Secret Admirer

Fanfiction
Title:	Secret Admirer
Author(s):	Ciana Sepulveda
Date(s):	December 1995
Length:	89 fanzine pages
Genre(s):	slash
Fandom(s):	Star Trek: TOS
Relationship(s):	Kirk/Spock
External Links:
Click here for related articles on Fanlore.

Secret Admirer is a K/S story by Ciana Sepulveda.

Anne Marie Smith for "Secret Admirer " -- "What a fascinating, gorgeous Spock. First, it's a unique setting, and very nicely done—the observation window and the globe of Earth that Spock is leaning on; and a good balance with empty space. His clothes are absolutely great—just the sort of thing such a Vulcan gentleman in the know would wear—everyday elegance, understated. That's our Mr. Spock. This is a very unusual Spock but it doesn't feel out of character to me. The relaxed stance is what's so unusual, and it's just beautiful- It makes me think he's been learning some new body language from spending time in bed with Kirk. I also like his slight paunch—maybe he's been learning about eating for pleasure too."

title page

It was published in the print zine First Time #43.

Summary

"Just as Kirk and Spock begin a love affair, Kirk begins receiving gifts from a secret admirer."

Reactions and Reviews

1996

A very engaging, well-thought out novella, rich in detail, concerning Admiral Kirk's encounter with a mysterious stalker. From the very beginning, suspense is built as the unknown gift giver appears with sinister, yet seemingly harmless intentions.

The author skillfully leads us through McCoy's thoughts of the serenity of life on 'Terra Firma" to the travails of life on a starship. A life of difficulty, but a life that he obviously misses. McCoy observations of Kirk are particularly wonderful: "But still, on clear nights, you couldn't help but notice Jim's eyes looking up wistfully at the stars."

Terrific start from McCoy's POV as he gives Kirk a physical. Kirk is forty-something (I like that) and it's his birthday, so McCoy takes him out to dinner. Some tasty, sly references such as the restaurant that they go to is named "The Barbary" and is old-fashioned and located in San Francisco (WS did a TV show called 'Barbary Coast set in 1800's in San Francisco.) Also to The Brothers Karamazov, a book that Kirk has read. Later in the story, the book Mr. Midshipman Hornblower is mentioned.

I loved the view of Kirk's apartment—beautifully translated from what we saw in the movies—shown from Spock's loving point of view. I adored Spock's thoughts on giving Kirk a present: "A reaffirmation of that life and its place in the universe."

Spock's loving gift of the antique sextant is perfectly juxtaposed with the sinister gift from the mystery person.

A small moment happens early on that really touched me. Kirk sees Spock looking at him and thinks how "Spock never looked at anyone that way except him and only when there was no one else around. Kirk had become quite possessive of that look, like a miser hoarding a treasure." And this beautiful line: "It was just Spock's face and there was no other like it in the universe."

So many wonderful details— such as at a restaurant with what Spock orders, the waiter wanting their autographs and blowing out the birthday candle. This scene is filled with beautiful feelings and insightful thoughts on their relationship. The scene has such a solid feel to it—precise, realistic, down-to- earth yet poetic and gorgeous. 'The Vulcan had secretly come to look forward to Jim touching him; a hand on his shoulder in a gesture of friendship, on an arm to emphasize a point in conversation, the chance brush of hands as they walked together."

I loved Spock saying that the piece of chocolate birthday cake "'is less detrimental to your system than champagne.'"

The story is filled with nice realistic detail like "S-mail" and com systems, meteorological service and "LiTari flowers".

Touching and poignant scenes abound in this story. Spock sits at his computer working on a very realistically detailed research project on seismic activity and daydreams about walking on a planet's shoreline with Kirk— "Jim at his side. The Vulcan mused how at the time he could not help but compare the color of the ocean with his friend's eyes."

Heart-stopping moments like Kirk feeling that his apartment is "warm and welcoming" when Spock is in it and cold without him. And Kirk standing by the window, talking about how he missed Spock and their friendship and then:" 'I love you.'"

And I can't resist quoting this: " 'Have you never looked into my eyes, Jim?' " and " 'Where did you learn to kiss like that?' 'I have had quite a bit of practice.' Hazel eyes narrowed slightly. 'Where?' Spock brushed two fingers lightly over Kirk's lips. 'In my dreams.'" Is that great, or what? And "'I will not leave, Jim. Even if you wished me to go, I could not."

