Crab Sandwiches

Fanfiction
Title:	Crab Sandwiches
Author(s):	Dawnwind
Date(s):	12-2003, 9-2005
Length:	410K (136,555)
Genre(s):	slash
Fandom(s):	Starsky & Hutch
Relationship(s):
External Links:	part one; part two
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Crab Sandwiches is a 2003 Starsky/Hutch story by Dawnwind.

In it, Starsky and Hutch deal with Starsky's devastating terminal cancer diagnosis.

When the author of this story posted it to AO3 in 2013, she ended it with "Always remember, and never forget, that Starsky and Hutch live on in our hearts. This is just one story of their lives, there are many others. Keep reading."

Dawnwind passed away from cancer on July 3, 2024.

Comments by the Author

In 2010, the author wrote about another Starsky & Hutch story that was similar to "Crab Sandwiches":

As I nurse, I know this story, know every bit of the flow of a hospital, the long, slow slide of a really sick patient, the weariness of the family and friends who manage to buck up and take the pain, hiding their sorrow as Hutch does, until those little private moments when it all breaks through.

[...]

I had exactly the same response after I wrote Crab Sandwiches , so many people said the story worked as a catharsis for their own pain and I was so brave to have worked through my own -- except I had never known anyone who died in that way! But I was touched by the outpouring of emotion and release.

One of the things I really like about Inevitabilis is that Starsky accepts that he will die -- and forces Hutch to face that possibility. It's stark and true, many times the patient knows the truth long before family and friends accept that.

In 2014, the author wrote:

Thank you for taking the time to comment so often--I really looked forward to reading what affected you. When I was writing the story, it took so long that I had no idea the over all poignant-ness of the saga, but people would tell me they needed a whole box of Kleenex. Then a few years ago, I gave it a shining up, edited some misspelled words and missing commas and finally read it all through. I cried!

Excerpt

He still expected to see Starsky every moment, would turn his head to respond to something his lover said that was unheard by anyone else. When watching TV or reading the newspaper, he kept wanting to point out a beautiful actress or an interesting article to Starsky, and would be surprised not to find him sitting at the table eating a slice of disreputable day-old pizza. At night, he was afraid to move in the bed because then the true realization that Starsky wasn't there would sink in. He half wanted to sell the house to get away from the ghosts, and yet was afraid he'd forget some aspect of their lives if he did.

Podfic Interview

• Episode 13: Hutch Fans on the Floor (July 11, 2018)

Award

This story won a 2006 SlaSHies.

Reactions and Reviews

2004

They are in a relationship and their love is going to be tested in the most drastic way. One wrong move opens up a year of pain and sorrow. It was just a lump, just a broken leg, just a minor problem. It wasn't supposed to be like this, but it is. Starsky has cancer and nothing will ever be the same again. This isn't some thug on the streets that they can track down and put away, this is an invisible enemy that's taking away everything they love. How can you fight what you can't see?

Acceptional [sic] well written story!My compliments to this talented author!!!

It's indeed a story full of pain and sorrow and even days after reading it I felt strangely moved....it really touched my very soul.

It's a "death story", yes,but don't let that stop you from reading "Crab Sandwiches" cause it's also very much a story about LIFE and LOVE!

2013

Other then Flamingo's "Total Eclipse" I have never read something this long straight through. (although TE took two days...I "did" have to sleep!)

It is beautifully written; in character; you give the perfect amount of detail to what cancer sufferers...and their caregivers, go through; and you leave the reader knowing that there is so much more ahead then a happy Thanksgiving...the foreshadowing is almost too much to handle.

Isee I'm not the only one to have forgone sleep and even a meal or two, bei ng so. engrossed in this exquisitely crafted, beautifully touching love story. It may seem a bit strange, but the ugliness of the dise. ase and the suffering experienced by Starsky and Hutch both and their devotion to one another, are the very things that create the beauty of this story. I lost both of my parents much too early when they each lost their battle with lung cancer (only eight years apart). Cancer is so ugly as I've seen firsthand. Dawnwind did not exaggerate, nor did she candy-coat just how cancer ravages the body as well as the spirit.

I gave up trying to read this story without breaking into tears when less than several dozen pages into it I had already bawled like a baby three or four times! My husband of 37 years died in March of 2011 from kidney failure and a devastating infection that resisted all treatments - complications of diabetes. These were just as ugly and unrelenting as my parents' cancers.

Having a medical background, I have a sinking feeling Starsksy's and Hutch's ordeal is far from over! I almost dread reading the rest of this story, At the same time, I'm anxious to do so. I love these guys and hats it when bad things happen to them, but I want to see just how their love and devotion give them the strength and determination to survive against overwhelming odds. The end of either of them would be end of the other. Their souls, as well as their hearts are one.

Thank you tor sharing their story with us - their fan family, Sandy

Another great story, Dawnwind! I'm actually hoping that Hutch gets wounded or injured somehow so he can get some rest!

Very sweet fic, I really enjoyed this!

