The Need for Stars

Fanfiction
Title:	“The Need for Stars”
Author(s):	Carolyn Spencer
Date(s):	Zine-07/1993;K/S Archive-11/2009
Length:	Zine-15 pages;K/S Archive-8,706 words
Genre(s):	slash
Fandom(s):	Star Trek: TOS
Relationship(s):	Kirk/Spock
External Links:	on AO3
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“The Need for Stars” is a K/S story by Carolyn Spencer.

It was published in the print zine First Time #36 07/1993.

Summary

From the story summary: "After years of refusing the bond, Spockʼs death makes Kirk realize what he had been asking of his lover, and with Spockʼs revival, what he will ask for now."

Excerpt

"But my favorite, the one that recurred most often, was the vision of Spock lying among a bed of stars. The silken black hair grown long enough to reach to his ankles was the only garment he wore. And the stars were shining in, and through his long, black hair. Or maybe his hair was made up of stars. His legs were spread for me. Arms flung wide. Face, contorted and so open in his passion. Body writhing in sexual abandon. Again he would offer not only his body, but his heart and mind and soul as precious gifts for us to share. Here in this forever place of dreams, where there was no past and no future. I was able to accept them. And I finally knew all of him. Spock, among the stars. Where he was meant to be. Where we were both meant to be."

Reactions and Reviews

1993

I don't normally enjoy being depressed. But this hauntingly beautiful story left me with a sweet melancholy that I actually savored. I've read the story twice, and it was as powerful the second time as the first. Told in the first person from Kirk's perspective, the story details a K/S relationship that reminds me of Heathcliff and Catharine - only quieter. In fact, quiet pervades the pages of this story; there's very little dialogue, and the whole thing feels as though it happens inside Kirk's head, inside his brooding sadness for his inability to accept the bond with Spock. This author is a master at invoking mood, and here she's at the top of her form, never breaking or interrupting the heart-wrenching sadness of a love that could have been perfect and instead verges on tragedy. The ending is not truly a happy ending, it's more a hint of hope... they have bonded, finally. Kirk has learned, finally, how important Spock is to him - but I suspect the terrible pain that he still carries will never leave. This is a Kirk who "needs his pain," and knows it.We see Spock only through the filter of Kirk's guilt, Kirk's grief. We see Spock as the wounded party. And yet, I was left wondering whether this story's Kirk will ever realize that Gol was as much Spock's fault as his, and that Spock shores the responsibility for the pain both suffered over all the years... In sum, I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of reading this story. I am not one who needs every K/S story to leave me feeling happy. This one made me feel deeply, and that's at least as satisfying.

Seems the author has a special talent for stories written in the first person. Again I was thrilled by her writing style. She knows how to catch the readers' interest with her words! E.g., the way she describes Spock standing in the small observation room and the following love scene (p. 136) -- it was just wonderful!

But I cant cope with this Kirk! It rends my heart, when Spock says (p. 143): "Then give me what you can, Jim" It's a very depressing story. Somehow I can't imagine Spock this self-sacrificing and Kirk this selfish. And though it ends "happy" (they'll be Bondmates) I'm not happy after reading this story. K/S is usually about an idealized relationship. They are two halves of a whole, they fit perfectly together. Though they have their problems and their quarrels sometimes, they are meant to be together. Even stories with violence, rape, etc. between them are acceptable, when there is the feeling that they nevertheless belong together and that there is a future for them. I miss this feeling here. Before Spock's death, Kirk is simply a man, who takes advantage of his friend (I have that feeling that he denies Spock the bond not only to protect him, but because he is afraid, his friend could have some power over him after the bonding and he might lose his stars.) And Spock is nearly mentally enslaved without having enough backbone to tell Kirk he's a bastard and to have to have his own way. After Spock's rebirth Kirk indeed realizes his failings, but somehow I can't forgive him.

Carolyn, you know how I love your stories. You write so wonderful and also this one is perfectly written. I have simply my problems with the plot. Kirk makes me mad and I'm not able to feel happy for Spock that he bonds with him. But I'm not the measure of all things and my opinion is only one among many others. Don't take me too serious....

Wow! Simply one of the best written K/S stories I have ever read. And also a story that I don't think I will ever forget.

