Certainties of Being

K/S Fanfiction
Title:	Certainties of Being
Author(s):	M.E. Carter
Date(s):	1995
Length:	print zine-41 pages;
Genre:	slash
Fandom:	Star Trek: The Original Series
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Certainties of Being is a Kirk/Spock story by M.E. Carter. It won a 1995 STIFfie Award.

It was published in the print zine T'hy'la #16 and was M.E. Carter's first published fanfic.

A continuation of this story is Two Roads No More.

Summary

"Spock ponders leaving the Enterprise to be part of a Medusan team when Kirk discovers that they have been bonded and reacts badly to the idea."

Reactions and Reviews

Spock reveals to Kirk that he mind-linked with him during the ill-fated pon farr incident. Kirk becomes angry and drives Spock away. During an interesting conversation with McCoy. Kirk confronts the truth of Spock's feelings for him. This is fine, except Kirk weeps and cries, tears stream down his face and he sobs in McCoy's strong, tender arms.

In fact, allow me to jump ahead with the observation that both Kirk and Spock (but mostly Kirk) cry, weep and wail continually in this story, and on one page alone, Kirk cries twice. What a scene that is anyway. Kirk cries as McCoy holds his shuddering body. The doctor gives him a hug. When Kirk is finished crying, he blushes. A fellow K/Ser pointed up the fact that crying is such a powerful reaction, especially with these characters, that it must be used judiciously and only for very good reasons.

Immediately following, the story picks up considerably with a well-written scene of Spock meeting with a Medusan representative. There are some nicely defined side characters such as the "human idiom" quoting assistant. The buildings, the laboratory and the rooms where the Medusan Project was being developed were all clearly visualized. Also a scene where Spock must prepare himself for the meeting with the Medusan and must deal with his feelings for Kirk was nicely done.

The meeting with the Medusan was rather inventive and well thought out. However, the explanation of Medusan society was rushed and only told, which seemed a shame as it could have been a rich and fascination subject. It became frustrating as the Medusan kept referring to all the information that Spock would learn, but we never see any of it! They talk a whole bunch of niceties—thank you for doing this; you'll learn a lot; this is a great experience; thank you; I appreciate it, etc.

Then, instead of the big payoff of all these great things we're going to learn about the Medusans. Spock spends the entire time talking about himself. Which I guess he was supposed to be doing anyway, since I think it was an interview for a position with the ambassador, but I'm not certain.

It turns out that Spock can't mind link with the Medusan because he's bonded with Kirk (What? There's not enough room for two?)- I didn't understand how the spontaneous mind tink turned into a full blown bond.

Spock easily was the Medusan (like the Medusan version of McCoy) all about his feelings for Kirk, including his desire for Kirk's body. I don't know —I realize it's on a psychic level and this Medusan is a caring kind of guy, but would Spock really reveal his innermost secret desires and feelings to a veritable stranger, albeit a psychic one?

In my opinion, this Medusan should quit the armchair psychology when he suggests that Spock should go have sex with others in order to learn more about "humanoids' curious reproductive behavior". Then he does this flame thing to Spock's mind and Spock gets all turned on. Curious and curiouser.

So Spock visits a whorehouse (How did he know that Aarot went to whorehouses? Why did Spock confide in him? Why was Spock doing this, anyway?) and putting questions aside. I admit to enjoying watching Spock with a male prostitute. Except Spock becomes a veritable basket-case.

From that, the scene moves on to the Miramanee incident and a very nice "behind-the-scenes" look at Kirk as he leaves the people and planet after Miramanee's death.

This is a clear case of a short story trying to be a novel There is definitely a novel's worth of material in this story. Either only one incident could have been focused on or the entire thing expanded.

The constant worry and noncommunication about their relationship eventually wore thin. They engaged in numerous lengthy conversations that solved nothing.

The full loving intent was certainly here. Lots and lots of outpouring of emotion and expression of love. But for the most part, I couldn't go with the flow. I'm as much a sucker for deep, loving feelings as the next K/Ser So why could I resist Kirk wrapping his legs around Spock's waist as they kiss? Or; " 'Yes. I'm so hard. Please, Jim, touch it, I'll die if you don't touch if? Or: "You could stay the night and hold me while I sleep"?

Because I was unable to really hear either Kirk or Spock in almost any of the dialogue. Much of the emotional content bordered on weak and teary-eyed instead of powerful. Yes, it was love, but more like Victorian hand-wringing love, not heroic love.

