Fandom Grandma (Dee)

Fan
Name:	Fandom Grandma
Alias(es):	Dee, spockslash
Type:	fanzine publisher, fan club organizer, fanwriter
Fandoms:	Star Trek
Communities:
Other:
URL:	spockslash.tumblr (archive link), earlytrekfandom.tumblr
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Fandom Grandma was a Star Trek fan. She was active with fanworks and cons from when the show was first on the air in the late 1960s. According to her own words: "1984 was my last active year with working cons and contributing slash to print.... by late 1986 I was out of active fandom altogether, and not even buying zines anymore."

She is not be confused with either of the Dee Beetems.

Twenty-five years later, she rediscovered fandom. When she was 77 years old, she created the Tumblr blog Spockslash, and was very active with fans regarding her time in fandom, and with comments about art.

See her interview: Fandom Grandma: From my chat with a journalist.

She passed in February 2018.

Some Fannish History

I started out back in the early 60s as a science fiction writer, writing for club newsletters and fiction circulars, the latter being similar to what would develop into fan zines in the late 60s.

I had a chance to interview Gene Roddenberry by phone very soon after Star Trek first aired, and I wrote an article about Vulcan based on our conversation, which also made the rounds of the sci-fi circle I was part of. In the following couple years, I contributed articles and essays (what I understand is now called meta) to some fan publications, as well as some short fiction.

In the very early days, while the show was still on the air, I was co-writing an ongoing series of adventure stories that revolved around myself and my fandom friends in Starfleet uniform, running about on away missions with Uhura at the command. Uhura was leading a whole pack of women who were all smart and capable and didn’t need men around (except the occasional red shirt, whom we sacrificed on our away missions). There was no romance / shipping in those stories; it was all fantasy fulfillment based on wanting to break out of the limiting world of being a woman in the 60s, and joining Starfleet where you were not a “woman” but a “crewman” (thank you, James T. Kirk).

This story cycle was never published anywhere; it was always intended as fun for myself and my friends. A couple friends and I took turns writing “episodes,” which were typed out and then made the rounds of readers until the pages all but fell apart.

I was also part of a writing circle at the same time, about ‘67-’68, that was writing Spock-is-pining-for-Jim stories. There was no mention of sex, or even the desire for it; it was all Spock trying to deal with strong emotions for Jim that he didn’t know how to process.

In 1968-69, I started writing fiction that explored the romantic/physical elements of the K/S relationship, but I kept that work hidden until about 1973 or 74, when I started circulating it among friends (which was how all slash was circulated then).

At one point I wrote a novel-length story with Sulu as the central character. Again, no shipping, but it was the vehicle for exploring what it would be like to be a scientist in Starfleet. (Remember, our first meeting with him in “The Man Trap” depicted him as a botanist).

In the late 70s I wrote the first part of what became a story series, exploring the bonded (later married) relationship between Jim and Spock. I added to the story cycle, taking into account what we had learned from the movies, after The Motion Picture, Wrath of Kahn and The Search for Spock.

By 1986, when Voyage Home came out, I had been active in fandom for 20 years, and had been gradually fading out of it for the two years since Search for Spock. I added one last short story to the cycle in ‘86, in response to Voyage Home, but never circulated it beyond a few friends.

And that was the last fan writing I did until about 10 days ago!

I realized I forgot to mention all my Sarek & Amanda stories! I wrote lots of those: Sarek & Amanda’s relationship primarily, with some ‘family’ stories of Spock’s growing up, and some of Sarek & Amanda interacting with Spock’s children from my Spirk fiction cycle.

I started thinking about [Kirk/Spock] before Amok Time aired.

In the summer of ‘67, watching the reruns of the first season, I very clearly remember a growing sense of, “They really love each other.” I did not jump to “they are in a romantic/sexual relationship,” but I was increasingly aware that there was love and devotion between them. I wrote a speculative essay about their platonic love in our summer fan club newsletter, which I remember being well-received.

