The Professionals FanFic Drinking Game

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Fanwork
Title: The Professionals FanFic Drinking Game
Creator: Lynn C., Alexfandra and other members of the Virgule-L mailing list
Date(s): July 1993
Medium: online
Fandom: The Professionals
External Links:
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In response to the The Professionals Drinking Game developed by members of the Virgule-L mailing list in 1993, , Lynn C., Alexfandra and others developed one of the more innovative fannish drinking games - a solo 'drink while reading fanfiction' drinking game (aka The Professionals FanFic Drinking Game). The game makes gentle (and sometimes not so gentle) fun at many fandom specific tropes and writing quirks appearing in Pros fanficton over the previous 15+ years. Below is the drinking game as originally posted by Lynn C. to the mailing list on July 14, 1993. It is quoted with permission.

The Initial Game

"For those of us who have to drink alone: Drinking Game for Reading Pros Fanfic
1. Take a sip at the start if it's a sequel that supposed to be better than the prequel.
2. Sip at any of these nicknames: "The Cow," "angelfish," "sunshine," "mate," "golly."
3. Sip at "sod" or "sodding."
4. Sip at every dropped 'h' in Doyle's dialogue.
4a. Sip at every dropped subject phrase in either of their dialogue (e.g., "want you, Ray.")
5. Sip at mentions of malt whiskey.
6. Sip at descriptions of Doyle that involve green eyes, comparisons to cats, "sexy," "sensual," "slim."
7. Sip at descriptions of Bodie that involve blue eyes, muscular [body part], "creamy" skin, polo necks and/or cords
8. Sip if mercenaries are mentioned, especially mercs having sex with each other out in the bush
9. Sip at the word "copper"
10. Sip if Cowley has some internal monologue about how fond he is of the 'lads' or 'boys' despite their 'getting up his nose'
11. Sip if B or D tries to sound casual when inviting the other one to stay at his place for the night
12. Sip if they take a shower together 13. Sip if B has a massive hardon for D
14. If you live near Erszebet, sip when you get to the rape scene.
15. Two sips when you get to the missing page(s). Finish the glass if it's during a critical scene."

The Volley That Followed

Mailing list members began volleying suggestions back and forth furiously, each trying to outdo the other with more and more outrageous fanfic examples. By the time the exchange ended two days later, there was not a sober member left on the mailing list (with the exception of one list member whose modem fried trying to keep up with all the emails). The suggestions are presented en masse to simulate their overwhelming impact. To those playing along at home, feel free to down the entire bottle in lieu of reading this next section of wall o' text.