The love-making was wonderful, but actually after the lengthy build-up, I could have done with a lot longer sex scene. There weren't any false notes, mind you, but way too short. Besides, what's with the cut-to-the-crashing-waves-on-the-rocks just when it's Spock's turn?

All through the story I enjoyed the "red herrings" and I eagerly participated in the "whodunit". However, and this is a big however, the resolution left me cold. Because I will not give anything away (I swear, I promise) I cannot go into the reasons in detail. So all I can explain is that the end felt rushed and thrown away.

But without hesitation, I highly recommend this terrific novella by Ms. Mitchell. This author/artist is a true double-threat. Her extraordinary talent shines in this wonderful story and in the gorgeous accompanying artwork.

Admiral Kirk being the famous person he is, it's inevitable he'd have problems with a stalker.... Of course I won't say who, but the secret admirer (at first just innocent messages, flowers) gets more and more crazed as only a person like that can, until becoming an outright threat, more and more intrusive into Kirk's life. And in the name of so-called love, yet.

The only writing problem I would define in this story (you know me, Ms. Evangelical Single POV Advocate) is jumping between both of their heads.

I loved the setting being San Francisco. And in order to cast light on likely suspects, we get introduced to interesting people in Kirk's life around Starfleet, etc.

I loved it when Kirk says, "All women are pretty, Bones." He would say that, wouldn't he? And he'd mean it too. What a lovely man.

And I loved "the Vulcan work ethic." Made me laugh.

The dynamics between Kirk and Spock are wonderful, subtle, really done nicely. These are not a Kirk and Spock who have the plain and simple hots for each other; it's deeper than that (not to say there's anything wrong with plain and simple hots). At the same time, how sad that habits of keeping their distance over long years have kept them from easily coming together. The feelings have long been there, but they have resisted acting on them for so long.

But Kirk vows to speak his feelings and he does, freeing Spock to do so also. A scene with such a gorgeous and quiet intimacy.... Beautiful, beautiful. These older characters, when written so well as Chris has here, seem to carry so much more power in them, that the first steps of their physical intimacy really have an even stronger impact. Breathless moments... Though perhaps the all-out sexual coming together happened too fast, for this very first time. But perhaps not....

I loved their making out in the back seat of a car later.

Then there is the whole thing of Kirk's not wanting to get Starfleet Security involved in his problem with this stalker. He is being so fucking stubborn, and taking risks, like he does, he was really pissing me off, not to mention pissing Spock off.

Even though Spock said he was furious, the end was so lightheaded. It was romantic, sweet, whereas it seemed the situation was serious enough to warrant some serious thinking by both of them. Kirk didn't seem to learn anything from this close call on his life; and would Spock really put up with someone who continues to be such a foolish risk-taker?

When I received my copy of this zine I flipped through the table of contents and saw Ms Mitchell's name. I then leaped in the air and capered around waving the zine about with glee. What induces such undignified behavior? This story is a good example of what I like best about the author's style.

Kirk has a secret admirer. The level of admiration and harassment escalates with Spock satisfyingly protective and concerned. Kirk's character was right on target. He is stubborn and brave refusing anyone's help. He is concerned about his image with Starfleet and also about his ability to protect himself. Kirk's increasing paranoia was very well done. Spock is also in character. Protective of Kirk's safety and ego.

I personally didn't care who the stalker was, although the mystery is revealed in the end, it was the relationship between K and S that kept me reading. Please Ms Mitchell, write some more very soon and spare the world some ugly capering displays.

I am absolutely in love with this author's Kirk and Spock. There are very few among us who can write our characters with this much depth, who can bring them so clearly and vividly to mind with just a spoken phrase or two. I never have to read a 'Kirk said" or a "Spock replied" to know which one is speaking. They are just so "there" in both speech and mannerisms.

Although this period of their lives, the long winter of their discontent between ST I and II is not my very favorite time in their lives, Ciana weaves such a magical, intriguing tale that I was immediately captured. The pace of this story is exactly right, the tension building from the very first moment Kirk receives a seemingly innocent bottle of champagne at a quiet dinner with McCoy and never lets up until the final scene. Intermixed are beautiful scenes of Spock and Kirk easing into a sexual relationship based upon years of friendship and the deep, sweet feelings each has for the other. Nothing is forced or out of character. These men have moved into a more mature phase of their lives where such a relationship is possible for them.

Ciana so masterfully laid down her trail of red herrings for the reader to follow that I enjoyed being led where she wanted me to go, and she did it so delicately and with such style that I hardly felt led at all.

