Star Trek: The Lost Episode (audiofic)

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Fanwork
Title: Star Trek: The Lost Episode
Creator: unknown
Date(s): 1992
Medium: audio
Fandom: Star Trek: TOS
External Links: Love Trek: The Lost Gay Episode Downloads can be found all over the net: search for "The Lost Gay Episode".
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Star Trek: The Lost Episode is an audiofic. It is what audio engineers refer to as a "razortape". It is composed of soundbites from various episodes of Star Trek: The Original Series, edited together to create a "lost episode" in which Captain Kirk and Spock become lovers. Included are soundbites of Scotty seemingly becoming involved in the erotic goings-on.

Tapes of this nature date back to the earliest days of Star Trek fandom. The first such tape may have been the one created by M.L. "Steve" Barnes in the late 1960s, which was actually sent to Gene Roddenberry, who reportedly loved it. This tape is mentioned in 1972 where it was played at a room party attended by Dorothy Fontana. See more at The First Explicit Audiofic.

From Its Creators

Update 2021. My name is Eric Worden, and to this day, it astounds me how many people were exposed to and are aware of this morning radio "bit" that Mark Goodman and I created nearly 30 years ago. The audio, heard largely on YouTube posts and the line-by-line documentation (including episodic reference notes!) is, in fact incomplete...as the original version (actually one of THREE!) began with a specific reference to the Radio station of origin...which IS correct...KLCX FM in Eugene, Oregon.

Here's the story: Mark Goodman and I hosted the "Worden & Goodman" morning show in the early 90's on 104.7 KLCX. I was also the Program Director at the time, and KLCX was a rock station that today operates under the call letters KDUK (K-DUCK). Our station, over a three-year period, were the local media sponsors of a regional Star Trek Convention, and as a tie-in, Mark and I came up with a plan to produce a "Lost Episode" in which Kirk, Spock, Scotty and Bones were all engaged in an intergalactic orgy of sorts. Goodman and I rented as many VHS Star Trek original series videos...and literally spent an entire weekend drinking beer, eating pizza, and recording every comment the four main stars made, together with music beds that accompany most dramatic scenes, onto a simple cassette deck. As we did, Goodman wrote each quote by hand on a canary yellow pad, notating the digital counter number on the cassette deck where I could later go back and find each quote, if needed. Goodman then, painstakingly created a "dialogue" from the random quotes he had transcribed. Then, the time consuming part. Using the "script" Mark had constructed, I fast-forwarded and re-winded the cassette to each index number using the cassette deck digital counter. I taped each segment onto a 1/4" reel-to-reel tape in the order they would appear. Then once the entire story was transferred, I physically spliced each line with a razor blade. This literally took hours, not to mention while mastering, the need to ride the volume controls due to varying audible levels available from the original episodes themselves. It's one thing to hear Kirk scream when deep in our mix...but hearing Spock whisper, equally well? Getting an acceptable mix was trial and error all the way, as we did not have a multi-track Reel-to-Reel (not to mention the time, future digital work stations could have saved us!)


Well, as you can imagine, the vast majority of this dialogue was between Kirk and Spock, as it is in the show...so the "Lost Episode" or Episode one, was nearly all the Captain and his First Officer. I also had a commercially available "Star Trek Sound Effects" cd with which I could enhance our "scenes" (alert klaxons, doors opening, photon torpedoes firing, "beaming up", phaser firing, etc.) The result was funny, but entirely too staccato. We needed more connector phrases often used in conversations. What it came off sounding like was more statement after statement, blurted out crudely with not enough cohesiveness. You could under stand the gist and give an A for effort, but it wasn't the fine taste of Tranya we were hoping for. It was more like Jolt Cola. This original "Lost Episode" was aired a few times on our show, but was never heard elsewhere. Perhaps the biggest influence in our first pass, was that it was the perfect guidepost to the process, allowing us to refine it further the next go-round. And the following year's Star Trek Convention paved the way for pay dirt.

