Wanking: a Tutorial

Meta
Title:	Wanking: a Tutorial
Creator:	Merlin Missy
Date(s):	July 17, 2008
Medium:
Fandom:	multifandom
Topic:
External Links:	Wanking: a Tutorial
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Wanking: a Tutorial is a 2008 satirical essay by Merlin Missy.

The failboat sets out for distant shores. Her captain: you.

[...]

Today, we are talking about wanking in a fandom sense, which is to say making an ass of oneself among friends and fans, eventually being mocked for same by people one doesn't know.

Series

This essay is part of a series called Dr. Merlin's Soapbox.

Some Topics Discussed

• "The first thing any potential wanker must do before setting out to wank is to set aside that most overrated of virtues: perspective."
• "It's time for the pseudoacademics to shine!"
• "...be sure to point out your personal experiences with the subject at hand, no matter how tangential they may be."
• "Accuse your opponents of not caring enough about the real world."
• "You may have to claim a recent diagnosis of a serious, even terminal illness."
• "Make it about your own particular world and world-view. Make it about the things you've done and seen, and if/when your opposition tries to tell about the things she's done and seen, tell her she's being anecdotal and you believe in real data."
• "You need a scapegoat." Blame a nanny, includes a link to The Ms.Scribe Story: An Unauthorized Fandom Biography
• "At no point during the wanking process should you consider backing away from the discussion, giving yourself mandatory cool-off periods of a day or two between heated comments, going for walks or actually dealing with the life you've remembered you have."
• perhaps use a faux apology
• "After the wankstorm, or even as it is still smouldering without you, gather your remaining allies, create a new Livejournal or other private webspace, invite in only the few loyal minions you can trust, and bunker down."
• never forgive
• Pseuicide, Sockpuppets
• pain olympics
• a nod at Henry Jenkins and his book, Textual Poachers
• references to masturbation

From the Essay

Set aside your so-called "real world" concerns. Sure, the kids are whining and your boss is a jerk and the situation in Afghanistan is a mess and your mortgage payment is going to be late again, but what really matters to you more than anything is that someone you previously liked and admired actually 'ships the unspeakable Dean/Bela instead of the far more righteous and proper Sam/Bela pairing. Clearly, this person needs to be give a Clew, and you are the wielder of the Clewbat. Ignore the deadline you've got on your project, and let her have it! Spend hours on your treatise of why you're right and she's wrong, and let the cat box spill over. This is much more important!

Henry Jenkins (PhD.) made it trendy for fans to use polysyllabic words to describe why they like their shows, but really, we've been doing it ever since the first English major scraped for a topic and presented "Kirk/Spock: A Love Tragedy in Seven Years." We like to meta. Metaing is fun, stretching the mental muscles we may have allowed to atrophy since we fled screaming from our alma maters. Symbolism, metaphor, pacing, language, dialect choices and missteps, poetic allusions and classically-derived scores, these are the joys of meta for your favorite show. We use the fine and gross tools we learned in lit and drama to unfold the depths of meaning in that one scene of Smallville where Clark and Lex are fencing and they're totally flirting only not, because it's TRAGEDY omg.

Tell them if they had lives, they'd be out there right now working for social justice, or raising families, or whatever, rather than having stupid arguments on the Internet.

[...]

This is also the point where having a personal tragedy, real or manufactured, comes into play. This is the step that separates the internet arguer from the true wanker.

You've been in an accident. You've twisted your ankle. Your kid is sick. Your grandmother's cat has cancer. Take this and use it. Tell the world about your individual tale of woe, and that'll make them feel bad for being mean to you during your time of personal tragedy

If things are serious enough in your argument, and you really really need to pull out a moral win, you might want to consider creating a sockpuppet (or enlisting a gullible friend) to report your sudden demise. Pseuicide is popular (and painless! ) but being struck by a car, succumbing to aforementioned pretend illness, or other conveniently-not-in-the-paper disaster will suffice.

The most infamous scapegoat is of course The Nanny Who Used Our Internet, but that's been done. You may have to blame a burglar, your preteen, your soon-to-be-ex spouse, your neighbor stealing your wireless signal, or even your superintelligent Yorkshire terrier. Bad dog. Bad, bad dog.

If you feel you must apologize, be sure to offer an apology that has nothing to do with the actual content of why your opponent is upset. Tell her instead that you are sorry she was offended, not that you're sorry you offended her or that you understand what was offensive about what you said. Otherwise, you are admitting that you are wrong, and true wankers never admit wrongdoing.

Repeat [all this] as necessary, until you realize you are not a special snowflake, your opinions on the Internet are worth the same as everyone else's (even the Harry/Ginny 'shippers), no one is impressed with your GPA, your life experiences are not exactly the same as those of other fans, your life is your life and your foes' lives are their lives and unless you're an A-list celebrity or politician no one cares about your RL woes, liars eventually get caught, n00bs eventually grow up, and there's always someone who will recognize the person who peed in the pool last year.

You don't have to be good. You don't have to be nice. But if you're going to wank, don't be stupid about it, and wash your hand when you're finished.