The Same Mistake

Fanfiction
Title:	The Same Mistake
Author(s):	Islaofhope
Date(s):	2000
Length:
Genre(s):	slash
Fandom(s):	Star Trek: TOS
Relationship(s):	Kirk/Spock
External Links:	The Same Mistake and on AO3
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The Same Mistake is a Kirk/Spock story by Islaofhope.

It was published as part of the first Kirk/Spock Online Festival (KSOF) in 2000, and subsequently in the Festival zine, a selection of the best stories from KSOF 2000 with additional artwork.

Summary

"A/U After a meld with Sarek, Kirk starts remembering his love affair with Spock during the first five year mission, an affair Spock removed all memories of after each encounter."

Reactions and Reviews

I really liked this story even though I'm one of those people who don't normally care much for stories that take place right after the end of the first 3 year mission. But in this instance I was glad I suspended my prejudice and read this excellent entry to an intemet online contest.

... this proved to be a very well written an imaginative story wherein Kirk has a series of erotic fantasies, interspersed with the progress of the story. However, after reading it I find myself wondering more and more whether some of the seemingly real parts of the story were not also fantasies. The story was well planned and the sex scenes were intense but believable considering Spock's Vulcan nature.

I hope to see more of this author's stories in print and will surely go onto the internet looking for some of her work at my earliest opportunity.

I applaud Islaofhope for tackling the darker side of K/S. The Same Mistake made me think and I suppose that that alone is enough to recommend it as an interesting story. Kirk and Spock obviously have many admirable traits, but they are hardly flawless. If they were each just as perfect as can be, they would be unbelievable, uninteresting characters.

But both Kirk and Spock do have strong, internalized moral codes and both men are very serious about sticking to their principles. This does not mean that either of the two is an unbending personality blindly following a set of rules like a computer following a program. In many instances, circumstances force Kirk and Spock to choose the lesser of two evils. A good case in point would be Spock's decision to lie and steal in order to help Pike. Given Spock's loneliness, and Kirk's less-than-stellar track record in his relationships with women, I am definitely open to the idea that Spock might try to use his telepathic powers to ensure Kirk's fidelity and continued interest. He would, of course, come to regret this behavior over time, as he indeed does in this story (his revealing conversation with T'Pring is great). However (and this is a big however), he'd need a very good reason to start walking down this path, and I don't think Islaofhope has provided us with a strong enough reason here.

What do I think might make Spock decide to go messing around in Kirk's mind? Well, let's suppose that Kirk came to Spock late one night and said something like "I love you and I wish I could stay with you forever, but I know I can't because I'm terrible at intimate relationships. This is something I really hate about myself and I'd do anything to change this part of my character." In a case like that, I could see Spock convincing himself that altering Kirk's memories would be of benefit to all concerned, and I'm even willing to believe that he would conveniently overlook the great, big self-interest factor... at least at first.

But we don't really get a scene like that inthis story. Instead we get scenes in which Kirk makes statements that maybe, possibly can be taken to mean that he wishes his memories could be altered or erased: the excuses just seem too flimsy for Spock to act on, tempted though he may be. True, at first Spock is erasing memories of their lovemaking, which can only be interpreted as self-interest if he believes that in the morning a horrified or embarrassed Kirk will ask him to transfer. But there is at least some suggestion that that is exactly why he chooses to erase the memories.

Interestingly, we are getting all of this through Kirk's point of view, and there is some suggestion that the lovemaking scenes that Kirk is "remembering" were actually only fantasies in the first place. In some sense, we don't really know what the heck has been going on. I'm not objecting to this: I enjoyed the mystery, which at times had an almost Hitchcockian flavor. But what is pretty clear is that by the end of the story Spock really is altering Kirk's memories and this time ifs to get Kirk to stick around. The odd thing is that Spock seems fairly miserable about this, but when he has a chance to let Kirk go he doesn't do it. This degree of self-destructive selfishness just wasn't present in the Spock we saw in TOS. It's closer to something the mirror Spock would do. Also, Kirk seems just a little too passive. I wasn't sure if we were supposed to infer from this passivity that Kirk really did want Spock to rearrange his thoughts for him: maybe the author was tryingto make us believe that Kirk was as much at fault as Spock, but if that's the case I wasn't convinced. Instead, Kirk just seemed like a pale, confused version of the Kirk we saw in TOS.

