Sadness, Loss & Love

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K/S Fanfiction
Title: Sadness, Loss & Love
Author(s): Deanna Gray
Date(s): 2000
Genre: slash
Fandom: Star Trek: The Original Series
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Sadness, Loss & Love is a Kirk/Spock story by Deanna Gray.

It was published in the print zine First Time #51.


"The crew of the Enterprise meets up with the monsters of Alien."

Reactions and Reviews

The events of this story take place after Star Trek V but well before Star Trek VI. Spock is still coming to terms with his death and rebirth. His feelings for Kirk and his need to be by his captain's side are his only constants, but he does not yet fully trust his memories of his life before Genesis, and feels his controls are not what they were. Still Spock is the one to take that last step over the line: "You are the one surety in my life, Jim. Do you need me to say the words? Very well. I wish to be your lover, and one day your mate. I want to join with you in ways Vulcan and Human, rejoicing in our similarities and differences. I wish to spend my life at your side, your companion in all things. You are where I belong. You are my home." Lovely, isn't that? And so Spock. I can hear Spock's voce very dearly in my head. This author writes excellent dialog. Very true to the characters.

They are still in the first blush of a sexual relationship, still juggling how their new private relationship will affect their professional one when they are plunged headlong into a serious confrontation with an alien race of beings from outside the galaxy. Think Alien meets Star Trek! I donl want to spoil this story for anyone since it is newly published, so I'm going to stop myself here, but if you like action/adventure with loads of fine plot details, this story is for you. The author obviously spent lots of time organizing and planning her plot, and she goes out of her way to tie up her loose ends. I always appreciate an author who does that.

Ms. Gray has burst onto the K/S scene within the last year or two, and boy, are we lucky to have her! Great story, Deanna. It had me on the edge of my seat from first page to last. [1]
Another excellent story by this most wonderful K/S author.

The story starts quickly which sets the pace, as Kirk and Spock declare their love for each other. It takes place right after the fal-tor-pan and they're on the Enterprise. These are two aspects of a story that I really enjoy—the time period and being on the ship together.

The whole set-up is so cool—they will bond, but in due time. But right now they've got a mission to deal with. I just love this anticipation and tension—you just know something's going to happen to keep them apart. This technique of building excitement in her stories is one of Ms. Gray's fortes.

There's also a wonderful series feel and technology information that even I could understand!

After a meeting when everyone has left the room, they kiss. I don't believe they would "fraternize" while on duty, but hey! Who am I to grouse over a little fraternization?

Then there's a wonderfully exciting scene on the bridge when Spock challenges Kirk's decision to beam aboard the ship that's floating in space. It's such a cool scene—Kirk gets furious and they talk about it and come to the realization that they fear for each other. Except Spock senses danger, but cant express it. All the neat "alien" scenario—it's so riveting and a page-turner! The only misstep was Spock, bare handed, touching the slime-covered walls. Reminded me of the episode "The Naked Time" where what's-his- name takes off his glove, touches the console and then rubs his face under his environmental suit!

One part of a scene was written so visually—like watching a movie—when in the science lab, Spock investigates a structure that looks like an alien egg. He's concentrating, it's quiet, so is the reader, then, "beep, beep, beep" of his communicator. Scary!

Oh, a great typo: "Spock noted the sterile suite the doctor was now wearing...."

There's an excellent scene where McCoy questions Spock about being lovers with Kirk. And when Spock beams down to the planet to investigate a crashed scout ship, there's lots of vivid and clear details.

Then one of the most exciting scenes I've ever read in K/S—whether or not you've seen "Alien"—Spock and landing party are horribly attacked by creatures and finally Spock wakes up in sickbay.

What a gloriously sad scene between Kirk and him when they spend the nighttogether in passionate love, maybe for the last time. I had tears—rarely do I ever have tears! And I actually had to look at the last page just to make sure I still saw Spock's name! Believe me, that was a first.

The whole scene where Spock melds with the mother alien was so tense and scary.