  1. Drink if the sequel has another sequel (or two, or three); two drinks if the sequel(s) aren't finished yet.
  2. Drink for anytime one of them tells the other one to "pack it in."
  3. Drink for any mention whatsoever of Macklin.
  4. Drink for anytime one of them picks up something recently worn by the other and smells it, or anytime one of them smells the bed pillow.
  5. Drink for anytime they're on holiday together and Doyle hauls out the sketchpad for an impromptu rendering of you-know-who. Two drinks if he hides it from Bodie afterwards. Three drinks if Bodie finds it and realizes instantly by looking at it that Doyle loves him.
  6. Drink if, following the first bout of AI, the first words out of the Penetrator's mouth to the Penetratee are "Did I hurt you?"
  7. Drink if they only manage to get partially undressed before passion overwhelms them. Two drinks if they end up doing it on the carpet.
  8. Drink if they start fixing breakfast the morning after the first time, and never finish breakfast.
  9. Drink if the first words out of Doyle's mouth the Morning After are "What are we going to tell Cowley?"
  10. Sip if Bodie gets described as having an "arrogant" mouth, and long eyelashes.
  11. Sip anytime B plays with D's curls
  12. Sip anytime anyone says "Aw" or "Oy."
  13. Sip anytime B acts overprotective of D or tries to stop himself from acting that way
  14. Sip whenever there is a reference to an episode event (two sips if you have no trouble remembering which one and the entire context for the ref.)
  15. Vomit if elves come into the picture, or the word "fey"
  16. Sip if D's curls are described as "auburn" or "burnished copper" [two sips for this since 'copper' is another keyword!] or "red-gold"
  17. Sip if D is sick and not letting on how sick he really is to B, two sips if his appendix bursts (I've seen two like this in a week)
  18. Bodie brushes his fingers over Doyle's damaged cheekbone.
  19. Bodie becomes "the big ex-merc".
  20. Doyle calls Bodie "Bodiemate" as one word. (Two drinks for each time Doyle encounters "the captivating aroma of Bodie-sweat".)
  21. Bodie twists a strand of Doyle's chest hair around his fingers.
  22. Either of them "knew instinctively what to do" to pleasure the other.
  23. Bodie runs his tongue over Doyle's chipped tooth.
  24. Doyle crosses to a window, drink in hand, and leans provocatively against the window frame to stare in a melancholy fashion at the gloomy rain.
  25. Doyle refuses to join Bodie on the divan, as he always used to, sitting stiffly in a chair instead, thus causing the tension in the room to become suddenly thick. (Two drinks if the tension in the room crackles instead of becoming thick.)
  26. Anytime one of them is missing and/or presumed dead for at least a week and then turns up barely alive, amnesiac, or at least unconscious and the other one goes to the hospital to comfort him and declare his true love but because he's been unable to sleep he instantly collapses, holding the loved one's hand tightly, dozing off while either slumped awkwardly in a chair beside the bed or even occasionally climbing into the bed, later to be discovered by either a nurse (who thinks they look terribly sweet), or a doctor (who finds it rather curious), or Cowley (who just stares hard until one of them wakes up and offers an embarrassed apology, at which point Cowley gruffly states, "I'll not have it interferring with your work" and retreats).
  27. Drink anytime B watches D pose anywhere, not just in front of the melancholy rain
  28. Drink whenever someone comments on Ray's tight little bum (Bodie or a merc or a biker about to rape him)
  29. Drink when mercs or bikers are main characters in the story
  30. Drink when the fanfic has been described as "angsty" or "very adult" or "steamy."
  31. Two sips if you know the author.
  32. Drink when D has a guilt complex about anything, especially about not 'giving' enough to B
  33. Drink if B gets on his case for having a guilt complex
  34. Drink whenever this construction comes up, especially in Pam Rose:
  35. "X made a Gaelic <y>," where X doesn't have to be Cowley, and <y> may be either a 'shrug' or a 'noise'. [This is my favorite stylistic tic so far.]
  36. The print on the circuit story tilts sideways down the page.
  37. One of 'em says "I wish we'd figured this out before--we've wasted so much time."
  38. More than three words per sentence have dropped letters, as in "What the fuckin' 'ell is 'appenin' around 'ere?"
  39. Bodie, traumatized by his discovery of lustful feelings for Doyle, quits CI5, goes on leave, or requests a change of partner while steadfastly refusing to give an explanation.
  40. It's revealed that Doyle's mum was a prostitute.
  41. Anyone from Bodie's old merc outfit turns up to cause havoc and/or jealousy.
  42. Bodie realizes, usually via flashback, that he first fell in lust and/or love with Doyle during their last double-date, which ended with all four of them in bed together, and Bodie got more excited watching Doyle than having it off with his bird.
  43. Random name-dropping of Lucas, McCabe, Stuart, or Anson. Two drinks if Anson smokes during the story.
  44. Any of Bodie's relatives turn out to be wealthy.
  45. Two drinks if one of them leaves him money.
  46. Three if Cowley leaves B&D money.
  47. After the glorious moment of fulfillment, they taste each other's semen.
  48. Two drinks if they're utterly entranced by the idea of their semen mingling.
  49. In order to avoid multiple sentences starting with "He", extensive use is made of the construction "Xing,...he....", as in "Walking across the room, he noticed the empty Scotch bottle on the floor. Wondering what it meant, he sat down to wait for his partner. Hearing the bath door open, he tensed in anticipation..."