I also like the use made of McCoy, especially the delicious scene between the doctor and Kirk that opens the story as the admiral undergoes his routine physical. The dialog sparkles with warmth as these two friends banter and tease each other. It sounds real. It feels real. As does the beautiful symbolism of the antique sextant Spock gives Kirk as a birthday present, and with the gift of his love provides the rudderless Kirk with a way to get back on course.

I remain in awe of this author's ability and eagerly look forward to her next story. Please. Ciana, don't ever stop writing K/S.

A chilly tale based on reality. The love felt by Kirk and Spock isn't, in my opinion, the main topic, but forms a background for the portrayal of a third party's gradual deranging obsessive love for Kirk that culminates in attempted murder. It gave me the creeps because it's all too realistic. I wondered how any public figure deals with the knowledge that such people exist. Disregard it?

I am a big fan of this authors and waited a long time for this story. I was not disappointed. It is well written, insightful and thoroughly enjoyable.

This is the story of an older Kirk and Spock set about a year after V'ger. The admiral is back at fleet headquarters and Spock is teaching at the academy. Kirk starts getting gifts and notes from a secret admirer. What appears completely innocent at first slowly escalates into something else as the gifts become more expensive and the notes take on a sinister tone. It soon becomes evident that the admiral is being stalked. This person knows everything he does— what he wears, who he sees, etc. When Kirk's apartment is broken into, Spock moves in. I'll leave the rest to your overactive imaginations.

I know some people found the ending a bit rushed and a little too pat, but personally I couldn't have cared less who the stalker turned out to be. The dynamics between Kirk and Spock immediately captured my interest and never let go. The slow buildup as their feelings for each other were painstakingly brought to light was in a word—wonderful. There was no jumping in the sack on page one. The dialogue is right on—I could actually hear them in my head. And the characterizations were perfect. Kirk was the Kirk I love—strong, take charge and determined to a fault. And Spock, well Spock was just perfect.

All in all, this story has the one element that I've always been a complete sucker for—lot's of love between Kirk and Spock. And this story delivers that in spades.

Bring on the next one, Cianna. And don't make me have to wait two years for it, please.

2000

This story is set in a time period I usually don't care for; Kirk is Earthside, an Admiral, and Spock is teaching at StarFleet Academy. But it works, here. At the beginning of the story the two are close friends but not lovers. Both desire the other but do not know their desire is reciprocated. At one point Spock gives Jim a birthday gift which touches him very deeply—it is an authentic antique sextant, still fully functional and in mint condition. Kirk demurs but is eventually convinced to accept it despite its cost. And he is delighted.

Kirk begins to receive a series of notes and gifts from an anonymous self proclaimed "secret admirer". The person claims to love him deeply and only to want his happiness—but even so, Kirk, and McCoy, both find it a little creepy. McCoy is more alarmed than Jim, because he is aware of the history of celebrities being stalked and injured by obsessed admirers. Jim just thinks it's silly, and more than a little embarrassing. And of course he's fixated on Spock and not in the least interested in anyone else.

As the story progresses the notes get more intimate and possessive in tone. Even Jim is a little alarmed now and Spock is more than a little annoyed, though of course he does not admit it. One evening they come back to Jim's place after taking a walk, to find that someone has been inside and has left flowers and a note. Spock reflects uneasily on the fact that unlike McCoy's apartment building, Jim's is relatively insecure. He tries to trace the note back through the email system but finds it was sent from an anonymous public com terminal somewhere nearby.

Jim ignores the flowers and spends the next several hours just talking with Spock, enjoying his company. A day or two later, he comes home from work one day to find a package outside his door. It contains a paper copy of "Mr. Midshipman Hornblower", and there is another email waiting for him to the effect that his admirer has discovered Kirk likes old books and Hornblower in particular. Kirk muses about this but realizes the person might have got it from any one of the interviews he's done since returning to Earth. In any case he already has a copy he treasures, because Spock gave it to him. He decides to donate this one to the library and goes over to look at his sextant and enjoy it all over again.

When he treats Spock to dinner a night or two later he tells him about this and they puzzle over it but get nowhere. Again they have a pleasant evening together, though after Spock leaves Kirk is mad at himself for not saying what he really wants to.

Finally, after they leave a party for a retiring Admiral one night, Spock and Kirk tell each other how they feel. It is late, and they are at Jim's apartment again. Kirk speaks first and then stops, nervous—and Spock comes up behind him and touches his lips to the back of Jim's head. He tells Jim that he too has felt this way, that he feels no shame but joy, that he is grateful that Jim spoke first and thereby gave him the courage to do likewise. They embrace, and begin to kiss and to explore one another. After some time spent learning and sharing their pleasure, they make love, and it is good, for both of them. They lie quietly for a while till desire returns, and again make love.

