Doubtful Diversions

K/S Fanfiction
Title:	Doubtful Diversions
Author(s):	Anne Elliot
Date(s):	2003
Length:
Genre:	slash
Fandom:	Star Trek: The Original Series
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Doubtful Diversions is a Kirk/Spock story by Anne Elliot.

It was published in the print zine Prophets in the Wilderness.

Summary

"Spock misunderstands porn videos."

Reactions and Reviews

A light-hearted look at a male insecurity: size.

I thought this was an absolutely delightful, adorable story. It’s my second favorite in the zine, after the author’s “Finding the Way”. Anne Elliot has been one of my favorite authors ever since I read her “Animal Magnetism” in First Time 54. That story was one of the best humorous K/S stories I’ve ever read. “Doubtful Diversions” is another wonderfully funny story from Anne, which had me chuckling and chortling with laughter, and even hooting out loud several times.

The story has a great opening paragraph: I can’t believe I’m having this conversation, thought Kirk, desperately. He was seated opposite Spock on the bed in the Vulcan’s quarters, both of them naked and both staring intently at the junction of Spock’s thighs. “....But how can I please you with so small an appendage?”, Spock asked plaintively. Poor Spock is depressed because in an effort to improve his lovemaking technique, he has stumbled across the Enterprise’s library of “adult instructional” holovids and been comparing the size of his “appendage” to those in the vids, and found his sorely lacking in size. I loved this whole premise, which runs counter to the usually very well endowed Spock we read about in much of K/S fiction. Kirk is very well aware of the contents of the holovids, as Anne cleverly discusses in this excerpt from the story: “While such items were never part of a starship’s official recreational display, Kirk, like most captains, turned a blind eye to unofficial additions provided they weren’t exploitative, overly violent or downright illegal. Naturally, Kirk had been forced to watch the entire collection in order to satisfy himself of this—not that he really enjoyed that sort of thing very much, of course, but a Captain’s first thought was always for the well being of his crew. McCoy had heartily agreed that it was no more than Kirk’s plain duty to sit through them, preferably with the ship’s M.O. by his side to explain any medical issues which might come up (McCoy’s pun.) Indeed, such was Kirk’s commitment to the moral welfare of those under his command that he had insisted they watch “Eridani Escapade” a second time before he had felt able to expose his crew to such suspect material.” After much discussion (and demonstration), Kirk is finally able to convince Spock that his “appendage” is the perfect size for him. (I loved this whole section, especially the part where Kirk’s “ego warred with discretion”, and also Spock’s response when Kirk trots out the tired old saying “Size doesn’t matter, it’s what you do with it that counts”. Kirk’s interior dialogue with himself is also well done and quite amusing.) The next day, an alarmed Kirk finds Spock diligently studying “Anti-grav Angie and the Romulan Raiders” and planning a report to Star Fleet command about the inaccuracies in the vid’s depiction of the Vulcan neck pinch. (Not to mention “the scripts are barely literate, the acting execrable, and the direction minimal”.) This whole part was hilarious, especially the description of the vid as “involving a great use of fruit and some complicated business with a pair of false ears”, and then Kirk notices “Anti-grav Angie limbering up with a banana”, and later, “tiny holographic figures doing unmentionable things with a mango on the desktop.” Too funny!

The story has a great ending, as Spock tells a Kirk he found the holovids to be quite educational in some ways, and to Kirk’s surprise and delight, they plan to spend the evening enacting one of the scenarios from “Dirty Donnie and the Delicious Dohlman”! (I loved Spock’s comment about the titles being so alliterative.) This was charming from beginning to end, and I loved it.