Homeless Hearts

Fanfiction
Title:	Homeless Hearts
Author(s):	Michele Arvizu
Date(s):	1997
Length:
Genre(s):	slash
Fandom(s):	Star Trek: TOS
Relationship(s):	Kirk/Spock
External Links:
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Homeless Hearts is a Kirk/Spock story by Michele Arvizu.

It was published in the print zine T'hy'la #18.

Summary

"After a monthʼs absence, Kirk returns to Spock who he had left for a woman."

Reactions and Reviews

1997

[a review of both this story and Wakening]:

At first glance these two stories seem an unlikely combination for a thematic review. Although both stories are about the relationship of sexual fidelity and love, they seem to be polar opposites in almost every respect. In "Homeless Hearts," Kirk leaves Spock and runs off with a woman. In "Wakening," Kirk is thrown together with a woman and remains faithful to Spock. "Wakening" is a first- time story, "Homeless Hearts" deals with an established relationship. "Wakening" is set squarely within the original series, not just in time line but in mood, attitude and spirit, while the ambiance of "Homeless Hearts" is that of the sadder-but-not-necessarily-wiser world of the movies. "Homeless Hearts" was published in 1997, "Wakening," in 1985. Both are the work of master writers, but "Wakening" is written in the lucid, concrete, and deceptively simple style typical of Vivian Gates, while Michele Arvizu’s writing in "Homeless Hearts" is more complicated and subtle. Nevertheless, I think that the two stories can be compared -- although the comparison is more dialectical than parallel.

[comments about Wakening snipped]

If "Wakening" is Kirk's story, I think "Homeless Hearts" is Spock's. Although the story dips into the minds of both men in almost equal measure, I think it explores Spock's feelings in greater depth than Kirk's. This is as it should be, since it is essentially the story of the decisions Spock makes when Kirk returns from an affair with an exciting woman. I read this story and "Wakening" wondering, "Could both stories exist in the same universe? Could the relationship that began with such hope and optimism in 'Wakening' experience the loss and betrayal of ‘Homeless Hearts'"? In some ways, it is hard to believe that it could. The confident, clear-sighted Kirk of "Wakening" is not to be found in "Homeless Hearts," whose Kirk is lost and confused. The Spocks of the two stories are much more alike, however: trusting, undemanding, perhaps to a fault--in both stories it’s suggested that Spock needs to assert his own needs more.

The structure of “Homeless Hearts” is non-linear, rather like Ursula LeGuin’s notion of the story as a “grab-bag.” in this case a grab-bag of the often-tangled emotions that partners have in the aftermath of an affair. It’s not the story of Kirk’s decision to have an affair, or of the affair itself, which is over by the time the story begins. As in “Wakening,” the focus is on Kirk’s and Spock’s relationship and not on the third party. Yet while I accepted the decision to focus on what happens to Kirk and Spock after the affair, not on Kirk’s relationship with Antonia Lenox, I found myself wanting to see what it was in her that drew Kirk away from Spock. From what we are told about her, she sounds as compelling and charismatic as Elaine Ashe. Yet, being told about her wasn’t the same as seeing her with Kirk (she appears only in a brief conversation with Spock near the end). In much the same way as Kirk’s interaction with Elaine Ashe shows us a great deal about his relationship with Spock, Antonia Lenox serves as a mirror and a measure of Kirk’s and Spock’s relationship in “Homeless Hearts.” Perhaps she could have served this function even better if we had seen more of her, and her relationship with Kirk.

The opening page is perhaps the longest sustained look at Kirk the story gives us, but in this passage, Kirk’s principal feeling is desire to avoid a confrontation, and the mood is more flippant than remorseful. After Kirk and Spock begin to talk, Kirk thinks to himself that “strong emotions [were] what brought him back to this house.” I certainly believe that, and I longed to see those emotions more fully. A bit later Kirk thinks for the first time that “This is what he wanted. This place, this peace, this man.” But he thinks this in the middle of a paragraph that begins with his still wanting Antonia.

The story tells us that Kirk was drawn to Antonia like a magnet, and the passages in which Spock thinks about her and Kirk together are especially poignant. Through Spock’s eyes we sense what she offered Kirk that Spock himself could not. Yet not seeing the compelling attraction that Antonia had for Kirk makes his going off with her seem more irresponsible, less an act of grand passion. I wasn’t sure what Kirk meant when he says he “ran off” with her. Aside from the effect it had on Spock, how can someone in Kirk’s position just run off for a month or more (the story implied that the interlude was cut short by Antonia herself)? I guess he had a lot of vacation time saved up.

