And Yet Afraid

K/S Fanfiction
Title:	An Yet Afraid
Author(s):	Addison Reed
Date(s):	1988
Length:
Genre:	slash
Fandom:	Star Trek: The Original Series
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An Yet Afraid is a K/S story by Addison Reed.

art for this story in As I Do Thee by Jacqueline Zoost

It was published in the print zine As I Do Thee #11.

Summary

"After a very strange yet wonderful evening ashore with his captain, Spock begins to look at their friendship in a new light, only to be lead into insecurity and confusion by an overheard conversation and the intervention of the Tholians."

Reactions and Reviews

The second Addison Reed story in AIDT #11 Is AND YET AFRAID. This is another re-telling of an episode but, this time, there is much more "meat" in which the episode is encased. I really liked this story; the by-play between Kirk and Spock, the natural ease of their growing relationship, the gentle Interaction of the episode (THE THOLIAN WEB) all serve to make this, for me, the best story in the zine.

The manner is which the author combines her own story with the events of "The Tholian Web" is quite clever. The part of the story dealing with Spock's gift of the yellow rose and his mistaken belief that Kirk had given it to another along with Spock's subsequent discovery of his error was just perfect. I'm not quite sure if I can buy the part where Kirk literally begins to walk through walls but on the whole I enjoyed the slow pace and the diverse elements in this story.

The story opens as Kirk approaches Spock to act out a fantasy of being "kidnapped" for "an evening on the town" on a shore leave. Kirk dresses up as a "privateer", which I loved. They go to a romantic place for dinner and see a couple dining there. The man had gotten the woman some huge bouquets and presented them to her at the table. Spock questions this practice and Kirk says, "One rose, Spock. If you can't say it with a single rose, you have nothing worth saying." As they leave, Spock gets a yellow rose from the bouquet and gives it to Kirk outside the restaurant. It's a really lovely moment, but they still don't admit anything to each other.

Back on the Enterprise, Spock sees a crew woman with a yellow rose. He imagines that Kirk has given it to this woman in anticipation of a date with her that night. He is crushed. He waits outside the woman's cabin until Kirk comes by. I was a little confused as to why Spock still thought the woman and Kirk were together because Kirk talks to Spock and then I thought he just passes by. But it's still a very poignant moment for poor Spock!

Then the "Tholian Web" episode occurs with the eulogy for Kirk and with McCoy's and Spock meeting in Kirk's quarters to view his last orders. This part is a just little too short and not quite in-depth enough, but there were some excellent scenes nonetheless and I believe the whole purpose of the scene is Spock's discovery of the yellow rose in the safe.

Then the aftermath of Kirk's experience in the interphase dimension. This is a really terrific idea that he has residual effects in that at night he experiences a non-corporeal state and is able to go through the bulkhead to Spock's quarters. He sits and watches Spock sleeping and continues doing this for about a week. He justifies it to himself that it's harmless and he won't be able to do it much longer as the effects will wear off.

Then one night as Spock is agitated in his sleep, Kirk gives him a soft kiss that seemed to quiet Spock. But when Kirk goes to leave via the wall, he finds himself solid again. He goes back to Spock's bed just to straighten the tangled covers when he's mesmerized by the sight of Spock's erection. He just touches it over the blanket and mentally apologizes as he turns to leave. But then he sees Spock's own hand touch his erection.

But another very poignant moment as even in sleep, Spock can't masturbate. So Kirk tries to help Spock to orgasm because clearly Spock is suffering and won't allow himself release. Besides, if anyone knows exactly how to do this—it's Kirk! Spock finally ejaculates in what's beautifully described as "a lifetime of unfulfillment, suffering and denial spilled into Kirk's hand." So clearly he needed it!

I say that because some K/Sers to whom I told this part of the story were uneasy with this scenario of Kirk pleasuring Spock while he was asleep. But it sure didn't bother me! I found it compelling and downright sexy.

A couple weeks later, the interphase effects have worn off and now Kirk can't sleep. He wants to be with Spock really bad. McCoy sees in Spock's medical records that Spock has been having lots of bad dreams. Kirk accidentally sees the record and tells McCoy that he can help Spock. Before Kirk can tell Spock the truth of the "dreams", Spock admits he "had hoped they were not dreams."

