Enter the Grasshopper

Zine
Title:	Enter the Grasshopper
Publisher:	Corona Simia Press, Monkeypaw Productions and Yvonne Brown
Editor(s):	Sheila da Chimp
Date(s):	1994-1995
Series?:
Medium:	print
Size:
Genre:
Fandom:	Kung Fu: TLC
External Links:
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Enter the Grasshopper is a Kung Fu: The Legend Continues anthology fanzine.

There were three issues.

"Get the Spirit or Tune Us Out!"

A message from the editors in a flyer printed in The Celestial Toybox #11:

Advance Warning: We're Christians. WE MEAN IT. We've toned down the violence in our fanzines and won't even look at naughty manuscripts, but we also realize that the opposite side of the fence -- mixing Judeo/Christian religion and fan fiction -- just might offend some readers. If so, we're nonprofit and non-competitive. Get the Spirit or tune us out!

From the Flyer for the First Issue

You'll know you're being challenged by the demons of low-budget, syndicated television when:

1. You reply to, "How ya doing?" with, "As best I can."

2. You start calling the co-worker you're training, "Grasshopper."

3. The power goes out overnight, and you don't even notice until the district fire marshal cites you for overloaded candelabras.

4. You give up aerobicize in favor of "channeling Chi."

5. You resurrect your early-'70s "natural look" attire, develop a fondness for handmade sandals, and sport a "Just Say, 'Hai!'" bumper sticker on your car.

6. You're shunned at the natural foods co-op on suspicion of alchemy, for requesting herbs so exotic they don't even have them in the catalogs.

7. You read from Benjamin Hoff's The Tap of Pooh to your child/Sharpei puppy at bedtime, and quote Sun Tzu every time your spouse/boss/"significant other" wants to fight.

8. You boycott products endorsed by Chuck Norris.

9. You take up meditating in public parks, at least until an off-duty paramedic cracks your ribs attempting CPR.

10. Practicing "Drunken Monkey" becomes your idea of a rowdy Saturday night.

11. No pit bull, Doberman or German Shepherd would even think about it.

12. Someone asks you to explain your fascination with "Kung Fu: The Legend Continues," and you respond, "You must learn to see with more than your eyes."

Okay, if you're read this far, you've either got the demons nipping at your heels, or curiosity's put you in the danger zone. But don't despair. Remember, "That which you resist, you serve only to give more power. It is better to yield." Put your writing and/or artistic skills to use.

ENTER THE GRASSHOPPER is a "Kung Fu: The Legend Continues" fanzine open to submissions through February of 1994, or possibly longer. One must not challenge the unpredictable rhythms of the Universe.

Get creative. The only restrictions are, no slash, graphic sex or gore, or killing off characters. We'd really love to see stories that explore the lives of Caine and Peter during their years of separation, and of Captain Blaisdell before he became a cop. In fact, we'd love ANY story that explores ANYTHING beyond the "'Starsky and Hutch' do Chinatown" routine of the program's scripts....

And remember the "Lesson of the Monkey's Paw": "Be careful of what you desire, lest you find your wish fulfilled."

From the Flyer for the Third Issue

a flyer for the third issue

Monkeypaw Productions and Corona Simla Press Present:

The most outlandish atrocity to emerge from Atlanta since that God-awful 1996 Olympic Mascot, "Whatizzit" Okay, we'll tell you what it is:

"Enter the Grasshopper" -- A "Kung” Fu: The Legend Continues" Fanzine!

That's right, ya'll. The notoriously clean-footed (from putting them in our mouths) rogue publishers at Corona Simia Press decided to yield to the temptations of the demons of syndicated TV (again) and crank out a "KF: TLC" compilation.

[...]

But by far the most flattering response came from the show’s production studio. They ignored us!

