Picard in the Garden

Star Trek TNG Fanfiction
Title:	Picard in the Garden
Author(s):	ASCEM Noone
Date(s):	12 Jan 1999
Length:
Genre:	slash, Star Trek TNG and The Bible crossover
Fandom:	Star Trek: The Next Generation
External Links:	part one; part two
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Picard in the Garden is a story which pairs Picard and Jesus. It is by ASCEM Noone.

Summary: Wesley gives Picard a trip back in time to Jerusalem. Picard meets Jesus and they have sex.

From the Author

This is what happened: I was reading my e-mail, and I came across a letter from Susanna Mandel, helping Greywolf with his misperceptions about who, exactly, Arachnethe2 proposed to slash.

In the body of the letter, just as I was thinking, 'That would be just like sex with Jesus,' Susanna wrote this: "...Whoa, it just hit me that a sex-with-Sarek [by which I assume she meant 'SURAK'] story would be kind of like the Vulcan equivalent to a sex-with-Jesus story! <steam from the explosion drifts out ears>"

Then the dear sweetheart wrote, "Uh...*there's* a new holiday tradition for you, guys. Anybody?..."

Um, yes, Susanna, that'd be me. :-) This story occurred to me as I was sitting in front of my pc thinking 'Fuck me running, which one of my s/heros do I pair with Jesus of all people, and what would Jesus be like in the sack anyway? And do I pair the Jesus Christians believe in, or the Jesus *I* believe in, and will strangers track me down and burn my house down with me in it if I do this?

Questions galore, but meanwhile no writing was getting done, and this idea was too good to waste. But then I thought,'Why stop with Jesus?' So I present this modest offering with a challenge: Write your favorite character having sex with your favorite deity. Make up a deity if you can't think of one that strikes your fancy or use one of the God-knows-how-many we already have. Write Spock/Baldur, Uhura/Saraswati, Janeway/Kali, Seven/Artemis, Kirk/Hercules, Worf/Khaless, Weyoun/Odo (oops, already been done), or anyone/anyone who strikes your fancy. The possibilities are endless. But enough talk. Here's my Picard/Jesus PWP. Syrupy, and I am *way* making things up as I go along, and Paramount probably does own all. If reading about Jesus having sex offends you, go no further.

Excerpts

The bible, as it turned out, had been incorrect. Along with the 11 apostles there were at least several hundred other people milling around near the garden of Gethsemane. Picard slipped among them easily, but Jesus had already gone through the gate in the low wall that separated the edge of town from the fields and olive groves. If Jean-Luc was going to catch a glimpse of the messiah he would have to wait back here with the crowd of frightened, angry, sweaty, hungry people who were also waiting for him.

He almost didn't want to bother, but he'd been looking for Jesus all day, pulled this way and that by the riotous exuberance of an oppressed people who believed their liberation was at hand.

Jesus frowned. "I mean it's my last night on earth. Friends I've known all my life are afraid to come out and keep me company. I'm going to die horribly, rise from the dead, and apparently be fought over for more centuries than it could possibly be worth. Would you want to believe in any of that? Or even think about it for longer than you had to?"

Jean-Luc was again overcome by disbelief. He knew he was Captain of the Enterprise. In a few hours he was going back to his ship where there were rational explanations for miracles; logical solutions to problems. "Must it be this way?"

"I can't let that matter. I've been reminding myself all night that this is not about what happens to my body." He smiled at Jean-Luc's

pained expression. "This is about showing people how easy it can be to transcend the need for redemption. Please tell me you can see that."

"But Jesus, why this? Why you?" Picard had been in the presence of greatness before, and he recognized it when he saw it. He'd also been called upon to save humanity on occasion, and he knew all about sacrificing the things one held dear, but this was excessive by any standard.

Jesus' smile was understanding. "I know how this must look from your perspective."

"I find the whole thing quite horrifying." Jean-Luc admitted. He pulled Jesus' head back onto his shoulder. 'The lord and savior Jesus Christ,' he thought with heaviest irony. 'You poor man.'

Jean-Luc deliberately tried to think serene and happy thoughts, knowing Jesus would sense them. He felt very solicitous of Jesus' feelings, and he wished he could offer a more concrete expression of his concern and affection. Almost absently he pressed his lips against Jesus' forehead, enjoying the silky skin against his mouth and breathing in the sweet smell of his rough-textured hair.

Jean-Luc shifted his grip so he could look into Jesus' face. The messiah was fairly dark compared to most of the other people he'd seen today. He had Afro-Semitic features that reminded Jean-Luc of Tashfamichael, the physicist from Eritrea who'd recently come on board. Fiercely proud of his heritage, he very politely but firmly corrected his Captain when Jean-Luc made the mistake of assuming he was Ethiopian. Like Tashfamichael, Jesus was tall and mahogany, with wiry muscles and large, dark eyes. From the way his body moved beneath his robes, he was probably very well-built. He was, Picard realized with remote surprise, an astonishingly handsome man.

Jean-Luc found himself enjoying that sensual charge that always precedes serious arousal. He tried to damp it down. This was Jesus, after all.

"I don't mind." Jesus gave him that crinkly, happy smile that Jean-Luc would have followed anywhere. "In fact, I think I'd like it."

