Reminiscence (Star Trek: TOS story)

Fanfiction
Title:	Reminiscence
Author(s):	M.E. Carter
Date(s):	1996
Length:
Genre(s):	slash
Fandom(s):	Star Trek: TOS
Relationship(s):	Kirk/Spock
External Links:	on AO3
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Reminiscence is a Kirk/Spock story by M.E. Carter.

It was published in the print zine T'hy'la #17 (1996).

This story was the winner of a STIFfie Award in 1996.

Summary

"A/U: After his wifeʼs death, Admiral Kirk takes an extended visit to Spockʼs home on Hreldor."

Reactions and Reviews

1996

This is totally my kind of story - simple yet moving, and amazingly erotic. Told from Kirk's POV. in first person, and as a flash-back, the story begins late in his life. He has been married and widowed, and Spock has been conducting research on a planet called Hreldor for five years. Kirk, an admiral again, wangles a four-week "vacation" to Hreldor to visit Spock. There he finds that SpocK has made a nice life for himself in a quiet little house, away from Vulcan-though we come to find out later that Spock too has a wife and even a child back on Vulcan. Kirk and Spock soon realize their physical affinity for one another. They begin a passionate affair. When the vacation is over, it becomes hard to separate-for Jim to go back to HQ in San Francisco and to leave Spock behind. By the end of the story, they have figured out a way to stay together.

As I said, a simple story. But great K/S is in the details, and boy, does this story have details. Spock's wonderful little house is beautifully rendered; as well as his garden, the first sight of Jim's erotic desires for his friend. The back-story of Jim's marriage and Spock's relationship with his Vulcan wife and estranged daughter is poignant and uncomfortably personal as their years together continue; and the dread and pain of the final days before the end of Jim's vacation is intense and compelling. As in real life, their decision to remain together complicates their lives.

From the first paragraph I was intrigued by the portrayal of Kirk (what's new?). One "hears" an older voice: not only is he mature, but philosophical, glib, strong-willed and touching-a wonderful portrait, including his warning to a class of cadets (reminiscent of his admonition to Picard in Generations): "Don't give up what makes you happy without a damn good fight... Love the truth ... but don't be afraid to look for it in unexpected places. And don't be afraid to let it find you" Though we look at Spock through his eyes, Spock remains controlled, forthright, direct about sex, and ultimately accepting of the "hands" that life has dealt them. Because I really like stories that show them coming together later in life, their former separate lives seemed quite plausible to me-after the missions, the marriages, the promotions-when after decades, they finally stop doing what "they're supposed to" and look at one another and figure it out that they are meant for each other There is such poignancy and courage as they realize what could have been and such acceptance that well, it's okay. That's life.

The sex scenes here are some of the most erotic I've ever read. The axiom that Less is more applies here. With just a few words, sometimes just a sentence, the writer evokes stunning scenarios of strong male passion. Wow! Great technique (and I do mean Kirk and Spock too). All in all, a wonderful read. This one's a major keeper.

This is a bittersweet story of missed opportunities. It's original and unusual in that Kirk and Spock eventually get together, but in a relationship that is not all either man would wish. Each loves the other profoundly; neither can live without the other. Yet each of them-Spock more so than Kirk-must accommodate real-world imperatives and the choices he has made in the past. It's that rare gem in fan fiction, a story told successfully in the first person by Kirk.

I appreciated the story's maturity. The characters cope with their real-world obligations realistically, without melodrama. The writing is excellent and the dramatic development, satisfying. (I don't mean that the star-crossed lovers' situation is satisfying; I mean the story is good drama.) The author maintains a fine tension between the joy of consummation and the ache of regret.

If I have a quibble with the drama in this story, it's that Kirk's marriage to Eileen seemed almost gratuitous. I read this part of the story with interest. thinking Kirk's relationship with Eileen would constitute a further barrier to his ever getting together with Spock; however, when all was said and done, the marriage seemed to have little effect on the Kirk/Spock relationship. It seemed to me that it could have been left out without any material effect on the story. It's possible a closer reading of the story might change my mind-this is why I regret I don't have the zine with me.

The manner of Eileen's death struck me as just a little bit de trop. I couldn't help imagine it, the predictable wrongful death suit and settlement that should have made Kirk a multi-millionaire ... unless of course tort reform has become a reality by the 23rd century. Also, I would have liked to see more development of the conflict between Spock and his daughter over Kirk. Not speaking to one's parent or child for umpteen years seems to run in the family ... those Xtmprsqzntwflds! I wanted to see, through Kirk's eyes, how Spock felt about losing his relationship with his daughter. How did the breach affect Spock's relationship with Kirk? Surely it must have cast a shadow of some kind. I'd have loved to read a scene or two illustrating its impact dramatically. In sum, a well-written story about real characters and the compromises true lovers all too often must make in an imperfect world.

I almost didn't send in this LOC because I dread hurting anyone's feelings and I know how hard it is to write something and then put it out there for strangers to read. But this author is so talented that I felt she deserved to know why she failed to touch at least one member of her audience.

The writing itself is superb. No one could find fault with the structure, the POV (first person, Kirk), the grammar, or the punctuation. All of those who have seemed consumed by these aspects of K/S writing this past year should be jumping up and down with glee. The sex scenes are hot. Definitely carpet-thrashing time, as Shelley is so fond of saying. This author is also a magnificent wordsmith. She knows the perfect words to use in a given situation and has the uncanny ability to put you right into the story. Not an easy task, I might add. In short. M.E. Carter has the potential to be one of the great writers in fandom.

So what is my problem, you are probably asking yourself. My problem is that the above mentioned attributes are not the most important elements in a story for me. The feelings are. And I didn't like the feelings this story evoked in me. When I finished reading it there was a big, cold, hard lump sitting in the pit of my stomach. Where was the magic... the specialness of the K/S relationship? The love that transcends time and space? The love of a lifetime... the forever ever after kind of love? It sure wasn't here, at least for me.

This story spans a 15 year period in the lives of Kirk and Spock. Kirk is 65 and a widower when he looks at Spock in the garden and decides he wants to go to bed with him. Now he has never wanted this before, has never even thought about it before. In fact, he loved his wife completely and in his own words later on, still misses her even after he and Spock have been lovers for 15 years. Oh, please! I don't want to hear that. I don't want to be told that if his wife had never died, Kirk would never have wanted Spock? That Spock is simply a second-best choice.

And it is never mentioned that Spock ever had any ideas about Kirk either. He finds out what Kirk wants by touching him and then they jump each other By the way, Spock is bonded to someone else and goes to her during his pon farr while Kirk hangs around outside. Kirk is mildly upset about this, but that's about all I guess it's a foregone conclusion that Spock won't be following Kirk into the great beyond, their souls entwined for eternity. Oh well, not to worry, it won't be so bad. At least Spock will still have his wife to go home to every seven years. How wonderful!

Now, there is good sad, like the kind that fills your throat because it's so unbearably beautiful and poignant, and then there is just sad, as in depressing. I'm afraid this falls into the latter category. Stripped of all it's lovely phrases and carefully structured sentences, "Reminiscence" has reduced the wonder of K/S into what is basically just a story of two old guys having an affair. One of them. Spock, has left his wife and to all intents and purposes has abandoned his daughter to crawl into the sack with his oldest friend. Not exactly the stuff dreams are made of.

Now I freely admit that 1 have a romanticized and somewhat simplistic view of K/S. but it's the way I feel It's the way these two wonderful characters have always made me feel And if all I wanted to see in a story was two ordinary guys fucking, then I could just as easily be reading Starsky and Hutch. You can keep this reality... Give me back the magic.