As in “Wakening,” the story uses images and associations with the beloved to great effect. Examples are the book of “daredevil pilots,” so evocative of Kirk, that Spock falls asleep with on the night Kirk comes home; the fragile beetle on the patio; the computer programs Kirk was using before he left. The sense of “home” is beautifully conveyed, for instance when Spock listens from the patio to the “wonderful noise” of Kirk getting up in the morning. In fact the story contains some subtle ironies around the concept of “home”: Antonia is a real estate agent who sells homes, who sold Spock his home with Kirk, and who sends Kirk back home to Spock. What both “Wakening” and “Homeless Hearts” share in common is the conviction that fidelity is meaningless if it is not freely given. In both stories, the partners’ commitment is one made voluntarily, not forced by convention or telepathic bonding. As Spock says in “Wakening,” “no one controlled Jim Kirk. What he gave, he gave freely.” And in “Homeless Hearts,” Spock faces squarely the choice of binding Kirk to sexual fidelity to satisfy his own “deep and desperate need for emotional security,” or continuing a relationship based on trust and freedom with all its attendant risks.

To return to the question whether these two stories could exist in the same universe, I think the answer is yes. I can see how the simple romantic clarity of the partners in “Wakening” could become the much more dense and complicated relationship of “Homeless Hearts.” I know that even the strongest partnerships can go off course temporarily. But most of all, I think the stories share a common vision of a relationship based on freedom, trust, the willingness to risk, and ultimately to accept and forgive.

This is a post-ST5 story. I like this, the older men. Other than the dual POV's (I was often not sure whose thoughts or even dialogue it is), this is so nicely put together. Rich in feeling, yet just enough action, and an understated but vivid sense of place.

Kirk comes home from Vegan colonies to Spock's place in Sonoran desert, at 2:00AM. Good scene—Kirk's done something uncool, though what that is comes to light only gradually. He's been gone four weeks without a word, presumably with a woman...with Antonia. I was glad to finally find out who Antonia might be. I like this realistic touch of having her be a mutual friend of them both, Spock's real estate broker for this property.

I don't know that Michele's point really got across to me — if I understand her point, that is. I always like something painful between Kirk and Spock that they have to overcome, but what goes on here doesn't feel particularly resolved. Maybe that's part of the point. The title perhaps says that that's the point. Unless the point is, they really do have each other's hearts but have not yet learned to come home to them. The ending certainly indicates this, though it's one-sided. We end in Spock's head, that he is essentially crazy to love Kirk...and who is he, that he does so?

I was thinking maybe Spock could have been shown to care less, in the face of Kirk's dismal moral nature, as he (Kirk) puts it (that he would go seek a passionate affair). But Spock's caring less would make a less dramatic story. This scenario definitely makes Kirk out to be a cad — a cad having a midlife crisis I would say — with Spock left to work out how he can deal with it.

Spock doesn't have the attitudes often portrayed in our K/S stories, those of fierce Vulcan possessiveness. I've always been able to see Spock as Michele has portrayed him: he knows Kirk does not belong to him; he says, you owe me nothing. Yet he has intense feelings for Kirk nonetheless; and feels he can never be enough for Kirk, and that they can never bond.

I have mixed feelings about the validity of non-monogamy for their relationship, because whereas I can see it in real life, or as a Utopian ideal anyway, I nonetheless like the idea of Kirk and Spock having an intensely devoted, monogamous relationship. Here, they seem to have a somewhat committed (is that an oxymoron?) relationship, yet are not bonded.

But Kirk feels Spock doesn't need him. I loved this: Spock, in his despair over realizing Kirk feels this, wonders, had not his desperate feelings been conveyed when he saved Kirk on the god planet? I love how he is aware that those moments, the desperate last-minute saving of Kirk, were fraught with sexual tension.

This story is like a knotted stomach. So difficult — how to be who they are yet be together?

As I said, there was just enough of a "story" in this story, even though most of it didn't happen in the present. I liked how we learned about Antonia having been well aware of the depth of feeling between Kirk and Spock, how she had given Spock the chance to be possessive of Kirk before this little fling happened, but he had not been. Also, we learn later, after she had been with Kirk, that she realized how desperately Kirk loves Spock.

I would almost call this an "unhappy ending" even though the story ends with them together. If they feel they can never bond, well, that's not the K/S of my preference. However, maybe this scenario, this ending, is merely setting things up for Spock to learn they can bond.

The sex was nice.... And sweet moments between them in the morning.

A beautifully emotional story of an older Kirk and Spock coming to terms with their relationship in light of Kirk's infidelity.

A lovely atmospheric beginning when Kirk comes into Spock's ranch house in the desert on Earth. The description of the was not only vivid, but perfectly suited to Spock with its Native American and Vulcan artifacts and heavy furniture.

I really enjoyed their first conversation—moody and tense—when Kirk comes in at night. It's revealed that Kirk has had an affair with Antonia (like Kathy Stanis, I enjoyed "meeting" this character) and feels intense guilt.

Kirk wonders if he is going through a mid-life crisis and he and Spock talk about what happened. They are both very introspective and even though I liked their conversation a lot, sometimes it was a little too insightful for the characters themselves.

I was confused by one issue they discussed. Kirk doesn't feel that Spock really loves him, he says he cares more for Sybok than him. He didn't think Spock's rescue of him meant anything beyond duty. I don't know how he came up with that, but Spock tells him that he was distracted at the time by Sybok's lost soul. I wasn't quite sure what that was about.

