Of things that are not, but should be... (1990 Beauty and the Beast zine)

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Zine
Title: of things that are not, but should be... (on the cover), often advertised as "Of Things That Are Not (but should be!)"
Publisher: Rock Dog
Editor:
Author(s): Michele Hawley
Cover Artist(s):
Illustrator(s): Michele Hawley
Date(s): 1990
Medium: print zine
Size:
Genre:
Fandom: Beauty and the Beast (TV)
Language: English
External Links:
Click here for related articles on Fanlore.

of things that are not, but should be... is a 132-page Beauty and the Beast (TV) zine by Michele Hawley.

front cover
back cover, "The Natural"

It contains no interior art but a black and white ink drawing on the back cover showing Vincent as a baseball player is by the author.

Description from an Ad

"Of Things That Are Not (but should be!)" — a collection of short stories dedicated to the lighter side of Beauty and the Beast (some mature material).[1]

Two Stories

This zine contains many satirical vignettes and stories, including A Life that Can Never Be.

The majority of the zine is a single story called "Alive and Well in New York." It is a VERY AU, sometimes satirical.

"Alive and Well in New York" is set several decades after the 3rd season. Father has dementia and constantly searches for Paracelsus. He tries to teach Devin's two-headed goat chess.

Catherine and Diana's son, Jacob, is grown, is in a relationship with a petulant and immature rich supermodel, whom Vincent starts to become sexually infatuated with. Jacob has become a caped crusader a la Batman.

Catherine appears as a ghost, whom Jacob refers to as "Obi-Mom."

Elliot Burch owns an unhygienic diner, and he adopts a found baby from an agency, one that is Vincent's mysterious children.

Mouse has a feral son named Possum.

Diana is sad that Vincent has ceased to visit her Above, and blames some of this on the fact she has no balcony. Diana and Vincent have a baby daughter.

Vincent discovers he has fathered over 1,000 children by as many women over the past ten years. For every 100 "normal" baby, 1 looks like a cat and is abandoned. Their mothers are women who are unknown to Vincent as they come to him in his sleep. It is all part of a program set up by a weight-loss clinic. When people find these babies abandoned Above, they bring them below. One of them is renamed Bruce, after Bruce Springsteen.

From the Zine

NOTE, THIS PUBLICATION CONTAINS MATURE MATERIAL. PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

This is dedicated to my mother, Amelia and my good friend Joe Pirkola, who have put up with my sense oi humor years before I decided to publish it and torture the rest of mankind with it.

Contents

  • Waking Dream (Satire. Vincent dresses up for Halloween as a beast, and visits Catherine at her office. Then he takes her to The Four Seasons for a swanky lunch.) (1)
  • Rat Control (Satire. Catherine is disturbed after watching Vincent kill a rat in the same manner as a cat would. Vincent assures her he wouldn't have eaten the rat... as it was too old.) (6)
  • Move Heaven and Earth... (Catherine and Vincent finally physically consummate their love, and at the moment of their simultaneous orgasm, the nuclear power plant that Elliot Burch built has a meltdown.) 9)
  • A Life that Can Never Be (Satire, very meta: Vincent and Catherine live above with their seven children. Vincent is henpecked and overburdened by domestic chores, and they squabble constantly. At one point after he calls her a "baby factory," she says "in a simpering whine, "It's 'pity the kitty' time.") (17)
  • The Rest is Pitiful... (Satire. Father begs Catherine to help Vincent, who has "lost himself" again. This time he puts on Father's clothes and becomes a terrible stand-up comedian.) (26)
  • The Christmas Gift (Satire. Vincent meets a sexually voracious Catherine in her apartment.) (28)
  • Words Left Unspoken (This story is "serious," not satirical. Vincent takes a mourning Joe Maxwell Below.) (33)
  • Alive and Well in New York (VERY AU. Satirical. The story is set several decades after the 3rd season.) (40)
    • Bright Lights, Big Kitty
    • Utopian Society
    • A Tale of Two Kittys
    • Kitty Litterary Compendium
    • Father Knows Beast
    • Six Months Later
    • Epilogue... Mega Years Later. Beauty and the Beast: The Next Generation (131)

Summary

This zine consists of several vignettes and one novelette.

In "Rat Control" Catherine discovers a quirk of Vincent's she could have lived without knowing.

In "A Life That Can Never Be," Vincent finds himself a Taco Bell manager with a nagging wife and a couple of bratty kids.

The novelette, "Alive And Well In New York," is set several decades after the 3rd season. Diana and Vincent have a baby daughter and Vincent discovers he has fathered over 1,000 children by as many women over the years. Catherine and Vincent are reunited after his death in the end. Catherine does appear as a spirit also. [2]

Reactions and Reviews

See reactions and reviews for A Life that Can Never Be.

References

  1. ^ from an ad in Pipeline v.3 n.3
  2. ^ from The Beauty and the Beast Buyer's Guide to Fanzines
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