Difference That is No Difference
| Fanfiction | |
|---|---|
| Title: | Difference That is No Difference |
| Author(s): | Sue S |
| Date(s): | 1980 |
| Length: | |
| Genre(s): | non-explicit het |
| Fandom(s): | |
| Relationship(s): | |
| External Links: | |
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"Difference That is No Difference" is a Star Trek: TOS story by Sue S.
A Series
This story is part of a series.
The first is Turnabout Alternative by "A Lady" printed in King Grope in 1978. The author, "A Lady" may be Sue S. In this first story, Jim Kirk remains in Janice Lester's body after she is killed while in his own. They become lovers.
The second story is "...and now for something completely different...". It was printed in Enter-comm #1, where it had some small uncredited illos and a portrait of Janice Lester by Kathy Carlson. In this story, Kirk and Spock marry when they discover Kirk is pregnant. They become the parents of twins.
This third story, "Difference That is No Difference" was in Enter-comm #2 where it had art by Pat Stall.
Description and Plot Summary
Kirk tells Spock she is changing her name, as she's tired of explaining why a woman is called James. Her new name is Jaime.
Kirk also announces at a cocktail party in front of the Enterprise's crew that she is thinking of resigning as captain of the Enterprise to stay on Vulcan and raise her children as she's worried they won't know she's their mother if she allows other people to care for them too much: "I can't desert my children." She hasn't discussed this decision with Spock first, but he takes it in stride. "I will stand by whatever decision you come to." Spock also says he will take Kirk's old job as captain of the Enterprise.
Kirk says: "'Uhura, I think this is the traditional time for the ladies to withdraw and leave the gentlemen to their discussion'." After they leave, McCoy explains that women and their hormones are different than men and that maternal instincts cause them to make different decisions, like give up their careers. He cites both Kirk wanting to stay home with her babies, and of Christine Chapel who gave up her Starfleet career to be Spock and Kirk's babies' nurse.
Sulu points out that the Enterprise "... was the first ship in Starfleet to have a woman captain - but that was because she had held the post as a man. There hasn't yet been a born woman in command." Sulu, Spock, McCoy, and Scotty discuss the possibility of a female captain. They think of Uhura, but she is fourth in line to the throne, as it were. It turns out Scotty feels he's too old, and Sulu wants to get another job on a cartographic ship. The men then decide Uhuru's future without her: "Uhura could transfer to Command Branch, couldn't she? If she went back to Starfleet Academy for an Intensive Command Course, she'd automatically be made up in rank when she returned. That'd make her a Lieutenant Commander, like Scotty here - and the next natural choice for First Officer." Spock said, "I dislike all this political maneuvering, Doctor, but I see the validity of the argument."
Later, Kirk gets very emotional and says a lot of angry things to Spock and McCoy. Kirk's reality has finally hit her, and she is very angry. McCoy says explains she's not fit to command, that she'll get worse before she gets better, and his plan is to "pump her full of tranquilizers."
McCoy hires a new nurse in Sick Bay named Liz. Liz does not recognize Kirk as a woman (turns out she's a complete murderous psychopath). She also says: "It's disgusting," she shivered. "Two men. Ugh! It's just not natural for one man to be in love with another." Liz then confronts and scolds Kirk, telling him being a woman is Kirk's punishment. Kirk cries and then tries to commit suicide by taking pills.
Meanwhile, McCoy is told Christine Chapel is going to marry a Vulcan named Starn who is Spock's cousin. McCoy rushes to Vulcan to tell Christine he loves her. Christine says she never intended to marry Starn; that it was a trick cooked up to get McCoy to declare his love for her. They get married.
Kirk wakes up from her pill-induced coma. She's confused. McCoy also aggressively scolds her about being nicer to Spock. He alludes to the past and how he could have easily become Jim Kirk's lover.
Kirk Decides to Change Her Name
"I'm going to have to change my name. It's not so bad on the ship, or on Vulcan . . . but when I was on that passenger liner ...people ask me my name and I end up giving them my life history. It's not that I'm ashamed of what I am - but it just gets so damn complicated."
"It is rather odd that people have so much difficulty accepting you as you are," Spock commented.
"Not to me. Look, I'm not an ordinary sex-change case, Spock. I ended up in somebody else's body. If it had been my own, just altered a bit, people would still've known it was me ..• and anybody who didn't know me before would accept me as I was. Now, though ... well, I'm a married woman with children - and I can't go on using myoId name. Don't you think a change would be logical?"
"Really, Jim, there is no need to convince me. For me . . . you are what you are. Your external appearance is of only secondary importance. If it is your wish to be known by another name, so be it. Surely you did not believe you would need my permission?"
"No, but if you had strong objections.
"I have none."
"Very well. I'll fill in the forms and send them off to Starfleet tonight!"
"Jim, there is one point I wish to clarify before you do so."
"And that is?"
"Do you wish me to call you by your new name?"
"Spock," she grinned, "I don't care what you call me, as long as you don't call me late for breakfast."
"My wife, as usual you are totally illogical," he told her, almost smiling.
McCoy Thinks of Kirk as a Whole New Person
It never entered his head that it was James T. Kirk he was addressing. This was a whole new person, with the mind of his Captain and the body of Janice Lester, who had never known how beautiful she could be. "Fulfilled", thought McCoy. "It's amazing!"