This is a first person story told from Kirk's point of view, so it was right up my alley. He is looking back at the important relationships of his life from the perspective of more than eighty years. (I'm not quite sure of the necessity for making him that old. It does seem that some of the sexual acrobatics he engages in at 65+ and which apparently continue up until the present time might be a bit strenuous, but hey ...if anyone can do it Kirk can!)

I think it was Billie who mentioned how in her opinion Kirk's love for Edith didn't diminish his ability to later form a loving relationship with Spock. I can't say I agreed at the time, but in this story the author has made it work. Beautifully. Here a previous relationship with a woman (not Edith) serves to add depth to Kirk's characterization.

I've also never been a fan of sex scenes where lust instead of love is portrayed, but again the author laid down such a firm foundation of friendship and respect between Kirk and Spock that when the sex scene happens (and you've got to read it to believe it; it knocked my socks offl) it takes Kirk by as much surprise as it does the reader.

Yes. there are regrets: things happened that shouldn't have; things that didn't happen that should have, but they only served to make the story and characters all that much more believable.

Extremely moving. Exquisitely well-written. Made me want to pull the plug on my computer. Please, Ms. Carter, get busy on the next one!

An 80-something Kirk reminisces about his life and getting together with Spock when they were 60 or 70- something. Kirk is a widower and Spock is divorced with an estranged daughter. They led separate lives for many years.

Therein lies the problem for me.

I had strongly mixed emotions about this scenario. What disturbed me the most was that I could not see the cosmic love of the universe in these two. I saw two men, rather ordinary with rather ordinary lives, who didn't have a clue throughout their entire time together that there was anything other than a rather ordinary friendship between them (after all, years went by when they wouldn't see each other). I kept wondering what the hell took them so long! I understand timing, situation, regrets and all the things that get in the way, but by the time they do make love, they do it so easily and so naturally with a nice, calm relaxed enjoyment that I didn't know what stopped them before?

And maybe I didn't read closely enough, but I don't remember any mention as to why Kirk chose his life path with this Eileen woman, nor why Spock went off and fathered a kid—except that they just did. I didn't find the story tragic or sad at lost and wasted time — only frustrating and to be honest—maddening — but more on that later. I learned that Eileen liked to cook, but didn't care for chopping and peeling and that Spock had a marriage of convenience. Oh.

One day, 60-something-ish Kirk is struck with sexual attraction for Spock. It had been made clear that neither he nor Spock as far as I could tell had ever had an inkling of attraction earlier. Instead of feeling blown away by the enormity of the time lost between them and the power of their attraction, I felt irritated. What took them so long? Then Kirk is horrified at his feelings. I wanted to shake him. There's a line Kirk has where he questions why and Spock answers something like "just because".

And if that's not enough, Kirk can't stay with Spock because he "can't walk away from responsibilities like that, no matter how much I'd like to." Excuse me? What was it Kirk once said? Something about owing Spock his life and isn't that worth a career?

To top all this off, there's mention that everyone around them thought they were going to be together. Not the two, evidently. Didn't they ever get the hint?

Now I get to the kicker. As you might have seen by now, many others feel exactly the opposite of what I felt about this story. It seems that almost the exact things that I didn't like in this story, others loved. This is a perfect example of our wonderful diversity of taste, feeling and expression of K/S. Also, and I want to make this clear—the writing is really fine. The author is skilled and talented. No question. I am simply responding to the content. I don't want my K/S reduced. I want it enhanced. Don't think I don't like unhappy endings or tragedy in my K/S. And don't think I don't like "slice-of-life" K/S or stories where they are set in ordinary circumstances. Ordinary circumstances is fine, but not ordinary Kirk and Spock.

I want to say again that others found this scenario wonderful and tragic and poignant and moving. I know one might argue that "this is how life is". Yeah...for regular people maybe. But not for Kirk and Spock. They're not two regular guys. That's the whole point of K/S for me—the fact that their love transcends all.