Anyhow, I guess you get the point. I loved this story! [2]
Oh my. What a treat to read this story. A give a way here—this is a crossover story between the "Alien" and "Star Trek" (right after STV) universes. I have always been a huge fan of "Alien" and "Aliens" (hated Alien 3 and Alien 4 was so-so). I remember so vividly sitting in one of those huge Century big screen theaters (the one where the screen curves, and the seats are stadium style) in 1979. I had never heard of Sigoumey Weaver. I was a big fan of Tom Skerritt, and of Yaphet Kotto, and knew of Veronica Cartwright from her stint on the Daniel Boone TV show. So, when Captain Dallas was killed right away—well, I didn't believe it! I thought he was somewhere in the ship, and would show up eventually to save the crew.

So as I came to realize that Siguomey Weaver was going to be THE SURVIVOR—well, more than the survivor—the hero, the main protagonist, I was enthralled! What a concept! What a movie! Go, Ripley! I went to see that movie several times in the theater.

However, I caught the similarity between the episode "Devil in the Dark" and the movie "Alien", and more importantly in, "Aliens". An alien creature, a "mother" trying to protect her young. In Star Trek, our characters were advanced enough to "think outside of the box", to be not only concerned with their survival, but also of the alien(s).

In 1987, after "Aliens" came out and "Star Trek: The Next Generation" was just starting, I attended a Star Trek convention where Majel Barrett was the guest speaker, and also mentioned the similarities between "Devil" and "Aliens". She commented on how Gene Coon had found a way to write a story that wasn't "just get the bad guys", but to educate people that there are two sides of the same story.

So, to read Ms. Gray's story, where she successfully writes in the horror flavor of both "Alien" and "Aliens" (Ridley Scott, who directed "Alien", said the movie was basically a haunted house in space movie), and the science/logic/compassion of Star Trek, and the mission of Star Trek to explore new worlds, new civilizations, etc., and create a PLAUSIBLE AND WORKABLEsolution to the problem. And oh, weave in a very well done first time encounter between Kirk and Spock.

It's like being in a candy shop! Yummy! Good read. [3]
This novella takes place on the Enterprise 5. It starts with Kirk and Spock become lovers, and both thinking about bonding. Then there suddenly is a distress call from a ship, which was sent to search for a disappeared science vessel.

When they reach the ship Spock prevents Kirk not to beam over, and Kirk is not happy with that, telling Spock that this was the first and last time. Instead of Kirk, Spock goes, and he finds some strange alien things, and one survivor in a kind of cocoon. The woman dies shortly after her rescue.

Spock discovers the lost science ship is on a planet Aanthal IV, and without telling Kirk he goes to investigate. There he is attacked by an alien, the same that left the cocoon and other substances on the ship.

Kirk is very angry that Spock went on without telling him. Then it turns out that the alien is a kind of parasite, who lays her egg in the body of a host, who dies by giving birth to the young one.

The alien life-form turns out to be very malevolent and there is no other way to stop it as to destroy it.

Spock carries a new queen, and if that will be born the galaxy will be lost. So before the new queen is bom the alien has to be destroyed. Spock realizes he has to kill himself if necessary to prevent that from happening.

Spock want a final night with Kirk but he refuses to bond with him, however, a strong link is formed.

You can imagine that finally it ends well, but there is a lot interesting going on before that happens.

It is a thrilling story, one I will certainly read again, with an interesting new and plausible alien. It is somewhat somber and full of angst and of course some good sex; intriguing and well written, and needs a concentrated read, just as I like it. [4]
Besides this being an ambitious telling of an "Alien"- type story, I really love a first-time with the older men. This is after ST5; and just one of the small aspects I appreciated was the satisfying explanation of why Spock never mentioned his "brother" to Kirk.

I love the talk they have, meeting up in the observation deck after wandering the ship during night shift. I love this: Spock is disturbed that Kirk would have thought he would go with Sybok. It's so beautiful what he says: I follow you. Only you.

