash. 3 a.m.: Diet Slash. (Friday) 7 a.m. - 4 p.m. registration/dealers' room dehydration therapy. 4 p.m. - 2 a.m. 1 Diet Slash/2 hrs. 2 a.m. 1 banana split at Dennys. 1 Diet Slash. (Saturday/Sunday:) 1 Diet Slash/hr. (except panels — 2 Diet Stash/hr.) until Sunday art auction: 1 case Diet Slash. 1 box Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies you've been saving in the freezer since February. (Monday:) Repeat Friday, only backwards. Tuesday: Check In at your local hospital — ask for the kidney specialist. HAPPY DIETING! 95% Hetero Female Fantasy--It Satisfies.
- "Your 1990 MediaWest*Con Horrorscope": [some excerpts]: TAURUS: "You're here to add to your hundreds of Trek Classic zines, with maybe a little Starsky and Hutch thrown in if you're feeling really spontaneous. You commit a small faux pas at a Saturday night party when someone mentions the seventh Doctor Who and you say, "Oh, has there been more than one?" Your reaction to Twin Peaks: You have it on for noise while you're wailing for Knots Landing." -- CANCER: "You get hysterical in a restaurant when someone reads you the item in Starlog about the plans already underfoot to celebrate Star Wars' 20th anniversary — then someone mentions that Star Trek will soon turn 30 and you decide to walk back to the hotel. Your reaction to Twin Peaks: "I don't get it. Is this a joke? I mean, is this supposed to be funny, or what? I don't think it's very funny." -- AQUARIUS: "You've written a 50-page treatise on religion in Alien Nation, and have offered to give Tarot readings specially tailored to Robin of Sherwood fans in your room on Sunday afternoon. Reaction to Twin Peaks: It's okay. You'd like it better if it were a little stranger."
- backcover: an ad for "Hurtz/Comfort Rent-A-Car" Our reasonably-priced, varied selection includes everything from the sporty (for those high speed car chases through parking garages), to the conservative (just right for late-night stakeouts), and even the destructible (are you in need of spectacular flips, crashes, or rollovers?). Most models provide the following amenities: * Unlimited mileage (including trips to and from the hospital) * Emergency First Aid kit * Removable seats (for those special, intimate jobs) * Adequate room for legs—or just about any other appendage * Maps of local areas of interest, including hidden caves, deserted meat packing plants, isolated mountain cabins, and cliffs (great for those melodramatic endings!) * Blood and tear resistant upholstery. Whether you're coming or going, Hurtz/Comfort will get you there in more or less one piece.
NOT the mediawest program book (1991)
- (don't bother: the silence of the fans) (Silence of the Lambs parody)
- Inside front cover: What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate--An Introduction To Fansspeak: a glossary of fannish expressions and what they mean: i.e., CLASSIC--Anything over five years old, no matter of what quality, e.g., "classic Star Trek Zine."
- Page 3: TV Challenge. The correct synonym for each clue should result in a name of a television show. For example: High TV Q Journey = (High TV Q=Star) (Journey=Trek) = Star Trek.
- Middle 2-page spread: 1991 Old Fan's Almanac and Appointment Calender (sic): e.g.; 2:00PM-THREAT 101--How to terrorize a network into p<i>uncanceling your favorite series.</i> Also, an ad for Operation Desert Storm: The Fanzine.
- Page 6: a list of series that the networks are revamping from old ones; e.g.; Darker Shadows: After cornering the world supply of dry ice and wind machines, Barnabas kills off the rest of the cast in a blood-soaked frenzy and then increases his salary demands; also, Blake's Seven-Eleven, Snow White and Red Dwarf, Quantum Leapyears, etc.
- Page 7: Top Ten Lansing Holiday Inn Staff Pet Peeves (7. Grown women in Ghostbuster outfits) and Top Ten TV White Boys With Sticks or Bugs Up Their Butts.
- Backcover: ALL OUR__________(Plural Noun), a fannish Mad-Libs.
NOT The MediaWest*Con Program Guide 1992
- M'West Again (Beauty and the Beast Vincent/Catherine parody cover)
- Inside front cover: The Twelve Hour Art Auction Guide Supply List (includes binoculars, chocolate, and thugee.)
- Page 3: full page ad for Pickard/Riker in '92, paid for by the StarFleet Are A Bunch Of Dweebs Foundation.
- Middle 2-page spread: 1992 Old Fan's Almanac and Appointment Calender (sic): e.g.; 9:00AM-OLD REBELS NEVER DIE-Star Wars is 15 years old today. Psychiatric help will be provided for people who want to get on with their lives. Also, a filk for The Twelve Months of MediaWest*Con.
- Page 6: The Twelve Signs of the Fannish Horoscope, including The Editor, The Publisher, The Filker, The Trekkie, The Actor-Obsessive, The Costumer, etc.
