This Vulcan Penis Problem

Meta
Title:	This Vulcan Penis Problem
Creator:	Laura Goodwin
Date(s):	early 2000s?
Medium:	online
Fandom:	Star Trek: TOS
Topic:	Vulcan Genitalia
External Links:	online here, Archived version
Click here for related articles on Fanlore.

This Vulcan Penis Problem is an essay by Laura Goodwin.

It is posted at All Your Trek Are Belong to Us.

Excerpts

I'm going to bounce right off of the ropes and into center ring and just state flat out that I think this "double ridged" Vulcan penis thing is just plain embarrassing. Something has got to happen, because we can't go on this way.

Let's talk cock for just a minute: You got your circumcised, and you got your uncircumcised. Uncircumcised, AKA "intact", "uncut", is the way nature makes 'em. It takes uncounted millions of years for nature to devise something as perfectly delightful as the uncircumcised penis, and only a few seconds with a sharp knife or hunk of broken glass to completely ruin it, OK? The foreskin is not a useless hunk of skin people, it's a very important part of the male organ, that is designed by nature to protect the penis, and facilitate smooth, friction-free fucking.

Here's another of my pet peeves: why in heaven's name do so many Treksmutter's assume Captain Kirk is cut? I honestly think that by the 2200's circumcision will no longer be practiced. But I digress.

Dare to dream: maybe Vulcans are too smart, too *logical* to ever start circumcising in the first place. Let's assume for a minute that Vulcans are physically, mechanically very similar to humans in the manmeat department. Let's assume that they have a glans, and a shaft, and maybe even visible, hanging testicles. Why in the name of glory would they have two "ridges"? Maybe they wouldn't even have one. Maybe their glans is shaped differently. Maybe they don't even have a "shaft" -maybe the business end of their member is all glans.

I want you to really think about this for a minute. Just for sixty seconds try to imagine a Vulcan penis is not some "double-ridged" monstrosity. Maybe Vulcan cocks aren't bigger than human cocks. In fact, maybe they tend to be smaller than human cocks. Why not?

Maybe, like deer do with their antlers, Vulcan men drop their penises after Pon Farr, and they grow a new one in seven years. Every seven years, they just grow a brand new one. Why not? The truth is, nobody really knows for sure if they do or don't.

Vulcan genitalia were never described in canon. Heck, if we believe canon, even humans don't have genitalia! This double-ridged thing (which is so dreadfully embarrassing) is not canon. You don't have to describe Spock that way: it's not required. You can get creative and make up a totally different way for Vulcan penises to look and function, and nobody can say boo to you about it, because the stupid double-ridged thing is only fanon, not canon.

Consider this: Whatever the Vulcans have, it's got to be practical. Specifically, whatever the Vulcan men have got, it's got to be perfect for Vulcan women! Those two, you'd think, would be a perfect fit, like a hand in glove. The guy's like the hand, see, and the woman is like the glove, in that scenario, all right? So ask yourself: What does a Vulcan girl need a double-ridged dick for? What's it do for her? I mean, sure, it drags a lot and causes a lot of friction, and we're supposed to assume she likes that, right? But what if Vulcans don't thrust and piston like humans? AHA! Didn't think of that, huh? What if Vulcans don't do the in-out thing, at all? What if they grind, for example, instead? Seriously, what makes us think that they would piston in and out like humans? Not all animals do, you know. Some grind, some fight like they are trying to kill each other, others just kind of stick together and lackadaisically hang around and chill, looking bored and stupid.

Remember, VULCANS ARE NOT HUMAN. They look like us superficially, but deep inside, and in every meaningful way, they are nothing like us. They don't even have a word for rape, not even for date-rape. They don't have a word for date. When Vulcans have sex, it's as good as getting married. The word FARR is their general all-purpose word for bodies-bumping-in-friendly-manner. Bodies-bumping-in-unfriendly-manner is FEE. Hence, Kali-fee means to kill the guy who wants the girl you are interested in, and Kali-farr means to bon/mate/have-sex-with/MARRY her. That's right, folks. You have sex with a Vulcan, you're married! And apparently you are married for life, because the Kali-fee is as close to a Vulcan divorce as you are going to get.

