To Thine Own Self Be True

Zine
Title:	To Thine Own Self Be True
Publisher:	AMC Press
Editor:
Author(s):	Rainy Day
Cover Artist(s):	TACS
Illustrator(s):	TACS
Date(s):	June 1998
Medium:	print
Size:
Genre:
Fandom:	The Sentinel
Language:	English
External Links:
Click here for related articles on Fanlore.

cover by TACS

To Thine Own Self Be True is a 180-page slash Sentinel novel by Rainy Day.

Cover and b/w interior art by TACS.

Originally from AMC Press. Agented by Requiem Publications with print and PDF ezine available as of 2018.

Summaries

From an AMC flyer:

A story of self-deception, pain, and redemption. When an incident at the loft causes long-repressed feelings to emerge, Jim struggles with his sexual identity, self-perceptions and growing attraction for Blair. But confused denial and continual self-loathing cause the Sentinel to become increasingly self-destructive. Can Blair help Jim before it's too late and what will Blair's reaction to all this be...?

From the former distributor:

A sweetly sensual first time, h/c story set shortly after Warriors. When an incident at the loft causes long-repressed feelings to emerge. Confused denial drive the sentinel to become increasingly self-destructive. Will Blair find a way to help before it’s too late?

Author's Notes

From the zine:

To Thine Own Self Be True is a sweetly sensual Jim/Blair, "first-time," "hurt/comfort" tale, set shortly after the episode "Warriors." And is about self-deception, pain and redemption. When an incident at the loft causes long-repressed feelings to emerge, Jim struggles with his sexual identity, self-perception and growing attraction for Blair. But confused dental and continual self-loathing cause the Sentinel to become increasingly self-destructive. Will Blair find a way to help Jim before it's too late? How will Blair react when he discovers Jim's feelings? And what effect will this new dimension have on their friendship?

Prepare for angst—this is a first-time, hurt/comfort novel and strong men will cry. This is not, however, a death or separation story. I don't believe in 'em, as I'm a sucker for a happy ending. Perhaps I watched too many Disney movies as a child. In MY Sentinel universe, "Sentinel Too" never happened. You may assume, then, that this is an alternate timeline and that the tale takes place shortly after "Warriors."

No spoilers herein.

Chapters

• Seeing the Darkness
• Dreams into Waking
• Where Angels Fear to Tread
• Through the Glass Darkly
• The Paragon of Animals
• Forged in Life
• In the Blink of an Eye
• Into the Valley of the Shadow
• The Eagle's Gift
• There and Back Again
• To Die in Your Arms
• Shoes, Ships, and Sealing Wax

Sample Gallery

• 
• 

The Planned Sequel

The author meant to publish a sequel in September 1998 titled "Being True."

From the author at the end of "To Thine Own Self Be True":

When an unexpected and violent episode at Mickey's Place causes the gentle DJ, Mick, to lose the one he loves, conditions make it impossible for him to openly seek the help of the Cascade PD. In desperation, Mick calls in the debt Jim owes him from To Thine Own Self and our two heroes are plunged into the dark side of gay nightlife.

Forced to go undercover in a dangerous and frightening environment, Jim begins to understand things about himself that both frighten and enthrall him. As he is drawn deeper and deeper into the dark side of Cascade's gay subculture in his attempt to find Mick's loved one, Jim unwittingly becomes the target of the kidnappers himself. A tale of sensual self-discovery and frightening intrigue, Being True is a sweetly sensual tale that begins two months after the events in To Thine Own Self. Through gentle experimentation, Jim discovers how much he likes and then craves taking a submissive position in their shared sexual adventures, but he is unable to reconcile this longing with his image of himself. But evil has a way of using our weaknesses against us. Feeding on Jim's most secret desires, the deviance the Sentinel witnesses on the dark side begins to intrigue, then dominate, his soul. Forced to go undercover as a stripper, Blair seeks Jim, determined to find his lover before it is too late. Can Blair successfully infiltrate this dark gay-subculture and save Jim before he is changed forever by the evil that surrounds him?