- Page 7: Last Minute Additions To Video Programming and Top Ten Fannish Excuses.
- Backcover: Fannish Resolutions, including "I will stop referring to the creature that killed Tasha Yar as the "Tar Baby" and "I will not cry, "Oh, dear God!" when slash pictures com up at the art auction.
MediaWest*Con the 13th Not The Program Guide (1993)
- (Disney's Beauty and the Beast parody cover)
- Inside front cover & Page 3: The Poems of Walter Koenig.
- Middle 2-page spread: 1993 Old Fan's Almanac and Appointment Calender (sic): e.g.; 8:00AM--MEN IN FANDOM--Both of them here to answer your questions. Also, PSA for Fanzines Anonymous (Remember, friends don't let friends buy fanzines.)
- Page 6 & 7: Fandom Land (The Game of "Get-A-Life"), comes with extra inserted page of playing tokens and a cut-and-tape die.
- Backcover: Adorable chibi of Odo and a maze, with the legend Help Mr. Odo find his way to his pail before it's... TOO LATE. (picture of a bucket on the bottom.)
NOT The Mediawest Program Guide 1994
- (TIME Thespian of the Year: Braghney)
- Inside front cover: Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel...., descriptions of crossover fandom episodes of shows, e.g., The X-Men Files, Hercules DSV, Kung Five, Deep Space and Clark, etc.
- Page 3: an ad for MAALOX MOMENTS, a new zine dedicated to the "intestinal fortitude in all of us."
- Middle 2-page spread: 1994 Old Fan's Almanac and Appointment Calender (sic): e.g.; 4:00PM-INCREDIBLY STUPID HEROES AND WHY WE LOVE THEM-Panel for the fans of Highlander, Forever Knight, Renegade, and too many others to list. Also a PSA for The Volunteer Campaign for the Support of Actors' Equity ("Have you started recognizing the same actors, again and again, show after show?")
- Page 6 & 7: Ad for "The Few, The Proud, The ANGST Police."
- Backcover: X-Files Word Search (redacted and classified)
NOT the MediaWest Program Guide 1996 ("IT'S NOT THE MEDIAWEST PROGRAM GUIDE 1996!") was credited to Susan M. Garrett and Ann Larimer: "Any resemblance to actual persons or situations, except for satirical purposes, is purely in your head, and you should probably see someone about it. Penguin Press."
- Hello and welcome to this special supplement to issue #300 of Project X. I won't say we never thought we'd make it this far - to be honest, we never gave it a thought - but to say we're mighty pleased would be a colossal understatement. Project X is the flagship title of Penguin Comics, and we've always striven to make it the best - and strangest - super-hero comic it could be, but this issue takes strange to a whole new level. "Is it just me," asks Mr. X at one point, "Or is this one of the stupidest battles we've ever been in?" Well, yes, actually. But as you'll see, even stupid events can have serious consequences. The two surviving members of FX not only have to deal with a giant toddler, a flying dog - sorry, wolf - and the ever-changing, always-irritating time traveller the Orb (this time a woman, but on their side for once), but an enormous amount of paperwork and a federal government determined to keep them under control - or permanently under arrest. Will they toe the line, turn outlaw — or head... Due North? We won't even mention poor Dr. Scull's dog. Anyway, as a special treat, we're including this insert with a brief overview of Penguin Comics, including Project X, Captain Canada, Mindreaper, Night Forever, the forthcoming mini-series Captain Canada's Pal The Ray, loads of art old and new, and a sneak peak at what's coming up for the denizens of the Penguiverse. Don't be afraid, but... watch your back. And for God's sake stay out of Montreal until the whole Elastique thing blows over.... Meanwhile, always keep in mind the Penguin Comics battle cry: "Give Me Penguin Comics or no Comics at all!"
- So What's Next? Well, if you've read this issue, you already know that major changes are in store for the folks in day-glo green at Project X, with the addition of their new government "minder" Dale Cooper. Meanwhile, Sonny Terranova is in the middle of a nasty gang war over-cursed antiques?!?, DJ Jazzy Nic is involved in Quebecois politics — to the regret of secessionists and non-secessionists alike - and, as for reluctant hero Captain Canada, his sidekick White Wolf, and their friends, here's a sneak preview.... The Ray, as readers of Captain Canada know, is a Chicago cop with no super-powers at all, but a typo in the Chicago Tribune and a misunderstood telephone conversation have every super-villain-wanabee within a 500-mile radius out to prove their worth by claiming Detective Ray Vecchio's stubbly head. This new limited series acts as a bridge between issues 100 and 101 of Captain Canada, a 4-month hiatus. Changes are in store for the entire cast - but we're not telling you any of them. Because we're not sure what they are yet. (Cover Rough: Remal Nim.)