I don't mean to appear too picky or unreasonable. It is really just a matter of taste. I like my K/S love with a few grains of pepper, not a bushel of sugar. I tike my heart to ache, not my teeth.

But I absolutely admire this writer's efforts. She's obviously given this story a lot of time and thought and it shows through in many moments of the story.

A nice long, well-written story—flawless language, with a close-in perspective, and rich in details. The enhancing of episode situations was done really well, and a nice continuity through many episodes was created. We kind of missed getting that on the series, didn't we? Each episode was a separate story, and little if any reference was made to previous shared experiences (episodes, to us). So I like this in a story.

I liked the way the gist of the problems between Kirk and Spock was revealed organically, so to speak. In the beginning of the story, in Spock's ruminations, he would not "explain" to us what he meant by "the events of the past week." We only knew he was troubled, and of course it involved Kirk. Eventually everything unfolded for us as it should; except, there was one instance where this might have been flawed, which I'll get to.

Spock is on Starbase 9, in a project to use Medusans, linked to humanoids, as navigators. But he has to refuse the assignment; he can't "bond" with a Medusan because he's bonded to Kirk! We learn a bond had formed between Kirk and Spock in the plak tow, but Spock never told Kirk.

Then we go to Kirk, alone (i.e., without Spock) on the Enterprise. I like this long build-up (first Spock introspection, then Kirk), and now is when we start to really get the full picture.

However, now (in Kirk POV) we find out for the first time that Kirk dflfis know about the bond. So that whole part in Spock POV was misleading in this respect. The way Spock was going on about how Kirk must never know (for surely he would despise Spock for concealing this invasion), we had to assume Kirk did not know. Not a big deal really, but that's one of the problems with writing a story that goes back and forth in time, in reality and in thoughts.

Right before Spock left for SB9 he had told Kirk of the bond; and Kirk had been very angry, then confused, and fearful, at the time Spock left. Not a good parting. A scenario I rather favor. Angst, with plenty of room for resolution. Kirk tells McCoy that Spock kissed him once-this was a beautiful and strong passage. It had been when Spock thought Kirk unconscious in Sickbay after Babel incident. Again, this story is filled with such "real-life" events from the episodes, and I really like this.

There is a sort of love/sex/ecstasy experience between Spock and the Medusan—very lovely. Spock exposing his deepest dark flame. And there are other interesting and emotionally satisfying aspects to the story; I'm quelling myself from spelling them all out.

The high point of the plot is really satisfying too, the emergency that Kirk has to come back to pick up Spock for. But there isn't time for a real resolution, yet—right then, they get separated for two months. Talk about angst. The bond was severed and now Kirk realizes what he'd had all the time, the precious thing he has lost.

Finally, finally, after much talk, Spock says I love you. This was very deeply touching. I love when the first "I love you" moment is so satisfying. But, perhaps too wordy here. It's a beautiful conversation, but I would think they are so overly ripe right now, they really would not be so rational and long-winded. At other times, I felt Kirk seemed to cry too often; I would think this would be a good time for him to cry, instead of being so rational.

Separately, neither can sleep. A wonderful, intense coming together in the middle of the night. Gorgeous words of sex; beautiful Kirk, beautiful Spock. Kirk is stunned by the depth of Spock's desire and passion, as am I. Breathtaking sex. A very satisfying story.

I loved this story. I didn't want it to end. When it did, I accorded it that highest of personal accolades, I went immediately back to the beginning and started reading it again.

Here are some reasons why: 1. The story is long, forty-one pages of double-columned print. This gives a skillful author a chance to really explore her characters and their situations, and weave a spell that captures the reader.

2. Lots of things happen in Certainties of Being. While there is plenty of reflection by characters, I found that the action moved along well, and drew me from one interesting scene to another.

3. The author bases her story on what preceded the episode "Is There In Truth No Beauty?" Remember that lovely scene in the beginning when Miranda Jones and Spock are walking along the corridor? Miranda asks why Spock didn't take the job with the Medusans. His answer is "My life is here." CoB is the explanation of that simple sentence, with interesting details of Spock's initial participation in the Medusan "experiment." But equally woven into the plot is the episode "The Paradise Syndrome," where Kirk loses his memory and marries Miramanee. I don't believe that I have ever seen this episode and its aftermath, or Kirk's understanding of it all, handled more skillfully. The Kirk who has just regained his memory and is now captain as well as grieving husband was so real I felt as if I could touch him. He was a man with real reactions, real feelings, mature and vital.