I did like the author's characterization of Sarek and I loved the idea that Spock, who is allowed only one final communication with the outside world before becoming a permanent resident of Gol, would choose to use his precious last message to contact Kirk I also liked the way that parts of the story are open to different interpretations: I'm hoping this story gets a lot of LOCs so Ican see if other readers come up with a completely different spin on it.

The Same Mistake does come close to being an interesting exploration of how the K/S relationship could go horribly wrong. But, for me at least, it fell short. It might have helped if the story had been longer so we could see things starting out slowly and then picking up momentum until both K and S are hopelessly entangled in a web of Vulcan lies. Another possibility might have been to show some of the story from Spock's point of view maybe then we would have had a more convincing explanation for his behavior.

First of all, I was pleased Jenna and Dusky put out this zine of net stories, as Dorothy had done a couple years ago, for those of us who don’t read there. I know there’s some good stuff, but I simply won’t read at my computer, unless I got a laptop, which is unlikely. Nor will I print out stories from on-line. So thank you.

I definitely enjoyed this story...but at the end was left questioning. I don’t know if the author felt she resolved the mysterious thread running through the story; if she did, I look forward to her hopefully responding here in the K/S Press with how she felt she resolved things, or if indeed they’re purposely left unanswered. Once I realized what was going on in this story, I thought of the same scenario I’d read in another story (I’m so bad—can’t remember when, what zine, author...) where Spock keeps taking away Kirk’s memories each time they get together sexually. But this is not the same story at all; and there is interesting and unique stuff in it, as I now have come to expect from this author. And well written, so I’m not stopped by awkward writing that slows down the reading. Kirk is with Lori, at the end of their sad relationship. I like this time period, Kirk’s depression, dissatisfaction with his work, etc. Ripe for changes and drama. He has a letter Spock sent from Gol, a “confession and apology.” In a month, Spock can have no more contact with anyone. He says, I wronged thee. I wanted you. I took your memories of Rayna, etc. If only I had confessed I love you. Now we will never see each other again. Oh, tragic. This made me laugh, that I got bugged each time I read “data solid” (the message from Spock). What the heck’s that? Does this come from a common tech phrase I haven’t come across yet? I mean, I know it’s a kind of data medium, but what? As opposed to a “data liquid” or “data ephemeral”? Maybe so...as in data stream, not committed to removable media. But I digress. Kirk sees Sarek at a Vulcan Embassy function. I could really hear Sarek in this dialogue. He says, you are thinking of Spock. Kirk tells all to Sarek; with convincing thoughts/feelings in Kirk’s head as to why he would do this. An initiate is allowed only one message, and Spock sent his to Kirk. They talk of Kirk forgiving Spock and so on...and Sarek says kind of out-of-the-blue, Then you accept him as your bondmate. Whoa—cool. Kirk asks Sarek to help him remember. I certainly love this, Sarek melding with Kirk. I could really go on and on in great detail, but I’ll quell myself. What we see through the story are flashbacks/memories of Kirk and Spock coming together, though Kirk has no memory of it in the present time of the story. The first memory is during the meld with Sarek, but then others surface. These are really good. Various sweet/romantic shipboard life/episode scenes leading up to sex each time. Quite lovely sex, well written. A skillful and erotic Spock. But each time there’s some small thing Kirk says that makes Spock misinterpret his feelings; that’s why he makes Kirk forget. Or so it would seem. Well, of course Kirk has to go marching off to Gol to get the real story from Spock. There are various details about all this; everything is covered so there aren’t any holes (except, as I said, the ones I felt at the end). So then there are good scenes of Kirk on Vulcan, and more flashback/memories...and then finally meeting up with Spock out in the desert. This is the scene as we saw it in STTMP with the high priestess about to bestow the symbol of Kolinahr on him...except with Kirk there to interrupt the ceremony...and then their finally coming together. Quite interesting. And also raw but exquisite sex right out there in the raw desert. But from here on, the conclusion of this scene and then the scene which picks up a year later...I still don’t know the truth. At first I really liked how the reality (as Spock says it) isn’t at all what we’ve been led to believe from Kirk’s side...but then, the year-later scene, the sad troubles between them (growing apart, mistrust; T’Pring is also involved)...I don’t know. About here I started to get concerned, when there was like only two pages left and I had no idea whether they’d actually been lovers in the past or not. Nor did I know what Spock’s trip was if indeed he’d kept taking away the memories...or if he hadn’t. The very ending passage, only a few paragraphs, I also didn’t know which timeline it was, for instance, and the words in the “memory” theme were ambiguous. Help.

