The Totally Imaginary Cheeseboard

Zine
Title:	The Totally Imaginary Cheeseboard
Publisher:	Waveney, Allamagoosa Press/Fanfun Publications
Editor:
Author(s):	Jean Airey and Laurie Haldeman
Cover Artist(s):	Gail Bennett
Illustrator(s):	Gail Bennett
Date(s):	April 1988
Series?:	yes
Medium:	print
Size:
Genre:	gen
Fandom:	Blake's 7 RPF/FPF
Language:	English
External Links:	Zine Info
Click here for related articles on Fanlore.

front cover by Gail Bennett

back cover by Gail Bennett

The Totally Imaginary Cheeseboard is a gen 54-page novel written by Jean Airey and Laurie Haldeman and illustrated by Gail Bennett.

In the early 1990s, Jean offered the series to fans freely via email.

There is an extensive reference to this zine in Textual Poachers by Henry Jenkins.

Summary from a Flyer

"A teleport malfunction causes Avon to swap places with Paul Darrow. Avon's experiences at a Blake's 7 convention are both hilarious and touching."

Regarding the Title

The title comes from Jean Airey's regular column in the zine called "Fantasy Empire" called "The Cheeseboard."

RPF

It is a FPF/RPF crossover, i.e. characters and actors swap places in this series.

From the zine's introduction:

Although similar in style to Jean's former column "The Cheeseboard" which was published in the now-defunct "Fantasy Empire," this piece is totally fictional. All the "real" people have given their OK to appear in the adventure, but their portrayal is completely a product of the author's imagination. Our thanks to Heather Nachman who served as special consultuant. our special thanks to Beth Jarvis, Sue Boylan, and Jennifer Hodge for proofreading. Pleas not that the "Jean" in the story is some strange gestalt of Jean&Laurie and really isn't either of us. It's all her fault, so there!"

Technical Notes: "For Avon's Benefit"

The zine's creators included some very specific technical notes regarding the production of the original print zine, which gives a peak into some 1988 computer hardware and software.

For Avon's benefit: This zine was originally input on an MS/DOS system, transferred to Osbourne CP/M system, back to Kaypro CP/M, back to MS/DOS using WORDSTAR as the word processing system and MFFORMAT to convert the discs. The WORDFORMAT files were stripped and downloaded to a UNIX system. Final text formatting was done through troff and the memorandum macro package and output was to an Imagen laser printer. Text type is 9 points with 11 lead. Deroffed word count is 42,538. Original manuscript pages were 145, double-spaced, twelve pitch.

Novels in this Series

• The Totally Imaginary Cheeseboard
• The Other Side of the Coin
• The Cost of the Cheeseboard

Excerpts

When I headed off for Scorpio 3 3/4, I was just hoping to have a good time, although the way conventions have been going lately, even that expectation was unusual. Still the money-grubbing instincts that have hit many of the DW cons - making the very idea of running one for fun nearly impossible - have not yet affected the B7 folks. Pray heaven they never will.

I was particularly looking forward to the appearance of that superb team of Thomas, Darrow and Keating. While each and every one of the B7 guests has the tendency to turn an appearance into a happening straight out of a Marx brothers movie, I was positive those three - together again for the first time - would make my trying to capture the event on film a bit like trying to eat Jello with a fork at a steamy Fourth of July picnic.

Not that I was complaining, mind you, but the next few days were sure to be interesting. Just how interesting never crossed my mind.

"Are you the artist who painted these?" Avon asked quietly.

"Yes."

"I quite like that one," he said, pointing out one that was all sturm and drang.

The painting was called "In Another Place and Time." Gail had painted Avon astride a black horse rearing in the Lipizzaner's classic levade. A stalking panther crouched below the poised hooves while in the background, a battle raged. Even surrounded by dying horses, bleeding men, torn flags, and smoke from the cannons, it was apparent that' Avon was in total control and enjoying himself enormously.

The painting was arresting, breathtaking and more than a little disturbing.

I shuddered, but Avon obviously found it utterly fascinating. Several fans who'd loitered in the hall had also noted his reaction and I knew he'd wind up with it at presentation time.

Gail, coming to grips with the fact that the real Avon was standing in front of her, choked down her misgivings and played along with us. Thank heaven for friendship. Actually, she admitted later, friendship wasn't the only reason she stopped her protests. After all, how often does a media artist get a chance to talk to the 'real' subject?

There was a fractional pause as Michael poured himself some more coffee. ’’About ‘Orbit’ —” His voice was light, unstrained, but his knuckles whitened around his cup. ”— one scene was cut from the final version.” He glanced over at Avon, ”It was just a short little piece, a close-up on Vila huddled in his hiding place, crying.”