And many more very beautiful words. I think it's so much more powerful, sentiments such as this coming from these older characters. Not that I don't also love them young, but the same words and feelings don't have quite the same impact from the younger men as when they're older. By now they totally know what life is about, who they are; and that kind of love is transcendent. Even the aspect of them not being in their physical prime anymore lends a real tenderness to their affection for each other...yet to see them together older is every bit as sexy, if not more. That's putting it rather simply, but I just wanted to acknowledge Deanna for setting this story during the later years.

I loved Spock talking about the years of mental confusion after the refusion, and about those moments themselves when he first saw Kirk. That Kirk was the only one he knew.

Ah, and then the kiss, "the final link in the circle of their friendship." This is so wonderful, the sex scene here. Beautiful vivid words, but not overly. Very natural- feeling writing here.

As I read this, I couldn't help but be sorry this wonderful first-time love scene was in the beginning of the story, without a lot of build-up (except their background of all the years). But it was obvious from this that there was a major story yet to be told.

Throughout the "alien" story there are bits and pieces of the status of this new relationship. They're not bonded yet, but a mating linkhas formed.

I know I'm focusing on the K/S part of this story, but all the rest is complex and appropriately scary. It's a good, classic tale of an invasion into our space by "bad" aliens, ala the movies of the same name. If Deanna borrowed from those movies for the aliens and their forms and ways, I don't mind at all.

I will say there was some amount of potential for confusion during all this, what with two or more different ships besides the Enterprise, and also a ship being on the planet surface, and people going back and forth all over, and with aliens in all different life-stage forms (so at first I thought there were like three different aliens happening here). I don't think there's fault in the writing, but I think in a long story that I, and presumably others, read not all in one sitting but in sections, then it can be hard to remember where the action is taking place when you pick it up the next time.

Here's a tech quibble: Could "the far rim of the galaxy" be only three days away?

I love the scene on the bridge when Spock tries to make Kirk let him go to the other ship, instead of Kirk going, This is in front of the crew, and Kirk is steaming and they have to go a briefing room and have it out. They're just going to have to keep living with being in danger and unable to protect each other.

So, I won't go into detail about the horrible aliens and how they cocoon their victims, and implant their larva inside the lungs, etc. And how we have a very personal stake in this—it isn't just Kirk and Spock side- by-side fighting these aliens. This was all very well thought out and presented, where these other life- forms came from, how they work, etc., and Spock's unique and scary part in it. They kind of remind me of the Borg, too. Ruthless killing machines with the hive- mind and all.

And as I said, there continues to be beautiful scenes between Kirk and Spock, up to the very end when success --their very lives -- is no way yet guaranteed.

There's room in this whole scenario for some wonderfully tragic stuff-facing death, especially in view of their newborn relationship. Oh, painful.

The ending of the alien-action scenario was suitably exciting and dramatic. Also realistic, as it all was-no small feat. And I liked very much the service for the dead, being able to visualize that, as we had seen Spock's.

The ending as far as Kirk and Spock was wonderful. Very, very nice sex scene here (and throughout), and now they are bonded finally and can begin this beautiful lifetogether.

I couldn't help holding my breath at the end, though, thinking an alien was going to pop out of the air vent or whatever. [5]
"Sadness, Loss and Love" by Deanna Gray is about 65 pages long, and it starts after Star Trek 5. Spock and Kirk are on the Enterprise A. I am not giving away all the plot in this LOC. (I am inconsistent in my reviews, I know. Sometimes I give away a lot of details and sometimes I don't.)

Somewhere near the beginning of the story, Spock and Kirk have their first time aboard the Enterprise A. Kirk wants to bond. Before they can seriously discuss this, they get a distress signal from the Tucana which was sent to the Aanthal system to investigate the disappearance of the Quotara which was studying some "evolutionary anomalies." When they reach the area, Aanthal V, they find the Quotara. Spock and Kirk have a major disagreement on the bridge because Spock doesn't want Kirk to go over on the ship. It turns out that Spock is now worried more about Kirk 's safety, and Kirk does not appreciate this. Spock wins this time, but Kirk lets him know it will be the last time.

Spock goes over to the Quotara, and there is a strange alien substance all around. They find one crew member in a cocoon who they try to save. She later dies grotesquely on the Enterprise.