Another beautiful and thoughtful story from one of my favorite authors.

Whilst waiting—none too patiently—for my new zines with NEW Addison Reed stories inside (Thanks, Anne and Jenna!) I thought I’d take another look at some of this much loved writer’s earlier works... Wonderful stories, without exception, they are scattered throughout AIDTs and some Merry Men Press titles, sometimes even two to a zine! I love this writer’s intensity and her achingly vulnerable Spock, who can present his remote façade to the world but doesn’t fool a certain starship captain... Sigh! All K/S fans should seek these stories out—soon! They won’t regret it... I thought at first to talk about a story called “When Johnny came Marching Home,” which I love and reread as one of my “comfort-food stories,” but I am intrigued, too, by this one. “And Yet Afraid” takes place before, during and after the episode The Tholian Web. I love series-based stories. They’re a special treat, aren’t they? After all, we KNOW that the hints for the K/S relationship are there for all to see and stories like these just reinforce this. I’ve had to rewatch the episode more than once after enjoying this tale, with new eyes... There’s a dramatic beginning where Spock is accosted at the entrance to his quarters. His assailant is actually Jim Kirk, come to persuade Spock to take some shore leave with him, covering his desperation with characteristic playacting. This opening is wonderfully written and repays a reread: only then did I fully realise that of course Spock knew at once who was “attacking” him and was happy to agree to whatever scheme his friend had in mind. By the close of the first scene, we have seen both Jim and Spock concealing their deep feelings for each other. Clever. We see them concerned for each other, too, then enjoying each others’ company so-o much and Kirk, at least, acknowledging to himself his love. “He would willingly die in lieu of unbalancing that critical and intricate relationship.” Oh, my...how will they ever get together? Addison’s stories sometimes turn on a heartbreaking misunderstanding between the two of them and there’s a beauty here: Spock shyly offers Kirk a single rose, the significance of which is known to them both... soon after, his “disturbingly cheery” mood is shattered when he overhears a crew-woman boasting that her admirer had given her a “beautiful rose for a beautiful lady.” Oh no. Spock’s pain ricochets through the subsequent scenes as the events of Tholian web unfold and intensifies once he realises his mistake. We note his “grinding pain” along with McCoy, as the Enterprise crew begin to see the images of Kirk and poor Spock punishes himself unmercifully. A seamless change of perspective then, as Kirk once more takes command: A wonderful , post- episode twist in that his molecules have not yet stabilised. This rather sickening sensation is well described: Kirk’s hand sometimes passes straight through things and...he can walk through walls. Spock explains the science of it and it sounds convincing to me! Touchingly, he begins to watch Spock sleep and tries to sooth his nightmares—a soothing which leads to desire and to a vividly written almost-sex scene that is devastating in its intensity.... It leads to more pain and confusion: Jim, longing to be with Spock and Spock, unsure if his “dreams” were reality..., With McCoy’s somewhat unwitting help, they finally clear up their misunderstandings and get together, and we witness one of the most beautifully described kisses in all of fandom. Wow! As a sort of post script, the story begins with a verse from Edgar Lee Masters, from which the title is taken. He’s not a poet I was familiar with, and it wasn’t until I finally had access to the internet, long after first reading this story, that I found out more. An interesting, prolific writer indeed.

This is by far my favorite story by this author. Excellent writing, a long, detailed plot with lots of twists and turns, and an unusual aftereffect suffered by Kirk after the events in "The Tholian Web" combine to make a unique and wonderfully sweet tale, where a single yellow rose plays an important part in the sometimes rocky road that is love and where a simple misunderstanding can sometimes be disastrous. The author's eloquent style, whether describing the quiet meal Kirk and Spock share in the beginning of the story, when Kirk realizes that he loves his Vulcan, but fears he can never tell him so because it might destroy their friendship, to the simple offer of the rose from Spock to Kirk, a gesture he makes to substitute for the words he cannot bring himself to say, to the episodes of "diminished molecular cohesion" Kirk suffers after the events in "The Tholian Web", which allow him to literally walk through walls and where his night wanderings invariably lead him to Spock's bedside while the Vulcan is sleeping, is superb and will keep the reader enthralled from beginning to end. The story is never hurried in any way, which gives the reader plenty of time to savor this wonderful tale. A definite must read for any K/S fan.