Vampires Saved My Soul... after Marion Zimmer Bradley tried to kill it.
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| Title: | Vampires Saved My Soul... after Marion Zimmer Bradley tried to kill it. |
| Creator: | Dianne Sylvan |
| Date(s): | October 15, 2008 |
| Medium: | online |
| Fandom: | Marion Zimmer Bradley |
| Topic: | |
| External Links: | Dancing Down the Moon: Vampires Saved My Soul..., Archived version |
| Click here for related articles on Fanlore. | |
Vampires Saved My Soul... after Marion Zimmer Bradley tried to kill it. is a 2008 essay by Dianne Sylvan.
Some Topics Discussed
- receiving an unnecessarily cruel rejection letter from Marion Zimmer Bradley
- the love of writing
- early Pagan websites: "Good god, Pagan websites used to suck. Remember MIDI files of Enya and spinning flaming pentacles? Black star-flecked background with violent purple lettering in 20 point font? Remember when cut-and-pasting Scott Cunningham was all you had to do to make your Geocities site popular"
- moving past rejection
- fan fiction as a creative outlet
- Marion Zimmer Bradley's book, The Mists of Avalon
- the power of mentors, of words
From the Essay
My sophomore year I got a fantasy story printed in a Mercedes Lackey fanzine, and I thought I was hot shit. Actually, I was hot shit; I was talented and I knew it, and I had plans for novel after novel dancing in my head. My English teacher loved me -- in fact he read the entire 26 page story out loud to our class over the course of a week.
My junior year everything changed.
Our teacher gave us a fairly simple assignment: write a short story and send it to a magazine, anthology, or other publishing outfit just for the experience of rejection. (She didn't say that last bit, but even at 16 I knew how the publishing business works.) Since I wrote almost exclusively pretentious high fantasy with female protagonists, there was really only one person to send it to: Marion Zimmer Bradley, editor of the Sword and Sorceress series as well as her own fantasy magazine.
Now, keep in mind that I had no illusions about this story getting published. Grownup professionals jockey for slots in fantasy anthologies. The genre is ridiculously slim, sexist, and cutthroat, and like any fiction no novel will ever see print without an agent lobbying hard for it. I knew that. In fact, I was embarrassed at having to do the assignment, and I made sure to tell MZB in my cover letter that I was doing this for a high school project and that I was only 16. (My teacher didn't see the cover letter.) To this day I don't even remember what the story was about; I'm sure it was awful by my current standards, but pretty good for a teenager.
The rejection arrived, but it wasn't the form letter I expected. MZB, a respected crone of the fantasy world, had written me a personal reply.
The letter told me I was a terrible writer and that I should stop wasting her time.
I'm not kidding.
It went on at some length about how horrible the story was, how unbelievable; the characters were shallow, the plot nonexistent, and I should give up writing right now.
If I hadn't burned the letter years ago I would scan it to show I'm telling the truth, but this was 15 years ago, and I was so upset that I had to get the letter out of my sight. I cried for days. I vacillated between rage and shame for months.
And I quit writing.
I did class assignments without bothering to polish them to my former shine. I threw away my binders of notes and scenes. Every time I tried to start a story I just kept seeing those words in my mind, and all the inspiration drained out of me.
I hated that woman for a very long time. In fact, I'm ashamed to say that I laughed when I heard she died.
It wasn't until I was 20 that I tried again, and I did it in secret, like a sticky-fingered teenager at the mall. I was living alone for the first time in my life and battling one of many depressive episodes when I discovered something on the internet: fan fiction.
As a teenager I had devoured any and all young adult novels connecting romance and vampires. There were certain books and series that I adored beyond all reason. All of them had fandoms. I started reading the fics, and had two realizations:
One: 80% of fan fiction sucks.
Two: I could do much, much better.
Before long I was knee-deep in a world I'd abandoned, and I had my own following complete with awards and teenage girls emailing me daily wanting new installments. I was hooked. The gratification and the creative outlet were like a drug.
I can't imagine my life without writing. It's so much a part of who I am, what I do, and how I relate to the world. I even narrate things as they happen in my life (she said) and scrawl down interesting turns of phrase on napkins to stuff into my purse. I haven't written a novel yet, but I write fiction constantly, and yes, it's still about vampires, but you have to start somewhere.
To think that I almost let some mean old woman stop me from doing the one thing I loved above all else -- the thought makes me shudder. Maybe MZB was having a bad day and took it out on me; maybe she skimmed the part where I said I was sixteen and wasn't really trying to dash the aspirations of a young writer. Or maybe she was just a bitch -- I don't know. I never met her personally and I certainly never tried to contact her again.
What brought this story out tonight, you ask? Well, a few years ago I decided to bite the bullet and read The Mists of Avalon. I figured it was considered gospel by so many feminist Pagans out there I ought to at least have read it. Not to mention, I liked the miniseries in spite of its wobbly acting and atrocious dialogue (I told S1ren we should create a drinking game where every time Morgaine says "my little brother Arthur" you have to take a shot); seeing Goddess worship on screen, especially embodied by the regal and beautiful Anjelica Huston, was surprisingly affecting. I've always had a deep longing for a college of priestesses or a Pagan monastery, and the story met that longing with homemade forehead tattoos and nifty dip-dyed costumes.