Issue 1

Enter the Grasshopper 1 was published in 1994 and contains 154 pages.

peek-a-boo cover, issue #1

issue #1

• Inside the Lacquered Box by J.M. McClure & Denysé Bridger (1)
• The Lesson of the Monkey's Paw by Cheshire de la Croix (17)
• Interlude: "The Last Wall" by Cheshire de la Croix (28)
• From Darkness to Light by Denysé Bridger (37)
• Interlude: "Dragons Live Only In Shadows" by Cheshire de la Croix (39)
• Not With a Bang, But a Chirp by Cheshire de la Croix (41)
• Bittersweet Return (original title "Undercurrents") by J.M. McClure (44)
• Interlude: "That which Cannot Be Found" by Cheshire de la Croix (68)
• With More Than Your Eyes by Cheshire de la Croix (71)
• Interlude: "KF: TLC" by Cheshire de la Croix (90)
• The Song of Shaolin; or, Angels Watching Over Me by N.S. (92)
• The Land where the Sun Sleeps by Cheshire de la Croix (112)
• The Baddest S.O.B. in the Valley by Cheshire de la Croix (124)
• Shadows by Cheshire de la Croix (142)
• The Brass Ring by N.S. (144)

Reactions and Reviews: Issue 1

What, you missed issue #1? You have no idea of what motivated us to challenge the demands of time, energy and the pursuit of God, and go ahead with a second issue? Okay, let's just reach into our correspondence file and pull out a random sampling of testimonials:

• "I talked to someone who knows your editor, and she said she's a psychopath," (Editor's response: "That's possible. I know a lot of psychopaths.")
• "Practice what you're always preaching to 'Dark Shadows' fandom: 'Get an afterlife.'" (Editor's response: "This is my afterlife.")
• "Everywhere you talk about the Ancient, you misspell his name. It's 'Lo See,' not, Lo Si.'" (Editor's response: "Lo, we did not See a script prior to going to press.")
• "Can't you get more contributors? (Name Omitted's) style got boring very fast" (Editor's response: "Enjoy the year's supply of 'Purina Cat Chow.'")
• "Stop calling Peter, 'the detective.' It just sounds so cold." (Editor's response: "Okay, fanzine style expert. Is 'criminal investigation engineer- more politically cool?")
• "Tell your editor, Blaisdell isn't Peter's' friend.' He's his father. And so is Caine, not his parent,' and Peter isn't Caine's 'offspring.'" (Editor's response: "No wonder the kid's confused. Who's the 'significant paternal other'? The 'male child-production engineer'? Er... Would a DNA test straighten any of this out?")
• "Ich liebe doch dieser 'Captain Mike'!" (Editor's response: "¿Qui dice?")
• "I especially loved....those gorgeous color photos." (Editor's response: "Not as much as me loved sneaking into Chris Potter's dressing room to take them. But what's that got to do with the 'zine?")
• "I do apologize - I haven't quite been able to decipher your signature." (Editor's response: "Try this experiment, you polite soul. Next time you're touring a research lab, hand a pen and scratch pad to a chimpanzee. See any difference?")
• "In true recycling spirit, please change my check into a 'zine and send it back to me." (Editor's response: "To all the rest of you who want to dabble in alchemy: Parchment checks will not transmutate into famines. They turn into sheep or elephants, depending upon the nature of the parchment. Please enclose $1000 extra air-cargo postage.")
• "Thank you for sending 'ETG.' Christmas in February!" (Editor's response: "You mean we transposed '12' and '2' on the computer calendar again? No wonder the groundhog drew on us.")
• "What do you mean, you're not going to do a second issue? You CAN'T not do a second issue. Nobody else in fandom ever prints this kind of stuff!" (Editor's response: "No kidding.")

Issue 2

Enter the Grasshopper 2 was published in 1995 and contains 130 pages. It has the subtitle: "The Tail of the Tiger, the Way of the Monkey."

Cover art is by Roger Gosdin; interior art is by H. Ann Walton and Kerry Ann O'Connor. The zine is dedicated to recently-deceased actor Robert Lansing, who portrayed Captain Blaisdell on the show.

cover of issue #2, Roger Gosdin

[From a flyer for this issue]: All right, you dedicated Orthopterophiles. The long arms, hairy hands and prehensile feet of Corona Simia Press have once again confronted Destiny—and it won!

[Descriptions of the fiction, see the table of contents below.]. Plus the usual short-subjects, original art by the unrivaled Ann Walton and newcomer Kerry Ann O'Connor, Sheila D.C.'s "interview" with Peter Caine, and whatever else we decide to throw in that won't get us sued, excommunicated and/or mauled by big, mean dogs."

We're charging $20.00 U.S. for this critter, payable to Y.M. Brown (Canadian and overseas customers, the price is the same to you if you don't mind surface mail, which by our experience takes anywhere from one day to two weeks longer. Our pals in the postal network, regardless of bad press, have never lost a package—not even one!). Send orders, inquiries, protests, prayer requests, indictments, flea collars and/or more of those affectionate love letters to the editor (enclose a stamp or I.R.C.--if you don't and there's a problem, we won't acknowledge your order!) to...