McCoy Explains to Kirk How Women and Their Hormones are Different Than Men
"Jim would never have entertained the idea of leaving the ship before..."
"I know. But this isn't Jim," McCoy reminded Spock. "It's Jaime. Kirk's mind influenced by Janice's hormones. She's all woman now, Spock, for better or worse. She didn't change externally - her mind is subject to different conditions - stresses, influences - frankly, things no man can completely understand. I think you'd better be making plans to take command of the ship. Jaime's got the mother-instinct, and I don't think she'll be changing her mind."
"Mother-instinct?" Spock queried.
"Yes. It's not a scientifically definable thing, Spock, but it seems to happen to the oddest people. I mean - career women, like Chris for example. You'd have thought Starfleet was everything to her, but she was prepared to give it all up to care for the twins."
Kirk Gets Emotional
I'm old enough to make my own decisions, Spock. I'm a big . . . girl . . . now."
[...]
She looked up suddenly to see Spock watching her from the bathroom doorway. He did not look angry, but she was furious with him. All her heartaches and pain were his fault.
"Why couldn't you get me back into my own body, Spock? You let me down, good and proper. Or was this what you wanted, so I'd be dependent on you? You always did enjoy looking after me, didn't you? You could've made me whole again - and maybe I could even have loved you for it, if that's what you wanted. But you left me like this, only half a person. I hate you for that. It's disgusting. I'm a man, dammit, and yet you expect me to think and act like a blasted, subservient female! Let me live my own life, Spock - don't crowd me!"
"Jim, I have never heard you speak like this before . . . "
"I never felt like this before. And you needn't think I'm sharing your damned bed tonight. I'm going down to Sickbay and get McCoy to fill me up with tranquillizers - then maybe I won't notice how vile everything is!" She left the room immediately, without even looking at him.
McCoy Explains Kirk's Angry Words to Spock
"Could be this is some kind of delayed reaction - first the steps towards the female side of her nature . . . the change of name, wanting to leave the ship. then the return to 'maleness' - arguing with you, asserting herself, rejecting the name she had chosen."
"And this is likely to continue?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so. It's going to get worse, too. Somewhere in her mind, the body-transfer has produced a schizophrenic reaction. Sometimes she'll be her old, sunny self, determined to be all-female. Other times she'll be yearning to be James T. Kirk again ... and the impossibility of that will make her depressed and aggressive. To be honest with you, Jim is in no condition to command."
[...]
"She'll come to a crisis - can't say when, of course - but she'll get to the point where she doesn't even remember why she is so upset. After that ... it should be downhill all the way."'
"And the eventual outcome?"
"Can only be one thing. Final acceptance of not only her future as a woman but her past as a man, and reconciliation of the two."
"You believe it is possible to reconcile them?"
"Yes, I think so."
Spock Misses the Male Kirk
As he sat contemplating her clammy white face, he found himself longing for the handsome, clean-cut visage of James T. Kirk. They had been brothers, and more than brothers - but somehow their relationship had been simple and honest. Since the changeover, he no longer understood her. Perhaps he just missed the comforting gold-clad presence. Jim had always been so strong - needing him became a strength. But Jaime's dependence on him was a weakness for them both. He would never consider leaving her to fend for herself, but somehow he had to make her whole again - build up the self-confidence that had so tragically deserted her.
McCoy Scolds Kirk
"My advice to you is to stop trying to act female. Take it easy and let nature take its course. You can't force your brain to be compatible with your body. Maybe it'll never happen. Just be Jaime - or Jim - whatever. Relax. We all know and understand who you are and what's happened to you. Settle down and accept it."
Jaime was blinking back tears now. She asked him, with a catch in her voice, "How do I accept being dependent on Spock? Can't you see how difficult it is?"
"Yes, I do see," he said, holding her close. "But you must try not to dominate him either. You never did as Jim - don't as Jaime. Your marriage to him is a partnership between equals. It's only on the ship that you have to be in command. Listen to him. Accept his help, like you always did before. He'll never steer you wrong, Jaime."
Kirk Has an Epiphany
I thought if I tried to 'think' myself female, I could be that way. It was deceptively easy. But it backfired onto me - I ended up wanting to be male again. Now I don't care. Male - female - it doesn't matter. I only know I want to be with you, always. Your strength will help me to be strong. I will prove to myself that I can captain this ship as I used to - and then, only then, will I decide what my future is to be. I will not sneak away to hide on Vulcan. I have to prove it can be done, for myself, and more particularly, for Uhura and all the other women who may wish to command one day. Will you help me?"
"In everything," Spock assured her tenderly.
"Then it will be as it was before," she mused sleepily. "And all the changes will be strengths, not weaknesses. We can still be the best in Starfleet, Spock."
"Indeed we can," he whispered, a tear of joy running warmly down his face.
Fan Comments
'Difference That Makes No Difference' is the third in a series of stories which started in one of the Gropes. The premise: what would have happened to Kirk and Spock if Kirk had been forced to stay in Janice Lester's body? If one is able to suspend one's belief (something that is often necessary in K/S-oriented stories), the idea works very well. And the author writes quite well also. (A suggestion to the editors: if the series is to continue, it might be a good idea to synopsize what happened in the stories that are now out of print.) The accompanying Pat Stall illos are excellent. [1]
References
- ^ from Universal Translator #5