Touching and Touched (Star Trek: TOS story by Elwyn Conway)

Fanfiction
Title:	Touching and Touched
Author(s):	Elwyn Conway
Date(s):	1987
Length:
Genre(s):	slash
Fandom(s):	Star Trek: TOS
Relationship(s):	Kirk/Spock
External Links:
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Touching and Touched is a Kirk/Spock story by Elwyn Conway.

It was published as part of a serial in Nome.

Series

• A Mission's End ("Parted from Me" Book 1, Nome #5)
• Earthbound ("Parted from Me" Book 1, Nome #5)
• And Never Parted ("And Never Parted" Book 2, Nome #6, #7, #8)
• Never and Always ("Never and Always" Book 3 is made up of two stories, "What Are Friends For?" and "When Legends Meet," Nome #9)
• Touching and Touched (Nome #10)
• Genesis Aftermath (Nome #11)

Summary

"Now together, Kirk and Spock discover a deeper meaning to their relationship through the intervention of a "seer.""

"The crew of the Enterprise is still on the planet Llan'Karrin enjoying the mystique of its people. This part of the story includes McCoy's efforts to comfort Christine Chapel uhen she finally admits that Spock loves Kirk and will never return her affection."

Gallery

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  title page

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  art by the author

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  art by the author

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  art by the author

A Last Minute Addition

The last ten pages of the story, labeled a1-a10, were added after the initial printing. The editors add this note at the end of the first part of the story:

Two pages back, you probably thought you were at the end of a story. And you're probably gritting your teeth and saying, "What a place to end!" Well, as it turns out, that isn't the end. We just thought it was.

Deadlines are terrible things, and show no mercy whatsoever. Elwyn had sent us her story, as it appears thus far; we wrote back, our eyes on the calendar, asking, "Is there any more?" We didn't hear anything right away, and since we had to make it to the printer by a certain date (which we were already late for), we reluctantly decided that we would just have to go with what we had. The zine was taken to the printer on a Wednesday. Murphy and his law lurked around the corner. On Saturday, a package arrived containing the illo to your left and another 11 manuscript pages of story-completed story. A general hysteria ensued.. .for the next few moments anyway. When we calmed down, we, of course, agreed with Elwyn's observation: "This type of writing and drawing is very painstaking, and it takes as long as it takes."

But the question was: What to do? The zine was already at the printer's, and we were fearful of throwing him this kind of curve at this stage of the game. At the same time, holding the new material and illustration until next year was not a viable option either. So . . . we decided that, rather than leave you, the reader, hanging, we would have this new section printed elsewhere and incorporate it into the finished product when we received the zine from the printer. This did, unfortunately, mean that a beautiful piece of Caren Parnes's art, mentioned in the table of contents, had to be bumped, but it will be in the next issue o f NOME - we're sorry, Caren! We have done everything possible under the circumstances (thanks again, Caren!) to maintain the same production quality we strive for in the zine as a whole. We apologize for any frustration caused, and trust that this interruption will fade into the background as the story continues. . . .

The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Writer

In the 1980s, the large distance between the United States and Australia, the latter where Elwyn Conway lived, was made even more vast by the fact that before today's almost instantaneous fannish communication, fans had to rely on the extremely expensive long distance phone call and/or the handwritten letter which took weeks to arrive at its destination. This meant that for Conway, feedback was slow and sparse, if present in any great amount at all. Considering that this series was written over at least a six year period, it is amazing that she persevered as she did.

In 1988, Conway sent this letter to Nome #11's newly-established LoC feature:

I just want to say how much I appreciated the LoCs you printed in the last issue, and especially the comments on my story, both positive and negative. You may remember, three or four years ago, when I said it was like writing into a vacuum, not getting any feedback, not knowing what people liked or disliked. Now your invitation to your readers to write LOCS has produced an abundance of feedback, and I'm very grateful for it. It was overwhelmingly encouraging, and sometimes quite touching. Before. I wasn't sure whether people understood or empathized with what I was trying to convey in my story. Now I am quite sure that many people do, and I would like to thank them for taking the time and trouble to say so.

Reactions and Reviews

[This story is a] contribution is the fourth in a series of pre-relationship stories. This one introduces an interesting character alien culture which allow Kirk and Spock time and perspective to examine their developing intimacy.

TOUCHING AND TOUCHED, by (you guessed it) Elwyn Conway, What can I say about Elywn's ongoing saga - except that wherever she's going with this, it is a fascinating journey. Some stories need a well-defined plot -beginning, middle and end, to hold the interest. Elwyn has created a place here, wherein move our favorite beloved characters. A place so interesting we want to linger - are in no hurry to find out where they're going. Elwyn's imagery of contact with Eternity is brilliant - written as only one who has had the experience. I was sorry to see it end, but end it does, in this issue, with an editorial note on how close we came to having to wait another year for the end of the story. You spin a great yarn, Elwyn. When's the sequel?