4. The characterizations were not exactly as one would expect, especially Kirk, and I liked that a lot. This Kirk can't handle the news that Spock has inadvertently bonded them, and reacts angrily, creating the estrangement between them with which the story starts. It was definitely refreshing to see a hot-tempered, unreasonable Kirk who doesn't immediately plunge into a relationship with Spock when given the opportunity, who even "felt his face heat" when McCoy asks if they've "consummated a physical relationship?" The captain replies, "Of course not! I'm trying to tell you that he foisted some kind of Vulcan mental contact on me and then didn't bother to mention it until a year later. There's nothing else between us." This is also a Kirk who, when Spock returns to the ship after spending time with a Medusan, tries to heal the breach between them and does so most ineptly. He almost makes things worse between them. There's a lot of misunderstanding in this scene, and it felt real. (Although I'll never believe Kirk would cry as much as he did in this story.)

5. Last but not least, the sex in this story was really hot! At least, for me it was; I do believe this always varies according to individual taste. But I found the ending scenes to be some of the most erotic K/S literature I've read, from the several paragraphs it took them to simply kiss ("strong, sweet kisses that burned with promise...") to the incredible next scene when Kirk literally climbs up Spock's body ("...he locked his legs around his waist. He wrapped desperate arms about Spock's head, forcing it backwards, bending to devour the open mouth..."f to the fantastic ending scene when Spock can't hold back his orgasm. ("Jim, I can't! I can't... I can't....") Oooohhh....

The problems that this story has mainly stem from a lack of internal consistency. I found that there wasn't always much logic in the emotions that propelled the story from scene to scene. Consequently, the scenes, wonderful as they were, seemed to stand in isolation, and the story itself didn't flow seamlessly. For example, within the joining with a Medusan, Spock gets advice about his own physical desires (a highly unlikely situation. Why would a non-corporeal Medusan be able to talk to Spock about desires of the flesh?) and is encouraged to visit a house of ill-repute to test his ability to respond to his captain in a possible relationship. He does so, and there's a truly wonderful, heart-wrenching scene with a male prostitute. But the problem is that the author had just spent umpteen pages in Spock's head where it becomes clear he is convinced an intimate relationship with Kirk is impossible. After all, Kirk had basically thrown him off the ship when the bond created by Spock was revealed to the captain. So why in the world would Spock act on the Medusan's advice, considering the utter unlikelihood of his goal?

Another problem with consistency comes between the first and second halves of the story. In the beginning Kirk is so angry with Spock that a permanent breach between the two seems possible. That's certainly what Spock thinks. But by the second half Kirk is eager for a relationship between them, and there was no real transition time for the change of heart to occur, since Kirk was on Miramanee's planet for 59 days. I simply didn't see the seeds of the eager, loving Kirk from the second half in the frightened, angry Kirk from the first half. And thinking about the time that's passed from Kirk's perspective, the events of the second half of the story move way too quickly. I don't believe that Kirk would rebound from his experience and sorrow with Miramanee and into Spock's arms so quickly.

However, that doesn't change the fact that the part of the story that takes place once Kirk regains his memory is the best part, with some lovely, lovely moments such as when Kirk goes to take the stiffly standing Vulcan's hand on the planet, and later when Spock slowly collapses from exhaustion in the turbolift and ends up being supported on the floor by his captain.

This story would have been just about perfect for me if the author had paid closer attention to emotional consistency and bridging the gaps between her scenes more logically. But even as it is, I still loved this story.

There are times when my lack of vocabulary sorely disappoints me. This is one of those times. For part of my K/S day experience, I chose to read this novella. My choice must have been guided by the lords of something. “Certainties” fairly crackled with excitement and wonder -- leaving me holding my breath one moment and panting the next. There is just the right amount of angst to make it a page-turner, not enough to make me forget the plot. Two wonderful series episodes, “Is There in Truth No Beauty” and “Paradise Syndrome” are tapped just enough to bring a sense of familiarity and place. Beginning with some friction and unease because of a spontaneous -- and unacknowledged -- bond, we follow Spock and Kirk on separate paths of discovery. Spock finds answers in very disparate places: a Medusan meld and a youthful prostitute. Kirk seeks out reliable Bones, but also learns from his nights with Miramanee some things he didn’t know about himself.

