Something Deep Inside

Fanfiction
Title:	Something Deep Inside
Author(s):	Islaofhope
Date(s):	2001
Length:
Genre(s):	slash
Fandom(s):	Star Trek: TOS
Relationship(s):	Kirk/Spock
External Links:
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Something Deep Inside is a Kirk/Spock story by Islaofhope.

It was published in the print zine First Time #53.

Summary

"While filling in as starbase commander, Kirk meets and woos a woman, even though he and Spock were approaching a new level in their relationship after VʼGer."

Reactions and Reviews

I'm so glad Isla is having her stories in zines (and not only on the net that I don't read) because this one is so excellent that I am feeling that thrill of knowing when I see an author's name attached to a story, and I'm going to love it.

Usually, I don't tell most of the plot of a story unless necessary to the review. The plot of "Something Deep Inside"is so integral to the story, that I need to describe it in more detail than a story where the plot is: "Kirk and Spock find love on a planet."

After Vger, Kirk is preparing to go to a starbase to take temporary command for about six months. Ifs the dawn of his relationship with Spock (I love this scenario—right at the beginning of their relationship, jeopardy tears them apart) and they promise to take shore leave together afterwards. This first scene sets in motion the coming events and the next scene opens with Kirk exercising in the gym at the "starbase planet. (At first I got a little confused because in my limited grasp these things, I had thought that starbases were only orbiting structures.... I digress—here Kirk meets Nikki—a physics professor at the university. They begin a relationship which is sometimes shocking in light of what we know Kirk feels about Spock. But Kirk goes about this new relationship so naturally—without any forced feelings or instant hard-on. And the character of Nikki is written very well. She is not a "Mary Sue" or a bitch. You can see why Kirk would be attracted to her. As we all know only too well, pairing Kirk up with anyone other than Spock is treacherous ground to tread... But Isla develops the relationship so well, that I found myself accepting it and wondering how in the world Kirk was going to deal with Spock later.

This created some very fine dramatic tension and continued throughout as Kirk would have flashes of thoughts about Spock, or engage in conversation with Nikki about Spock.

A very effective brief moment was incorporated into the story to show Kirk's feelings about Spock and Nikki. He has a dream—but we don't know it's a dream at first—and we think it's really happening. Isla does this very well by putting it right at the opening of a scene, thereby creating a reality for the reader because we don't initially see him go to sleep. The dream is deceptively simple—Kirk is standing next to Nikki as Sarek and Amanda exit a shuttlecraft. Without pointing it up, or calling attention to it, Isla uses the same scene and dialogue as from the episode. So Nikki is there in place of Spock, and Amanda and Sarek are her parents. Ifs wonderfully shocking and surprising until the moment when Spock calls through and wakes Kirk.

Then Kirk talks casually to Spock over the comm unit while Nikki lies in bed next to him. Kirk continues to act as if being with Nikki is a natural thing and being with Spock is fine, too. He hasn't yet understood the nature of his relationship with Spock, so he thinks it's fine if Spock (as his best friend) gets to know Nikki (as his lover).

What a wonderful scene when Spock arrives at Kirk's apartment and watches him while he sleeps. Nikki comes in and they meet. Kirk is all happy because he's sure they'll like each other. He remains oblivious to both of their true underlying feelings.

I just loved the excitement and tension that was built in the scenes where all three go hiking together and Spock is jealous, but Kirk still doesn't see it.

Spock and Nikki develop a working relationship, however. They discuss scientific things... and start work on a project.

Kirk's growing feelings for Nikki culminate in his desire to marry her. Shocking! But he just forges ahead and another wonderful scene unfolds when Kirk is going to go out on a date with Nikki, and he reveals to Spock that he'll ask her to marry him. What a wonderful moment as Spock is playing the piano at nighttime in Kirk's living room when Kirk tells him this and Spock's reaction is so poignant.

What a great moment—Spock kisses Kirk and says: "Jim, how can you not know that I love you?"

And some wonderful dialogue here, including: "Jim, I wish to be your lover." I loved the part where Kirk leaves as Spock plays really sad music on the piano.

Kirk meets Nikki for their date and the whole time he's terribly conflicted. His dilemma and his thoughts are shown so realistically—an emotional roller coaster as he searches for love and stability in his life. This is a mature, yet incomplete Kirk—something is missing in his life and he knows it.

I loved the drama of Spock not coming home that night and Kirk not seeing him until after the attack by the Klingons. Also very well done was Kirk's fierce determination to rescue Spock and his lesser concern for Nikki when he finds out she's injured, but okay. I especially liked the excellent structure of this part— the opening and closing of scenes were particularly well done. A good example of this is when Kirk hears that the university has been attacked, the last line of that scene is: "I'm going back to assist with the rescue efforts. Keep me informed,' Kirk said as he dashed out the door."

And then the opening of the next scene is Kirk waking up in sickbay. So the reader doesn't know what happened along with Kirk which is good dramatic tension. All this is really good except for the italicized Kirk thoughts that repeat what we already learned from the situation and weaken the drama by explaining what he feels.

Then some good scenes with an official inquiry and discussion with McCoy, and Kirk escapes to his mother's Iowa farm. I liked the description of the farm and how Kirk feels about being there. Spock shows up—another excellent scene as they finally proclaim their love for each other.

They proceed to a very nice love-making scene except for an inexplicable moment when Kirk feels disappointment that Spock had come after giving Kirk fellatio. Too much was made of this and it felt jarring and inappropriate for their first lovemaking. And on the same note, was Spock reading "Stranger In A Strange Land" and saying Gary Mitchell "made the most unusual comment". What was that all about?

I liked the peach-eating scene and dancing naked to music, but I wasn't sure about the lyrics being written, except that they contain the title.

I'm sorry, but I chuckled when Spock mind-melds with Kirk and in the meld, Kirk sees himself as a "handsome Terran". Hmmm. No ego there.

Kirk's sudden anger about his mother and Spock and something about his not deserving Spock came out of left field, so to speak, and then I can't say I completely understood all the emotions that were going on. In fact, for the rest of the story—at this point only a few pages—so much is thrown in at the last minute that ifs a soup pot of all kinds of issues—marriage, being the captain, the Klingon attack—none explored fully.

The love-making scene is pretty good except for some of Kirk's weird comments like: "...are you sure that monster is going to fit up my ass?" and "Now that you've popped my cherry...".

So except for the last maybe one-quarter of the story, I thoroughly enjoyed it. As I said in the beginning, Islaofhope is a terrific author and I look forward to reading more of her work.

This has not only an interesting story-line and a fully portrayed and likeable "other-woman" character, but many intense and otherwise wonderful moments between Kirk and Spock Not all sweet and easy moments by any means. These are the older men, post-Vger.

I love these older men in K/S stories; and this is funny: I realize that what I've been calling the "older" Kirk and Spock are younger than I am now! Only in their 40's in the earlier movies, for instance. They used to seem "older" to me, but now I generally think of men in their 40's as "young." At the same time, Kirk and Spock, no matter what age, are really ageless and timeless, and no matter how old or young we are.

This is a good and realistic setting for a story during these years, that Kirk would be assigned temporary command of a starbase. Here we also get the state of affairs for the two men as far as their careers. Such as that HQ would like to give Spock the Enterprise, use Kirk for what they consider higher uses. But of course Spock wants to stay with Kirk.

So the opening scene is where they say goodbye for the six months of the upcoming assignment. There is a sweet and chaste hug of sorts. This feels realistic, some amount of holding back and awkwardness. Well, it seems Spock has something to discuss and they plan on two weeks shore leave together after the six months.

Kirk spends a lot of time the next months thinking about Spock, so we get his take on their relationship. Also from various dreams of Kirk's. Kirk realizes that Spock would be the ideal mate...if not for what he understands as problematical Vulcan sexuality. This is a fairly long-ish story, and "slow"in the sense that it's not rushed. There's time for these little day-to-day scenes and dreams, to put forth more of the feelings Isla wanted to express.

The gym at the starbase is where he meets Nikki. This is a minor thing: I thought that Kirk working out every morning for 2-1/2 hours is excessive. Maybe I'm a slouch—do all of you work out that long when you work out? Jeez.

Anyway, it's a cool little scene that shows a slice of starbase life; and by the interaction and dialogue between Nikki and Kirk, and another person, we begin to get a picture of her. I really don't care for nit-picking too much— because we all have our own rationale and thought processes as we're writing that make logical sense to us— but I wondered why Isla had them meet at the gym, because it required that we get an explanation of why Nikki, a physics professor at the nearby university, was allowed free use of the starbase's gym. See, even writing about it took more time than it's worth.

It turns out she's well aware of Spock—being a scientist herself, she admires Spock greatly.

Since we see the relationship as it develops between Kirk and Nikki only in Kirk's head, we're not really sure about her motivations. We have no reason to suspect anything untoward (and I'm not saying there is) but when things do come to a head later in the story, little subtle things we've seen in her make sense. We're not surprised out of the blue with some actions that don't feel like they follow naturally from what we know of the character thus far. I've come to realize that Isla does have a nice way of portraying characters with this kind of fine or subtle touch—they're authentic, and expressed just right on the page. Without demanding too much of center stage away from Kirk and Spock, of course.

I got excited when Kirk started thinking about Spock when he's in bed with Nikki...but it was only in the sense that he thinks Spock can't know this kind of fulfilling pleasure.

Finally, the day comes when Spock on the Enterprise comes to the starbase to get Kirk, and this is a whole other second part of the story. It's a slightly odd scene in some way, but I like it, so I'm not going to search myself for why I felt it odd. Kirk's in bed in the morning, Nikki in the kitchen or something, and Kirk thinks he's dreaming of Spock, sitting there touching him...and it's not a dream. Spock had gotten into town and come to the apartment and used their personal code to get in. That he came right to the bedroom and sat on the bed and touched Kirk is what I thought odd. Not that he would want to do that, but that he did.

Of course I felt all terrible about Spock having to face the fact that Kirk has gotten involved with this woman. But then, Spock and Nikki immediately develop a relationship over their shared scientific interests. But still it's painful, for me, that Kirkhas the three of them do things together, that Spock's plans for two weeks alone with Kirk don't pan out. They have words over this, and then wonder what they're arguing about, and Spock has to say things such as, I have no claim on you.

This becomes quite a tangled web, each of the three people not knowing where they each stand with the others. Kirk even thinks Nikki is falling in love with Spock. Spock and Nikki are spending a lot of time together, working on an article.

I could go into very much detail about the rest of the story, but I should try to quell it.

It finally comes out how Spock feels about Kirk, though Kirk is spending time with Nikki, without Spock. It broke my heart when Kirk tells Spock he wants to marry Nikki. A beautiful and sad scene, Spock playing sad piano, Kirk about to go out. Spock says, how can you not know I love you? And kisses Kirk! This is gorgeous, I loved it. Kirk totally responds, but must leave to meet Nikki...confused of course.

(I see I'm not quelling myself after all.) I loved how Kirk tells Nikki about Spock's feelings for him, and she had felt they already had been lovers. She didn't really understand why Kirk wanted to be with her instead of Spock. And I really loved this: she had a fantasy of maybe being able to marry both of them together. I want that! For me, I mean, not for her.

But then, events conspire to separate Kirk and Spock. A terrible situation where there's a bomb-disaster at the university. It's a good plot, with Klingons, and realistic insofar as Kirk's actions and what goes on in Starfleet. They're both physically hurt, too, Spock so bad he has to go to Vulcan.

The last part of the story, then, is their reunion finally. Threatened with court-martial, Kirks life has fallen apart; and he's spending a long time on the farm in Iowa. Of course, eventually Spock comes.

Here's some specific things I loved in this part: Kirk grows his own vegetables that he feeds Spock. I think this is really sexy, a man like him growing vegetables and cooking. (I do not consider cooking in the same category as the dread "housekeeping.") And of course I loved the image of Kirk dressed only in jeans, working outside getting all hot and sweaty.

By this time Kirk is really dear that he loves Spock, too, but hadn't had contact with him when he'd been on Vulcan. He's very tortured at this time, feels he's a failure and such, that Spock couldn't really love him.

The weakening relief and hug when they first meet again, impulsive small kisses, is delidous. Then Spock kisses Kirk for real, and it goes from there, pretty quickly. There was some talk I didn't care for, but some that I loved, nice pillow-talk.

One beef (I could call it a tofu instead of a beef) I have is Kirk expressing that he doesn't know what to do sexually with a man (Spock, though, has been with men sexually before). I think that in the heat of being so turned-on, there's no question of what to do; their bodies would know quite well what to do.

But they've still got issues. Kirk has a lot of angst, he's at a psychological low, needy even. But though we're left at the end with uncertainty about their future in the stars, there is certainty between them, of their future together.