But calling this work a "story" is almost inaccurate. It is the most poetic piece of K/S prose that has ever been published. I think, and that is a huge part of its success. The author manages to invest The Need for Stars" with a marvelously consistent tone, giving it a poetic, lyrical, fitting language that transports us into the dark, deep recesses of Kirk's soul. We feel his ambivalence, his regrets, his awful sorrows. This is a dark story, and its "hopeful"ending doesn't realty change its tone. The mistakes that Kirk made along the way in his relationship with Spock are not erased through his final decision in the last scene. Instead, in a way, his final decision to give Spock the bond that he yearns for highlights the pain of the long years when they lived together, and yet so awfully apart. And this "highlighting" of scene construction and language is paralleled by the setting for the two major scenes in the story, both of which take place in a small Observation deck, where first Spock, and then finally Kirk are burned clean by the light from the stars. The stars burn brightly around their bodies, outlining them with light, but causing the substance within to be cast into darkness.

In a review of another story by this author, I mentioned how I hated to have my emotions blatantly manipulated. But gee, when ifs done this well I cant raise any objections. When Kirk details how he reacted after Spock's death, how the part of him that was a captain took over while the part of him that was a man was hiding, how he unsealed Spock's body from the tube and raised the lifeless hand to his face, begging for the bond... Well, in the hands of another less-talented writer this scene might have left me cold, resistant, or it might have been maudlin. But I had tears filling my eyes. A magnificent job of puling the reader right into a character's soul.

I've read "The Need for Stars" twice. I am not likely to read it again. For one thing. I realty don't like to beat myself over the head, or to make myself chronically sad. I'm glad I read this story, there is definitely a place for the dark, the sad, the unfulfilled in K/S literature, but I'll admit to a preference for the upbeat.

But more importantly, I don't have to read this story ever again, because it's one of those enduring works that win stay with me always, the scenes with their wonderful use of light and darkness, both in the physical and the spiritual, have been branded into my memory. This is one very valid interpretation of the Kirk/Spock relationship that makes me shiver. I might not prefer this interpretation, but thanks to the author's skill, this is one K/S story that I won't forget. Kudos. Carolyn!

It seems this is clearly not a first-time story.

Very beautiful poetic writing. But I don't care for the first-person Kirk POV. and had to make a point while reading to not let it get in the way of my enjoyment of the story. I just cant quite get a feel of how I can be privy to Kirk's first-hand thoughts, or when/where in his thoughts these reminiscences are taking place. A nice. slow, full scene. Kirk and Spock in an out-of-the-way observation room. A long scene with no words said - I like this. Kirk wants to make love in there. Oh. my heart.

First person present tense sex is so...awkward. But it's a fine, dark intensity, their painfully, silently not giving each other all of themselves. So sorrowful.

A strong, beautifully written story; echoes in my mind. But so hopeless! As I read it. this didn't bother me. as I assumed they would resolve things in the end. but then when they did not...

1994

True mastery of the short story form is so rare in fan fiction, or anywhere, that when a story appears that shows such mastery, as this one does, it deserves all the laurels and accolades fandom can deliver.

This story is a tour de force. Told in the first person by Kirk, it's about the conflict between his own needs and Spock's, a conflict that continued over years of their relationship as lovers, from the first five year mission to the aftermath of ST IV. The conflict is posed simply and elegantly. Kirk needs Spock, but he also needs the stars and living on the edge, with all its challenge and danger. Spock simply needs Kirk.

I don't have the command of words to do justice to the author's achievement, so I will just mention four aspects of it that particularly impressed me.

First is the unity of theme and voice that welds the story into a remarkably seamless whole and marks this as the work of a master short story writer. The story's unity is all the more impressive because of all the ground it covers, including an adventure toward the end of the five-year mission, Spock's departure for Gol, Kirk's marriage to Lori Ciani, V'Ger, Spock's death and resurrection, and the new Enterprise. It would be easy for a story that covers so many events and conflicts to seem fragmented, but this story achieves absolutely the opposite effect. It may technically violate some of the Aristotelian unities, but it is one of the most aesthetically integrated, focused and unified stories I have ever read in fan fiction. (I should mention that unity of place is achieved brilliantly in the twin scenes on the observation deck at the beginning and end of the story.) The author's ability to focus on the underlying theme and to maintain a consistent voice, never faltering throughout the twists and turns of the plot, is extraordinary. Reading the story, I had an image of her spinning a long, gossamer thread while never letting go of the tension, keeping it taut as a bowstring.

Second, is the depth and complexity of the characterization, especially that of Kirk. A lesser story might have relied for dramatic effect on the conflict between Spock's desire to unite with Kirk in the bonding and Kirk's self-centered refusal, but this author gives Kirk far more depth and complexity. This Kirk also wants the bond, but despite Spock's reassurance that "only in rare cases does the surviving member of a bond follow into death," he knows that Spock would follow him into death if they were bonded. Spock, too, is more complex than one might expect in a story on this theme; he's ambivalent about leaving Gol and returning to Kirk and the Enterprise. The complexity of the characters is especially impressive in the context of the story's single-minded focus on a single theme.