Avon’s body flinched as if he’d been struck but his expression didn’t change; neither did he look at any of us.

Michael shifted his position slightly and I saw? a fine beading of sweat around his hairline. It could have been because he was sitting in the direct sunlight and the temperature was already in the high eighties — but whatever tension he may or may not have been feeling, it- never appeared in his voice or face.

’’You know,’’ he said conversationally, ’’Paul and I discussed that scene forwards and backwards. For my part, I felt if Vila was going to get written out of the series a few episodes later, I’d have rather made a dramatic exit right then and there.”

He paused to take a sip of coffee, making a face as he swallowed. "Now, the fans argue vehemently against that. They say, no matter how crazy Avon was at that point, the sight of Vila crying — in fear of him, Avon — would’ve been like a faceful of ice water. It would’ve shocked him into thinking with his brain instead of his paranoia. But—" he sat up straight, shaking an index finger and, for once, he had Avon’s full attention; in fact, Avon’s eyes clung to Michael’s like a drowning man hangs on to a life preserver ”— but many of them insist Avon would never deliberately hurt Vila. Never.

"And Vila —” Avon whispered, "how would Vila have felt?"

Michael regarded him steadily. "When I said a dramatic exit, I don’t think I made myself clear. I never meant Avon would get to throw Vila out the airlock — I meant Vila was crying because he knew the only way to save his friend — was to jump."

Avon recoiled, looking as shocked as I felt. "Vila would have jumped?" he repeated incredulously.

The silence was deafening. Michael, the consummate actor, let it stretch to almost unbearable lengths, before a vast grin broke across his features. "I never said he would have — just that it was the only way he knew of to save Avon." His eyes sparkled with suppressed merriment. "If I could have talked the writers — and Vere — into it, Vila might have thrown Avon out the air lock and kept the SCORPIO all for himself!"

Avon blinked very slowly, twice. Dawning comprehension began to cross his face.

"You see, Avon," Michael said very firmly, all traces of his earlier teasing gone, "it’s all up to you — whatever you choose. You can follow that script," he nodded in the direction of the tapes and the B7 program guide, "or you can write your own."

Interior Art Sample

• 

  Avon with cat, Gareth Thomas and wife Sheelagh in background, art by Gail Bennett

• 

  art by Gail Bennett

• 

  Paul Darrow is welcomed back with a group hug. Avon with teddy bear is in the background; art by Gail Bennett

• 

  Avon shoots a chicken leg out of Gareth Thomas' hand

• 

  You Are Receiving This Zine Because

Reactions and Reviews

Unknown Date

This, in my opinion at any rate, is one of the classic zines of Blake's 7 fanfic. The story is built around a teleport malfunction that causes Avon and Paul Darrow to change places so that Avon ends up in the middle of a Blake's 7 convention. We follow second-season Avon through his encounter with fandom, American culture, ice cream, shopping malls, Gareth Thomas, Jackie Pearce, Michael Keating and videos of the third and fourth seasons. The results range from the hilarious to the touching. My favourite scene is where they are measuring him for new clothes, and one highly nervous female fan is trying to figure out how to take Avon's inside leg measurement. The characters of the actors as well as Avon are well developed and feel right.

There is an extensive reference to this zine in Henry Jenkin's 'Textual Poachers. (an examination of fandom from an academic viewpoint and an interesting read in its own right).

I suspect one of the reasons that this zine works better than other that have been written on similar themes is that Avon doesn't promptly fall in love with one of the fans. Another reason is Gail's artwork which beautifully illustrates so many of the scenes.

This is an A4 reprint zine done from quarto masters suplied by Jean Airey, slidebound with a card cover. As it is a reprint rather than a new edition, I don't have the text on disc, so I can't post any extracts from the text.

This is the only Blake's 7/20th century crossover that I have read that is actually believable, as well as being funny, interesting and poignant at the same time. Avon gets swapped with Paul Darrow at a Scorpio convention; the whole story is written as a report by one of the attendees. Normally I think such stories are silly, self-indulgent, only to be read once, but this one I keep on coming back to.

The companion story "The Other Side of the Coin", about Paul Darrow's adventures on the Liberator at the same time, does not work as well.

A sequel to both these stories has been written: "The Cost of the Cheeseboard" by June Bauer & Beth Friedman, but it doesn't stand up to the other two, though it certainly has its moments.

