Fanfic rules for absolute beginners
| Meta | |
|---|---|
| Title: | Fanfic rules for absolute beginners |
| Creator: | Poshcat |
| Date(s): | early 2000s? |
| Medium: | online |
| Fandom: | |
| Topic: | |
| External Links: | Fic Rules, Archived version |
| Click here for related articles on Fanlore. | |
Fanfic rules for absolute beginners is a satirical essay by Poshcat.
It is one of many essays at Octaves, a Buffy and Angel website.
"Poshcat helps the helpless."
The Essay
1. Make sure the guys in your story have huge penises. Porn industry size. And make sure all the girls can deep-throat them, giganto as they are. Guaranteed turn-on.2. Remember, not everybody reads fanfiction, so make sure to introduce all the characters. Tell them Buffy's full name, why she's the Slayer, and thenceforth call her "the diminutive blonde".
3. If you're wondering what to call a male vampire's bodily fluids, keep in mind that a vampire is no longer warm. Plus, he's no longer alive. That should give you some ideas.
4. We're all friends here - why don't you put yourself smack dab in the middle of the story? Just call yourself some other name and have all the characters fall in love with you. It'll make your readers feel close to you.
5. Honey, "blue eyes" has been done to death. Try to think of a different descriptive term. "Azure pools of demonic lust", maybe.
6. You don't want to squidge out your readers, so keep the sex scenes scientific. You honestly can't use the word "perineum" too many times. Also "prostate" (which is interchangeable with "prostrate" - is there really a difference anyway?)
7. When in doubt, USE ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. Then your readers will be sure that your character is emotional.
8. Don't ever let anyone else read your story and give you advice before you post it. They might steal the idea, the scoundrels. Fanfic writers are a desperate bunch, it's sad but true.