I've only had one story that I really, really didn't want to read, and that was "Crab Sandwiches" by Dawnwind. I knew it was a death fic, but after the sudden and accidental passing of a friend, I needed a release. I read it, wept, and thanked Dawn for helping me get out some of my pain. It was intense, and really well written.

Crab Sandwiches was one that took me a long time to read as well. I talked to Dawn about it first, and had some idea what to expect when I started reading. I was so wrong. The cancer Starsky had was the same type that my cousin had when she was twelve -- in the leg.

[...] the story helped me immensely.

I think writing and reading can help with grief, pain, etc. We all need an outlet, and sometimes crying just isn't enough. It's the same when you find another person who is suffering in the same way. That feeling of not being alone is the best remedy ever.

It definitely required tissues!

I find it fascinating that we fans are so connected to our heroes that we feel such real emotion when they suffer. When Hutch woke up and realized that Starsky was gone from this life, I could feel his loneliness or his 'bereftness', as if he were the only person left in the world. Sure, he had known for months that Starsky was going to die but until it happened...it's hard to put into words.

I like the way you brought Hutch through his anguish to a point where he could live again - the dream of Starsy and the envelope; the actual envelope from Evelyn Starsky. Evelyn Starsky! I'm sure Hutch will make it a point to talk to her.

I've always felt that if one of them died the other would waste away and die soon after, especially if the death was sudden and violent. But your story gave them time to deal with the inevitable and for Hutch to continue living, mainly because Starsky so wanted him to.

Yes, you did a magnificent job.

[...]

I loved your story! Now I'm reading some of your gen stuff.

Ok, first off, I want to let you know that I re-read this story again and again because it is probably, hands down, the best piece of Starsky & Hutch fiction I have ever read. I don't normally read slash, not because I have a problem with it or anything, but because I rarely see it with character's I could reasonably believe would enter into such a relationship, and I thought that was true for our dynamic duo. But you manage to capture the truth and beauty of their relationship in a way I've never seen before or since. I buy it, wholeheartedly, that Starsky and Hutch were head over heals, madly in love with each other and, more importantly, belonged that way. That I came to that conclusion is a testament to just how wonderful a writer you are.

I'm a bad reviewer, I rarely leave them - even on things I like - but I had to take a minute to (finally!) leave you a note here and let you know just how much I adore this story (and all the others of yours I've read) and let you know that I think you are one of the best Fan Fiction writers out there, in any genre, and that's sayin' something.

2016

Thank you so much for not ending with a death scene! I don't think i would have recovered. I'm exhausted by all this; the ups and downs for them both are bittersweet. The ultimate message I got was to live life in one' sown terms. I could really feel the pain from both sides. Such love is a gift.

This is, without question, the best book I have ever read! Not only in fandom but books of all kinds. I was drawn into the characters from the first page to the very last word, and lived the grief and joy they shared. You are a tremendous writer, and I hope you write professionally as well as here. If you don't the world is missing out on a fantastic author. Thank you for the smiles - and for the tears. Magnificent!

I'm wrung out, having finished this (and Book I) over 3-4 days. At times I felt like Hutch: Starsky's pain and his own pain were so realistically depicted that I too needed the down time. But I always came back.

You did a phenomenal job in showing all sides to the journey: medical, physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual. And not just for Starsky and Hutch, but for their friends, their chosen family--and the siblings dropping in too. You wove in the past with the present so naturally, especially Starsky's last chance to act like a cop and how they each experience a shifting sense of professional and personal identity (both what did change and what remained fundamental for them). Pain and healing, sorrow and anger, grief and joy, the characters lurching so believably from one to another, sometimes within the space of moments--it all worked so well that I was grateful for the final note as a reminder that there are plenty of other stories to read so that Starsky remains alive. I kept hoping that you would show how Hutch was coping after the funeral: I needed to see that and you wrapped up the story perfectly, both with what I was sure was coming and that last little surprise in the note from the dean that was so fitting. An extraordinary story, on so many levels! Bravo!

2017

Where to begin… I absolutely love this story. I read it once and it just wouldn’t leave me and so I am going through it again. For some reason I have not been wanting to read long stories. Until now. I could write pages as to why this story resonates deep within. It is real, it is human and most importantly it is very characteristic of S&H. I prefer Gen to Slash, only because I could never see the the duo going that route. I make the exception for death stories. Yes, I am a huge fan of them.

The romance between the guys works in this one. Not once did I feel it was mushy. Absolutely nothing is over done or under done. I love how Hutch calls Starsky ‘sweet boy’. To me from day one of seeing the show, Hutch has had that ‘big brother/protective’ streak in him for S, and S that boyish trait. Of course the tables turn at times and that is the beauty of their relationship.

I love how they are both hugely struggling with every aspect of this cancer diagnosis. The tough and progressive journey to acceptance. Starsky wanting to protect Hutch when he can...so Starsky. There are times they just want to each be alone, they want to run away from the overwhelming circumstances.

