What the Heart Remembers

K/S Fanfiction
Title:	What the Heart Remembers
Author(s):	Killa
Date(s):	2002
Length:
Genre:	slash
Fandom:	Star Trek: The Original Series
External Links:	Side by Side Collection on AO3
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What the Heart Remembers is a Kirk/Spock story by Killa.

It was published online in Side by Side Special Edition #1 and subsequently in the print zine Cyberdreams #1.

Summary

"Spock begins to regain his memories after the fal tor pan, memories that seem to be fixed on Kirk."

DVD Commentary

A fan's 2007 DVD commentary is here.

Reactions and Reviews

This story in response to a challenge isn’t my favorite scenario. I prefer the boys getting together earlier in life. But it worked well. The first time I read the story I was as surprised as Spock when things weren’t as he remembered. And I love it when Kirk is written as caring and selfless when it comes to Spock.

This is another wonderfully written story, which takes place following the events depicted in the film The Voyage Home. At the beginning of the story, which is told from both Spock and Kirk’s point of view, Spock is still struggling to regain his memories following the refusion. He knows Kirk has been very important to him in the past but feels that something is missing, although he has no idea what it is and that Kirk is waiting for something .... from him. His confusion is very well depicted as is Kirk’s pain that Spock cannot remember everything about their old life before Genesis, he keeps waiting for Spock to remember, and is forever disappointed that he cannot do so, while at the same time, struggling to conceal this from Spock in order to protect him from knowing that he is unknowingly causing Kirk pain because he cannot remember everything about their past relationship.

I especially enjoyed the descriptions of the party they attend to celebrate their success, everyone else’s happiness and in contrast, Jim’s pain as he tries once again to talk to Carol Marcus who is refusing to speak to him as she feels he is responsible for David’s death on Genesis, something which she finds it very hard to forgive Kirk for. The scene where Kirk slips away from the party to contact Carol again, is very well described, especially their very painful and awkward conversation and his subsequent realisation that he is not actually alone after all, as he notices that Spock standing in the doorway, silently supportive as always.

Spock’s realisation, through the strange dreams he has been having, that he is in love with Kirk and has been for a long time, even before the events on Genesis, is very well done. His dreams are very vivid and disturbing, even to the reader, who is not totally sure at their beginning if they are dreams or reality, and which is very cleverly done. The description of the party itself with all the various interactions taking place there is also very nicely pictured and it was a nice touch that McCoy and Gillian look as if they are getting closer – as Kirk thinks at the time, nobody deserves to “get the girl” as much as McCoy after everything that has taken place. Spock’s invitation to Kirk to stay at the Vulcan embassy with him and his father afterwards is also indicative of both Spock and Sarek’s desire to express to Kirk their recognition of what he has achieved and sacrificed for them and their desire to protect him if possible from all the media attention. Kirk’s subsequent encounter with Spock is a welcome conclusion to a well written tale which has plenty of emotional intensity along the way, as well as some very good characterisations.

This story is set immediately after the events of "Star Trek IV". Killa excels at making you understand all those things people can't articulate, all the ways they attempt to understand and connect with each other, and the complex knot of emotion beneath is all.

It begins with a "long-distance" conversation between Kirk and Carol Marcus, in which Kirk tries, and fails, to discuss any of the important issues that still divide them. It continues with Kirk's complex reactions to Spock, a Spock very different from the man he knew before the events of ST 2 and 3. Spock fell into step beside him as effortlessly as breathing. Sometimes Kirk thought that the hardest things were those that hadn't changed, because they made him forget for a while. He would catch himself falling back into old patterns, thinking of this man beside him as the old Spock, until the next time he was reminded. Spock, too, is groping at understanding, at communication, at reconnecting with all that lies buried beneath the surface of his mind. Watching Spock's growing pains as he tried so hard to understand and connect with his human shipmates made him feel things he couldn't articulate, made him smile and hope and hurt all at the same time.

Then Spock begins dreaming, specific and vivid images which he hopes holds the key to his memories as well as his future.

"After the fal tor pan, Spock thinks he and Kirk were lovers, but in reality, they never were. What will Kirk do if Spock propositions him now? What will happen if Spock thinks the dreams and wishes of his former life were the reality?" Can't rec this enough, angsty and heartrending, it made me cry, but in a good way. ♥

This beautiful, sad tale of things that never were and cannot be made tears come to my eyes. I'm not a K/S girl by any means, but Killa just has a way of making it real, for me. And breaking my heart in the process.