Me & CC; or, BNFs do not have more fun

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Title: Me & CC; or, BNFs do not have more fun
Creator: Aja (bnfshavemorefun, later bookshop)
Date(s): June 18, 2006
Medium: online
Fandom: Harry Potter
Topic: The Inner Circle
External Links: page one (defunct); archive link page one; page two; archive link page two; page three; archive link page three (expanded comments are not included)
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Me & CC; or, BNFs do not have more fun is a 2006 detailed essay/post by Aja. It was originally posted on Aja's Journalfen account "bnfshavemorefun".

The post was public in 2006, then private, then public again in 2011: "But it was never my intention to hurt Cassie by making this post (not that I imagined she would ever see this post to begin with), so I locked it not long after it was made. Now I am unlocking it, because I'm very sorry to say I have information to add to it."

It describes "the fallout between myself and Cassandra Claire... The story is long and complicated, and covers a number of wanks between July and October of 2003. But basically it boils down to 3 separate events that all culminated in October of that year.."

1) "The Secret Diary Wank" 2) "Stacey, aka phatgirlfics, now phatphatkitty" 3) "Plagiarism & Fic Stealing"

Some Topics Discussed and Illustrated

Summary

I was really and truly devastated by all of this. October 2003 is a month I will never forget. I can easily look back and see how I incited the wank, how I refused to let things drop, how I was obsessed with Stacey's obsession with me, and of course the whole Ivy thing which, dude, whatever. What I also see very clearly is that I was chafing against the expectations of the Inner Circle. I couldn't be what they wanted me to be; I couldn't effectively curb my own feelings and stifle my own voice for the good of the Group, or to preserve Cassie's reputation, which is what I was asked to do time and time again since becoming her friend. In the end I think what happened was inevitable, because I simply couldn't play that role. That made me a liability to Cassie, and I understand why. The whole wank really made me understand where she was coming from in a way I hadn't been able to before: of course she needed her friends to pull rank and file, because she was so susceptible to attack anyway, just for being who she was, that with any additional provocation she would have that much more crap to deal with. What her friends do affects her. I know that's still the case with me, years later, and I respect her for not being even more strict about dictating the course of her friendships, under the circumstances.

But I can't excuse her behavior to me, and believe me, I have tried and tried over the years, because I loved her dearly. We hurt each other very much--she honestly felt betrayed by me, and I don't blame her for needing to rewrite parts that reminded her of my influence over Draco Veritas; I know that I couldn't really write my fic either after we parted ways. October 2003 was the real end of Love Under Will. But emotional baggage aside, the bottom line was that she asked me repeatedly to put aside my own needs and cater to hers. Our friendship began in secrecy and went downhill from there; it was incredibly unhealthy for me, and probably for her too.

In March of last year, I sent her an email, the first time I'd emailed her since her response to me, because I was trying to rid myself of feelings of guilt and exonerate myself from having to look back on my conduct during that time period and have anything to regret. It took me a long time to cease to regret losing my friendship with Cassie, because she was a good friend. In the email I talked a bit about that summer, and my emotional state. I reminded her that I had contributed financially to her fund during Laptopgate and that her response to everyone, sent via mass email, had been "I consider you all friends now." I told her that I did not want friendship, but I would like forgiveness. She's the kind of person who burns bridges and doesn't look back, but I'm the kind of person who needs closure, who needed to know that somewhere, Cassie isn't looking back and thinking nothing but ill thoughts of the time when we were friends.

So I told her that, and asked for forgiveness.

She responded: "Got your email. Need some time to think about it. Will get back to you."

That was March of last year. I've not heard from Cassandra Claire since. I wish her well.

[This has a 2011 addendum. See essay.]

Fan Response

Comments at the post were almost entirely supportive. Sadly, only top-level comments can be read; the threaded comments are offline.