NOT The MediaWest*Con Program Guides
|Title:||NOT The MediaWest*Con Program Booklet|
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The guides consisted of two legal-sized pages folded over to make an eight-page booklet or pamphlet. It was a parody of the MediaWest*Con convention booklet and would appear on the freebie table at each convention over the course of nine or ten years. No one ever claimed credit for it, though it was rumored that the issue was created when a group of fans got together at the convention itself to brainstorm topical jokes, type it up, then print it at a local Kinko's. The titles varied from year-to-year (see below.)
The content was mostly meta, mocking fannish conceits, behavior, and traditions.
It seems evident that the same fans were responsible for all the guides because in ten years, they never spelled the word "calendar" correctly. Not once.
For a clue to the identity of the perpetrators, go here.
NOT The MediaWest*Con 8 Program Booklet (1988)
- Inside front cover: Fannish Dictionary of made-up terms; for example, "Bidruptcy: A person who will bid on anything, to the detriment of their financial situation.
- Page 3: two ads; one for the Y-Read-It Zine Service (hire someone to read your zines for you) and the second a PSA against Printer Abuse.
- Middle 2-page spread: The 1988 Old Fan's Almanac & Appointment Calender (sic): e.g.; 5:00PM PANEL--"The Professionals...Non-Slash!" (Yeah... right.) Also many notations to "Meet at Denny's".
- Page 6: What's Your Sign? with fannish horoscopes, for instance: Libra--Fan Q's are yet another decision to cause you agony--who to vote for? Keep in mind who would be most likely to kill you if they lost. Take it from there.
- Page 7: two ads; one a PSA for Right To Cancellation regarding shows that should be put out of their (and our) misery before they go on too long, the second for a letter campaign to STOP letter campaigns.
- Backcover: an ad for the Hurt/Comforter, a comforter to snuggle up in while reading your zines, with an embroidered pattern of weeping Spocks and an elegant repeating border of "Please Don't Die". Available for $29.95!
NOT The MediaWest-Con #9 Program Book (1989)
- Inside front cover: The Official Art Auction Threat Dictionary; for example, When the auctioneer says "A fine picture for somebody's boudoir--", He/she means "If this opens in the Post Office on the way home, you're going to jail for violating postal pornography laws."
- Page 2: two ads; one a PSA for a fannish anti-cliché organization, the second an ad for IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN, a zine listing service for zines that have been advertised for years but never quite seem to get published, "stories that never made it out of the pipe dream stage, and artwork that never saw the pen touch paper."
- Middle 2-page spread: The 1989 Old Fan's Almanac & Appointment Calender (sic): e.g.; 5:00PM-The airline lost one of your suitcases. Luckily, it was the one with your clothes in it and not the zines!
- Page 6: Your MediaWest HORRORSCOPE (sic).
- Page 7: The Ultimate LOC Mad-Lib.
- Backcover: an ad for the Hurt/Comfort Inn.
NOT The MediaWest*Con X Con Booklet (1990)
- Inside front cover: The Who-Gives-A-Flying-F Handbook for
FoolsFolks Who Think They Want To Get Involved With Fanzines with questions and answers about rules for publishing fanzines: e.g.; What if someone who sent me a deposit decides they don't want the zine after all, or sends me a whiney note saying they can't afford the final price? Dot I have to give them their money back? Answer: Don't be silly.
- Page 3: Ad for a zine called "All in the Family", a zine for artists whose work keeps getting rejected by zine editors. It's put out by "Nepotism Press", because "if your family likes it, it's in!
- Middle 2-page spread: 1990 Old Fan's Almanac and Appointment Calender (sic): e.g.; 5:00PM-The Professionals Please-Don't-Make-Me-Watch-"Weekend-In-The-Country"-One-More-Time tape barbeque (copies of the episode will be used as fuel.) Also, a PSA from the Fewer Fanzines For the Rain Forest Foundation.
- Page 6: two ads; one a PSA for Dr. Decker's patented Reverse Psychology Method (a means to keep your show from being canceled), the second an ad for Diet SLASH (95% Hetero Female Fantasy--It Satisfies").
- Page 7: Your 1990 MediaWest*Con Horrorscope (sic).
- Backcover: an ad for Hurtz/Comfort Rent-A-Car.
not the mediawest program book (1991) (don't bother: the silence of the fans)(Silence of the Lambs parody)
- Inside front cover: What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate--An Introduction To Fansspeak: a glossary of fannish expressions and what they mean: i.e., CLASSIC--Anything over five years old, no matter of what quality, e.g., "classic Star Trek Zine."
- Page 3: TV Challenge. The correct synonym for each clue should result in a name of a television show. For example: High TV Q Journey = (High TV Q=Star) (Journey=Trek) = Star Trek.
- Middle 2-page spread: 1991 Old Fan's Almanac and Appointment Calender (sic): e.g.; 2:00PM-THREAT 101--How to terrorize a network into p<i>uncanceling your favorite series.</i> Also, an ad for Operation Desert Storm: The Fanzine.
- Page 6: a list of series that the networks are revamping from old ones; e.g.; Darker Shadows: After cornering the world supply of dry ice and wind machines, Barnabas kills off the rest of the cast in a blood-soaked frenzy and then increases his salary demands; also, Blake's Seven-Eleven, Snow White and Red Dwarf, Quantum Leapyears, etc.