The few times you project into the future with a nostalgic twist into the past grips my heart, such as Hutch thinking how years later he would remember that instant every time he heard the tinkly Mickey Mouse theme. Those moments take my breath away. Again, never over done, just perfect. Too many of those would not work as well and it is not the case in your story.

I think I stayed away from long stories because I am not a fan of a lot of details. The details in this story work. They are often emotional, meaningful, warm and intimate, and capture the essence of the guys so perfectly. I am drawn to emotionally packed stories, I am not a fan of case stories, and so this story is right down my alley.

I love the ending. The dream of the letter, the dean called Starsky… very plausible. Life messaging its beings. The other moments Hutch ‘hears’ Starsky, even through their cat Pansy laughing at her son L'Chaim?? The grieving, the deep sadness are there, while glimpses of hope and joy can be seen. Thank you thank you for such an incredible story. You are a wonderfully gifted writer. It comes from the heart and so that is where it touches its readers. I know I will hit submit and start thinking of something else I should have mentioned… Michelle xox

2019

I have to admit that I have avoided reading this story for the last few years. But a good friend recently convinced me to read it, so I started it last week, and I just now finished. It is one of the most beautifully crafted stories I’ve ever read! Plus one of the most loving, caring, funny, sad, emotional stories I ever remember reading. I am so glad I read it, to have experienced all the emotions this story evoked in me. But the most overwhelming emotion of all was love-love of a friend, love of a partner, love of a spouse. It was there in every word. Thank you for writing such a heartfelt story of our boys.

2020

Oh. My. Goodness. I am not a crier. I am very stoic and very "stiff upper lip" as my family tells me I have a cold heart. But I hold it in until I am alone, then have a good cry. This story, I swore I read before many, many years ago. But this time reading, I found it the same, yet strangely different. Yes, it took me a week to read because I had...I HAD...to keep walking away from it...but also was absolutely drawn to finish it. Lord, it ripped my heart in two. Yes, the tears flowed. Yes, it kept me awake at night, picturing in my mind the story in scenes like a movie. Needless to say, I had to wait a couple days to write this to make sure I captured how it made me feel. My heart ached for Hutch. I could not imagine having to witness and partake in what he went though losing the love of his life. And Starsky, being so brave to take control knowing it meant sure death. Wow. Here I go thinking I could write a coherent comment and I am getting all caught up again. So...just know this story will be with me for awhile. Thank you for sharing it!

If you don't mind M/M, there is a legendary Starsky & Hutch novel that we fans love/damn the author for writing.

2021

To be honest, on starting, I didn’t even realise it was a death fic, (not that I would have been put off), I just looked for writers and word counts and went with it. How glad and touched I am that I did.

On a practical level, even though I’m in the health profession, I now feel I know a thousand percent more about cancer and chemo than I ever did. On a canon level, I’m in awe of your observations on the series and your takes on them, to the extent that the histories and back stories you’ve created are now canon to me and always will be.

It was the romantic and emotional levels which hooked me however. The way Hutch never once lost his desire for Starsky was inspirational. The way Starsky constantly attempted to shield Hutch from pain, beautifully typified. The way the friends tried to help them and shoulder their burden - just lovely.

The thing however, the VERY THING that made this work so heartbreakingly compulsive, was Hutch’s sense of doom, his knowledge of Starsky’s final countdown, the fact that he couldn’t really enjoy anything fully with that timeclock ticking down on his shoulder.

I dearly hope there are people in the world that love each other as much as Starsky and Hutch did in your story and if there are, I admire and congratulate them. This is truly a beautiful masterpiece, Dawnwind and I’m honoured to have read it.

2022

This. is. spectacular. I'm not sure I could say anything more eloquent than all the other comments on book 1 or book 2. But in case you need to know again -- this is impactful and it is still being read. The story is beautiful and you take the viewer on an amazing journey. The dialogue is so "them", it is comforting in its familiarity of their voices in the readers head, as well as the bits of canon you have included. And yet it is also so new because of the places you take S&H. Your talents to draw the reader in, even though we may anticipate the end. As others have said -- the need to put it down, but then pick it back up and continue on the journey. I finished it yesterday and had to breath for 24 hours before I could comment. I started crying long before the end and had to take breaks as I couldn't read through the tears. Your talents as a writer -- aside from the fandom are incredible. Your talents as a writer in the fandom -- pulling in bits of canon and creating truly plausible stories and characters that could have been canon -- are beautiful. I'm glad (as you have mentioned) that you have returned to read it since writing/re-writing it, and know it has impact. And the music -- all so perfect and era-related. I could hear them all. Not that I would ever imagine Hutch getting a tattoo - but almost like to think he did get a tattoo with "You know my heart, there's nothing else to say. I love you." 12 words -- perfect. Now -- how can you convince someone to do a vid with the Beatles "I Will"? Thank you -- and yes -- I will keep reading, your fics and others as well!

A longfic and the biggest tearjerker of them all. Make sure to nvest in tissues before you read this one.

2023

A longfic and the biggest tearjerker of them all. Make sure to invest in tissues before you read this one.