Third, is the deftness with which the author weaves the events of ST-IV into the story. In most K/S stories I'm just as happy to do without references to the series and films, which often seem more of a distraction than a positive contribution to the story. Here, however, the references work.

Fourth is the sheer intensity and profundity of the K/S relationship. The depth of each man's love for the other is shown vividly, directly and immediately, without melodrama or long discussions of their feelings—for example, in Spock's brute refusal to break a healing meld with Kirk, his bleak vigil for Kirk in Sickbay, Kirk's shaking the bars and screaming at the gates of Gol, the incredible scene in the morgue after Spock's death. Their love is shown as they live, breathe, feel and experience it. (When I say this is done without melodrama, I mean that the characters' actions in those scenes arise from the intensity of each man's passion for the other and are fully justified by it; they are not artificially wrung out of the characters by contrived circumstances.) My heartfelt thanks to the author for giving me what I read K/S for.

All this, and an incredible sex scene, too! Kirk is a stunningly strong character in this story; I do prefer a stronger Spock, but this is fundamentally a Kirk story, and besides, the ending of the story suggests that there will be more reciprocity between the two men now that they finally have bonded. The views of Spock through Kirk's eyes are wonderful, though I found myself wishing for Kirk to see him more as his super-competent First Officer. Surely that's a huge part of why Kirk loves him so much.

A delicious tidbit is Kirk's thought, watching Spock, that "If we were ever to leave the service, I know my first request would be for him to let his hair grow longer than military discipline allows." Yeah! I wonder what analogous request Spock will make of Kirk?

In sum: about as close to perfection as it gets.

This is my favorite K/S story—up there with the novel, Broken Images, and certainly the best short story. I've read this at least six times since buying the 'zine at Shore Leave, and each time it gets better. Perhaps what I like best is that the- author -takes the time to dwell lovingly on the details of key scenes, and gives us just enough to flesh out this story's perspective on other, familiar scenes from the ST canon.

The story, for those of you unlucky enough not to have read it, is written from Kirk's point of view, at several pivotal moments during his relationship with Spock. It begins near the end of the first five–year mission, with Kirk reflecting on the adjustments and the different things each is looking for. But the author slips the information in, showing us with a word or two how the relationship stands: "You learn a lot about personal space when you've had a Vulcan lover for eight months", and "No, Spock never argues...we had our differences of opinion". Here is the problem: Spock needs Kirk. Period.

"Kirk needs the stars, his command, adventure, excitement and Spock. Kirk knows he puts Spock at the end of this list and that Spock needs him enough to let him. This is a Kirk I recognize—a Kirk who takes chances and risks it all to have it all, "Why do I have to choose? The answer is, I don't...at least not yet. Not this time. He's given in.

There is a lovely scene when Kirk finds Spock in a darkened observation room. He watches Spock and reflects on their relationship and the pain he is inflicting by denying his lover the security of the bond. That Amanda has given Kirk a hologram of Spock as a child is great. That it is the vulnerability of this child that makes it precious to Kirk is stunning. This scene is full of such exquisite detail. For example, when Spock finally realizes Kirk is in the room, he unconsciously draws inward, and Kirk notices and is hurt: "Perhaps he really does need protection from me, and that hurts the most of all".

The story moves on through a traumatic final mission, Spock fleeing to Gol, Kirk rising to the admiralty and failing in his marriage to Lori Ciani. V'Ger reunites the lovers, but only superficially.

It takes Spock's death to make Kirk realize what he has been gambling with, and the consequences of its loss. The scene in the ship's morgue with Kirk pressing Spock's cold, stiffened fingers into the correct position on his face-begging him to bond them is horrifying, chilling, and perfect.

When Spock comes back. Kirk has learned his value and his lesson. The lovers bond in the observation deck where the story began. Ms. Spencer gives the story a sense of closure and completeness, enhanced by the changed imagery of the stars from the first scene to the last.

A wonderful story full of angst and heartache, (My favorite kind as long as all ends well.) It is basically a story of love found, love lost, and then after many trials and separations, love regained. Beautifully written in powerful and moving language.

The Kirk in the early part of this story is the Kirk of the episodes: young, brash, commanding, in love with the ship and the stars, a bit of a control freak, and yes, (although I am loth[sic] to admit it) even a bit selfish and manipulative. He and Spock are lovers, but the ship always comes first. The 'Immunity Syndrome' episode backs up this premise. Kirk would have sacrificed Spock to save the ship. At this time in his life the ship did come first.