[a fan compares Elwyn Conway's series in relation to the other stories in this zine regarding a theme]: [The first story, One More Door]: My favorites are long term lovers, yes, but their relationship is not complete until they produce a child (by McCoy's genetic manipulation) and this baby is delivered in the most "natural" way possible. The story seems to imply that the relationship cannot be considered as complete in itself but must be ratified in (what is in this century) a heterosexual manner. Michele Arvizu's "An Easier Time" seems to produce the same answer to the problem. The post-Voyage Home pair have no relationship and, it seems, cannot have one until Spock has had sex and converse with Saavik. Only through her can he learn to accept and later voice his love for Kirk. "He thought of his time with Saavik. She had given all this to him. She had put things in perspective, made him feel unique, special, loved. Given him the courage to speak of love to Jim and the chance to reinvent himself." So again, homosexual love has been somehow verified by heterosexuality.

Michele's other story, Ampersand, echoes the theme. Although not primarily K/S, it is made clear that Spock cannot begin to understand Jim without detailed reference to McCoy and particularly Uhura (with whom at one stage he wishes to spend the night). "Sea Change" approaches the dilemma more easily, but even here the intervention of a female is needed, albeit of Gracie, the whale! Barbara is, however, more comfortable with her characters; Kirk and Spock were lovers before Genesis. Flora Poste's "Mirror Allegiance" is A/U and therefore not subject to quite the same criteria, but Kirk and Spock still agonize desperately over the simple fact of sex, this in a universe of extreme sophistication. Still, we don't have the he's-heterosexual-he-can't-possibly tangle.

The story that is the keystone of the argument is "Touching and Touched." Her heroes are heterosexual and she states this firmly and often. For example. Kirk says of himself and Sulu, "He'd never been sexually attracted to any man and wasn't about to make an exception now." Elwyn seems to need to explain and vindicate Kirk and Spock's love time after time. It is spiritual, overpowering, different from that of any other couple, "A love that transcends sex" and finally is blessed and sanctioned by a guru figure, the Etifa. Having gone carefully through the zine, it seems to me that NOME 10 is quintessential of the 80's. There is no matter of fact approach. (A British writer once defined the ultimate K/S story as, "the red alert goes, Kirk and Spock jump out of bed and get on with the adventure.") There are no established stories (and very few at all in K/S). Is this the result of the Puritan backlash of AIDS? Is this why there are still so many first time stories?

Thought this story was a little flat, as it was just a stepping stone from the last installment to the next one. Only the last few paragraphs were important, and they left me sighing deeply and thinking, "How they're finally going to get to do it I" (Please don't disappoint us, Elwyn.) The Etife is a lovely character, but I'd glad he isn't going to be able to make it into a three-way.

Yes, I've enjoyed her saga, but "Touching and Touched" was too much of the same thing. " Never and Always" was WONDER-ful—"T & T" was too long, maybe twenty-five pages worth. I really want the story to move on, not necessarily that Kirk and Spock find their resolution this minute, but that they and crew be back in their own reality. A reality that does not exclude that beingess so clear in "T & T," instead is that and more. K/S and fandom are, to me, the obvious extensions of the original TV series; to dwell totally in the sublime is "not logical," given all that has gone on before.

For a few years now, I've been buying two copies of NOME each year for the express purpose of being able to take one apart and put all of the story together in a separate book. After spending scads of cash on back issues that were out of print and that I've obtained by outbidding others at auctions, I have finally succeeded in having all the installments together. And I've read and reread it several times.

Having to wait a year for the next part of the story is the cause of the readers being dismayed, I think. Reading the whole thing all at once makes a remarkable difference to your perspective of the story. Since it flows smoothly without interruption, the ambivalence of the characters doesn't seem to aggravate you so much. And the introspection in parts of the story doesn't seem so out of proportion to the rest of the tale, but blends in appropriately.

Needless to say, I wouldn't have gone through all this trouble and expense if I didn't believe this story was worth it.

Elwyn Conway is writing probably one of Trek Fandom's finest tales. She's a magnificent writer. Her gift with words is unbelievable. The main personalities are for the most part in character—especially McCoy— and the other people she's invented are delightful-—even Godfrey Dent. He's so obnoxious he's almost likable. And I love Stivik! I'll have a hard time ever forgetting the scenes she described on Styroa. She actually puts you there with her uncanny descriptive ability. I am, however, having a hard time with the Etife, especially as he's described in this latest installment. "Love gurus" turn me off. And I agree with Kirk when he exclaims, "Oh, God, what's happening to me? To all of us?" I'm wondering what's happening to all of them too. I sincerely hope they're not all heading for one of those appalling "groupie love-ins." That would be ghastly I The "menage-a-trois" (sort of) that occurred among Spock, Kirk, and the Etife was a bit much for me to take. God help them if whatever is happening to them affects the entire crew on their way home. But I guess, like the rest, I have to wait for the next issue.

