Say My Name (Star Trek: TOS story)

Fanfiction
Title:	Say My Name
Author(s):	Shelley Butler
Date(s):	1995
Length:
Genre(s):	slash
Fandom(s):	Star Trek: TOS
Relationship(s):	Kirk/Spock
External Links:
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Say My Name is a K/S story by Shelley Butler.

It was published in the print zine First Time #42.

Summary

"Spock is forced to confess his feelings for Kirk while both are held by Gary Mitchellʼs power."

Reactions and Reviews

1995

An intense, tense, taut story. I loved its focus—it is very much a whole, of a piece, a drama basically involving only Kirk and Spock, with Gary Mitchell as the catalyst, with no other messy plot distractions. Any padding of the story-line was simply not necessary; the important elements of jeopardy, growth, etc. were stronger for that. I was very much able to "see" the episode; and yet this took a fascinating twist away from it. My favorite kind of story.

I am not one who had much feeling one way or the other about Mitchell. I didn't "hate" him, but I wasn't particularly drawn to him in any way either. Well, Shelley has made me care about him very much, in fact, love him in a way, because she convinced me of Kirk's strong feelings for him. Mitchell is not just an asshole as many see him; he is a heart-stirringly tragic figure in this story. And as the transformed Mitchell-creature, he is drawn so vividly, just as we saw him in the episode. His power jumps off the page.

Since I don't want to read or write excruciating bittersweet death scenes of Kirk or Spock, I really appreciate getting to experience such a poignant one of someone I do care about, Mitchell.

Spock's pain is intensely beautiful, wrenching — his exquisite shame over lusting after Kirk. God, I hurt for him, his naively thinking he could talk to Gary Mitchell about the captain to find out what he ached to know about the man Jim Kirk. His quiet question [not verbatim] to such a crudely lustful guy as Mitchell, "Did it take you long to form a friendship with the captain?" was just anguishing. So naive, vulnerable.

It came across extremely sexy, Spock's having such "base" feelings for Kirk. But so terrible that Mitchell knows and uses it against both of them. And of course it was unbearably awful to experience with Spock his disgusting disgrace over his "mortifying arousal at Kirk's degradation."

After the whole incident with Mitchell was over, I adore when Kirk tells Spock what it was that had finally changed his relationship with Mitchell; it was the moment he met Spock!

Kirk and Spock didn't specifically talk about what had been actually a rather horrible intimacy on the planet. After all, Kirk was being fucked by Gary (even though this was nothing new in itself, not really a rape; they had had sex before and quite likely "rough" sex) in front of Spock, and then there was Spock's blatant arousal at witnessing this, which Kirk saw. Under any circumstances, this would be an incident which would change a relationship in some way, whether just two friends, captain/first officer, or whatever. But they did talk more generally, of "what happened to Mitchell." In a way, it seemed Kirk was too easy and accepting. Spock reveals to Kirk his deepest shame, and Kirk's like, oh it's cool, you're just expressing your feelings, and by the way, I feel the same. Of course it wasn't written so casually like this, not at all, but still, I felt Kirk needed to acknowledge Spock's feelings of shame more.

And when Spock realized Kirk had the same feelings about him, he was able to release his shame and constraints. I feel just a few lines were needed here, of something expressly showing this transition in Spock, from his shame, to the owning of his Vulcan warrior lover self. The before and after were shown beautifully, vividly, but the moments of transition would have enhanced it. Then, it was wild and absolutely beautiful sex.

I love the title-theme and the poem-quote. Awesome. And the poem at the end, presumably by Robin, is quite fine.

A taut, intense story written in a clear, concise style, Shelley's signature purple prose seems to have evolved into a far more interesting shade of lavender.

This is a story based on the "where No Man Has Gone Before" episode and although I have never liked the Gary Mitchell character, Shelley has succeeded in creating a truly despicable villain. Here, Mitchell is not your usual cardboard K/S adversary, but a complex, fully realized being capable of great cruelty, who unfortunately possesses the power to indulge it. He takes a perverse delight in raping Spock's mind, where he discovers our Vulcan's secret love and desire for his captain.

Spock's pain at having his innermost thoughts revealed is wonderfully done. You can actually feel his shame and anguish, both for lusting after Kirk in the first place and then for having Kirk find out about it. And then Mitchell does the unforgivable. Suffice it to say, I literally smiled in satisfaction when he finally got his.

I did have a problem with one particular scene, I find it impossible to believe that anyone, let alone Spock, could become sexually aroused watching the person they loved being horribly raped. Love is the key work here. We're not talking about voyeurs or sadists; we're talking about a fine, noble man truly in love with another. Such a man would not be turned on watching his beloved being brutalized and degraded.

This one point aside, I found the story completely riveting, A fine example of how absolute power corrupts absolutely.