With the start of Season 2, our whole fan club (and often others) watched the show together, at the house of the one person we knew with a color TV. The show was on Friday nights, so we would start the weekends by piling into her living room and watching “in living color” for the first time. Afterwords we would stay and discuss.

When Amok Time aired, we definitely had a lot to talk about. I am pretty sure no one suggested that they were gay – that would have been quite a scandalous suggestion at that time; and I don’t think I thought it myself. But we did have quite a discussion about how much Jim was willing to sacrifice for Spock, Spock’s reaction to seeing Jim alive, and what did Spock mean by “having not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting…?”

Did Spock … want Jim?

Two camps formed: one believing that Spock was in love with Jim and was pining for him, the other believing no way! that’s ridiculous!

Single copies of “Spock pines for Jim” stories started appearing and being circulated hand-to-hand. Two other women and I were doing most of the writing in my circle of fan friends, and because distribution was so difficult, we started having Thursday night gatherings. Anyone could come and we would read the latest installments in our Spock-loves-Jim stories out loud to the group.

Sometime between the second and third season, my primary writing mentor – an established, published sci-fi writer who was much older than me – told me in private conversation that she thought their love was mutual, quite possibly physical, and that she thought their relationship was worth exploring in writing.

She and I each started working on long pieces exploring the Kirk/Spock relationship, and it was the first time I had seriously entertained the idea that their love was also physical. That was a very secret project. We only ever shared our work with each other for comment / revision, and never mentioned it to anyone else at the time.

The first time I realized that the K/S relationship – which was called “The Premise” in those days – was being explored by other writers and even artists was in the summer of ‘69. Star Trek had been cancelled and I went to another state to meet with a handful of people who were forming a fan network to try to get Star Trek back on air. While there, a fellow fan showed me a set of drawings, all very tame by today’s standards, that depicted a physical relationship between Jim and Spock. I remember how shocked I was — not by the subject matter, but by the fact that someone had dared depict it.

Slash stayed very much underground until late 1974, when the first published K/S story used very coded language to suggest a love relationship between them. [...]

I’d like to add a bit more historical context myself. Until the 1970s, years after TOS had finished its run, sodomy was a felony in 49 out of 50 states of the US -- a felony which was punishable by prison or death. Throughout the 60s and into the 70s, I can remember reading carefully-worded news stories about gay men being arrested and given decades-long prison sentences.

[...]

In the early years of writing slash, one had to be very, very careful about who knew you read or wrote such material. Women and men both went to jail for violating obscenity laws. Just letting people know you entertained the idea of “The Premise” of K/S love could (and did) have people openly questioning your mental health, your morality, your character, your ability to do your job, and the safety of children in your presence.

Let me share with you a little [story] of my own. I too was a misfit in my own family. Because of the era I grew up in, my love of science and calculus was an embarrassment to my parents. I fought to be allowed to take the science track in my high school, and when I got good grades — better grades than most of the boys — my dad would laugh nervously and apologize to everyone, “We don’t know where this comes from. We’re not even really sure she’s our kid.”

Ha ha.

Not.

My properly feminine sisters kept their distance, and got all the praise. In school I had no friends. Which was wise on the part of other kids, because being with the nerdy girl meant guilt by association: you too might get stuffed into lockers and trash cans and once, pushed out of a moving car by the seniors.

See, I know how lonely it is to be a “misfit.” I know.

I remained a loner well into my twenties, until I found a group of older women who shared my interest in science fiction. They weren’t wanted in the guys’ sci-fi clubs, so they formed their own! They were all semi-professional and professional writers, and they welcomed me into their circle and mentored me in writing and in life.

It was a couple of years later, when I was 26, that my life collided with a brand-new show called Star Trek. And I can tell you, for certain, that I would not have gained half the self-confidence I have now if Star Trek had never happened.

When I started writing Star Trek fan fiction, within weeks of the show coming on the air, I quickly … inexplicably … scarily … was suddenly “popular.” It made me really uncomfortable. I found it scary for anyone to notice me … I knew it could not end well.

Except, I quickly made another discovery: my new-found friends were all just like me. The “weirdos.” The misfits. The kid the parents were ashamed of.