And Now A Final Word From The Sponsor

In an effort to improve the efficiency and overall experience of the solo drinking game, Lynn C. later composed "The Ultimate Cliched Story."

"....I was thinking that with all the cliches Alex and I rounded up, I could write a computer program to generate the ultimate cliched Pros story. Then I decided it would be easier to just write it at work instead of programming it... Here is how it started, anyway, before I got too sick to my stomach. Like poor Doyle. There's something drinkworthy in EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE, and often more: ****************************

It had been a bad day: Bodie got the telegram at the office announcing the death of his sister the nun [!], who had left him a tidy sum of money, and Doyle had gotten soundly trounced in a bout with Macklin--probably due to the touch of flu he was trying to ignore. As they pulled up in front of his flat that evening, Doyle noticed his gut was still aching, but given his partner's distraction, he tried to keep his groans of pain to himself.

Doyle couldn't read what was going on in Bodie's sleek head from his opaque expression. Trying to sound casual, as he asked, "Want to stay at my place tonight? 'S alright, if you want to 'ave some company, y'know."

Bodie glanced fleetingly into green eyes. He smiled wistfully, and patted Doyle on the thigh. "Thanks, sunshine, that'd be nice."

"I'll make us some dinner, shall I, mate?" Doyle said inside, and bustled about in the kitchen domestically for a bit. Bodie poured himself a hefty malt whiskey from Doyle's bottle, and one for his partner.

They ate in near silence, vegetarian lasagne which Bodie found surprisingly good. Afterwards, Doyle took his drink and leaned against the window, watching the rain sheeting down in the back garden, feeling nauseous and melancholy. //'ow do i tell 'im 'ow I feel about 'im? This surely isn't the time, when 'is sister's just bought it, but 'e looks so delectable in that new polo neck and those fawn cords... 's bloody distracting, innit...//

Bodie, meanwhile, sipped his whiskey and watched Ray, impressed by his slim strength and the tight round arse that showed so well through those jeans. He recalled fondly those doubledates, in which he'd been so distracted by Ray's prowess in bed with his bird that he'd hardly been able to touch his own date; that body was sensual and sexy and couldn't be stopped once it got going. He wondered idly whether Lucas or McCabe or Stuart or Anson had the same fun dates with their partners, especially the way Anson smoked and his partner didn't. He suddenly realized he had a massive hardon, and it was due to staring at his partner's unconsciously provocative pose in front of that window. //My god, how do I tell him how I feel about him?//

Doyle padded over towards the couch, but at the last moment settled in a chair, instead of beside Bodie where he usually sat. The tension in the room crackled.

Bodie looked around for a distraction from Ray's sexy proximity, even on the chair several feet away; he found a sketchpad lying half under the couch and grabbed for it eagerly. "'S this some of your work, then, mate? Can I see?" Evading Doyle's clutching grab, he flipped through it and stopped on a self-portrait. "Look a bit like an elf here, doncha?" he grinned. Doyle looked green and about to be sick.

"Pack it in, 's mine, give it 'ere, you sod." Bodie made a rude Gaelic noise, a perfect imitation of the Cow's finest. But when he saw the next page, he paled, his blue eyes standing out startled and suddenly aware. It was a portrait of him [the big ex-merc], executed in loving detail, broad muscular shoulders, arrogant mouth, and long eyelashes rendered passionately every one.

Looking up with tears in his blue eyes, he said huskily, "Want you, Ray."

Startled green orbs melted...

... The rest of it goes predictably, of course: they have sex on the couch partly dressed, Ray flashes back to when he was raped by an ex-merc biker and Bodie penetrates him gently anyway, asks afterwards if he hurt him, Doyle wonders what the Cow will say, they go have a shower together and have more sex, they sleep together and Doyle notices how peaceful Bodie looks asleep, they have half a breakfast and then sex on the floor, and Doyle's appendix bursts. Doyle is in hospital at death's door for a week, Bodie is overwrought and tries to resign, but comes to see him at last and falls asleep holding his hand. Cowley finds them and thinks how fond of the lads he is, despite their ability to get up his nose, and tells them not to let their new relationship interfere with work."