I never did finish the book -- I got about halfway through it and lost interest. Tonight, however, I was at Half Price and found a copy for two dollars, and something made me want to give it another try. I think I'm tired of holding grudges -- fifteen years is a long time to be angry about something, even if it was that traumatic. Those formative adolescent experiences can really fuck you up, can't they? But I decided that I wanted to make MZB a peace offering, even posthumously; I want to see if distance and time allow me to enjoy the book without my personal prejudices. It's part of my letting go program, I guess you could say. I'll be sure and mention how it turns out when I've finished the book, assuming I do this time.
Fan Comments
2008
For what it's worth, this late, it wasn't just you. I have a dear friend who had an identical experience with a submission to Sword and Sorcery: a personal, perfectly nasty rejection note from MZB. It set my friend back for quite a while, but she was here for a visit today with a copy of her second published book to give me.
I don't know what the deal was with MZB; some of her stuff was really important for me over the years, but retrospectively that has been tarnished by her treatment of others. Sad. - Hraefna
Let me preface this by saying that MZB's rejection letter to you was not constructive criticism, nor am I trying to defend the way she chose to write her rejection letters. She was not a healthy woman, even fifteen years ago. She had already suffered a few strokes, and by the time you read the introductions to the last handful of Sword and Sorceress anthologies, you can tell that her brain was little more than Swiss cheese. I've read many of her books, and some you can tell that she wrote that book because she needed a paycheck. Just to shed a little light on possible reasons, like I said, NOT a defense. - ariandalen
So pleased you didn't let MZB's nastiness silence you - I love your writing & look forward to your posts here. I read The Mists of Avalon way back in the day, in my teens, and was inspired by her distaff spin on the "Matter of Britain." Cut to 10 years later - having been on the Path a good few years - I found too many Christian contradictions in her Pagan Priestess for my liking. Still, the idea rings sweet & true. Cue the Roxy Music ... "dancing, dancing / Avalon" - Lady Jake
Your story reminded me of the Gilmore Girls episode where Rory was doing a summer internship at a newspaper. At her evaluation, the editor (also her boyfriend's father) told her that she was not cut out for journalism and that she would never make it. This crushes Rory and she doesn't go back to Yale that fall and does a number of things before realizing that she wasn't going to let anyone stand in her way, gets herself back into Yale, ends up as editor of the Yale Daily News. I love when stuff like this happens in real life, well not the getting ripped part, but the girl wins in the end part. Thanks for sharing! - Veleda Spakona
What an awful note from someone you clearly respected! I'm SO glad to see that you didn't let it stop you.
Your story also got me thinking: Would a 16-year-old young man have felt the same way? Does our society condition young women to give up when they are abused, which is really what MZB did to you in that letter? - Jo
Older writers, sometimes, eat the young writers. It's a natural selection thing, to eliminate future competitors. - Pitch313
Yes, 15 years ago she was apparently suffering a from ill health. I also wonder if it wasn't her perverse way to get you to try harder. Perhaps she saw promise and thought to goad you (and the other submitter) into fighting back. Which you and Hraefna's friend both did in spades. - Racu
Isn't it interesting how the Gods come to us and test our commitment and dedication to a chosen path. MZB played her part in your spiritual development pitch perfectly. She made you lose belief in yourself - which makes HER a spiritual grace. She may have been ill; but the energies she embodied were firing on all cylinders. The peace offering you make is not to MZB but to yourself for not recognising who the Teacher was when you were very young.
Blessed Bee - Alias Grace
(((HUGS))) I hate to hear what MZB did to you, but I'm really glad it didn't silence you forever! I feel like I've really missed out, I had awesome opportunities at school for some free voice training...but when my parents told me "you can't sing for sh*t" and "Please shut up I can't handle the sound of your voice"...there went my dreams of singing.
I found myself in a chorus in my Senior year. With a director who gave me a ton of personal attention and thought I had a lovely voice. I wish I'd met him sooner.
Never let anyone make you regret!!!!
And keep writing!!! Vampires are da shexy. :D - Danmara
Awww, sod her. Mists of Avalon isn't that great anyway. :) - Aradia
My intro to MZB was also stressful, but not because she wrote me a nasty letter.
I was working at a life-sucking hole of an office down in Tennessee, and during my lunch break I wandered into the conference room, which was lined with full bookshelves.
I saw Mists of Avalon on the shelf and thought this was an unusual title to find in a square-assed office, so I pulled it off the shelf and began to read it while eating my lunch.
The boss walked by and yelled at me for READING A BOOK off the shelf - he said he paid good money to have a decorator put them up there, and he didn't want me messing up the display.
!!!
Anyway, I really loved Mists of Avalon, and the sequels... sorry to hear the woman who wrote them was such a biotch to you. - Marcheline
... I must add that after I saw The Mists of Avalon for the first time in my sophomore year of high school, I paraded around with a little moon of my forehead for weeks...(people kept asking me if it was a banana) - Rowan
2010
I also got one of those lovely letters from MZB. She didn't tell me not to write again, just that my submission to S&S was "objectionable". How objectionable was it? Strong female swordswoman saves helpless young man from the fate worse than. Or tries to; she's too late. Yep, her female characters get brutalized in ways Caligula never thought of, but one mention of male rape and she didn't even finish the story.
This from a woman who pimped little boys to her husband. No seriously.
It's not you. It's SO not you. Write your stories; each one is a victory. - Arlenecharris
Similar Essays
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