Spock wants to bond and wants Kirk to take a desk job so he won't get killed. And here's where I have a problem. Carolyn and I don't see our Spock's the same way. We have discussed it at length and have agreed to disagree. She sees him much softer and more vulnerable than I do. I just can't picture Spock asking Kirk to give up his command and turn into "a desk bound paper pusher". He of all people knows what the ship means to Kirk, I also can't see him quite so meekly accepting and self - sacrificing when Kirk refuses the bond. Anyway Kirk refuses both requests and when he is subsequently almost killed, Spock leaves for Gol. Kirk is devastated. Yes, Yes, mental anguish. Spock comes back and they become lovers once more, but Spock never again asks for the bond. By now I'm all teary–eyed. Spock dies. The scene where Kirk goes to the mortuary and in his madness presses the cold fingers to his face, begging Spock for the bond is simply the most heartrending thing I've read in a long time.

Kirk has finally learned of regret. Regret for what almost was. Regret for what could have been. Regret for chances that will never come again. And when that chance does come again in the form of Sarak, Kirk jumps at it. He knows now that Spock is everything. Without Spock nothing matters, not his ship, not his career, not even his life.

The last scene of Kirk offering everything he was to Spock, the ultimate surrender of self ... oh, be still my heart.

1998

I must say something about "The Need for Stars". Again, it’s a story written in the first person. I always like this style, whether K/S or not K/S. This story was recommended to me by a very dear friend and I am very grateful for being given this recommendation. It is so bitter-sweet, it knots my heart and stomach. My own words can never do justice to each single word in this little gem.

1999

I first read this on my job, and I was that fascinated that I HAD to finish it!. This is a jewel of a story. Very intense and honest I just can imagine this Kirk behind the stories, and Spock is so very Spock, gentle, giving, waiting, expecting nothing back from his human he can nothing resist. And still Spock is a very powerful man, dealing with an equally powerful Kirk who thinks that all goes the way he wants it.

It starts when there is a reassigning for another period of two years. Spock and Kirk have been lovers for 8 months now. Kirk is happy to find Spock's name on the list because he himself isn't ready yet to give the stars up. Kirk wants the stars, has a need to be with the stars, while Spock just wants a home, a home he had found with Kirk. He wants desperately to keep that home safe. The best place to stay safe is on the ground. Kirk doesn't want to leave the stars and Spock gives in but tells Kirk of the many times he had to save him and what that costs him. A bond would make things easier, but Kirk refuses to bond because Spock would die with him then, and a Vulcan has at least hundred years more to live than a human and he doesn't want to steal those years from Spock.

For that reason they almost never meld if not in the line of duty. "I realize I have been punishing him for desiring what I will not give, and myself as well, for not giving what he so desperately desires."

It costs Kirk much to deny his friend that ultimate joy, and he is almost ready to give in to Spock, when he is almost killed in an accident planetside. When he regains consciousness after 6 weeks, Spock is gone to Gol. Kirk stays grounded, as we know, and tries to survive. He has terrible dreams.

After V'ger Spock returns, and all seems the same. Spock has loosened up, but doesn't expect much more. He doesn't ask for the bond ever again and Kirk is happy the way it is.

Then Spock dies. "It took Khan to make me understand the true meaning of loss."

Kirk understands now what it means to lose some one you love. He says about that: "The man I was went away somewhere, and the captain was left behind." The only thing that keeps him going is bringing the ship and his crew home. In a very moving scene, he tries desperately to meld with Spock's dead body, saying he is so sorry he refused the bond. When he starts hitting the body, McCoy takes him to his quarters. Finally, he understands what he asked from Spock: "I feel young" I did. Incredibly young. Just at the beginning of my life. A long life. A life filled with endless days and endless nights that stretched away into endless months and endless years of living until it finally would be over. A life without Spock. This was what I, in my arrogance, had asked of him. Endure without me. No, I hadn't understood loss at all until Spock died."

Finally, when Spock is back, the first scene on the observation deck is repeated, but now with reversed roles. It gives the story its strength and gives a rightness to it that leaves you breathless behind.

And I can't stop quoting from this beautiful story, as this one with which the story ends: "In his dark eyes I see the reflection of the stars, and as his hand rises to the side of my face, they seem to burn more brightly than they ever did before. But I no longer need them. What need have I for stars when all the worlds I will ever need to explore are locked behind my bondmate's eyes?"

In a relative short story (15 pages) Carolyn brings us through a considerable long period. Using a few words and telling so much, incredible!