- Page 7: Top Ten Lansing Holiday Inn Staff Pet Peeves (7. Grown women in Ghostbuster outfits) and Top Ten TV White Boys With Sticks or Bugs Up Their Butts.
- Backcover: ALL OUR__________(Plural Noun), a fannish Mad-Libs.
Not The MediaWest*Con Program Guide 1992 M'West Again (Beauty and the Beast Vincent/Catherine parody cover)
- Inside front cover: The Twelve Hour Art Auction Guide Supply List (includes binoculars, chocolate, and thugee.)
- Page 3: full page ad for Pickard/Riker in '92, paid for by the StarFleet Are A Bunch Of Dweebs Foundation.
- Middle 2-page spread: 1992 Old Fan's Almanac and Appointment Calender (sic): e.g.; 9:00AM-OLD REBELS NEVER DIE-Star Wars is 15 years old today. Psychiatric help will be provided for people who want to get on with their lives. Also, a filk for The Twelve Months of MediaWest*Con.
- Page 6: The Twelve Signs of the Fannish Horoscope, including The Editor, The Publisher, The Filker, The Trekkie, The Actor-Obsessive, The Costumer, etc.
- Page 7: Last Minute Additions To Video Programming and Top Ten Fannish Excuses.
- Backcover: Fannish Resolutions, including "I will stop referring to the creature that killed Tasha Yar as the "Tar Baby" and "I will not cry, "Oh, dear God!" when slash pictures com up at the art auction.
MediaWest*Con the 13th Not The Program Guide (1993) (Disney's Beauty and the Beast parody cover)
- Inside front cover & Page 3: The Poems of Walter Koenig.
- Middle 2-page spread: 1993 Old Fan's Almanac and Appointment Calender (sic): e.g.; 8:00AM--MEN IN FANDOM--Both of them here to answer your questions. Also, PSA for Fanzines Anonymous (Remember, friends don't let friends buy fanzines.)
- Page 6 & 7: Fandom Land (The Game of "Get-A-Life"), comes with extra inserted page of playing tokens and a cut-and-tape die.
- Backcover: Adorable chibi of Odo and a maze, with the legend Help Mr. Odo find his way to his pail before it's... TOO LATE. (picture of a bucket on the bottom.)
Not The Mediawest Program Guide 1994 (TIME Thespian of the Year: Braghney)
- Inside front cover: Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel...., descriptions of crossover fandom episodes of shows, e.g., The X-Men Files, Hercules DSV, Kung Five, Deep Space and Clark, etc.
- Page 3: an ad for MAALOX MOMENTS, a new zine dedicated to the "intestinal fortitude in all of us."
- Middle 2-page spread: 1994 Old Fan's Almanac and Appointment Calender (sic): e.g.; 4:00PM-INCREDIBLY STUPID HEROES AND WHY WE LOVE THEM-Panel for the fans of Highlander, Forever Knight, Renegade, and too many others to list. Also a PSA for The Volunteer Campaign for the Support of Actors' Equity ("Have you started recognizing the same actors, again and again, show after show?")
- Page 6 & 7: Ad for "The Few, The Proud, The ANGST Police."
- Backcover: X-Files Word Search (redacted and classified)
1995 and 1996
Not The MediaWest Program Guide 1995 & 1996 are missing.
NOT the MediaWest Program Guide 1997
- Inside front cover & page 3: TAKE THE CONMO QUIZ! (parody of Cosmo multiple-choice quizzes) E.g., Fanzines are dying off because of: A) The internet, B) The stagnant, malodorous pond that is current fanzine writing. Can we PLEASE catch the next bus out of 1979?, C) Well, there's too much porn, isn't there?, and D) I'm sorry, I can't see to read your questionnaire over this big ol' whup-ass pile of zines I'm carrying. Perhaps you could read the questions to me?
- Middle 2-page spread: 1997 Old Fan's Almanac and Appointment Calender (sic): e.g.; 8:00AM-ANNOUNCEMENT-Would the person who took the Mountie home please return him? His series has been renewed and they sort of need him back. Now. You can keep the buttons. Also, Top 10 Reasons Why You Are NOT A True Fan, e.g., 5. You don't blindly accept, without criticism, everything the creators give you or regard it as the blessing it is.
- Page 6: TV DOGGEREL: limericks about our favorite shows.
- Page 7: A Short Poem in Celebration of Morning at a Con Not the Least Bit Like MediaWest and "How to Annoy the Living Crap out of Readers of your Internet Newsgroup, Mailing List, or BBS, e.g., "Send a post with 'No Subject' in the subject line that says, "You... have... got... to be kidding me!"
- Backcover: Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned at a Convention that was Nothing at All Like MediaWest, Honestly. E.g., Just because someone is wearing a t-shirt you like, don't assume they're your new best friend.
Reactions and Reviews
Not the MediaWest*Con Program Guide. Yes, I know these are free and only six to eight pages long. They're still the cleverest little boogers fandom's got going, with more thought and imagination and evil little digs crammed inside than most 200-plus-page monsters. Hey, Harlan Ellison is only five foot five, Dorothy Parker was five foot two. Me, I'm five one. And a quarter. 
I always looked forward to picking up this publication at each year's con. They may have been distributed at the flyer tables in the early years of their existence, however in the later years you had to actually pick them up at [their] table in the dealers room -- and you were lucky to get one, as they had a very short print run!