- Benton Fraser, a/k/a Captain Canada, the man who Cannot Tell a Lie, finally "comes out" as a superhero to his friend and ally Ray Vecchio at the end of Captain Canada #200, Ray, of course, has known the exiled Mountie's secret identity from the beginning, or at least since page 16 of issue #2, and his reaction is not at all what Fraser expects...
- Penguin's first "Mature Readers" title, Mindreaper, proved a great success with older fans and non-comics-readers alike. It details the adventures of Sonny Terranova, undercover FBI agent, gifted—or cursed—with strong telepathic abilities. Sonny's understanding of his opponents (including corrupt but brilliant attorney Teddy Cross, and drug-dealing business mogul Jim "Box Boy" Profit) makes learning their dark secrets easy -- the difficult part is proving them. And there's always the chance that Sonny's empathic talents will bring him closer to his targets than he should be. The villains have proven as popular-perhaps moreso -- as the hero in this dark, heavily stylized series. (Art: Lesley Marill.)
- Night Forever is the story of Nicolas Delacroix, nighttime DJ ("DJ Jazzy Nic" to his listeners), vampire, and-more often than he likes-crime fighter. Nic's been around for eight-odd-some very odd-centuries, but some unfortunate chemical adventures in the 1960s have left him rather bewil dered and prone to sudden flashbacks. "The main question of the book," says writer Shaun M. Egret, "is how can somebody so stupid stay alive for so long?" It's also one of the few-perhaps only-comics ever to be set in Quebec. (Pencils: Larrey Annison. Inks: Jennie Finabair.)
- ["1996 OLD FAN'S ALMANAC AND APPOINTMENT CALENDER", some excerpts]: "STAR TREK: THE FAN FILM— This panel is making the next ST-TNG film. Really. There will be no actual professional involvement in this film. It will be ST entirely by fans. Does this scare you? It should." -- "MISERY LOVES COMPANY, IN CYBERSPACE—How to stalk your favorite actor or celebrity on-line. Includes important information on just how to cross that fine line between masb note and death threat." -- "BALI HLATUS-A wake for our favorite series that aren't coming back next year. Alcohol, a phone, and the home numbers of specific television executives and producers will be provided." -- "FANDOM GOES GRAY: A life style aid for those of us for whom fandom truly has been a way of life for far too long. Helpful hints include using support hose to store con badges and button collections, tormenting new fans of old series with ancient con stories about dead actors, and psychological counseling for those whose newest favorite actors are young enough to be their grandchildren. Complimentary geritol will be provided." -- "NBC, CBS, & ABC have released their Fall schedules and you count no less than twelve X-Files clones or wanna-he's. Who ever would have guessed there were that many dorky-looking semi-leading males with poor fashion sense In the business, huh?"
NOT the MediaWest Program Guide 1997
- Inside front cover & page 3: TAKE THE CONMO QUIZ! (parody of Cosmo multiple-choice quizzes) E.g., Fanzines are dying off because of: A) The internet, B) The stagnant, malodorous pond that is current fanzine writing. Can we PLEASE catch the next bus out of 1979?, C) Well, there's too much porn, isn't there?, and D) I'm sorry, I can't see to read your questionnaire over this big ol' whup-ass pile of zines I'm carrying. Perhaps you could read the questions to me?
- Middle 2-page spread: 1997 Old Fan's Almanac and Appointment Calender (sic): e.g.; 8:00AM-ANNOUNCEMENT-Would the person who took the Mountie home please return him? His series has been renewed and they sort of need him back. Now. You can keep the buttons. Also, Top 10 Reasons Why You Are NOT A True Fan, e.g., 5. You don't blindly accept, without criticism, everything the creators give you or regard it as the blessing it is.
- Page 6: TV DOGGEREL: limericks about our favorite shows.
- Page 7: A Short Poem in Celebration of Morning at a Con Not the Least Bit Like MediaWest and "How to Annoy the Living Crap out of Readers of your Internet Newsgroup, Mailing List, or BBS, e.g., "Send a post with 'No Subject' in the subject line that says, "You... have... got... to be kidding me!"
- Backcover: Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned at a Convention that was Nothing at All Like MediaWest, Honestly. E.g., Just because someone is wearing a t-shirt you like, don't assume they're your new best friend.
Reactions and Reviews
Not the MediaWest*Con Program Guide. Yes, I know these are free and only six to eight pages long. They're still the cleverest little boogers fandom's got going, with more thought and imagination and evil little digs crammed inside than most 200-plus-page monsters. Hey, Harlan Ellison is only five foot five, Dorothy Parker was five foot two. Me, I'm fiveone. And a quarter. I always looked forward to picking up this publication at each year's con. They may have been distributed at the flyer tables in the early years of their existence, however in the later years you had to actually pick them up at [their] table in the dealers room -- and you were lucky to get one, as they had a very short print run! 
- a PSA for "Right to Cancellation" regarding shows that should be put out of their (and our) misery before they go on too long: