All That I Have to Give
|Title:||All that I Have to Give|
|Fandom:||Star Trek: The Original Series|
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It was published in the print zine First Time #54.
"After a disastrous mission where several cadets lost their lives, Spock believes Kirkʼs anger is directed at him as captain of the ship until the Admiralʼs tears tell him otherwise."
Reactions and Reviews
Captain Spock and Admiral Kirk are in San Francisco after a difficult mission for Spock where some crew members died. A wonderful beginning where Kirk cries because he was overcome by emotion at the memory of his fear of losing Spock. Tears that Kirk sheds that are actually believable! And very well presented because at first Kirk is angry with Spock and chastises his actions during the mission, and then that anger turns to hurt.
Spock kisses Kirk and they walk in the moonlight (I’m definitely a sucker for Kirk and Spock and moonlit walks) to Kirk’s residence where they make love. I’d heard of the line that Spock says to Kirk: “You wish to sodomize me?” which I realize is kind of shocking, but I totally could hear Spock say it. I was a little uncertain about their saying to each other that they hadn’t wanted a sexual relationship before this. I felt it was a good idea, but not fully realized in the story. And I admit to wondering at Spock’s “lying” to Kirk about it. There’s a good sex scene, albeit a little clinical afterwards when Spock has to go to the bathroom.But the best moment in the story occurs as Spock looks at himself in the mirror after having made love with Kirk for the first time and wonders if he looks any different. This was an inspired moment. 
As this story unfolds, we learn that Captain Spock’s training mission had gone disastrously, with cadets dead. He is now meeting Admiral Kirk to give his report. It’s painful to feel Kirk’s cold harshness toward Spock, and I can picture this iron-clad Kirk very well.
The other side of Kirk’s anger is convincing but slightly less so – when they’re alone and Kirk breaks down. We learn Kirk is so angry because Spock could have been killed, that he indeed thought Spock had been lost. I can picture him tearing up, but maybe not exactly sobbing in Spock’s arms. Not that I mind this – on the contrary. But, for instance, we have seen the movie Kirk after Spock’s death, and even then he doesn’t exactly sob. This, of course, is open to interpretation. It’s an interesting aspect to Kirk’s feelings that they partly include guilt – he felt he’d pushed Spock to the captaincy though Spock hadn’t really wanted it. I do like how their first kiss is kind of awkward, coming as it does in that moment of comforting; then they get hotter and hotter, have sex on the floor in Kirk’s office, cool. When they get dressed, though, there’s no mention of this momentous first lovemaking they just did. I couldn’t really understand their both saying they hadn’t ever wanted sex with each other before now, like when Spock says he never thought about how it would be to kiss Kirk until he did it just then. So I was glad at the end that they half-admit they have always loved each other. I wondered if this is what the author intended to convey, that they each had some good reason emotionally to hold back this information. Or did they each truly think that sex had no place in their friendship and never even privately longed for it? There were a couple moments with minor characters to show that other people thought they already were lovers. I liked this. I kind of laughed at their dinner, of only steamed veggies. I think this is what people think vegetarians eat, just vegetables. And also, saying there was “bread and water” on the table sounded like prison food.At the end there’s nice sex but there was too much business in their pillow-talk for my liking. 
"All That I Have to Give" is nine pages. It's basically a regular K/S story, but I just found it hard to believe. I don't see Kirk and Spock acting the way that they did in this story. For me I had trouble enjoying the story because of my own perceptions of the two men. Without my preconceptions, I could have enjoyed the story. I'm not as flexible now as I was when I first started reading K/S. 
There were many things I liked about this story, so while I did have a few problems with it, overall I enjoyed it. I liked the basic premise, first of all. Isla always has very interesting plots in her stories, and I appreciate a good plot with my K/S! I haven’t read many stories (if any) where Captain Spock reports to Admiral Kirk about a mission involving training cadets, yet surely it had to have happened based on ST II. So that part was interesting, and it made sense that Kirk would be angry about the mission that had gone so disastrously wrong, especially when we learn the real reason Kirk was so angry was because he almost lost Spock. (And later on we learn that Kirk felt guilty because he talked Spock into
taking the captaincy.) Then we come to one part that didn’t quite work for me, Kirk’s crying. After all, this is after the mission and Spock came safely home. So for me, it didn’t quite work that Kirk would break down so completely and sob so much when he was with Spock. I don't believe he'd never cry, but Spock was alive, after all, so all those tears, to that extent, seemed a bit excessive. However, Shelley Butler and Kathy Stanis both wrote LOC’s on this story and they had opposite reactions to the sobbing—one found it believable and the other did not. So it seems as though there are differences of opinion on this scene, depending on how we see Kirk. Then the story moves into a love scene that was really nice. And I liked the part where Spock tells Kirk that Garrovick (Kirk’s secretary or assistant) thinks they are already lovers! Back at Kirk’s apartment, after dinner they make love again, and this is another really nice love scene. I liked when Kirk goes down on Spock, and how the author described Spock’s reaction, and then what Kirk says and does: “...but when the cool mouth captured his penis, Spock’s eyes opened wide and he convulsed with astonishment. ‘Easy’, Kirk murmured. Grasping the base of Spock’s phallus, he kissed the tip before he added, ‘I’m going to make you feel really good’.” There’s something about this whole exchange I liked a lot. Except then I got to Spock saying “You wish to sodomize me”, and I found this a bit jarring. I guess it’s not out of character for Spock, as a Vulcan, to use a coldly descriptive word for the act, but it took me aback and it threw me out of the story for a minute. Another part I wasn’t crazy about later on was Spock talking about needing to “move his bowels”. I’m sorry, but I this is one of my personal squicks—too much information about bodily functions after sex scenes, so I didn’t really need to know about this! But maybe it’s just me.... The story has a very nice ending, as Kirk and Spock discuss Spock’s mission once more and snuggle together for the night. However, I was left feeling a bit confused. Earlier in the story, Kirk and Spock both said that they had not desired the other until the moment they first kissed, but then the end implied they had loved each other all along. If so, why not admit it to each other? I wasn’t sure what the point of this denial was, and wished the author had explained it better.However, these are rather minor quibbles. Isla has a nice writing style with an easy flow to her stories, and overall I found the story quite enjoyable.