A Lecture from the Convention Lady
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| Title: | A Lecture from the Convention Lady |
| Creator: | Catherine Mori |
| Date(s): | December 1992 |
| Medium: | |
| Fandom: | all fandoms, but with a focus on Star Trek: The Next Generation fans |
| Topic: | |
| External Links: | |
| Click here for related articles on Fanlore. | |
A Lecture from the Convention Lady is a 1992 how-to, instructional scold by Catherine Mori.
It was published in Data Base v.1 n.2, a Star Trek: TNG zine. That publication had a focus of the appearances of Brent Spiner at cons and of fans' con reports. Fan behavior was a common topic in the articles and letters, due to actual poor fan behavior as well as Spiner's complicated relationship with fandom, fan clubs, and fans.
Some Topics Discussed
- good fans and bad fans
- makes the assumption that the majority, if not all, fans are female
- Rule 1: you are a stranger to the guest of honor
- Rule 2: don't dare your friends to ask embarrassing questions
- Rule 3: don't diss the other guests of honor
- Rule 4: don't ask long, personal questions
- Rule 5: don't ask trivial questions
- Rule 6: don't shriek and swoon
- Rule 7: don't squeal out loud comments like, "He's cuuuuute"
- Rule 8: don't shout things out to the guest on the stage
- Rule 9: don't ask guest to pose for a photo with you as it wastes everybody's time
- Rule 10: don't ask guest to hug or kiss you
Excerpts
The Convention Lady recently attended a Star Trek convention at which she witnessed a great deal of unseemly behavior. Frankly, the Convention Lady was appalled. Those of you who know The Convention Lady know that she is far more accustomed to appalling others than to being appalled herself - obviously this behavior was very bad indeed. While The CL is confident that no one associated with an upstanding publication like Data Base would ever indulge in such wanton acts, she felt it was her duty as a convention-attending citizen to outline some guidelines for civilized convention behavior. The readers of Data Base may freely appropriate these rules and share them with any con attendees who do not appear to understand the finer points of polite behavior. If the offending parties do not listen to your sage advice, you have The Convention Lady's permission to kick them in the shins.
Please remember that the Honored Guest on the stage does not know you. While you may have a feeling that you know him/her, this is
an illusion caused by the fact that this individual has been in that little box in your living room for the past (six or twenty-six) years. Keep in mind that this individual does in fact have a life and identity unrelated to the one you see on the little box. Actually, you are speaking to a total stranger. Before you speak, consider how weird, scary, or just plain stupid you may look to the stranger you are addressing. It is in very poor taste to scare the hell out of the guest of honor.
Don't dare your friends to ask rude personal questions. It might seem hysterical to you at the time, but all you are doing is putting a total stranger in an awkward situation. The Convention Lady isn't suggesting that you behave as if you are addressing royalty -- nobody expects you to curtsey (well, maybe William Shatner does . . . ) and there is no need to be obsequious. Just ask yourself if you would enjoy answering the same question in front of a couple of thousand strangers. Would you feel like a complete fool? So will your intended victim. Is that what you want to do to someone you claim you admire?
Be good to ALL the guest speakers. Don't make loud remarks to your friends, such as "I don't care about HIM, I'm just waiting to see so-and-so." It is rude, nearly as rude as getting up and walking out in the middle of someone's presentation. The Convention Lady has witnessed the ultimate rudeness: the Combination Snotty Comment/Walkout. The Convention Lady would like to see all guests armed with phasers set to kill and given carte blanche to smoke any obnoxious audience members committing the CSC/W. Unfortunately, The Convention Lady is limited to—giving them extremely dirty looks and tripping them when she gets the chance.
Don't ask multi-part convo luted questions or tell endless personal anecdotes. If you want to share a personal story with a guest, write a letter. While many convention speakers have developed extraordinary skill at deciphering complicated questions, or at least faking a good answer, on behalf of the rest of the audience, The Convention Lady would like to say, "Huh?"
Don't ask the actors nitpicking technical trivia questions. The Convention Lady doesn't know how to break this to you, but these people really do not come from the twenty-fourth century. They are as clueless as you are about how molecular transport supposedly works, maybe more so - it's not their job to know those things. If you do ask them a complex technical question, don't act insulted when you get a smart aleck answer. Try saving those questions for the guest speakers who would know the answers - you know, the ones you keep walking out on
Now we arrive at the more delicate area of convention misbehavior.
The Convention Lady has witnessed behavior at recent conventions which she once thought only took place at bachelorette parties serving unlimited quantities of Long Island Iced Tea. For some reason, a particular male actor tends to incite some highly uncivilized behavior among the females in the audience. The following rules apply to those overly-stimulated females.
Don't shriek and swoon - it annoys the hell out of the people around you. Nobody thinks it's charming. This isn't a Monkees concert and you aren't fourteen anymore. The bona fide fourteen year olds in the audience are too mature to act that way. They are giving you dirty looks, too.
The Convention Lady has heard comments between women in the audience which would have been considered in poor taste in Chippendales - delivered in voices which easily carried as far as the stage. Nobody likes being discussed like a piece of meat - if the females making these remarks were on the receiving end of such crude commentary, they would be highly offended. Furthermore, the rest of the audience paid to see and hear the guest on the stage, not you. Behave accordingly - keep your hormones under control. You're grossing us out.