'My word,' Picard thought. 'I am making love to a God.' It was actually a little disappointing. No doves, no flashes of light, no sublime moments--at least, none more sublime than usual.

"Stop it." Jesus broke off the kiss to stare at him somberly. "Please don't make me do tricks for you. Let's just be two men alone together in a garden."

"Of course." By this time Jean-Luc was willing to do anything Jesus asked. His rational mind was accusing him of rank insanity, but he'd promised his heart he'd be true to the moment, and it was a vow he intended to keep.

He stood up shakily, laid his cloak on the ground, then slipped out of his robe and ceremoniously shook it out on top of the heavier garment.

Jesus accepted the gesture with a nod that could only be called regal. He slipped out of his own robes and laid them over Jean-Luc's.

The moon was setting, but there was enough light for Picard to see that he'd been right about his estimation of Jesus' beauty. The man was a god. Jean-Luc smiled to himself. Of course.

He knelt down on the layers of fabric. The ground hurt his seventy-something knees, but he ignored it, focusing instead on the beautiful erect penis in front of him. Perfect, like everything else there was to Jesus, and standing straight out from his body.

'Oh, yes,' Picard thought, 'Oh yes.' The air was chill against his skin, but he was warm, so warm, and the moment was all.

Fan Comments

[John Marks]: that was pretty offencive.

[Greywolf]: Ye've the right to yer opinion, laddie, it's a big old Trekiverse. But me, I thought it was bloody marvelous.

[Janie]: I for one found this extremely touching, despite the controversial nature. It was a damn fine piece of writing too. Thankyou

[helmboy]: You will always offend someone. That's the way it is. I personally hate the way religion has changed this man into a eunoch. Personally, he had passion and I *hope* he shared it with someone. To say otherwise is probably wishful thinking on a alot of woman-hating early clerics.

[Julie]: Wooo, this is the most original story I've ever seen. Great job!

[Ruth Gifford]: So, how do we all feel about slash and religion? Is this a big taboo, a kink, or something that doesn't matter one way or another?

[Scarlet]: Speaking only for myself, I say, slash away. If people are sensitive about the subject, the NR code could be used, like Ascem Noone did in the brave, bold, beautiful "Picard in the garden". - Scarlet, born-again K/S fundamentalist (seriously considering sending The Boys on a mission to Mount Olympus)

[T'Pat]: well, it gave me a touch of disquiet. I am a Roman Catholic in more sense than one, and it does feel odd to imagine Christ having sex. Don't misunderstand me, not for the sex in itself. [With Picard?! <deep Vulcan frown here>] It felt like watching *your parents* in their most intimate moments. ;-) Anyway, even that part was just about right in intensity.

There were some glitches that SAMK already talked about, but no, it was not offensive to me, either. I could appreciate the sense of loneliness, and the need to be human, even the need to forget what lies ahead. However, Christ reminded me a lot of Q. Don't ask why, I hardly ever read P/Q, so I would exclude that being the reason... maybe Jesus' using the word 'tricks'?

I think this was a good experiment, one which worked out, though with unconclusive results in my particular case. And I would not discourage experimentation if my life depended on it. - T'Pat--muttering 'interesting'...

[Judith Gran]: If slash is supposed to be off-limits in Christianity, then when do you think Jesus and that guy were doing at the Last Supper? The one the Gospel of John refers to as "the disciple Jesus loved"? (John 13:23-25) The one who leaned back against his chest while Jesus whispered in his ear? The one who showed up again at the foot of the cross and "adopted" Mary as his mother? Well???

Apparently, "the discipline Jesus loved" was not one of the Twelve Apostles. So what was he doing, going everywhere with Jesus and lying against his chest at the Passover seder? (Although most artistic representations show them sitting at the table, in fact they were probably reclining.) Thanks to Brother Martin Smith, SSJE, Superior of the Society of St. John the Evangelist, for pointing this out to me.

I enjoyed "Picard in the Garden" and certainly didn't find it offensive. I think the idea of Jesus's welcoming physical love and comfort and pleasure on the night of his betrayal is perfectly acceptable. I did think that Jesus's ironic, self-deprecating attitude toward his mission needed more of an "edge" in this story. After all, the author was working against 2,000 years of tradition.

[Ros]: As a formerly practising Catholic, who still retains certain beliefs, I have to disagree with you. To me, the coming ordeal of Jesus came over as absolutely real, and I found Picard's intervention all the more moving for that. The story recounted a hiatus, a pause to reflect, amid the agony and the anticipation of what was to come; and it filled in the gap mighty well, IMO.

It didn't reflect my beliefs in any way, I should add. I have absolutely no problem with the notion that Jesus had a sex life - I'm sure he did, and its only orthodox to believe that he was a normal human being in every way - but I don't happen to believe that he was gay or bi. Despite this, I found the story moving and sufficiently serious in its treatment of what must have been an extremely traumatic and emotional night.

[...]

Absolutely. Picard _would_ do this. That's what came over to me most strongly - it was entirely in character. One could hear Jean-Luc speaking, and see him acting. He would do this, if it was required of him. That's all.

[...]

I thought it was extremely emotional. It actually made me cry, with sorrow for the forgotten implications of Christ's human incarnation, and with pity for him, as a man, faced with the dreadful fate he knew he had to suffer.