Section I: "But the Greatest of These is Love"

• If It Quacks Like a Duck by Sister Marie Evangeline ("The pretense of a deadly arson hides the truth: Was it an act of revenge, or greed? Teamed up with a traumatized Peter Caine, Kermit Griffin uncovers a lead that could crack the case for the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. But when he ventures out of his electronic temple without his partner, he winds up wounded and taken hostage. Now it's up to Caine and Son to get him out alive. Premature Three-Hankie Demise Alert: Not one, but TWO pairs of dark green glasses perish in this story!") (1)
• Tea and a Certain Lack of Sympathy by Jeanne DeVore ("After six months of wandering on his own, Kwai Chang Caine is back in Peter's life. But when he drops in to reestablish ties with a friend--his son's foster mama -- he gets an unexpected earful that wakes him up to the meaning of parental responsibility. Evil Things in Robes of Sorrow by Cheshire de la Croix An enemy emerges from Blaisdell's past to seek redemption. Though suspicious of his motives, the captain can't deny evidence that the man's story may be true. In order to do what he feels is right, Blaisdell must resolve a multitude of no-longer-dormant emotions—while his foster son, caught in the middle, becomes the target of political assassins.") (14)
• Evil Things in Robes of Sorrow by Cheshire de la Croix ("The return of the God Squad (special appearance by Elvis Presley)! Tan gets tired of haunting himself and returns to haunt Peter, instead. Knowing the Grasshopper's basic inability to cope with anything that defies rational explanation-especially when it's trying to toss him from a high-rise window-Captain Mike decides to intervene. Mogey, meanwhile, gets his first assignment as Guardian-Angel-in-Training... er...Well, let's just say he's still got a lot to unlearn.") (19)
• Dissin' Yo' Son by Sheila da Chimp (33)
• Interlude: "Warm Fuzzies" by Cheshire de la Croix and Sister Marie Evangeline (34)
• The TV Cop's Top Ten Commandments by Sheila da Chimp (37)
• To Curse the Darkness by Sister Marie Evangeline ("A study in loneliness mat pits uaine against d wiy old, vampiric Chinese demon. She's enslaved a thousand spirits, he tells a disbelieving Peter and Kermit. But their concern is solving two murders in Chinatown that seem to be the work of a serial killer with a ten-year history. When Peter becomes her prey, Caine must transcend material reality in order to free his soul. And somewhere in the course of the action, he manages to free Kermit's.") (38)
• Interlude: "Patterns on a Shadowed Wall" by Cheshire de la Croix (57)
• Interlude: "Aspects of Dreams" by Cheshire de la Croix—Tag to "Aspects of the Soul." (62)
• Star Light, Star Bright: Epiphany by Cheshire de la Croix and Sister Marie Evangeline (" Donny Double-D comes into possession of a cursed monkey's paw. He turns to Peter for help, but Peter's got problems of his own--his old pai the Shadow Assassin's been murdered, Kermit's getting death threats, and the author Everett Cooper is back in town--and in danger. Is the Chi Ru master the perpetrator, or is a third Shadow Assassin involved? Why is it that every wish Peter makes brings disastrous results? Will Donny Double-D ever be the same? Do you believe a cursed monkey's paw is a silly fantasy (says Caine, "It was no joke to the monkey")? Don't worry. It's safe to read this story. The only functional paws on our staff are still attached to the monkey.") (64)
• Interlude: "The Essence of the Man" by Cheshire de la Croix (" Interlude: "The Essence of the Man" by Cheshire de la Croix As bad as Peter feels over Paul Blaisdell's long absence, his other father feels even worse. The only way Caine can ease his own sense of guilt, as well as Peter's heartache, is to make the son he shares with the Captain understand that indeed, he never can be alone again.") (81)
• A Plague of Grasshoppers by Sheila da Chimp (84)

Section II: "Kung Boo: The Haunting Continues"

• Once Upon a Midnight Dreary by N.S. (86)
• A Walk on the Wild Side by N.S. ("Peter's got a problem. He's fallen on his head twice ("The Bardo" and "Magic Trick"), and it's turned his acrophobia into an unmanageable demon. While Blaisdell and Kermit team up to help him work through it, an unmanageable ex-demon decides the only way he can protect his pet Grasshopper is to turn himself in-to his former boss. You got it: Peter and Captain Mike team up to set him back. But it's a LONG way down.") (96)
• It's My Party and I'll Die if I Want To by N.S. (110)
• Interlude: "Running the Midnight Marathon" by N.S. (123)

Issue 2.5

Enter the Grasshopper 2.5 was published in 1995 and contains 106 pages. It has the subtitle: "The Demons Made Me Do It!" The cover art is by Roger Gosdin and "Sheila"; interior art is by Kerry Ann O'Connor.