I liked reading after the stories in this zine the “challenges” that the authors took on to write about. This one was: Kirk is depressed on Earth, with Spock at Gol and no V’ger to bring them together. This story, though, is about so much more than that. Or else I would have thought the challenge was: write an eight-scene (or so) story with sex in every scene! She sure met that challenge deliciously.

Another wonderful story by a terrific author whose works I always look forward to because I know there’ll be something unusual and exciting. This story is no exception.

It starts with Kirk having divorced Lori and receiving a goodbye message from Spock that he’s going away to Gol. Then Kirk is at the Vulcan Embassy talking with Sarek about Spock. Kirk says he can’t seem to remember their relationship—at least the sexual aspect of it—and Sarek agrees to help him remember with a mind meld. This portrayal of Sarek is one of my favorites—strong and very Vulcan, yet tender and compassionate. I especially liked the idea of Kirk sharing with Sarek all the sexual experiences he’s had with Spock. Or at least he thinks he has had. Of course I really liked the scene with Gary Mitchell and Kirk’s comment that after Spock neck-pinched him he’d be okay until later because they “won’t be reaching the galaxy’s edge for another couple of days.” Touches like that lend a reality and a continuity to the story. At first, when we see Spock and Kirk easily have sex without any mention of a first encounter, I wondered at their ease. But this little mystery becomes the focus of the story. One little pesky detail that often bothers me (okay, I said me!) is the use of “Jim” instead of Kirk. When Spock uses it, it’s fine, but when it’s used from Kirk’s own POV, the name gets pointed up instead of being neutral. Kirk referring to himself as “Jim” instead of as “Kirk” is disconcerting. To me. Regardless of this pesky peccadillo of mine, this story is written wonderfully. The many sex scenes especially are not your average, garden-variety sex scenes. Islaofhope infuses them all with real passion and romance balanced with lots of unusual and different things.

Little mysterious clues are scattered about to lead us to different conclusions. At one point Kirk tells Spock: “I’d prefer to forget what happened last night.” We and Spock don’t know exactly what he means—the incident with Gary? Or Spock’s and his sex? Later, Kirk says he wants McCoy to join them as “a threesome”. Excuse me? Poker or sex? I loved these mysteries. The flashbacks are all done really well and I particularly liked the one of the pon farr aftermath. There’s a neat smoldering, testy, sexy Spock who burns for Kirk—always a good thing. This is cool: “His hands moved restlessly over Jim’s body...” (despite the “Jim”). Great shower scene! And nice thread of Kirk questioning whether they’ve done it before. Kirk goes off to Gol to get Spock. I admit to not quite getting why he has to hike there, but maybe transporters aren’t allowed or something. The Vulcan monastery is shown beautifully—all silent, Spartan and very...well, monasterial. I love the touch of “Spock cha Sarek” and “Spock cha Kolinahr”. Neat. So then Kirk hikes out again into the Vulcan desert to an outdoor temple all described really nicely with hot springs, rocks and the night sky. Excellent scene as Kirk grabs the Kohlinahr pendant from the self-righteous Vulcan woman with a “wait a damn minute”! So Kirk! And Spock’s response is equally his own: “You do have a unique approach to Vulcan ceremonies, Admiral.” Carpet thrashing time here as it’s granite-floor thrashing right there in the temple. I love: “Marry me” and “I already have”. More mystery about the dreams or fantasies or memories—Spock reveals they’ve been linked and maybe the memories are his. This is left as a year passes and Kirk overhears Spock talking with T’Pring. Kirk and Spock’s passion evidently has cooled and they’ve continued to argue about the memories. From what Kirk hears T’Pring say, he decides he and Spock should have a separation. Of course, it’ll have to be after they go home and have some mighty fine hot sex, and of course, they’ll stay together. I loved the last lines: “I remember that I love you. What else do I need to remember?” because the author lets us decide if this was real or was it Memorex?

Islaofhope is one of my favorite K/S authors. She doesn’t have to keep up this pace of lots of stories, but she had better not stray too far from writing K/S. My blue velvet poodles will be at the ready.