And in this group — small but growing — we all had a superpower: we all knew how to be kind. Having been the outsiders in our own lives up to that point, we did not want to be responsible for causing anyone else’s pain.

Meeting and hanging out with fellow fans made me feel safe in social situations, and I learned that I am actually not so shy after all. In fact, I am the mischievous one who talks everyone into doing outrageous things — once I’m in a group that feels safe.

I learned I could make people laugh. I learned I could be a leader. I learned what a joy it is to make others feel welcome. Is it any wonder then, that I dedicated the next decade of my life to bringing fellow fans together, and as one cog in the great wheel that was trying to get Star Trek back on the air?

What I am trying to say, dear heart, is you are not alone. You are a member of a group that feels misplaced in society as it stands, and looks to what Star Trek represents for a better, more hopeful, more compassionate world. In short, you are a Star Trek fan! Be proud: this tradition stretches back unbroken for over 50 years.

My fervent wish and hope for you is that you can find your people, in real life as well as in this fandom here on the internet. You deserve to be with people who cherish you for who you are, and will not mock your interests, whether they share them or not. You deserve to be safe with friends, so that you too can discover all the wonderful elements of yourself that the world has made you keep hidden away.

I promise you, you are more amazing and wonderful than you know.

LLAP, and love, Grandma

Probably half my writing was spirk: some fluff / space husbands pieces; some very NSFW stories; and a couple novel-length pieces with chapters and plot. One of the chapter works followed their lives over several decades. I gave them children in that one. :-) I wrote other characters too: lots and lots of Sarek and Amanda. In the earliest days I wrote a lot with Uhura as the central character (chapter fic, not ship stuff), and one very long multi-chapter bit with Sulu as the central character.

I also did some non fiction, the earliest of which went all the way back to fall of ‘66, and an article I wrote (this seems funny to me now) titled “Spock of Vulcan” that summarized an interview I did with Gene Roddenberry about how he envisioned Spock’s home planet.

"An open Tumblr letter to younger fans, from a 77-year-old TOS fangirl"

• who has shipped Spirk since that night in 1967 that Amok Time first aired
• and helped storm NBC to keep TOS on the air for a 3rd season
• and wrote fanfic way back in the day
• and was privileged to be around for the earliest days of fandom, when Leonard used to come to your house if that’s where the fan club was meeting and sit on the sofa with you in that Spock hair cut and eat cake

All of you who are writing TOS/AOS fan fiction and creating fan art now: remember, YOU are the ones shaping the traditions of fandom. You have inherited the kingdom. Bless you for keeping it vibrant, growing, alive. In fifty years, you will be the ones who are remembered for molding it and handing it down to the future. It probably doesn’t feel like now, but you are making history.

Your current addiction to TOS and the feels you get when you contemplate the love between Jim and Spock will be with you for life. It won’t always be in the forefront; you will sometimes go years, sometimes go a decade, without Star Trek being more than a passing thought. But then something will remind you and every consuming feeling you feel right now will come rushing back, every bit as powerful and deep and strong as it is today. All there, right where you left it.

The friendships you make in fandom will be with you for life. Like all friendships, they will wax and wane as the focus of your life shifts over time, but you will always be able to pick up the thread. You will — to give you a hypothetical example — be 77 years old and discover Tumblr and get a rush of Spirk feels after a decade of not giving TOS a thought, and contact your 83-year-old fangirl friend in the nursing home, to whom you haven’t spoken in several years. You will open the conversation with, “So, Jim and Spock love each other and that just makes me so happy.” And your friend in the nursing home will sigh and say, “Yes. They do love each other. It’s such a comfort.”

That look that Jim and Spock give each other, of absolute adoration and acceptance and love? That’s real. It’s rare, but it’s real. One of my greatest joys in life is to see my son and his husband give each other looks like that. Of course I don’t know you; I don’t know your strengths and struggles or your place on the spectrum of gender or anything about your sexuality or what you look like or what your life has taught you to believe about yourself, but I do know this: YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED AND LOOKED AT THE WAY JIM AND SPOCK LOOK AT EACH OTHER. Please don’t accept less than that in your life.

The future of our planet does not seem very hopeful at the moment. But please remember that when Gene created Star Trek, the world was in turmoil and the future seemed very bleak. Star Trek is, was, always shall be about hope. Reach for it. When TOS first aired, we hoped to see some form of a Starfleet on the horizon in our lifetimes. That vision must be passed on to you. Do it. Make the world worthy of launching the human race out into space. CREATE STARFLEET.

You are all creative and funny and amazing. Far more amazing than you know. Be kind to yourselves. Live long and prosper, kids.

I am re blogging this ‘open letter’ tonight because I wrote and posted it one short week, and 5324 notes ago.

When I wrote it, it was for myself, because I honestly thought it would be read by the people I tagged (maybe) and no one else. I had 5 followers, at least one of which was a spam bot.

I could not have imagined how that post would lead to the kindness and welcome I have received here, to my new fandom grandkids, my very own Star Trek grandma portrait, all the conversations and sharing of memories and making of new friends.

Tonight I just want to say thanks to all of you for being so wonderful. For keeping fandom wonderful.

You make me proud to be a fangirl among you.

Love, and LLAP, Grandma

Farewell Post

After she passed, her children posted the following letter to her Tumblr blog at her request:

"I hope you know that you have enriched my life immensely in what turn out to be my final months. What fun it has been to be a fan among fans again! I feel so lucky to have discovered modern fandom and this community when I did. You have taught me so much. You’ve impressed me, moved me, made me laugh, and brought a whole lot of happiness to my days.

I hope you know how honored I feel to have been embraced by you as your Fandom Grandma and your friend. It’s humbling to be given this opportunity to care so openly, so freely. I am touched by this, daily, more than I can say.

I know that some of my adopted family here are not in happy family situations in their off-screen lives. It troubles me that I will not have further opportunity to tell you how special you are, how unique, how precious. That you are worthy of love and happiness. Please know that wherever I am, my caring about you and believing in you will still go on.

Dear beautiful hearts — and that means every one of you — please be kind to yourselves. And to each other. Please, please keep fandom a place where we are welcoming to newcomers. Where we value each other, even if we don’t agree on specific ideas.

And please go on enjoying fandom, as long as it is meaningful and positive for you. I hope many of you will be fandom grandparents to the generations that will follow! Please keep writing and creating art. Keep our traditions alive. I’m passing the torch of this historic fandom on to you now.

You are amazing. I love you. I know you will make me proud.

Reactions/Recollections To Spockslash' Farewell Post

[plaidshirtjimkirk]

She touched us all, inspired us all and we'll always remember her and be grateful to her. I don't have to say this, but your mother was an extraordinary person. Thank you for posting this on behalf of her. You and your family are in my thoughts.

[trek-tracks]

Dee was so wonderful, and this message is making me bawl with the sheer love it contains. We love you back, Dee.I want to thank all of you who have reached out in the past two days to share your stories about Dee and your love and grief with me. It’s been an honour and just the sort of connecting I think she’d want to inspire.I can’t claim to be a Fandom Grandma or even a Fandom Mom, but I am a little older than many of you on this site (early 30s). I just want to say that my inbox is always for whatever advice, comfort, love, commiseration, or encouragement I can provide. We can’t replace Dee, but we can honour her memory. LLAP from your Fandom Sister and Friend, everyone.#spockslash #personal #i miss dee #this was beautiful and devastating simultaneously#thank you so much to dee’s kids #hugs to everyone

[starkweather-moore in response to trek-tracks]

I saw this in the reblogs, and maybe this is presumptuous of me, I don’t know, but if there is to be a gathering of Fandom Parents who are ready to attempt to live up to Dee’s example then I would humbly submit myself as well. I exchanged like five sentences with her ever, I’m not active in any Star Trek fan communities, so I don’t have great credentials in that area. But I am turning 37 this year, and I have had incredibly strong feelings about this franchise since about 1990, and my inbox is also open to anyone who just wants some emotional support.