Also, an aspect of Kirk's character as presented here, disturbed me. Kirk borders on self-pity and engages in some hand-wringing and "I'm so bad" and "the devil made me do it" behavior. He's close to the alcoholic behavior where the person is really sorry and won't ever do it again.

Despite this, I think the writing is very good—it's clear and emotional. Except for those pesky, ubiquitous ever-shifting POV's that complicate the story with knowing at all times what both are thinking and feeling.

I enjoyed the scene the next morning between Antonia and Spock over the vidphone. But I wondered who was thinking what at some moments, such as: "If she was desperate for Jim Kirk to get his butt out of bed so that she could see that he was all right, she could do nothing but think those thoughts." And "half a pair of handsome devils". We weren't privy to Antonia's thoughts, were we? And that couldn't have been Spock.

I adored the moment when Spock saves the beetle. I thought it was such a beautiful, perfect touch in the story.

And despite all the difficulties with their relationship, they are in love and will be together. A lovely ending that I honestly appreciate—the best and only one!

1998

The poignant title and reference to Post STV timeline drew me hopelessly. There seem to be so few stories set in these years of maturity and growth — certainly years that are ripe with possibilities for exploration of character without the brashness of youth to clutter the way. However I was disappointed here because in this instance maturity did not mean growth of spirit and integrity, but spoke of callousness and selfishness that I don't like to see in Kirk or Spock even when their lack of experience might justify it. Written with an easy, descriptive style, it's good reading, it just didn't make me feel good. It begins with Kirk sneaking back into the house after a month long absence, hoping as he finds the house dark that Spock is either asleep or gone. I couldn't imagine what might prompt such reluctance, and I certainly wasn't ready for the revelation that Kirk had lived up to his past reputation and taken off with a married realtor without so much as a word to the man who gave his life to save Kirk's. Naahh! And while Kirk was written to be chagrined and cautious. I didn't ever feel remorse or sorrow, things even someone in a normal committed relationship should experience. To me he still appeared selfish, ready to say whatever needed to be said to get back in Spock's good graces but without sincerity. I look forward to more well-written K/S experiences from this author, because undoubtedly the talent is there, the believability just wasn't there for me in this story. And it was certainly nice to hear an explanation for Antonia — something I could never stomach in "Generations." Ugh.

1999

It is of all ages. What isn’t so common is Spock’s reaction. Not that that possibility isn’t in every human, but more often than not, retaliation is the result. The wisdom and maturity one can have, the restraint is something else. All too often one reacts without thought from pain, anger, a feeling of betrayal, and a wish to hurt as well, which in the end only brings more pain. It is a human tale and humane.

Personally I found this story a tremendous disappointment. I had already read several other pieces by this author, including an excellent gen piece called "Square One" in which Spock is killed fairly early on and only brought back by the willing sacrifice of a powerful alien who decides Kirk should not have to go on missing his t'hy'la. Though there was no sexual relationship between K & S in that story, the very close friendship and deep caring and commitment between them rang very true. And the story was poignant and heartbreaking, the writing lyrical and powerful.

Michelle also wrote a gen h/c piece called "Penumbra", which was likewise very intense. While this one was somewhat flawed, in that the characterization of Spock was pretty badly off-key at first, by the end we again see the depth of caring and commitment between K & S, and a very satisfying ending even though no sex. And again, wonderful, powerful prose.

Now for this story. "Homeless Hearts" opens with Jim Kirk sneaking back into the house he and Spock share in the middle of the night. Gradually we realize that in fact he's coming home again after a three month fling with some woman he picked up. She is portrayed realistically, a human, an interesting character in her own right — quite a nice lady in other circumstances one suspects — but still!

They are not in StarFleet anymore; Spock is staying at this house which they own in order to raise the children they have sired together. The portrayal of the children was well done. But then, here's Kirk sneaking home with his shoes in his hand, like Andy Capp after a night making out with a barmaid. And Spock wakes up, and welcomes him home. And although they do argue, and Spock does express to Jim how badly Jim's behavior has hurt him, in the end, he decides that he is happy just being the man that James T. Kirk comes home to. At which point I had to restrain myself from flinging the borrowed zine across the room.

I can certainly see Kirk being unfaithful, in some branches of the multiverse. He earned his Tomcat nickname fair and square, after all. It is widely noted among netfen that JTK, as depicted in aired-Trek, will basically bag anything that breathes and will stand still long enough. <rueful grin> I personally feel that once he and Spock are bonded he would no longer behave in this fashion, but I suppose other outcomes are possible.

Where the story utterly breaks down for me is in Spock's reaction. I cannot suspend my disbelief here. I fell out of the story and landed on my butt on the floor. For a Vulcan, for Spock especially, after all the pain and loneliness he has lived with, to calmly accept a lifemate who takes off for three months and screws some random woman, because he's

bored—I'm sorry, I cannot understand or believe in this version of Spock. Your mileage may vary, and IDIC must always be acknowledged. But for me, this one was a big disappointment, since on seeing the author's name I had expected another excellent piece like the first two I mentioned.

I will continue to look for her byline—anyone can have an off day.

But this one did not work for me.