Do folks genuinely not understand the appeal of the enemies to lovers trope

Meta
Title:	Do folks genuinely not understand the appeal of the enemies to lovers trope
Creator:	RobotMango
Date(s):	January 2, 2020
Medium:	Tumblr post
Fandom:
Topic:	Enemies to Lovers trope,
External Links:	Original Post (archived link)
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Do folks genuinely not understand the appeal of the enemies to lovers trope was a Tumblr post by RobotMango. This meta discussed the appeal of the enemies to lovers trope particularly in fantasy and adventure fiction, but discussion in notes involved the use of this trope in het fanfiction as well.

The post doesn't refer to any fandoms or pairings explicitly, but discussion in the notes focused on Star Wars fandom and in particular the pairing of Rey and Kylo Ren.

The Essay

do folks genuinely not understand the appeal of the “enemies to lovers” trope, as it shows up over and over in fantasy & adventure fiction? really?

obviously it’s cool if you don’t personally like the trope. we’re all different. but i’m seeing an increase in posts asking “what is wrong with people who ship this dynamic??” like it’s so far out and strange, we can’t possibly conceive of why people would like this. like… really?? enemies to lovers??? literally one of the oldest tropes in existence?? in the poppin-fresh year of our lord 2020, fandom is genuinely confused about this?

(disclaimer: i am, very specifically, talking about enemies to lovers, as it presents in fantasy and adventure fiction. when people use the word “abuse” to describe the dynamic between characters from opposing armies who like… fight each other on horseback with magical swords, i question their grasp of narrative, not to mention their motives.)

like, picture it: someone who opposed you, coming to your side. someone who clashed against you, becoming someone who never would again. someone who is in the end overcome by your power, your character, your strength, your wit, whatever: overcome by the very force of you. someone who chooses to fall at your feet and take up your cause as their own, to wield their own significant power against your enemies.

and… someone you don’t have to always be so fucking good for. someone who has heard you scream unprintable curses on the battlefield. someone who has undoubtedly seen rage and fear and desperation in your eyes. someone you’ve probably also hurt. someone who wouldn’t blink if you put an arrow in a real enemy’s back and might in fact hide the body for you. someone you know will be as strong at your back in a fight as you’ll be at theirs; partly because, well, you’ve both lived through each other.

and as a woman, boy do i personally get the appeal of this trope (as a general concept, even when specific ships don’t resonate w/ me). like we live in a world where men think it’s “weird” that their girlfriend swears or farts; not shaving is a cardinal sin. women’s humanity is disgusting to so many men and even to so many fellow women. women’s righteous anger is laughed at, our legitimate fears are routinely dismissed and belittled. if we’re not nice, if we’re not sweet, if we’re not doormats, we’re discarded; if we are any of those things, we’re looked down on, we’re targeted, we’re blamed.

and people can’t understand at all why we might be drawn to stories where the very forces that oppose us, are so transformed by us, so drawn to us for everything that we are, that they literally leave their old selves behind in the dust to join us and devote themselves entirely to our victory?

inconceivable, i guess.

(second disclaimer: no, this trope is obviously not appealing to all women, what the fuck is appealing to all women, besides pizza?)

and furthermore, since nobody asked me…. the idea that we have to “protect” women from enemies-to-lovers stories, when those exact stories can offer some of us a cathartic brand of fantasy…. whew, fandom. stay infantalizing us i guess.

Responses

Nope I don’t get it.

I kept silently screaming nooo the whole time. I much rather the woman kills the villain instead of kissing him.

I just want to clarify that just because I don’t get this trope doesn’t mean it is not valid or “ok”. If you love it that’s great! Just because your yelling kiss and I’m yelling kill doesn’t mean I don’t respect your yum.

OP’s analysis is also the analysis of “why do straight women ship gay men” that I’ve always wanted to make, but never managed to: because it’s the only way lots of women can even imagine egalitarian relationships, especially relationships that contain any degree of assertiveness/aggression/physicality.

I think it’s because the “enemy” was usually someone who was a complete evil asshole who relished in killing the hero(ine)’s loved one(s) and people completely ignore that or make the woman too forgiving of this scumbag who should be held accountable for their crime. Basically it’s the fact that the “enemies to lovers” tropes can be twisted into “Completely ignoring all the horrible things this person has done for a ship.”

I think the backlash has come from poorly constructed enemies to lovers tropes in popular fiction.

Like enemy to lovers is one of my favorite fanfiction tropes cuz more often than not writers of fanfiction genuinely care about both characters and want them to grow into eachother.

But meanwhile in the mainstream directors and shit hand us Rey///lo and then you get people trying to romanticize abusive and manipulative scenarios.

And like although I dont ship Rey///lo I am sure there are people who do ship them who have written better and healthy enemies to lovers dynamics than we got in the movies.

I just feel like people dont know how to write empathetic villains with believable redemption arcs and when you combine that with the worlds general tendency to glorify violent misogynistic white men then we end up with this strange dynamic where both sides where like ppl are right to try to denounce the glorification of unhealthy relationships but on the other side people are also right to say that the blame doesnt inherently lie in the enemies to lovers dynamic, but on the people who misuse the trope.

in a lot of cases, fans really do write this dynamic best. that’s mostly why i wrote my original defense: it’s hard for me to watch fellow fans, and entire fandoms, get painted as sicko abuse apologists for actually doing the work of analysis and character-building and introspection and transformation that so much major media just doesn’t give a shit about. (and like… yeah, including a lot of reylos. a lot of that fic explores evil and atonement very seriously.)

Like, I love enemies-to-lovers, but I always like there to be some reason that makes them trust each other and that can be:

Honor: Where they respect each others’ abilities and will save each other even as “enemies” because dying to (a certain enemy/natural disasters/incidental circumstances/etc.) is not honorable.

Friends/Lovers-to-Enemies-to-Loves: Where the spark that “died” or they tried to kill is still thereand they can’t deny their feelings, especially when forces push them to work together.

Symetry/Mirrors: Where they are similar to/are reflections of each other, usually in actions and sins, and only they can truly understand what it’s like to make those descisions or suffer those tragedies.

Bigger Fish: Where an outside enemy to both (or more) sides make them have to enter a temporary alliance, gives them time to appreciate each other as allies (either as a way to move from enemies into lovers or so that there’s all the more drama once they’re enemies again).

And this isn’t a completel list at all, just some notable examples of how to make the dynamic really work for me.

Like, as a random ship, let’s say Reylo had more time besides just the throne room fight scene to work together as allies/against Snoke or Palpatine or whoever, it could’ve made it work more for the general audience.

Because a key part of the enemies-to-loves is the TO part, where they are transitioning from adversaries into allies, that’s the best part for me personally.

One shouldn’t “cancel” a trope because it only silences those who already don’t have voices that are heard. I hate disney take on Cinderella but the trope of surviving horrible abuse and misues long enough to find love will always be welcome.

It’s not the trope. It how and by who the trope is used. Don’t police the voice of those not profiting from their stories. You gotta gripe with mainstream misogyny or patriarchy or anything, go after that. But these brave souls opening up themselves to be attacked because you misinterpret what a trope is. Enemies-to-lovers is not the foul definitions some commenters have tried to ascribe. In fact, it seems to be a thoughtful continuation of enemies-to-allies trope used from time immemorial but a little more evolved because it doesn’t stop until romance is satisfied.

I got wordy. Sorry Mango. This reminds me of that post about the 3 laws of fandom.