2003

This is one of the best K/S stories I have ever read. It’s one of my all time favorites. To newer K/S fans: this story is an acknowledged classic, and buying this zine and reading the The Need for Stars is one of the first things you should do. (There are other excellent stories in the zine, too, such as Jehanna Hunter‘s wonderful “The Tirizan.”)

“The Need for Stars” skips from the TOS timeline to post TMP to post ST II, in a story about Kirk’s need for the stars and freedom, and Spock’s need for Kirk. Although they are lovers, Kirk won’t bond with Spock. They don’t bond even after TMP and V‘Ger, although they do resume their relationship. But then Spock dies.

Words fail me to describe the power and beauty of this exquisitely written, incredibly moving, absolutely stunning story. Just read it—you won’t be sorry! I cannot highly recommend “The Need for Stars” enough.

2007

Starts towards the end of the 5YM with Kirk refusing to bond with Spock. It takes the events of TWOK for him to realise how that affected their relationship. Yes, I am a wuss when it comes to movie-era fic, but this one really is heartbreaking.

“The Need for Stars” seems to have a simple plotline: Kirk has been refusing to bond with Spock for years, even though they do share an intimate relationship. But then comes Khan, and Spock’s death, and Kirk suddenly realizes what he has been asking of Spock. When Spock is revived through the fal tor pan, Kirk will ask for a change. There, that sounds like several other K/S stories you’ve read over the years, doesn’t it? But for lots of stories it’s not what is told but how the story is told. Atmosphere and style are everything, or if not everything, at least a big part of what decides a story’s impact on a reader. I remember crying at a particular scene when this story was first written, even though you can’t really call it a sad story overall.

2009

I remember when the new Star Trek movie was first released, there was a lot of speculation among us K/Srs as to the impact it would have on our fandom. While it was inevitable that we would see a flood of K/S stories once the movie was released, the question became how long would the trend toward reboot K/S stories last and would TOS stories continue to survive and flourish now that there was a—new Star Trek in town. Now since no new zines have been published since the movie hit the big screen, no one can say how they will be affected, but such is not the case with the internet. While it indeed has been flooded with K/S stories based on the new movie, there is a distinct lack of stories, new or old, based on TOS popping up on the net. And the trend toward stories based on the movie shows no sign of slowing down. Which is why I was so happy when this author made the decision to start posting her stories on the K/S Archive. And I was even happier when she decided to start with this one. It stands as an incredible example of why K/S has survived as long as it has, movie or no movie, and why it will continue to flourish in the future. With authors like this one around, how could it not?

The title of this story pretty much says it all when it comes to what this story is all about. Kirk‘s need for the stars, his overwhelming desire to explore the galaxy, takes precedence over everything else, even making his relationship with Spock complete. The two become lovers, but when Spock wants to take that final step, to bond them so that they will truly become one, Kirk refuses. For the life he has chosen, the one he wants to live, is too risky for him to consider a bond with Spock. For he knows that if he were to die, a possibility he faces every day, he knows Spock will choose to follow him. And that is something Kirk simply cannot accept. So he refuses each time Spock asks until eventually Spock stops asking. Thus they continue their relationship, loving each other in the ―human way, until Kirk is seriously injured on a mission. Spock is forced to meld with him to save his life and that meld, along with its consequences, drives Spock to Gol. Kirk is more than a little angry that Spock would choose to abandon him, yet he thinks, ―Ironic, wasn't it? The one thing Spock wanted, other than the bond, was to have me permanently safe, and here I was, safe, snug as the bug in the proverbial rug, and that bastard was the one who was gone.‖ Of course, as we all know, V‘Ger brings them back together again and they are even able to resume a physical relationship, with Spock seemingly content to do without the bond. Kirk now has everything he could ever want – command of his beloved Enterprise with Spock at his side and in his bed. Until Khan. It is the death of Spock that finally drives home the point of what Kirk has actually lost. Even Spock‘s eventual resurrection does little to stem the horror Kirk still feels because 'I've never been afraid of life. I will never experience those things in quite the same way ever again. I am not the same man l used to be. Now I am afraid. Because Spock died.' This story is so unique, so incredible that any review simply cannot do it justice. Every word, every sentence, every phrase draws the reader in to Kirk‘s struggle, first with the reluctance to bond with Spock and then his beloved Vulcan‘s death. The scene of Kirk in the morgue with the lifeless body of his lover sends chills down my spine every time I read it. This author has a way with a story that is unmatched in the world of K/S. I am so grateful she is a part of that world and has now chosen to share her talent with a much broader and appreciative audience.

2021

4/5. This was beautifully written, very poetic, bordering on purple prose. Personally, I didn't enjoy it that much, but I know that's just because I don't like character study fics. It was good.