So, I really think you should publish the entire story in one piece—after you publish the next installment of course. I don't think I could wait more than a year to read it. And I do really believe that the fans would really like it all together, and appreciate it more. But, please, don't reduce the print!

It is frustrating to have several parts "to be continued," for those living in Britain in particular, as getting the next copy of NOME is a very expensive and awkward business. Through friends I have been able to borrow past NOMEs to catch up on the story so far. I, too, enjoyed the action on Styros II, especially the canyon flight, although it could smack of Luke Skywalker flying with the Force 1 On the whole, Elwyn keeps "our" characters true and distinguishable from other sci-fi creations. I have read several "should we or shouldn't we K/S stories, some of which were unintentionally hilarious. Poor Sulu at the big dance— flailing about like with James T., rather difficult to recover one's dignity, eh what? Unlike some critics of the series, I enjoy the "thinking" Kirk or Spock or McCoy do. The films cannot indulge in this kind of scene (voice-over, say) or dialogue between characters, therefore the films leave me dissatisfied. There has been no emotional catharsis for anyone, either in the Star Trek universe or for their audience. Sometimes the meaningful looks are not enough." This is why

Ms. Conway's series is such a delight. The Etife and her/his Shangri-la were interesting, although in the hands of a lesser writer could have become laughable. All the kissing and canoodling in NOME 10, and sobbing because the Enterprise had to leave, came perilously close to excess. This is ay own particular pet peeve, as I'm a firm believer in mind melds transcending anything the flesh might have to offer. Anyone can indulge in fleshly activities, and Kirk has his wealth of indulgences, but a star meld—now you're talking gratification! So I find the 'should we, shouldn't we' argument gets a bit ridiculous. "Let's get on the couch and join hands— wow!" I suppose pictures of fully clothed people clutching heads with black tape over their eyes (to hide the ecstasy, of course) would not be as interesting?

I found the dance, with everybody falling into each other's arms declaring undying love and affection, eyes filling with tears, quite traumatic. My chief complaint, as with many Star Trek stories, is that no one seems to need a support bra in the future—no doubt I'm being petty, jealous even? To our ancestors we'd all look too gorgeous to be true, and that doesn't count inner beauty from all that tolerance and peace we've learned since 1776. Ms. Conway's series is so good it stimulates us all to think and care not just about our local, friendly Star Trek characters, but about our own lives. It is good to live an examined life rather than an unexamined one. Thank you, Ms. Conway, and all who make NOME so special.

"Touching and Touched - Genesis Aftermath: Before the Search" by Elwyn Conway (60 pages) - After Spock's death, Kirk and McCoy are not quite themselves for one night...or are they? A bit like in the story in "As I do Thee 2", this is a story taking place in one night.

Kirk and Spock had been lovers, though not outed, and Kirk has a very hard time right after the events of ST II. McCoy comes to him and a very complicated scene evolves, between comforting, hurt, going forward and backwards...they make love eventually, but McCoy doesn't remember in the morning. When he asks Kirk about the night, Kirk lies and says they hadn't had sex, deciding that correcting a lie later might be less bad than inflicting a complex truth upon an already confused McCoy.

"I really wouldn't have minded, you know," McCoy said almost wistfully. "I know," Kirk responded huskily, "neither would I," and hugged him again.

Personally, I love this story but really could live without the ending which feels like cheating away from the inevitable K/S/Mc development that would evolve otherwise. Kirk and McCoy clearly state their love for each other, which doesn't equal that between Kirk and Spock, but has a quality of its own. Excerpt:

Inevitably their mouths met, lips touched and trembled and melted against one another in a fervent, frantic little kiss, then just inevitably separated as self-consciousness smote them simultaneously. They huddled together, trembling with sweet shock. "Oh, God," McCoy gasped softly. "I love you," Kirk whispered impulsively. "I'm not Spock," McCoy moaned despairingly. "You don't have to be." Kirk kissed him again, sweet and thoroughly. "I love you," he said again, and meant it. "And I love you too, damn it!" McCoy declared, uttering the words openly for the first time ever in all their years together, and kissed him right back.

I also loved the following image and could rely to the situation...

From time to time throughout those years of his love affair with Spock, Kirk had tacken a wicked delight in teasing McCoy unmercifully, mocking his voyeuristic fascination with their love, and testing out the limist of their platonic but increasingly tender relationship by making his outrageous propositions, whispering libidinous suggestions to him, and wantonly inviting him to his bed. McCoy had treated these dubious invitations with exactly the seriousness they had deserved, which had been none whatsoever. "You never meant it before," McCoy muttered.[...] "I do so, now, though." Kirk kissed his face[...]

All in all, highly recommended story! Would I buy the whole K/S zine for it - yes.