When they awake together the next morning both are struck by how right it seems to be doing so. Neither is embarrassed or awkward and I for one appreciate this; I find icky-cutesy morning-after scenes an enormous turn-off.

The story is a long one; there is much time of Jim and Spock's growing love and enjoyment of one another, and a slowly escalating series of notes and gifts from the mysterious admirer. More than once Jim's apartment is broken into. Finally the admirer actually calls one day, using a voice changer to disguise the voice. Demands Jim love them and not "that Vulcan". Wants to see him, but plays coy, will not commit to where or when.

Spock tries to analyze this the next day but can only determine it is a male voice. He warns Jim to be careful and hangs up. Another call comes in, the admirer again. Same sequence, cagey and sly.

Spock is very uneasy but Jim still refuses outside help. It is pride, he wants to solve this himself. But he nearly gets himself killed by doing so. He goes to meet this person, alone, and if Spock did not track him and show up, he would have died. Spock stuns the stalker and Security tows him away. It is some person that neither man has ever seen before, who has no criminal record, and is a coms expert. StarFleet Security reams Kirk but good and even Jim has to admit he deserved it. But as they walk away after being lectured, both know that it is Jim's nature, that it's just part of who and what he is. He enjoys Spock's description of how he intends to punish him—but both know he'll never change. It doesn't matter. They are together.

I hope I haven't made a dreadful hash of this. My brain's a bit fried. But it's a great story; there's also a scrumptious picture by Anne-Marie Smith of Spock in going out to dinner type clothes, lean and luscious, mm yes very nice. Haven't seen this artist before but mm, tasty indeed.

So. Read this. You'll be glad you did. Good stuff all round, despite this reviewer's theoretical shortcomings. Enjoy.

2003

This is a very enjoyable story about the relationship between Kirk and Spock, and how it develops and deepens once they express their love for each other. It’s set against the backdrop of a plot about an unwelcome anonymous secret admirer bothering Kirk, and time wise is about half way between TMP and STII.

The story opens with McCoy having to drag Kirk in for his physical, which is scheduled on his 44th birthday. Spock has just brought the Enterprise back from a 3 week training mission, and Kirk is very much looking forward to seeing him again. The story is told from Kirk‘s POV, and we follow Kirk for a few days as he visits with Spock, goes to work, talks with McCoy, etc. The look at Kirk’s daily routine is well written and interesting, and he thinks a lot about how much he enjoys being with Spock once again. There are some nice scenes between Kirk and Spock that are very intimate, and really show how close the two have grown. I like the scenes where they celebrate Kirk’s birthday, and Spock’s gift of a sextant for Kirk, especially this part:

But the human’s eyes were directed to the sextant on the bookcase, an expression of contentment on his face. “I still can’t believe it’s mine. Spock, you shouldn’t have gone to so much trouble.”

Spock rose, took the tray from his hands and set it down. “It was no trouble at all.”

“Still, it’s a lot of credits to spend.”

“I put no price on our friendship, Jim. You are worth a thousand times more to me than any gift I can give.”

“Spock”, Kirk whispered, deeply touched. Words, so many words flooded Kirk’s mind. He found he couldn’t wrap his tongue around the right ones.

Kirk’s realization of how much he missed the Vulcan and how much Spock means to him brings him to finally tell Spock how he really feels about him (after a few missed opportunities, and long meaningful looks exchanged with Spock). Kirk learns his feelings are reciprocated, and one of many beautifully written scenes is the love scene between Kirk and Spock that follows, which is romantic and erotic.

I don’t think the secret admirer plot is nearly as interesting as the development of the relationship between Kirk and Spock. In order to make this plot more interesting, I think the story would have had to be longer and the character of the secret admirer developed more. As it is, he’s merely an unknown admirer who stalks Kirk, and we know nothing of his reasons or motivations. Also, the end of this plot line seems rushed, and I can’t believe Kirk would act so foolishly as he did in the confrontation with his stalker.

Despite the increasing danger to Kirk from his deranged admirer, the story has a cozy feel to me, thanks to the warm and loving portrayal of Kirk and Spock’s relationship, which is the real strength of this story. Plus, Ciana had a way with words, and what might sound mundane from my description in this LOC is anything but in her talented hands.