Kolinahr

Fanfiction
Title:	Kolinahr
Author(s):	Billie Aul
Date(s):	1993
Length:
Genre(s):	slash
Fandom(s):	Star Trek: TOS
Relationship(s):	Kirk/Spock
External Links:
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Kolinahr is a Kirk/Spock story by Billie Aul.

It was published in the print zine Naked Times #31.

Summary

"As he enters Gol, Spock is told to write down what events led to his decision to go there."

Reactions and Reviews

1994

Short story told in the first person of Spock in the form of a memory. Spock remembers touching Kirk during his Pon Farr, thereby "confusing" what was supposed to happen with T'Pring. A mental bond is formed and Spock falls in love with Kirk, which is, by Kirk's own admission, not reciprocated.

Kirk doesn't mind having sex with Spock, but won't commit to a relationship. Spock decides the answer is Kolinahr. Some very interesting internal dialogue of Spock's and some well written passages, but overall, too short to support such a huge premise as Spock deciding to leave Kirk forever and go through Kolinahr.

Besides, this Kirk is for the most part unknown to us. He's a distant figure who rather blithely tells Spock that he can't love him. There also is a very strange part where Kirk and Spock use condoms. This is weird and not explained except as some "human ritual from the plague times". I presume somehow it means from when there was a threat of AIDS, but...

Even though rather dark, I liked the ending, but just not enough of a build-up to have an emotional impact.

Spock's tr'helka before embarking on Kolinahr-the recounting of events which brought him to the realization he cannot control and so must purge his emotions. Excellent idea.

Really fine Spock-writing. The first person POV in this has perfect veracity.

After koon-ut-kalifee, Spock is still in pon farr, and when in his joy he touches Kirk, he bonds them! He hopes psi-null Kirk is not aware of it, but Kirk knows Spock probably still needs something, is not finished with pon farr, and wants to help. Very beautiful, close, light touching, but the references to Kirk's "distaste" and "disgust" seemed off. I felt our view of Kirk's reaction was kind of mixed-up, until I realized I was reading a story outside the expected premise that Kirk would want Spock sexually.

Spock is losing control. Kirk gets a condom. Very interesting. This is described as a "human ritual". "In memory of the dead and out of respect for you."

How I feel about the condom issue (now that it has become an issue) is that I wouldn't have minded this scenario at all in a different kind of story-a longer story about a number of other things perhaps, or else a story focused on a life-threatening, sexually-transmitted disease. This story was beautifully focused on one theme, and so the safe(r) sex thing seemed just kind of stuck in.

Oh, the pain, when Kirk says, "I can't love you the way you love me." So Spock has to leave.

Sad story, although open-ended, I choose to think the bond was not dissolved, since Spock did not achieve Kolinahr, and all's well that ends well, as we know.