Man Pain: Fact or Fiction?

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Title: Man Pain: Fact of Fiction
Creator: AdrianneFF
Date(s): September 1999
Medium: online
Fandom: The X-Files
External Links: News for the OBSSEsed #27
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Man Pain: Fact of Fiction is a September 1999 essay by AdrianneFF.

title banner used on the essay, artist is not credited

It was printed in the newsletter News for the OBSSEsed.

The subject is manpain, a new term at the time.

The essay has a focus of Fox Mulder and The X-Files. It includes humorous examples of Mulder-angst as well as that of his father, plus more serious examples.


"Man Pain." You've heard the term bandied about, you may even presume to know a bit about it. Maybe you have seen it, maybe you have experienced it. Maybe you are totally frightened, and wonder if there is some sort of vaccine or ointment that will protect you from it. Is it contagious? Does it leave a rash? Will it eventually leave you as blind as Mary Ingalls? All good questions, each of which I will attempt to answer, so that in these terms, you might know Man Pain, and might accept this stranger that so many recognize, but cannot ever completely hear about without bursting into uncontrollable fits of laughter.

Man Pain is, in its most simple terms, the awesome pain of being a man. It is not the pain associated with, say, a groin pull, but the face you will make when you experience it is quite similar. The symptoms of Man Pain may manifest themselves in the following ways. If you are experiencing two or more of these symptoms at one time, you will need to make an appointment with a licensed psychologist right away

You may also be suffering from the ill-effects of Man Pain if you have ever done the following:

Given your daughter to a bunch of aliens
Given your wife to a bunch of aliens
Written to letters to your estranged son while sequestered in a remote cabin somewhere in Canada
A sneering contempt for girl kids
Seen your sister abducted by aliens
Had holes drilled in your head
Ditched your partner
Found out that the Navy refers to your mother as a "friendly port"
Worn a pink shirt with an alligator on the breast

You may be wondering if, as a woman, you are immune to Man Pain. The answer is 'Yes,' insomuch as you cannot actually generate Man Pain on your own. Unfortunately, you can be on the receiving end of Man Pain. If you have ever experienced the following, you were almost certainly a victim of Projected Man Pain:

You were abducted by aliens
You had an implant placed in the back of your neck
You have ever been duct-taped to anything
You are routinely ditched by your partner
You don't have your own desk, office, or nameplate
You have been exposed to an alien virus as the result of a bee sting
You have been held captive in an alien goo pod
Your sister was shot by someone who meant to kill you
Your ova are in someone's freezer

Man Pain is no laughing matter. Okay, it is pretty funny, but only if it does not affect you. Remember that people live with Man Pain, they carry on. And so will you.

May the Blessings of Saint Scully guide you on your path to healthy, Man Pain-free living.