1987

Special appearances by Gareth Thomas, Michael Keating, Jacqueline Pearce, Sheelagh Wells, Paul Darrow, Heather, Crystal, Cherry, assorted con committee members, Chicagoans and, oh yes...Kerr Avon! Picture if you will - A scene so strange that it could only come from the tormented mind of someone who has volunteered for one too many cons, attended one too many Liar's panels, dealt with one too many guests.... A scene that takes you beyond the normal committee nightmare of no-show guests, takes you beyond the limits of our earthly sciences, takes you to... THE TOTALLY IMAGINARY CHEESEBOARD. What would the committee do if Kerr Avon in all his glory, aided, by an errant magnetic storm changed places with Paul Darrow DURING A CON? How would Kerr Avon react to Blake's 3 - Gareth Thomas, Jacqueline Pearce, and Michael Keating, not to mention fans, cats, ducks, malls and 20th century electronics. "CHEESEBOARD" tackles these problems easily. Jean Airey and Laurie Haldeman, both veterans of many conventions, have combibned a "behind-the-scene" look at "SCORPIO 3 3/4"complete with real committee members, with a well put together story resulting in a delightful romp through fandom. Their Avon is perfect, and I'll trust their portrayals of the real B7 cast. The situations that arise all become possible as you dream you are drawn into the fantasy. I may be a bit prejudiced about "CHEESEBOARD". I know one of the "characters", have met a few of the actors, and seen enough at cons to feel, oh, so familiar with the setting. I don't know the authors except by reputation but their view of SCORPIO 3 3/4 rings as true as fiction can. Be warned, however. If you are new to fandom, and have not attended any conventions, especially B7 cons you may have some difficulty with the situations. If that's the case, just take everything on faith. There are a few "in" jokes, but happily they are all in fun - no sniping here, (o.k. - Avon does snipe occassionally. If you're a Blake or Vila fan you will be disapointed. Blake is present only as a voice on Avon's teleport bracelet. Vila not at all. Paul also is barely present and no explanation is given for why Blake couldn't wait to send him back (perhaps Zen synthesized cigarettes for him) . This zine gets a PSG rating - share it with your Mom if she likes Avon. There's no "slash", no adult situations (measuring Avon's inseam doesn't count). The artwork is by Gail Bennet, need I say more? Some readers will find one problem with this zine - small type. I know people who can't or won't deal with reduced type and editors should bear that in mind when planning a zine.

We have all read one too many stories in which the real Doctor makes an unexpected appearance at a convention. One or two amusing incidents may follow before he finally sweeps up Mary Sue Fan into the TARDIS and disappears. Therefore, when I discovered on the first page that the TOTALLY IMAGINARY CHEESEBOARD was an imaginary convention report (named for Airey's column the Cheeseboard) in which the real Avon is swapped for Paul Darrow, I almost quit reading. But I'm glad I kept going. Whereas most of the cliche'd stories mentioned above involve a typical congoer whose reaction is "Golly Gee Whiz!", the TOTALLY IMAGINARY CHEESE-BOARD is told from the point of view of a gofer/guesthandler whose reaction, quite appropriately, is, "Oh, No! Now what do we do?" Fortunately, the Avon who appears is second-season, so they do not have an incipient psychopath on their hands; still, we have problems, and conflicts, and resolution: in other words, plot.

The story gives us everything we want to see. (Well, almost. There are two exceptions which I will mention later.) Avon has to pretend to be Paul Darrow and attend the convention. So we gets Avon meets Jacqueline Pearce (Servalan). Avon sees Bizarro 7. Avon sees a famous Gail Bennett portrait of him (reproduced in a zine, which she illoed). Avon gets kissed by a con-goer. Avon beats up a couple of thugs, Avon encounters a typical "food court", complete with ice cream stand, at a shopping mall. Avon at the convenience store is a priceless scene in itself. Why does he buy a stack of Bride's magazines and two Hippy Toads? What does he think of the contraceptive displays and the National Enquirer? You'll have to read the novel to find out!

The story also has its serious side. Avon's relationship with Michael Keating is well done and touching. Some moments tug shamelessly at your heartstrings (the central teddy-bear incident, for example). And difficult problems are raised. How would Avon react to knowing a possible version of his own future? What happens when he sees "Orbit" — when he sees "Blake"? And, perhaps inevitably, what if he doesn't want to go back? These questions are handled extremely well.

The point of view is crucial to the success of the story. The authors convey a gritty feel for the inside workings of a convention. I've never wrangled — some of my friends have — but I've gofered, and it brings both exhaustion and exhilaration beyond the normal participation of ordinary attendance. The authors have captured the sensation perfectly.