I need to add one important comment. This story is a wonderful example of a terrific controversial story. I think that's the mark of an exciting story — you may love it or hate it — but nothing in-between. So no matter how you might feel about the story, it won't be one of those you can't remember.

I had really liked this author's only previous K/S effort, the Stiffie Award-winning novella Certainties of Being, so I was excited to see this story in T'hy'la.

I easily slid into the first person Kirk tale, and then was almost immediately taken aback by this Eileen person. I most definitely was not in the mood to read about Kirk being married to an English banker. I was on the brink of putting the zine down in great disappointment when I was saved by... food poisoning! Sorry, Eileen, you must have known this is what happens to any woman who dares to love James Kirk....

From there on I was alternately delighted, thrilled, chilled and ultimately satisfied by this unique story. I loved it, and to prove it to myself I've read it four times! It hasn't worn thin yet. Of course, I'm a sucker for this type of story that takes the guys outside their usual setting, when the guys are much older, (though I agree with Carolyn Spencer's earlier review that the sexual calisthenics are a bit much for as old as Kirk is through most of the story), and in essentially a domestic setting. I'm intensely interested in seeing what a garden devised and cared for by my favorite Vulcan looks like, what kind of house he'd live in, how Kirk would react to Spock's friends in a place he's lived in for five years, and whether they would express their affection for one another in public.

I loved the sheer reality in this story, even though it was difficult to take sometimes, and did not conform to the typical "everything turns out wonderfully well" K/S story. I loved the distance and time that stood between them in the beginning, as so often happens with old friends despite the affection that binds them. I loved that Kirk was willing to return to Earth with absolutely nothing settled between them, barely talked about. (At the risk of being sexist, that sounds like a lot of men I know.) I loved the typically Kirkian impulse that drove him at the last possible moment from the interstellar liner back into Spock's arms, gasping "I love you," and "I swear I'll be back." and then the same power and determination that allowed him to wrench himself away from those arms back to the liner, telling himself he was going towards "a future bright and mysterious as an undiscovered star." I loved the fact that it was Kirk who turned his life upside down to be with Spock, when in the typical K/S story it's Spock who makes such sacrifices.

I even loved what I know was a sticking point for at least one other fan, the fact that Spock is already bonded to a Vulcan woman, has a daughter, and is inevitably drawn to T'Kehr and not to Kirk at the time of pon farr. I shared Kirk's unbelieving sorrow as he tries to understand that. It was so sad when he had to help Spock to his bondmate's side, watch as Spock goes into her arms, endure the door closed in his face.

Even worse was when Kirk asks "Could you and I have bonded? Could it have been for us the way it is now between you and T'Kehr?" if only they'd awakened earlier to their passion for one another. When Spock says, "We could have shared everything," my heart thumps in sorrow.

I loved the fact that this was not a perfect scenario for them, that they are taking what they can of happiness despite the fact that it is incomplete. That's the way life is, and though I know K/S is escapist literature, I like an injection of the real, especially when it is handled by such an accomplished writer.

A few especially favorite sections. "He cried out again when I touched his balls. I had never heard a sound like that; I felt I would die if I could not hear it again and again and again. It was logic dying, or terrible desire being born." Ahem. Yes. Hot and sexy and insightful.

"Command was between us then, and we lived with the kind of danger which exacts a heavy toll for inattention. We moved often in circles of pain, sometimes to glory, always surviving because I believe we knew even then that neither of us could afford the price of defeat." Wow. "Circles of pain." "Then what if our passion should prove to be a sort of dangerous addiction, without purpose and without end? I did not say that to Spock. I did not really think it possible myself, except in that hidden place which forever expects to pay a price for happiness." Who among us hasn't endured that thought?

I have only two complaints about the story.