The author deftly brings us along in Kirk’s and Spock’s struggle to regain the rapport and understanding that has made them inseparable and incomparable. Interaction is so true to character they come alive between the pages! It’s so good to see both enjoyment and plausibility on attaining a lifelong commitment. This story reaches a pinnacle of both. And the love making, when it comes, is my nomination for one of the best ever -- why use my poor words to say it? Listen to the two perspectives: “...Spock’s awareness contracted to the leaping fire between his legs, and deep within a tide gathering, building to unbearable sweetness, destroying him, creating him, rushing out of him forever.” And from Kirk’s point of view, “The heat that was Spock closed over him, searing his lungs as he fought for air, burning him clean. He felt himself lifted toward it, flying free, soaring blind and fearless into the heart of a sun.”

So shall they always be in my heart - soaring together into the heart of a sun. Together forever.

I love the way this woman writes! She has proved her skill in short stories, novella and novel form, as well as in poetry and filks. Not an easy task to accomplish by any means as each requires different format and organization.

Perhaps my favorite part of "Certainties" is the way she weaves a first time story between three episodes. Yes, that's been done before, but rarely so skillfully and naturally as in this story. As the tale begins we find Spock arriving alone at Starbase Nine in the dead of night. To stretch his legs and perhaps find some measure of peace before he must report for a mission, he walks to a deserted park to contemplate how his once secure life has shattered before his eyes. After the ritual combat we saw in Amok Time, after the severing of his betrothal link with T'Pring, Spock's mind latches onto the only salvation it can find...a bond with his oh-so-compatible friend and captain. "It was unthinkable to forge a mental union without mutual consent, but it was surely the reason he had walked alive and sane from the place of Kun-ut-Kalifee, and it seemed at the time a miraculous gift." All right, so far you're saying that you've read that before lots of times. And so you have. Here's where the author goes in a new direction. Spock keeps the bond to himself, thinking Kirk will not be able to feel it, and his enhanced ability to keep Kirk from harm justifies his deception. It also fulfills his very Vulcan need for something to replace what he has lost. All is well until the day Starfleet sends him to Starbase Nine to be tested, along with other candidates, to see if he is suitable to form a mind link with Kollos, the Medusan ambassador. Normally Spock would accept the invitation, or rather more of a command "suggestion", readily, being the intensely curious creature he is, but all subjects must be unmarried, or in the case with Vulcans, unbonded. Spock thinks to decline the invitation, and no one will be the wiser, but Kirk, as only he can, worms the true reason out of Spock. Kirk reacts badly to the knowledge Spock has "foisted" an unwanted bond upon him without his knowledge or consent, but both men are separated before they can begin to talk this out. At Starbase Nine, Spock meets Ewendar, a Medusan envoy with whom Spock melds. From the little we have seen of the Medusans, the author has created a fully rounded, sympathetic character. So well done! The two beings share both personal and planetary history with each other. With Ewander's encouragement, Spock embarks on an experiment to test his personal reactions that ends disastrously. When he finally returns to the Enterprise, the conversation he must have with his captain is again shelved, but only temporarily both think, by a mission to divert an asteroid from a peaceful planet in a nearby sector. Two months later when Kirk finally returns to the ship after the death of Miramanee and his unborn child, Spock collapses from exhaustion, and the fear Kirk feels knows no bounds. He realizes his attraction to Miramanee only began when the temple beam accidentally broke his bond with Spock.

The ending resolves the problems between Kirk and Spock in a very realistic and satisfactory way. Lovely clear and vivid writing. I understand a sequel is coming. Please finish it M.E., I would very much love to see the next chapter in your tale.

Another first-time, nicely done. A spontaneous bond formed between Kirk and Spock in "Amok Time," but Kirk doesn't know it, and Spock can't tell him for fear of his anger. When he does, it's a year later and Kirk, confused about what he wants, really is angry. McCoy thinks it's a fine match and tries to help get them together, as does a Medusan Spock is working with experimentally. The accident that causes Kirk's amnesia also destroys his bond to Spock; his subsequent marriage to Miramanee convinces Spock that he is not wanted. Meanwhile, Kirk desperately misses effects of the bond he didn't know he had. And Spock tries to test his own response with a male prostitute.