Having already established the closeted couple, Goodman took it a step further, honing a brilliant script that included proper connectors and a convenient interruption from Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott. For the most part, we stayed with all original quotes, sound effects and music, though we did have to include a sound effect from our world...the zipper effect. This second episode, what we called the "Really Lost Episode," is the one that made its rounds throughout morning shows all over the country and lives on today on YouTube and other galaxies on the Worldwide Web...at least FOR THE MOST PART. What IS missing in the dialogue on this page of Fanlore and on the airwaves of the stations that dared to play the bit, is the correct original introduction. As KLCX was 104.7 on the dial, the episode opened with Kirk's familiar Captain's Log entry...but we had found instances where Kirk had said all the numbers we needed to create our own station frequency...so the original "Really Lost Episode" begins with..."Captain's Log Stardate One-Oh-Four-point-seven." The bit was created by us, for us...and it would have ONLY been heard on KLCX if it were not for a Radio Publication writer for The Album Network, named Robert England. Robert, an L.A.-based Brit, or "Bob-UK" as many called him, was on a Northwest Swing to visit radio stations that were affiliates of the Album Network, when he heard the "Really Lost Episode." He would not leave town without a copy on cassette. With that in hand, he returned to LA, where he liberally shared copies of the bit with other affiliate Rock Program Directors across the country. The PD would then share it with their morning hosts, who would of course edit out the "1-Oh-4-point-7" part and run with it. In all honesty the bit was basically 4 minutes, so any version you hear out there is likely edited in a few places. Plans for the 1994 "Really, Really Lost Episode" were well underway, this one would be with Dr. McCoy entering the fray. We already knew we would be sponsoring the NEXT local Star Trek Confab, but our work would be in vain. The third chapter would never be heard, as just before completion of the opus...the entire air-staff was fired to make way for another Top 40 option they would re-name KDUK (the call letters used prior to the KLCX rock format). I am still in radio, though my good friend Mark left the business years ago. I do mornings at 93.7 FM WNOB "BOB-FM" in Norfolk/Virginia Beach. I have been here now for 28 years, and even heard OUR bit, on a COMPETITOR rock station here in our market around the year 2000. It was a two-man morning show much like the "Worden & Goodman" Show that had fun with listeners on the air, did sketch comedy and song parodies. But when I heard them air OUR bit??? I had to call one of the hosts, who I knew well, just to ask where the bit came from? He basically fibbed and passed it off as some original work that he and his partner had pieced together. Can't tell you how proud I was to be able to put him in his place and catch him in he lie. It was the first time I had the chance to tell the REAL story...the one that is now here for all to see. I just really have trouble...with fibbles. Long live Worden & Goodman's "Really Lost (Star Trek) Episode."

In 2015, KLCX's Mark Goodman posted a comment to a Youtube edition of the piece: "My radio morning show partner and I produced this (just the audio) in 1992 at KLCX-FM in Eugene, OR." It was subsequently aired on numerous radio stations in the early 1990s and on The Dr. Demento Show.[1] The piece gained a wider audience when was aired on "The Dr. Demento Show" beginning in the late 1990s. In 2015, KLCX's Mark Goodman posted a comment to a Youtube edition of the piece: "My radio morning show partner and I produced this (just the audio) in 1992 at KLCX-FM in Eugene, OR." It was subsequently aired on numerous radio stations in the early 1990s and on The Dr. Demento Show.[2] The piece gained a wider audience when was aired on "The Dr. Demento Show" beginning in the late 1990s.