First, the internal timing doesn't work at all, that is the "so many years ago," etc. It doesn't add up, and I'm a real stickler for that. I think every story should have a time line that the author has constructed next to her computer so she can keep everything straight. On page 33 Spock says he was bonded to T'Kehr twenty years ago, and he couldn't have been at that point, I figure eight years given a year for gestation of T'Manda. And that means that Kirk actually married Eileen about a year before Spock bonded with T'Kehr, so the statement on page 43 about the adjutant on Chelstrom's staff being disappointed when first Spock bonded and then Kirk married is off. I spent twenty minutes trying to figure out all these events, and that's what I come up with. Anyway, don't try to follow the numbers in the story, just enjoy it.

The second problem I had with it was the structure, that the story sort of just tailed off at the end without any attempt made at a genuine climax. (The writing kind, you perverts!) Even given the first person pov and the casual approach, a story needs a reason for you to keep reading it to the end. I had the same problem with the author's other contribution this year, her novel Worlds Apart which I review in this issue. It's a far less obvious problem in Reminiscence because this is just a short story, but I still think it would have been strengthened by rearranging some of the events. Possibly making the pon farr with T'Kehr take place in real time (shown, not told), so that the emotional impact and Kirk's continued resolve to stay with Spock despite the deficiencies of their relationship could form the apex of the story. Or something similar to it.

I really liked this story, the differences in it, the skill with which it was written, the characterizations. I highly recommend it.

(And of course, there's always hope that food poisoning will strike again... this time on Vulcan....)

Isn't it interesting how the story "Reminiscence" by M.E. Carter has generated such diverse responses? It appears to be the kind of story that the reader either loves or hates. It's also fascinating to me that the exact same points of the story that caused me to love it, appeared to cause others to not be thrilled with it. I've always been interested in what makes Kirk and Spock like me, what connects their lives to my life, what makes them ordinary mortals. Then when they experience the transcendent with each other, it makes that event more accessible, more possible for me. Hey, if it can happen to them, then it can happen to the rest of us, my subconscious is undoubtedly rejoicing. So stories about the guys when they are older, when they have experienced sadness, when their love is intense but incomplete, are very attractive to me, but are obviously off-putting to others. I believe this might be a case of IDIC at work.

1997

I had heard that I would either love or hate this story. It didn't happen. I have mixed feelings about it, but I'm giving it a reluctant "thumbs down."

It's very well written and really held my interest. I enjoy stories about our guys getting together at an older age. I really liked being given detailed pictures of their daily lives.

I was terribly bothered by the fact that Spock had a bondmate, and it isn't Jim. Spock and his bondmate are not in love and choose not to live together. They are bound to the death, and Spock is drawn only to her during Pon Farr. He holds her in high regard as the mother of his child. So the K/S relationship seems reduced to an affair. I know it could happen, but it sure is painful.

Their first sex scene happened awfully fast. Within minutes they're having anal intercourse both ways. I wanted to go along for this ride, but I got left behind.

I was very moved by the spaceport scene, where Jim runs back to tell Spock he loves him. I was relieved when they were able to connect and arrange to be together. But I wanted more for them than this limited relationship.

1998

I liked this story, told in the words of an aging Kirk who is looking back at his life and at Spock’s as he also looks forward to the years to come. The relationship they have forged is not perfect, yet they have both managed to find contentment and joy. This Kirk is wiser and more mature than the young Kirk we saw in TOS, and the Spock he describes seems relaxed and quite comfortable with both the human and the Vulcan parts of his heritage.

In one passage I particularly liked, Kirk is thinking about kissing Spock in public: “I wondered what he would do if I were to kiss him right there. (I did not find out that night, but I did later. What he does is...kiss me back.)”

The love the two men share in this story seems exceptionally strong and sweet to me, perhaps because of the realistic imperfections with which they must come to terms.

2003

In November we got together to look at an old favourite, "Reminiscence". This is a bittersweet story of Kirk and Spock getting together in later life and the group was divided between those whose primary response was happiness because Kirk and Spock got together eventually, and those who felt sad because they had taken so long and wasted so much time.

