Twice I Have Lived Forever

K/S Fanfiction
Title:	Twice I Have Lived Forever
Author(s):	Lee Sansome Owers
Date(s):	1994
Length:
Genre:	slash
Fandom:	Star Trek: The Original Series
External Links:
Click here for related articles on Fanlore.

Twice I Have Lived Forever is a Kirk/Spock story by Lee Sansome Owers.

It was published in the print zine T'hy'la #15.

Summary

"Kirk is in anguish over his and Spock's broken bond, a bond the Vulcan has not remembered since the fal tor pan."

Reactions and Reviews

In T’hy’la 15 there is a story that I re-read just so that I can get to one, particular line. I plow through the emotional dismay and torture of Spock not remembering his relationship with Kirk after the fal tor pon, I endure all of Kirk’s suffering and his really bad decision-making (how come a starship captain can be professionally competent but a mess when it comes to knowing his own heart?), all to get to the thrill of a line that seems to stand above all the others in the story as if it were on tip-toe on the peak of Mount Everest. No, I’m not going to tell you what that line is, but I will tell you the story: “Twice I Have Lived Forever” by Lee O.S.

Most often our own human reactions bring about that which we fear will happen. Kirk is angry at Spock for not remembering their bond. Simultaneously, he’s afraid that if Spock would remember it, he’d choose not to renew it. Kirk’s actions and words eventually force Spock to consider leaving Kirk and the Enterprise. Of course, as this is a story with a good ending, he doesn’t and everything turns out for the better. A good example of convoluted human psychology.

I usually like stories that deal with the aftermath of Spock's rebirth, especially those that show him and Kirk as already being lovers. The angst level can be set really high as Kirk deals with their broken bond and Spock deals, well, with just about everything. So, mostly, I enjoyed this one.

The story begins a few months after the fal tor pan. Spock has regained almost all his memories, and Kirk has taken command of the Enterprise-A. But there is one memory missing. Spock does not remember his bond to Kirk, and it's tearing Kirk apart.

So why doesn't Kirk just tell Spock? Because it seems they became lovers right after VGer, and ever since then Kirk has worried that maybe he pushed Spock into something he wasn't emotionally prepared for and that Spock has only "gone along" with it out of consideration for his friend. Sort of making the best of a bad situation. So this time, he wants Spock to make the first move, to either remember what they were to each other or, if Spock's memories never return, to make the first move in beginning another intimate relationship. I thought four years was a long time to carry around that kind of insecurity (I always imagined there was more like ten years between VGer and Spock's death, but the author uses four,) especially since that's not the way I see Kirk at all. But maybe that accounts for why Kirk is his own worse enemy in this story. If he's not pushing Spock away emotionally, he's being downright cruel to him. Great way to get someone to want to be close to you.

And Spock is trying to get close. But he doesn't understand why Kirk is acting the way he is, especially since Spock remembers their friendship. He feels desire for Kirk, but begins to wonder if that's the reason for his friend's reaction. Maybe Kirk has discovered how he feels and it repels him.

When McCoy finds out how worried Spock is by his captain's behavior, he maneuvers Spock into taking Kirk on shore leave. The doctor knows that Kirk is slowly coming apart at the seams. He's already had to put Kirk on painkillers for the headaches he's having because of the broken bond, so McCoy is hoping that if the two of them spend time alone together the situation will get resolved.

It doesn't work out that way. Kirk picks Wrigley's for their shore leave, and proceeds to do everything in his power to hurt Spock. After dinner one night, Kirk blatantly flirts with a woman at the bar, his anger over his ex-bondmate's supposed indifference overriding his good sense. He taunts Spock, and manages to anger him to the point that Spock almost hits him. But the Vulcan stops himself at the last moment and flees back to their hotel room. Kirk is drunk, and decides to go with the woman when she invites him to her place. On the way there he's mugged and when he comes to, barely manages to get back to his and Spock's room.

Luckily for both, Kirk's injuries bring them temporarily closer. In the morning Kirk apologizes for his behavior, which Spock is more than willing to forgive now that he knows Kirk was out cold in an alley for the four hours he was gone, not having sex with the woman. And since Spock pretended to be asleep when Kirk got back to the room the night before, he feels guilty now that he knows Kirk was injured, not drunk. When Spock discovers the painkillers Kirk has hidden in his overnight bag, his concern grows but he says nothing. The next day they return to the ship, their relationship even worse than when they left.

So McCoy tries again. He knows what Kirk is waiting for, but he can't come right out and tell Spock because of doctor-patient confidentiality. He tries to drop hints, but only manages in making Spock think that his fears are true, that Kirk knows of his desire and can't stand being alone with him. Spock decides to confront his captain, tell him how he feels, and hope that he won't have to leave the ship.

Of course, when he finally does tell Kirk, the whole sorry mess comes out and they end up in bed. Kirk's sharing of his memories of their relationship restores Spock's and they re bond.

The story is beautifully written, and Kirk's pain and heartbreak is achingly portrayed. But-First, I just couldn't get past Kirk's uncharacteristic behavior. Perhaps if there had been some sort of explanation, but I got the impression that this was just Kirk reacting out of fear and loneliness. And his argument for not telling Spock about them doesn't make sense when you're later told that Spock had asked for the bond. Also, though there's a brief reference to their complete lack of understanding regarding each other's motives, it still rang false how little communication there was between them, even before Spock's death. These two men were supposed to have been mentally linked for four years! Spock makes the comment that the mind doesn't answer questions it's not asked. But you don't have to read someone's mind to know their basic personality, especially after knowing them for over ten years. And good grief, both of you, talk to each other!

My other problem with the story is the circumstance it all hinges on. Why does Spock remember everything but their intimate relationship and bonding? He remembers their friendship and events that took place in their lives. He remembers past missions and all the people he once knew. So why are the only gaps in his memory those that deal specifically with them as lovers? Why this so very selective amnesia? It just seems too contrived. And no explanation is even attempted as to how or why this would occur.

So I have to say that, though I like the story for its emotional intensity and just plain good writing, these two inconsistencies keep it from being a real favorite.

Since Spock died, then went through fal-tor-pan, Kirk has been experiencing terrible headaches, one of a number of symptoms brought about by the severed bond with Spock. McCoy asks him why he doesn't just tell Spock, and the reader eventually wonders this, too. Kirk's answer is astonishingly unconvincing— having to do with some reasons like he wants Spock to decide and maybe he forced Spock to bond with him the first time. Can you imagine forcing Spock to bond?

On board the Enterprise, Kirk reprimands Scott, who responds in anger. Excuse me, but isn't Kirk his commanding officer? Doesn't Kirk get to tell him what to do?

Outside of a number of British-isms and zillions of ellipses, the biggest problem in this story was misunderstandings. We're not talking about minor misunderstandings, mind you. We're talking about huge, unrelenting, ongoing, never-ending misunderstandings topped off with a bunch of miscommunications and false assumptions, mixed in with some wild mood swings.

Even when Spock finds an incriminating hypo-spray, even when Kirk was badly beat up, even when all manner of things happen, nobody says anything to anyone. So by the time they finally got together, I was too tired to care much.

And let me ask you— why does anyone want to go to a planet where everything is dirty, sleazy and dangerous? This is a lure? This is a tourist attraction? However... there was some really good work with Spock. It was nicely detailed, often insightful and realistic of the Vulcan after his memory has been restored. And even though it was another in the series of misunderstandings, Spock's anguish of his jealousy toward Kirk was nicely portrayed. Also, I enjoyed Kirk's dream/memory sequence and the discovery that it was indeed, a memory.

There's an excellent scene as Spock watches Kirk swimming in a pool and then emerging from the water. This is immediate and visual, making us understand exactly what Spock is feeling. And very good overall story structure. It was very clear and nicely paced with good readability.

I enjoy reading such fine language.

After fal tor pon, Spock doesn't remember their relationship. Kirk feels he had always taken the initiative, and wants Spock to rediscover their on his own. Kirk feels maybe Spock was too emotionally vulnerable after V'ger, maybe he didn't go into the relationship with eyes wide open. So this time, he wants Spock to initiate. I was pissed at Kirk's excessive stubbornness. I enjoyed the feline female Kirk picked up. Fascinating tail eroticism!

Ok, now. I'm going to assume the author's intent was very purposeful here, and she was successful. This story made me absolutely nuts. Maybe not the classic form of angst, but certainly frustration elevated to a fine art. At one point I simply didn't know If I could possibly bear to continue reading, but of course I did.

Painful misunderstandings and awkward estrangement, withdraw!, closing off, getting worse and worse by the minute. Misunderstanding heaped upon misunderstanding, frustration upon frustration, estrangement upon estrangement, and shame heaped on top of that!

Like K/S interruptus. Then, then, finally, finally, almost going to come together, Spock's almost going to remember. Kirk's almost going to open up, Spock's almost going to assert himself, finally, almost, finally, almost almost, almost, oh god!!

So I'm still here (but ought to be in a cold shower) and finally.... Unbearably beautiful - they almost walk away from each other again, but instead walk into each other's arms. An exquisite moment, finally, after all that. Ah...

Oh, angst multiplied! This story is so painful to read, but the payoff is worth the accelerated heartbeat you are bound to experience as you see how Kirk is unwilling to tell Spock that they were lovers before the fal-tor-pan. There is one line in the story that I just adore and I'd read a hundred pages to get to it.

I've just finished reading "Twice I Have Lived Forever", and as I struggled through the horrible anguish that Kirk was experiencing after the severing of his and Spock's bond at the hands of Khan, I wondered: why do I enjoy this? Another question that might be asked is: how does an author manage to pack so much feeling, such deep devotion, into 43 pages? The two questions combined may provide the answer. There is no more profound discovery than the revelation of how much someone has meant to us after we’ve lost them. Kirk has regained Spock through the Fal Tor Pan in this story, and yet as he sits across the chess board from his beloved, he is anguished. He wants and needs Spock in all ways and yet he cannot even express his love, let alone demonstrate it. He misses the way Spock always picked up on his feelings, yet now Spock asks if something is wrong but there is no feeling behind the question, it is more like curiosity, or even sympathy, but the understanding he once had of his bondmate is not there. Kirk’s impulsive reactions to the slightest annoyance tells the reader he is reaching his limits of endurance, Spock simply apologizes for asking and goes back to their chess game.

The reader is drawn inexorably into Kirk’s misery, his confusion, his pain. Improbable as it is, he faces the loss of everything he holds dear, everything he fought so desperately to save. His anger at the situation envelopes me, his frustration at being unable to make Spock understand, to even understand himself what he sees as his own unreasonable selfishness, is overwhelming. In his mind he focuses his anger on Spock, his unspoken words thundering in his head as Spock walks out of his cabin unaware of the turmoil he leaves behind. “Damn you!!!” Shortly we learn that there is a physical problem that accompanies the emotional toll of the bond that was ripped from him at Spock’s death. McCoy is prescribing painkillers for the increasingly severe headaches, but knows he is supplying only a bandaid, not a cure. Kirk’s thoughts as he stumbles toward sickbay are excruciating. “So alone; so crushingly, achingly alone...Oh, God....” Once when McCoy has left him to sleep off the painkiller in sickbay, Kirk awakens to a sound. “Sp...Spock?” he whispers. It is only McCoy. How can these few words convey so much longing? It is like this throughout the story. No matter how much he hurts, instead of opening up dialogue with Spock, Kirk refuses, telling Bones that he feels he pressured Spock into their relationship at the beginning and this time Spock must come to him. So they both suffer. Why do I enjoy seeing Kirk nearly incapacitated by pain and grief? Because, I think, it makes me see the depth of his love for Spock in a way that no love scene can ever do. There are ways to put words together so that they wrap themselves around your heart and squeeze unmercifully. Such are the words in this story...it is unceasingly emotional. Kirk is not alone in his pain. As Spock becomes more aware that Kirk is deeply troubled, he senses that he is somehow at the root of it, that there is something he should be saying or doing differently, yet Kirk denies the truth of this. Now, Spock is torn as well. There is a time that Kirk’s turmoil drives him to near-cruelty. Spock has suggested shore leave, hoping that a quiet secluded location will help them come to terms with whatever lies between them, but Kirk instead chooses Wrigley’s and Spock acquiesces. It is a plan that goes spectacularly and predictably awry.

This is a gripping tale of sometimes misguided selflessness and overpowering grief that will leave you stripped bare of emotion before you’ve finished. The climax is artfully unexpected and well-crafted. Finally all is right with the world. Theirs. And mine.