The Tucana is on Anathal V, and Spock investigates without telling Kirk. There is the same alien substance around and more cocoons. An alien creature attacks Spock.

Spock ends up in sickbay, and Kirk is extremely angry. Spock recovers, and they figure out that there is an alien life form about that needs live people to gestate and then when born, it kills the host and goes on to attack and kill other people.

Spock ends up going to the planet and finding the nest or hive of the aliens, and he can tell the queen alien is dying. Things keep happening, and finally Spock realizes the queen is somehow gestating in him and when reborn will mean that the alien life continues. By this time, it is dear that this life form is malevolent. Spock knows he must kill himself if it comes to that to save the others.

However, before he's forced to do that, he wants a final night of sex with Kirk. Kirk still wants to be bonded, but Spock still refuses. They have sex, and somehow a mating link forms. (This is not a bond.)

There's a lot more to the story (after all, it's 65 pages), but I'll let you discover that for yourself. It's an exciting story to read, but does require concentration or you might get lost in some of the plot details. And as I'm writing this from my notes, it's entirely possible that I might have messed up some of the details myself that I've given. I won't tell you how it ends, but consider that it is a First Time zine story, you can probably guess that it is not going to end unhappily despite the story's title, which is a little on the somber side. It's a good exciting story with a lot of plot and action in it. [6]
I recently wrote a review of Jenna Sindair's fantastic story "Pacing the Cage", which I feel is one of the best, if not the best, K/S stories I have read in twenty years.

Well, now I found another one. I have had the rare opportunity of seeing this woman grow as a writer and while many of her early stories were lacking somewhat in quality, the potential for greatness was there and it has come to full fruition in her latest story, "Of Sadness, Loss and Love."

In this work, Deanna borrows the storyline from the "Alien" movie series, espedally #2 and replaces Ripley, Newt and the Marines with the TOS crew. (On a side note, I enjoyed "Alien" 1, LOVED "Alien" 2, was very disappointed in "Alien" 3 and laughed aloud at "Alien" 4.)

So the fact that Deanna just happened to borrowthe plot line from one of my all-time favorite science fiction flicks outside of Star Trek only enhanced my enjoyment of the story, although I am sure I would have loved it.

In this version, the story takes place after the events of Star Trek V. Spock is still coming to terms with who he is after the refusion, but one thing he is sure of is his relationship with Kirk and the fact he wants it to go further. The two become lovers, but just as their new relationship burgeons, the Enterprise receives a call from Starfleet Command about a distress call from an automated freighter that was sent to a star system to investigate the disappearance of a science vessel that was exploring the system. Here the storyline dosely follows "Alien" 1. Spock and a team are sent to investigate what is going on and are subsequently attacked. Spock is left unconsdous and unbeknownst to him at the time, is implanted with an alien fetus. Later on he discovers what has happened and finds out he is carrying a queen. I don't really want to give too many details as to what happens after that, since I do not want to ruin anyone's enjoyment of the story if they have not read it yet, but suffice to say that the author takes the reader on a harrowing ride as Spock and Kirk race against time to destroy the creatures and yet somehow try to figure out how to save Spock's life. And yet while all of this is going on, the author never lets the reader forget that this is a K/S story and there are scenes of such love and tenderness between the two men that they just took my breath away. There are times when the story becomes complex, but I never got confused when I read it. The author's writing is dear and precise and while there were a lot of twists and turns, I never lost track of the storyline.

I also loved the way the older Kirk and Spock were portrayed in this story, espedally Spock. Other K/S stories I have read that have taken place during this time have been to me somewhat lacking, as no one ever seems to be quite dear exactly what Spock is like after the events in ST III, IV and V. Deanna does a great job with this situation and her older Spock is very believable and very much in character. I also love Kirk's all-fire determination, so typical of him, that Spock is NOT gdng to die again. Period.

As I said before, I really don't want to give too much away, but if you want to read a K/S story that has it all, this one is not to be missed (not to mention the added benefit of the artwork, which is FANTASTIC!). I highly, highly recommend this story. It is a truly incredible piece of work from someone who has, in a very short time, become one of the best K/S authors around today. [7]
I recently read this again and decided I had to do an LOC. This is two stories in one: A real trekkie adventure and a K/S love story that takes place after the events in ST V. The storyline is very much like the "Alien" movie series.