Criticisms? Well, the teddy-bear scene was a little maudlin for me. The scene at the McDonald's was one too many "and-would-you-believe...?" And the constant in-jokes, ice cream, teddy-bears, ducks — might turn off a reader who is a relatively new fan. As you can tell, these are pretty small points; on the whole, I thought the zine was fantastic.

Thinking it over, I can think of only one scene-I'd-like-to-see that was left out. I would have liked to have seen Avon's reaction to David Jackson, who played Gan. I do think it was wise to leave Travis out, since the explanations of the two different actors might have gotten messy. But what I most wanted to see was this: Throughout the novel we have brief conversations with Blake, who is trying to adjust the teleport to bring Avon back. With every message Blake is more and more emphatic that he wants to to get rid of Paul and get Avon back. It's obvious Paul was driving Blake right up the wall! What exactly was happening on the Liberator? Dare we hope that the authors will someday reveal the tantalizing mystery? Dare we hope for—a TOTALLY IMAGINARY CHEESEBOARD REVISITED?

1988

Could not put it down - draws you in with its special charm and humor, and quickly has you almost believing it all really happened. Every B7 fan’s ultimate fantasy!

"The Totally Imaginary Cheeseboard starts with a somewhat mythical Scorpio convention and introduces Avon--the real Avon--in the place of Paul Darrow by means that are best left to the imagination of 29th century engineers, The rest of the plot follows as the night the day, and a very active and harrowing time is had by all, some in ways that aren't obvious at first thought.

There are lots of beautiful, full-page pictures, action pictures, portraits, pictures within pictures, all of them germane to the story, and all of them looking like real people. The art is all Gail Bennett's work. This being a story set within fandom, she also appears as one of the characters, allowing the authors to comment on how and what an artist sees. It's a point not always comprehensible to the word-oriented among us (I include myself), but it's a valuable insight. The zine is about Avon; if you are not interested in that one character, the story will leave you cold--though at last count that criterion excluded about four people in fandom. He's just slightly larger than life and much, much larger than television; darkly sarcastic; has a hair-trigger temper but is capable of charming anyone (especially anyone female) into puddles. This may not be odd at a B7 con, perhaps, though I might take it as overdone otherwise. The guy isn't supposed to have ST Deltan pheromones , after all. He also has, very believably shown, a genius-level intellect honed by a knife-edge existence which accounts for the most notable difference between Avon and a hotel full of con-goers; he's severely paranoid. (If they're really out to get you, you're not paranoid) That is, he's touchy, suspicious, and no-fooling ready to commit mayhem given what he considers provocation. This is not a comfortable character, but he is remarkably real, as well as distinctly and consistently a product of the environment we see in Blake's 7.

At base, the story is about fandom and the trust and affection -- or love, not to put too fine a point on it -- that exists there, by contrast not only with B7's Federation but also with much of our 20th century world. (And if the writers choose to depict one of the most presentable faces of fandom to illustrate this point, can we blame them?) Sentiment and teddybears are perhaps overcommon in fandom, but surely love is a valid sentiment; and even it is more easily expressed openly in fannish society, love has not lost its currency entirely in the larger world today. It is clearly much rarer in the universe Avon comes from, and overall perhaps we should be grateful that well-arranged words and pictures, rather than reality are what we have of Blake's 7."

1992

Avon finds himself at Scorpio, a popular Blake's 7 fan convention, due to another teleport malfunction; the character is initially highly suspicious of the fans' activities, confused by his encounters with series stars, and deeply disturbed by his viewing of fourth season episodes representing events sti11 in his own future. He eventually warms to his role as celebrity and embraces his fans. The story ends with the hope that Avon, whose ruthless violence and tragic fate reflected his profound alienation and perpetual betrayal, may deal with these situations differently now that he knows he is so beloved and has seen what the future holds for him if he is unable to change his ways. [The authors] include portrayals of program performers, active fans, the actors' real-world spouses, and the hotel where Scorpio was held. Their story exploits the "double viewing" practices of fandom: Avon is represented as existing simultaneously as a character on a BBC program and as a real-world personality inhabiting Earth's future.

I recommend the first story, The Totally Imaginary Cheeseboard to all. It was wonderful. Especially the part where Avon picks up the package of contraceptives in the convenience store. Hysterically funny!

1993

[for both zines]:"They both are fun, and oddly affecting. I liked 'Cheeseboard' better, for this is where we meet Avon, and watch him interact with a group of people who not only know a lot about him (his world and the aired episodes parallel closely) but love him unconditionally. Avon is ported to a large B7 convention in Chicago, at which other actors from the series are also in attendance. The actors, who portrayed his companions and enemy, and 'lived' certain events, also like and accept him, and encourage him to make different choices than the series indicated he made (the intersection point is shortly after 'Gambit'). The fans, of course, accept him totally, and his minders especially work hard to make him safe.