What I'm getting at is, I deplore the fact that so many fan fiction writers agree with such a lock-step mentality about Vulcan penises, when there are so many wonderful options to choose from, and I want you all to start deploring it, too. For mercy's sake people, let's show some imagination! I challenge you Treksmutters to write a sexy story about a Vulcan having sex in a completely new way. Try describing a totally different kind of penis for Spock, and while you are at it, try giving Kirk a foreskin. I double-dare you.

Fan Comments

The Vulcan Penis Debate

This article mainly rejects the idea of a double-ridged Vulcan penis, but the author argues against it by claiming that the assumption that Vulcans even have penises at all is ridiculous, because they're aliens. So WHO KNOWS WHATS GOING ON DOWN THERE????

Maybe, like many mammals which are readily observable in nature, Vulcan males have retracting penises. Maybe the whole apparatus shrinks and slips entirely back into the body when it's not needed. Maybe the Vulcan man's testicles don't hang down - maybe they are not even visible.

Maybe, like many male birds and other animals, Vulcan men don't have penises at all. Maybe they simply rub against the female, and ooze semen in her general direction.

First of all, in Star Trek, EVERYTHING on alien planets is identical to the way it is on Earth (or, more specifically, America). In Star Trek, the aliens on different planets have identical ARCHITECTURE due to their "humanoid form." What about that episode where Kirk went to a different planet and discovered a document that was identical to the United States CONSTITUTION? And yeah, OKAY, the Vulcan anatomy was slightly different from that of humans. Spock's heart was located where a human liver would be -- BUT HE STILL HAD ONE.

And for the love of God, WHY would Vulcans be more likely to resemble earth ANIMALS rather than earth HUMANS?? Why is THAT more logical?

And let's not forget the most important piece of evidence for a human-like Vulcan penis, which is, of course, that Spock is half-human. So I mean, the penis IN QUESTION is half-human anyway, but FURTHERMORE, the fact that Amanda and Sarek were able to successfully produce offspring suggests that Vulcans and Humans have compatible reproductive organs. So either Vulcans have human-like penises, or they have some other unfathomable reproductive organ that acts as a converter of genetic material (Vulcan --> Human), or some fucked up shit like that. (My point is, definitely NOT a bird peen. For Chrissake.)

Vulcan genitalia were never described in canon.

(Yeah, no kidding. In my opinion, even MORE evidence that Vulcans have human-like peens -- cause no WAY McCoy wouldn't be grumbling about Vulcan dicks in every episode if Vulcans had retracting-penis monstrosities.)

Heck, if we believe canon, even humans don't have genitalia!

OH MY GOD KAREN YOU ARE SO STUPID. I think by about 8 months old you're supposed to understand the concept that an object that is not visible isn't necessarily nonexistent. And listen, lady. They may not DIRECTLY refer to Kirk's penis, but they definitely allude to the fact that he has sex with a bunch of ladies. Which seems to suggest Kirk has a penis. He's not like Juno's baby: born without it's junk. You know, it's bits.

P.S. I have to draw attention to this part:

When I squeeze my (human) husband's nuts, he tells me that the penis attached is mine, but I'm not the one who uses it to piss through, so no, it's not really mine, except for a limited time when needed. Pissing on it is something else, but that's another story.

First of all, ew. But second, love how she, as a low-blow against fanfiction writers, references her boyfriend's pie balls and the fact that she has lots of experience (cause we all know that 90% of fanfic writers have never actually had sex themselves). Reeeeal nice.

OK: So, take home message. Vulcans have penises, okay? And they're not BIRD PENISES. Christ.