The sex between Kirk and Spock went way, way beyond hot...Christ, Shell, talk about crash and burn!! Sure got me inspired, I can tell you. I grabbed my husband and...well, never mind about that. I wonder thought if that's why he's suddenly out checking the mailbox all the time. Keeps looking for zines by a Shelley Butler, Says he doesn't want me to miss any. He doesn't have to worry, I won't.

I thoroughly enjoy disliking Gary Mitchell and have always taken pleasure from a well-structured yarn crafted around jealousy. This fits the bill.

Once, when I was young, I believed in love at first sight but never have I see it more perfectly described. And I loved the little differences—Kirk stepping off a shuttle in the hangar deck onto his beloved Enterprise for the first time rather than the oft-depicted appearance on the transporter pad. (Shelley, can you draw this with other media than words? Spock transfixed by his first sight of the one who's destined to command his soul?) "The captain was beautiful. The golden bronze hair backlit by the shuttle's flashing running lights; an errant lock falling casually from a neatly trimmed regulation haircut; green eyes flecked with gold; thick, long eyelashes casting shadows on smooth cheeks; lips punctuated on either side by tiny dimples; and the smile." Who wouldn't fall in love? And the introduction; "Thank you, Mr. Spock," the beautiful captain said. Spock. Say my name again."

How like Spock to behold his love for Kirk as both a source of shame and a treasure he holds hidden in his heart, quiet and wonderful. It was amazing that I could be drawn into a remembered scene of lust from Kirk's and Mitchell's past and I believe it could happen. I have a well-established mental block that generally prevents such acceptance. Then, suddenly, there's the Gary Mitchell I love to hate, the one with no morals, no feelings, who pounds relentlessly at Spock's mind until he penetrates the hidden places where his love hides. Now I hate Mitchell!

The course of this saga was unpredictable and compelling, never letting the reader rest. At the end, as both K & S faced their own truths, I held my own breath, heard my own heart racing, just as Spock's must have been. Finally Kirk confesses his love. My heart is breaking. Now they can be together—and Spock turns and leaves! Aaaghrrr!

Oh, but it isn't over. There follows—at long last—a love scene, a love making that fairly leaps off the pages with heat with desperate passion. And then Kirk says his name.... Wow!!

1998

I thoroughly enjoy disliking Gary Mitchell and have always taken pleasure from a well-structured yarn crafted around jealousy. This fits the bill... It was amazing that I could be drawn into a remembered scene of lust from Kirk's and Mitchell's past and I believe it could happen. I have a well-established mental block that generally prevents such acceptance. Then, suddenly, there's the Gary Mitchell I love to hate, the one with no morals, no feelings, who pounds relentlessly at Spock's mind until he penetrates the hidden places where his love hides. Now I hate Mitchell! The course of this saga was unpredictable and compelling, never letting the reader rest. At the end, as both K & S faced their own truths, I held my own breath, heard my own heart racing, just as Spock's must have been. Finally Kirk confesses his love. My heart is breaking. Now they can be together—and Spock turns and leaves! Aaaghrrr! Oh, but it isn't over. There follows—at long last—a love scene, a love making that fairly leaps off the pages with heat, with desperate passion. And then Kirk says his name.... Wow!!"

Ever since I read this story, I have been asking myself why the possibility of a relationship between Kirk and Gary Mitchell never occurred to me before. As presented in this piece, it is totally believable and also sheds some welcome light on a character to whom I had never bothered to give much thought.

There are several things about Shelley's handling of this scenario which I really admire. First of all, she portrays Mitchell as a complex and rather tragic figure rather than simply as a jerk. While the events of "Where No Man Has Gone Before" are beautifully woven into the story and form a convincing basis for his despicable behavior during that time, those of his Academy days give us a better idea of who he was up until the accident which turned him into a monster. Cadet Mitchell is shown to have been cocky, headstrong and arrogant but not overtly cruel. His passion for the young Kirk seems genuine. I especially like that he is also intelligent enough to recognize that despite the fact that he sets out to manipulate a shy and inexperienced freshman, Jim Kirk ends up controlling him. Their sexual relationship as cadets is entirely believable in the context of the story, as is Kirk's mature state of mind by the time he assumes command of the Enterprise.

Interestingly, Gary Mitchell and Spock are portrayed as having one very important thing in common: they both fell in love with James Kirk at first sight. I have no trouble believing this of Mitchell, especially given his description of their first meeting. Though the idea of Spock being immediately smitten is attractive, it's also a little harder far me to accept, but fortunately not impossible in a case like this where it is so beautifully presented.

I felt really involved in the emotions of all three major characters, which is maybe what I want most from any story. As for the sex scenes,..let's just say they're hot! Kirk and Mitchell's encounter on the library lawn, as related by Gary to Spock, is especially memorable. And Kirk's first time with Spock is wonderfully satisfying as it resolves the story's title theme. In fact, "satisfying" would be a good way to describe this entire reading experience. Thank you, Shelley; I'll never look at Gary Mitchell in quite the same way again!