This is a story where Kirk and Spock start off leading very separate lives. The back story has Kirk even marrying a ―terribly proper English woman, a term which caused much debate among our group of not so proper English women and led us to think she was very wrong for Kirk, although he seems at pains to speak only positively about her. Is he trying to convince himself? Spock also gets bonded to a Vulcan woman. The back story emphasises their independence so when they do come together it is clearly out of choice, not need. It is a ―coup de foudre type experience, something one normally associates with people who have only just met. The sudden flaring of passion takes both them and the reader by surprise, although some of us felt the relationship had been brewing gently under the surface all along. Whatever – the outcome is some of the hottest and most original K/S scenes any of us had ever read.

Some of us had reservations about the first person POV and were preoccupied by wondering about Kirk‘s audience for these revelations - Spock? a recording device? This actually threw some people out of the story at certain points and, for some, the ―you‘ll have to excuse me near the end broke the spell completely – although since the story was about to end maybe this was the author‘s intention?

This is clearly the work of a mature writer, and the way the K/S relationship simmers under the surface throughout is quite unusual. Both Kirk and Spock are fully realised, strong and independent with full lives. This story has the REJACK stamp of approval. If you haven‘t read it do - you are in for a real treat.

2004

Imagine hearing about all the years of courtship and love between Kirk and Spock directly from the renowned Admiral himself. This is an incredible treat. So different in both writing style, timeline and content, yet right on target with everything that matters. Early on, I was so disappointed that Kirk has remained on Earth after leaving the Enterprise and Spock has taken a number of assignments off-world in a scientific capacity. Both have married and lived their lives apart for many years. And then it happens. Having kept in touch infrequently through the years, they have an opportunity to spend some time together. What follows is a beautiful reunion, lovely reminiscing about past lives together and their time apart. Kirk tells us about how much he loved his wife, which is somehow painless for the reader, and how he lost her to illness. He relates how Spock has an agreement with his not unpleasant Vulcan bondmate to live apart except for the necessity of Pon Farr.

I love this first-person exploration of how Kirk and Spock find each other once more. It is a compelling love story that leaves out no detail, no emotion. Lovely, lovely, highly believable account. I've come to expect the exceptional from M.E. Carter and she has never disappointed me.

2006

A charming and well-written idyll in a nostalgic tone. Kirk, in middle age, is an admiral again and in charge of First Contact Affairs - a trouble-shooting position that suits him well. He has been happily married and sadly widowed by a food-poisoning incident. Spock, meantime, has a satisfactory but business-like bond with T'Kehr - she works on Vulcan and he on Starbase 34, except when the pon farr fires draw them together. Kirk pays a visit to Spock a few months after his Eileen's death, and they find themselves ever-so-naturally in love.

2008

It was the review by REJACK in January‘s KSP that made me realize I had not read this story. Either that, or my memory has finally completely fled. Thank you so much, ladies, for your recommendation. You‘re right, this story is a real treat. I‘m a big fan of M.E. Carter. She has written far too few times for my liking, because everything she writes is touched with inspiration. This is no exception. You were right in that we don‘t know who Kirk is speaking to – but I found it mattered very little to me because I hung on every word. I wanted to know what his life had been like since Genesis, didn‘t even mind hearing he‘d married or that Spock had bonded, because I knew from the review that everything was going to turn out exactly like I wanted it to. This is just a remarkable story, touching my heart at every turn of the page. Unlike some, I love a little domesticity between Kirk and Spock from time to time, and was treated to a bit of it here – just enough to feel right. It was no surprise that Kirk‘s determination won out in the end. I loved every step of their way to finding each other again, every evening they spent together, every walk in the garden or night on the town. I loved that scene where Kirk dashes back into the terminal building with his flight preparing to leave, just to tell Spock he loves him. And to kiss him in front of the whole world! Another alternate reality from Ms. Carter that rings true in every sense of the word.