Coming soon...

Reactions and Reviews

Realistic plot? Believable depiction of the psyches of two previously heterosexual adult males? NOT! A lot of long, drawn-out, *hot* sex scenes? [nods vigorously] Uh-huh!

I loved the first few chapters, and the use of the innovative original character of Luca Santos. However, the rest of the novel took off in a totally different direction. For example:...

"I'll never stop loving you, Blair, never. This is forever, my love," Jim whispered when the small body went limp in his embrace. Laying his lover carefully on the bed and moving beside him, Jim pulled Blair into his arms, making no attempt to call his Guide back from his drifting. Hugging the shivering man to his chest protectively, Jim stroked the tangle of curls murmuring, "My love, my precious love."

And lines like:

"Oh, Blair! My brave, beautiful Blair. I'm inside you!" Jim cried, his voice trembling with awe at his body's sensations."

If you safely got through that without going into sugar-shock, you'll love this story... It's a sweet story, but highly unrealistic, filled with plot holes you could drive a truck through, and it's a toss-up who gets the more femmed throughout (both Jim and Blair take turns acting like 13-year-old girls). The ending was very unsatisfying, because just when something psychologically compelling and interesting is introduced, the story ends! I understand a sequel is in the works, but feel that it should have been a part of this novel, or the two should have been published together, since it really feels incomplete where it ends now.

– Raonaid's Zine Recommendations

All right, let me say up front, that I’m torn between loving this zine and not. That was really helpful, right? Okay, here is why I didn’t.

The idea of Jim having so much trouble with a mid-life crisis is believable. Especially when he realizes he is perhaps gay. (Or at least really happy.) This part was fine, but he does something in the beginning that bugged me big time. And the only reason he stopped doing what he was doing, was because all of a sudden he could smell that Blair was crying. I can’t see Jim forcing himself on Blair at any time. I also can’t see Blair pushing Jim as he did in this story. If someone is truly on the edge, don’t shove him off. Wrong strategy. In my opinion anyhow. So actually it was mutual pushing and force. I really disliked that about the story.

Now what is really strange, is that it never happens again. In fact, I almost forgot about it as I read on. Which is actually a good thing. Says that the writer let us get over it and move on. Thank god for that.

Okay, the next thing I really disliked is all the talk about who was going to be the bottom. Maybe I just didn’t get it. This would not be a first. Sad but true. Everyone raise their hands that think that Jim would continue fucking Blair if Blair was not enjoying it. That’s what I thought. I just didn’t find this part believable.

Okay, now as a rundown, the first part was in the beginning of the story and this last part was towards the end. So in between, it was a kick ass story. I really liked it.

Oh wait a minute, I remembered something else... Geeze, I hate when Jim picks Blair up and carries him in the loft or anywhere else. That makes me nuts. Anyhow, how does anyone else feel about this? My hubby thinks it’s so un-Jim like. But he also thinks it’s un-Blair like too. Mind you, he does see Slash in The Sentinel now, doesn’t want to think about it, but still he sees it. And he doesn’t believe that Blair would let Jim carry him for one moment.

There are some people in this zine story that are terrific. I loved them so much and hoped Rainy Day would write a sequel to answer a few things for me. And I’ll be damned but she’s working on one now I guess. I’m looking forward to it. Maybe she’ll let Blair walk though.

It sounds like I don’t like this zine, but I really did. I just like to point out those squicky points to everyone in case they have the same squicks. I hope this helped somewhat.

This story was full of good Jim and Blair angst. Tons of it, actually. And I loved that about it. I love a good h/c novel. This one was no exception. I’m really hoping that my opening remarks don’t make everyone think it was a terrible story, because it wasn’t. There were some sweet, tender and funny moments in this story that I wouldn’t want anyone to miss out on. By all means read it. I’m just the warning type.