[timebird84]

Okay, though this comes from a complete different fandom I think it’s worth reading for everyone. For its message is precious beyond words apart from any fan community.

It is still unbelievable to me how much the passing of Dee aka “Star Trek Grandma” hurts me. I read this letter and actually had to cry, I couldn’t help it. Rarely have I known such an open-minded elderly lady, completely free from any prejudice, kind to everyone.

May she be remembered and her kindness live on amongst fans from all over the world, no matter from which fandom. May we learn from the short time she shared with us. That being a fan of something knows no age and a different opinion on something is never a reason to let a community friendship break. We are all connected in one big fandom (no matter which one), in the arts of drawing and writing, in sharing the things we love. Her posts will be painfully missed on my dash.

Sorry for being emotional. I just had to write it down.

I wish all the best and much strength for her family and friends in these hard times of loss and sadness.

[sexy-crow]

Thanks for everything Dee, wish I would have gotten the courage to send you a message rather than just look at all your posts. ♡

meedee

So I was pulled away today from working on the Tumblr Strikethrough pages on Fanlore for another project. But if there is anyone who wonders about the value of finding fandom spaces and a place for our own community, I give you Exhibit A: Fandom Grandma Dee. As fan artist @equalopportunityenby said best: "LLAP She Did”

[yoyo-inspace reblogged this from meeedeee]

#wow #I didn't know about this until now #and despite being pretty upset by it - it brought some good as well because I ended up going through her blog again #and just reliving all over again what a wonderful presence she was in fandom space# fandom grandma #fandom

[nivael]

I solemnly swear to always be kind to myself. And to others. I swear that i will do my best to keep fandom a place where everyone is welcoming to newcomers. Where we value each other, even if we don’t agree on specific ideas.

"For all the gay and trans people who wrote messages..."

[From Dee @spockslash ‘s son again]

For all the gay and trans people who wrote messages to my family about what my mom meant to you, my husband and I want to respond. First, thank you. It was great to hear. I’m proud of my mom for many things but the most for what an ally and advocate she was to the gay community. Especially for kids. Obviously I’m gay and I feel very lucky that my mom was my mom. She was the best. Not merely accepting but celebrating who I am. Adopting my husband and loving him like her own son. When I was in high school and college all the gay and questioning kids hung out at my house because of her. One trans boy lived at our house for over a year when his parents threw him out. She showered us with love and pride. I’ve read through some of her blog and can see that she was doing online what she did in real life. I’m glad and proud that she did that even when she was old. An old lady on tumblr because she always was the coolest though she didn’t know it. Now she’s gone, please, gay and trans kids who wrote to my family about her, honor her by loving yourselves and never, ever doing yourself harm. It’s what she would want. It’s really important. Thanks. -Zachary

Reactions

[burning--amber]

This is absolutely beautiful. If each of us can remember to be like her, be an ally to each other, no matter what our orientation, we can make 23rd century happen.Let’s be the change we want to see in this world. 🖖🏼

[elian-na-eldari]

"This was something I just sent her, and I hope her family sees it too:I just heard. I didn't know you long, but you meant so, so much. I'm sitting hear with tears pouring down my face. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your memory will be a blessing, as was your life. You have inspired me, and I hope to lead life according to the example you have shown us."

[butwhatistrue]

Thank you so much. She was amazing, and we're really grateful we got to meet her. I hope I can stick to that promise. It's so lovely to hear that she was as wonderful IRL as she was on here. And she really was the coolest!! Tumblr can be a confusing mess of a site, but she navigated it beautifully. Clearly she was as smart as she was wise. Thanks to the family for having shared her with us, and for what you do. I hope it doesn't complicate your process of grief. Love, K

Meta

• This is a personal story about Leonard Nimoy in which he sits upon a suburban sofa and eats cake. by spockslash (2017)
• A 50-year Trekkie bestows Star Trek history upon the next generation: How fandom and fanfiction sparked the galaxy’s most controversial romance (Beam me up, Grandma) by Alissa Smith (2018)