'Coin' isn't as good, I still liked it a lot. Darrow tries to convince the Liberator crew that he really isn't Avon, really isn't a Federation plant. But he knows too much about Avon, and the Liberator, to make that an easy task. He also is too used to 'being' Avon, and only Cally (good ol' telepath that she is!) can tell the difference.

They are worth the $6.00 Jean asks for them!"

1994

Among the few B7 tales I wouldn't recommend (where I can still recall their titles) is TOTALLY IMAGINARY CHEESEBOARD. I feel intensely uncomfortable with "fanity" stories like these, because I know the people portrayed and I seldom agree with the author's characterization of them. Sometimes she is too kind, sometimes she is too harsh, but most of the time, she is too shallow and inaccurate--particularly when she is trying to fit in as many 'names' as she can to avoid offending anyone by omission, and she doesn't know these people at all. I don't agree with how these people I know would react in the given situation. I don't agree that the line between fictional characters and real people should be overly blurred, because many misguided fans already have a problem with that. Many times, such a story is done to avoid the trouble of constructing a simple Mary Sue in order to shoehorn ones self into a favorite universe to meet the idol. I didn't like this kind of thing in early TREK with "Visit to a Weird Planet" and its sequel, I didn't like this kind of thing with "One Way Mirror", and I don't like it in any other story. Just my personal opinion...it makes me squirm.

I just don't understand why it keeps showing up on favorite zine lists. IMO it was terminally cutesy wutesy.

Sorry, Jean, but obviously our mileages vary here. I found the Avon characterizaion and the look at how our society contrasts with the Federation fascinating. The end was perhaps a little sentimental for my taste, but overall this is one of my favorites to reread often.

1996

I feel really stupid. I do not understand the Cheeseboard title EVEN THOUGH I know that comes from the name Airey used in her column for a magazine. -- I think FANTASY. Is this an "in" joke or ???.

Yes, it would be nice to see more use of Blake's engineering skills in fan fie. Ironically, one of the main examples I can think of is The Totally Imaginary Cheeseboard. [Barbara T] called that zine "shameless Avonolatry," and she was quite right; but it' s Blake, back on Liberator where we never actually see him (well, until the sequel, but that isn't nearly as good), who rebuilds the teleport to get Avon back.

Avon and Paul Darrow swop places in a teleoprt malfunction. Avon ends up at a B7 convention and has to cope with hordes of adoring female fans as well as Gareth Thomas (who played Blake) and Michael Keating (who played Vila). This potentially Mary Sue like plot actually works brilliantly. I reread this last week, and it was as good as ever.

2013

i really like all the art in this zine, except the front cover. i admit i am prejudiced against montages in general, but i also just think it's confusing and a bit of gareth thomas's head is missing (and you can see the santa claus he'll eventually become, although he's much younger at this time). but the back cover is lovely. and there are tonnes of other really nice pictures of avon's face o_o if you like that sort of thing.....[snip] ....as for the fic itself - i enjoyed it very much. it wasn't quite as funny as i'd expected - i think possibly because it's actually a real story, rather than just 'wouldn't it be hilarious if THIS happened?? and then THIS??' it is, however, surprisingly sweet. you may have figured that out from the picture of a small child hugging avon, i think. that's the kind of book this is. avon is both slightly dangerous at all times and... deeply out of his depth and adorable at all times. i don't know that i've ever read a more vulnerable avon - it's really cute, without being totally out of character. (Read the rest of this informal review here)."

Why this must be read: Another 1988, and another one that's quite famous - I assume it hasn't been recced before because it's zine only, but it's a zine that I often see on eBay. The premise is that Avon and Paul Darrow are swapped while Darrow is at a B7 con. Thus, Kerr Avon has to endure... everyone being really nice to him!!! When I read the premise of this fic, I assumed it would be a hilarious string of 'Avon fails to deal with modern life' incidents, and it is, but more than that it's a chance for Avon to examine his behaviour and his established relationships from the outside and potentially make different choices. It's genuinely thought-provoking and moving. Out of his own universe, Avon gets to be both more adorable (very excited about steak and clothes and toys he could re-sell in the future), more out of his depth/vulnerable and more terrifying (dangerous killer in amongst normal people) than I've really seen elsewhere. Vv interesting and plausible characterisation. The fic is also interesting as a historical document, giving a detailed and (I assume) accurate account of what a B7 con in the late 80s was like. And the illustrations by Gail Bennett are lovely. I uploaded a few of my scans to the Fanlore article, which is linked below.