[from a flyer]: You'll never read this fanzine in the dark. But when the moon is full and bright, eerie shadows dance in the breeze beyond your windo and the demons of Canadian-born syndicated television creep in to challenge you. you'll understand why we're doing...

"Enter the Grasshopper" II.V. The Demons Made Me Do It!"

[snipped]

This is what happens when you get late submissions that you just don't want to toss into fanzine limbo....

Yield to the inevitable. Send an S.A.S.E. and give us until June or July to complete the exorcism (that's right -- we're sending the demons to room with you!).

cover of issue #2.5, Roger Gosdin and "Sheila"

• Interlude: "Reflections" by Cheshire de la Croix—Tag to "The Bardo." (1)
• Ugely by Susie Mason ("Take one brazen, untamable [sic] young cop, Peter Caine. Team him up with a brand-new, brazen motorcycle. Put them on a narrow mountain road, add a wayward car, and a stubborn tree... Oooops. Oh, he gets rescued. But the lonely mountaineer who finds him, would just as soon he never recovered his memory.") (3)
• Reach out and Touch Someone by Jeanne DeVore—Will wonders never cease? Kwai Chang Caine gets a telephone! (13)
• Charming Your Pet Celebrity by Sheila da Chimp (18)
• Interlude: "It's Not Easy Being Green" by Cheshire de la Croix—Tag to "Manhunt." (18)
• Once Upon a Midnight's Query by N.S. (21)
• It Was Only a Dream, Peter by Sheila da Chimp (27)
• The Tao of Michelangelo by Michelangelo (28)
• The Weakest Link by Cheshire de la Croix and Sister Marie Evangeline ("Peter's haunted by a premonition that something terrible has happened to Captain Blaisdell. Then two of Blaisdell's former spy associates show up demanding to know where he's gone, which sends his foster son, Caine and Kermit to an appointment with destiny.") (29)
• The Demons Sent to Challenge Us by N.S. ("We never new Asmodeus Mogart had a twin. Neither did he, until Kermit found out what happens when you're online in the Twilight Zone.") (62)
• Top Ten Job Prospects by Sheila da Chimp (70)
• Some Other Time by Sister Mary Evangeline (71)
• May I Surf With You? by Cheshire de la Croix (86)

Issue 3

Enter the Grasshopper 3 was published in 1996 and contains 255 pages.

cover of issue #3

• frontispiece by H. Ann Walton
• Return from the War by Katherine Atkins (1)
• Mistaken Identity by Rhonda Hallstrom and Deb Patrick (5)
• Manon by Mary Wilkerson (11)
• The Bells of Rhymney by Cheshire de la Croix and Sister Marie Evangeline (24)
• Freedom by Katherine Atkins (54)
• No Mistakes This Time by Rhonda Hallstrom and Deb Patrick (56)
• The Last Dragon by Anita Cappello (71)
• D.O.A. by Cheshire de la Croix (87)
• Anniversary by Katherine Atkins (94)
• He's Ba-a-a-a-ack! by Rhonda Hallstrom and Deb Patrick (98)
• The Last Precinct by Cheshire de la Croix and Sister Marie Evangeline (119)
• Sudden Brightness by Suzan Guberman (152)
• A Day for Fathers by Katherine Atkins (154)
• Roadkill by N.S. (161)
• The Prince of Peace by Cheshire de la Croix (176)
• Table Manners by Barb Milligan (179)
• Snowbound by Lisa Morrissey (184)
• Tender Loving Care by Katherine Atkins (200)
• It's Time They Knew by Laurie Nichols (211)
• Peter's Day Off by Suzan Guberman (225)
• Nightmares and Memories by Katherine Atkins (228)
• Ghosts by Cheshire de la Croix (248)
• The Essence of the Dead Parrot by Sheila da Chimp (251)
• Various Places Around the Fanzine: The Way of the Monkey by the Primate Philosphers of Corona Simia Press and Assorted Humor Lists by Elaine Ryan