|Fandom:||Star Trek: The Original Series|
Click here for related articles on Fanlore.
It was published in the print zine First Time #29.
"Kirkʼs partial amnesia after hitting his head turns out to be hiding a night together with Spock to which he had reacted with guilt and shame."
Reactions and Reviews
Kirk sees McCoy about his (Kirk's) being sexually impotent. All Kirk remembers is that he beamed down with Spock to Starbase IV. had dinner, then woke up in a hospital. Kirk suffers from memory loss and Spock isn't talking. When McCoy confronts Spock. he finds out that Spock had sex with Kirk. Spock thinks Kirk lost his memory because he regrets having done it. This is an intriguing set-up along with excellent writing and very involving until the second part of the story. McCoy's portrayal is very good—he's crusty, yet caring.
Terrific build-up as Kirk becomes more and more anxious as to what Spock is hiding from him. And some neat writing like when Spock thinks about how he can't reveal the truth to Kirk: "His Vulcan heritage had ultimately failed him to allow him to experience the joys that he had, to have allowed himself to love as he had. only to have it snatched away."
Finally Spock melds with Kirk to allow him to remember the incident. It's a wonderful scene as Spock mind-melds with him and we wonder if Kirk will still love him. The memory returns and Kirk remembers their love-making. Some neat little moments like Kirk lying on the bed and he's sucking Spock who's standing (it's hot in here) — "The Vulcan raised one knee on the side of the bed to allow Kirk better access..." What a vivid position!However, the rest of the story concerns itself with Kirk's memory of being sixteen years old and experimenting with another boy and getting caught by his father. Ever since Kirk's been homophobic. I don't know. Not likely You just want to shake Kirk and yell: "Get over it!" So just ignore the last part and totally enjoy. 
A heart-warming story with a well-woven, absorbing plot and good characterizations. This presented an interesting and realistic problem, and the story held a feeling of love and caring throughout. (This author is starting to spoil me -- I find myself expecting more and more excellence every time a read a story of hers.) 
This somewhat unpleasant scenario revolves around a first time that has already taken place. But Kirk doesn't remember it. All he recalls is a pleasant dinner with Spock, hitting his head and waking up impotent.
It all goes back to Kirk's father walking in on his youthful sexual encounter with a friend—a male friend. The father's terrible outburst is something I can understand would last the young Kirk a lifetime and I feel great sympathy and understanding for him. I think this could have been tapped for much more emotion than it was .
Therapy—and a telling mind meld with Spock—help Kirk come to terms but not in a way that we are able to identify with his ordeal. It's all kind of too easy, so to speak.
The two agree to a "courtship" while Kirk is undergoing therapy, giving me grand expectations for a lot of hand holding and shoulder squeezing. Instead, they avoid each other for weeks, at the end of which Kirk declares the courtship over and proposes marriage. Frankly, I would have turned him down!It had its good spots. I didn't skip over while I read it, but there were bushels of potential that were unexplored or overlooked.