I admit, I prefer relationship stories more than trekkie sagas, so I was pleased that Deanna chose to deal with the K/S aspect of the story right from the beginning rather than waiting until half way through. For me that really worked because this is quite a long story and there's lots of twists and turns, ships and aliens, etc.

So I appreciated the K/S first to lead me into the rest And it's a nice change not to have to wait til the end of a story for a lovely"first time" with the guys. Also, what is really nice is an older K&S. I feel they were written realistically and as sexy and passionate older as they are younger. And since this is a long story, there is move than one great love scene. I wont get into the rest 'cuz ifs hard to explain and you'll just have to read it!

Very well written and satisfying! [8]
Once in awhile a story suffuses you with the unique warmth of K/S from the very beginning. With only one character present, Deanna does this. The character is Spock, stalking the decks of Enterprise A, coming finally to lean against the great wooden ship’s wheel, the universe spread before him. Facing this panorama, he concludes that the stars are not home – home is by the side of one special being. In a moment that being enters the room and the magic unfurls. There is a lightness, a humor, and an underlying sense of love and concern, all conveyed in Kirk’s single sentence, “I’ve had a number of reports from third shift about a certain prowling Vulcan.” It’s all there, and you are on the first page.

Just as acceptable as the tenderness is the fierce desire that consumes them as soon as they touch in intimacy. “...nor was it slow or tender,” Deanna writes, “Their love had been decades in the making and now that the time was ripe for expression, it demanded strength and conviction.” When they are relaxed again in each others arms and Kirk finds the breath to say “I love you,” we read “The words lodged themselves in Spock’s heart. A precious pain....” What a description! Oh, and the meld follows so naturally and they slide “into the gentle dark of slumber together.” Ahhhhh. Just as I was settling in for a smooth ride with the new lovers, things took an interesting turn on the Enterprise. Investigating a derelict ship, Kirk says he’s beaming over and tells Spock he has the Con. “No Sir,” Spock says. Doesn’t that rattle you? Can you imagine the quiet that settles over the bridge? Quite an argument follows, but emotions are so tightly reined that you feel no animosity, no dilution of the strong feelings between them. Hence, this is a believable and beautiful example of how well Kirk and Spock are going to handle their new relationship. Their character and integrity shines through.

They move to the briefing room where Kirk says softly, “I know it’s hard now because we’re lovers.” Spock replies, “It has always been hard.” What volumes this speaks. I cannot tell you how impressive it is to see this kind of strength in such a difficult situation. I have never had the pleasure of seeing them both so reasonable and honest. Usually in similar situations there is much misunderstanding and anger. There is none of that here. Kirk is actually giving in, setting his pride and stubborn command image aside to be the considerate mate. This is a scene you must not miss! That being said, there follows a terrifying drama with more moments of tension and horror than you can easily imagine. Truly this is a story with all the elements of fine fiction: love, action, fear and believable plot. My favorite part? “We are on duty, Sir.” “Yes. We are.” Ahem.

If you don’t know what that is all about, I say again, you simply must read this story!! [9]
My second favorite K/S story of all time is a prime example of this. Written by Deanna Gray, it is titled "Sadness, Loss and Love" and takes place during the time of STV: The Final Frontier. I honestly believe that if that movie had never been made and Deanna had no choice but to place that story in the TOS timeline, it would not have turned out the way it did. That's because the older Spock in her story handles the situation he finds himself in a much different way than the younger Spock would. And that difference is what makes this story work. [10]


  1. from The K/S Press #49
  2. from The K/S Press #50
  3. from The K/S Press #51
  4. from The K/S Press #51
  5. from The K/S Press #51
  6. from The K/S Press #54
  7. from The K/S Press #54
  8. from The K/S Press #55
  9. from The K/S Press #70
  10. from The K/S Press #110, in response to a fan's comments in A 2005 Interview with Jesmihr