Transcript

  • Opening music of original Star Trek Theme
  • K: "Captain's Log: Specimen gathering mission on planet Alpha 177" (The Enemy Within)
  • K: "Mr. Spock is much stronger than the ordinary human being. Aroused, his great physical strength could kill, but it's a risk I'll have to take." (This Side of Paradise)
  • Sound effect: door opening
  • K: "Something bothering you, Mr. Spock?" (What Are Little Girls Made Of)
  • S: "May I say that I have not thoroughly enjoyed serving with humans. I find their illogic and foolish emotions a constant irritant." (Day of the Dove)
  • K: "Unlike you, we humans are full of unpredictable emotions." (What Are Little Girls Made Of)
  • S: "Love, tenderness..." (The Enemy Within)
  • K: "Yes, yes..."
  • S: "If I seem insensitive to what you're going through, Captain, understand, it's the way I am." (The Enemy Within)
  • (romantic music)
  • K: "Don't be afraid, here's my hand, hold on." (The Enemy Within)
  • S: "You are beautiful, more beautiful than any dream of beauty I've ever known." (All Our Yesterdays)
  • K: "What is your point Mr. Spock?" (The Enemy Within)
  • S: "I love you. I can love you." (This Side of Paradise)
  • K: "Kiss me." (What Are Little Girls Made Of)
  • Music, uh, swells, and the sound of zipper being unzipped (or zipped) is thrown in.
  • K: "Are you out of your mind?" (This Side of Paradise)
  • S: "The prospect appeared quite attractive to you a moment ago." (All Our Yesterdays)
  • K: "You don't really want to hurt me, do you. Put that thing away." (All Our Yesterdays)
  • S: "No, I don't think so." (This Side of Paradise)
  • K: "No...I... can't..." (This Side of Paradise)
  • S: "...It is painless and quick..." (The Enemy Within)
  • K: *scream*
  • S: “Entry made by Second Officer Spock..." (The Enemy Within)
  • K: *scream*
  • K: "It's possible we may have hit the wrong entry point." (What Are Little Girls Made Of)
  • S: "Yes, very well, Captain." (What Are Little Girls Made Of)
  • K: "Try again." (Miri)
  • S: "If it pleases you." (All Our Yesterdays)
  • K: "What are you waiting for, hurry!" (All Our Yesterdays)
  • S: "If you'll excuse the intrusion, Captain." (The Enemy Within)
  • K: *scream*
  • K: "Bury the hatchet." (Day of the Dove)
  • S: "An appropriate choice of terms, Captain." (Day of the Dove)
  • K: *scream*
  • (door swishes open)
  • Scotty: "Achhh - Keep your Vulcan hands off. Just -- keep away! You green blooded half breed!" (Day of the Dove)
  • K: "Scotty...no, wait!" (Day of the Dove)
  • Scotty: "Are you all right, Captain?" (The Enemy Within)
  • K: "S'alright. Just a little dizzy." (The Enemy Within)
  • K: "I have to take him back...inside myself. I can't survive without him. I don't want to take him back. He's like an animal, a thoughtless, brutal animal." (The Enemy Within)
  • Scotty: "Let me give you a hand." (The Enemy Within)
  • Sound effect: zipper being unzipped again
  • Scotty: "This thing could go anywhere!" (Day of the Dove)
  • S: "You've not yet explained the nature of this thing." (This Side of Paradise)
  • Scotty: "She's a projectile, at warp nine!" (Day of the Dove)
  • K: "Get below - take command..." (Day of the Dove)
  • Scotty: "Aye, sir!" (Day of the Dove)
  • Scotty: "You're a beauty!" (Day of the Dove)
  • Sound effect: door opening
  • K: "I won't fight you anymore. (sigh) I feel so weak. (garbled) I'll be glad when this is over." (The Enemy Within)
  • S: "I am substantial." (All Our Yesterdays)
  • K: *gasps*
  • S: "You are not imagining this." (All Our Yesterdays)
  • Sound effects: sound of scuffle, repeated slaps (A Private Little War)
  • S: "Harder!" (A Private Little War)
  • K: *s-c-r-e-a-m* Sound effect: heart rate monitor
  • K: *scream* Sound effect: heart rate monitor (faster)
  • K: "What... are we doing to each other?" (Day of the Dove)
  • S: "Fascinating. The result of...stress?" (Day of the Dove)
  • K: "We've been under stress before." (Day of the Dove)
  • S: "This is impossible! I am a Vulcan." (All Our Yesterdays)
  • K: "What can you expect from a simpering, devil-eared freak. Whose father was computer, and his mother an encyclopedia?" (This Side of Paradise)
  • S: "I'm behaving disgracefully. I have eaten animal flesh and I have enjoyed it." (All Our Yesterdays)
  • K: "Believe me, Mr. Spock, it was painful -- in... more ways than one." (The Enemy Within)
  • Scotty: "Aye, sir!"
  • K: "Captain's Log: Supplemental. I've seen a part of myself no man should ever see." (The Enemy Within)
  • K: "Thank you, Mr. Spock. From both of us." (The Enemy Within)
  • Music swells up and it's over!--

Reactions and Reviews

1994

That little ditty was aired on a Colorado Springs ( ! ) station called The Max (which has since been taken over by a satellite country/western station) about a year and a half ago. The Max played alternative music--and other odds and sods, obviously. I heard this, one morning about 6:00 AM, and woke chortling. Called the station and asked them to play it again. The DJ told me he'd already archived it, but promised to drag it out for the early morning show about three days later. Gave me quite a razzing over the phone about my wanting to hear it again. Said he was REALLY looking forward to the Next Gen version that would probably involve Picard and Worf.

I was up bright and early the promised morning, tape in place, prepared to capture this immortal idiocy for posterior's, ah, posterity's sake. I succeeded, as most of you have heard, and still have the original (packed away awaiting the move). [K S] was instrumental in disseminating it to the world at large. Just thought all of you might like to hear how it came about. [3]

1998

Just two days ago, a friend sent me a file named 'lovetrek'. I had no idea what it was about. We had just discovered our love for Star Trek and all of a sudden, he's sending me this file. I downloaded it and just before going to bed, I played it. Imagine my expression when I hear Kirk talking about Spock's strength, then Spock comes in talking about human emotions. Then Kirk asks Spock's point and our Vulcan replies; 'I love you. I can love you'. I spluttered and I spent the rest of the 'performance' spluttering; the fly being opened, Kirk's screams. By the way, Spock's "If you'll excuse the intrusion, Captain", just prior to Kirk's yell had me rolling on the floor. Well, you can imagine. One thing is imagining them doing it and another thing is 'hearing' them at the top of their voices! Now I keep the file as a treasure. [4]

2000

For several years there has been an audio tape circulating through fandom, a compilation of lines and snippets from the episodes put together to form a most fascinating whole. It exists in several different forms, some including Scotty, others excluding him, edited in different ways. We played the tape at the first K/S Press Party at Shore Leave three years ago. Since then it has also shown up on the Internet in a pretty funny way. The presentation includes doctored pictures of our fellows together (Spock’s lipstick on Kirk’s cheek!). [5]

External Links

References

  1. ^ In an 1994 posting to Virgule-L Ellis Ward described how she came to hear and then record the radio piece which she then, with help from others, began disseminating among the slash fan community. It was aired on Colorado Springs radio station KIKX "The Max" in 1992. At that time, KIKX had a morning show that played alternative music and one-off performance pieces. She heard the "Kirk Spock" audio play one morning about 6:00 AM and called the station to ask them to play it again. The DJ told her he'd already archived it, but promised to drag it out for the early morning show about three days later. She then recorded it and it was sent to various fans across the United States. Source: Virgule-L mailing list emails, accessed June 6, 2011. As of 1996, KIKX became KBIQ, and today it is a Christian rock station.
  2. ^ In an 1994 posting to Virgule-L Ellis Ward described how she came to hear and then record the radio piece which she then, with help from others, began disseminating among the slash fan community. It was aired on Colorado Springs radio station KIKX "The Max" in 1992. At that time, KIKX had a morning show that played alternative music and one-off performance pieces. She heard the "Kirk Spock" audio play one morning about 6:00 AM and called the station to ask them to play it again. The DJ told her he'd already archived it, but promised to drag it out for the early morning show about three days later. She then recorded it and it was sent to various fans across the United States. Source: Virgule-L mailing list emails, accessed June 6, 2011. As of 1996, KIKX became KBIQ, and today it is a Christian rock station.
  3. ^ comment at Virgule-L, quoted anonymously (September 25, 1994)
  4. ^ from The K/S Press #20
  5. ^ from The K/S Press #41