Or Was It I?

Fanfiction
Title:	Or Was It I?
Author(s):	Martha Selena Brown
Date(s):	1989
Length:
Genre(s):	slash
Fandom(s):	Star Trek: TOS
Relationship(s):	Kirk/Spock
External Links:
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Or Was It I? is a K/S story by Martha Selena Brown.

It was published in Charisma #7.

Summary

"A refreshingly new look at the K/S relationship and its ups and downs, as Kirk and Spock meet, learn of love, and survive the Gol break-up as the story takes us from the series through the end of ST:TMP."

Reactions and Reviews

1990

My normal reaction to stories that cover a great deal of time in the lives of Kirk and Spock is that the author tried to cover too much ground in too few pages. I had a much more positive reaction to this story, however, which I tribute to the author's fresh story-telling style and plotting which was consistent without being monotonous. Also — and this I particularly admire — this story built to an actual climax (not sexual) and resolved its conflict nicely (if a bit too conveniently) at the end. I don't recall any other 'through the years' type story that had a specific conflict in which to build the plot around, and that is what made "Or Was It I?" stand out. Despite the quick pace, there were plenty of profound moments. I loved the little detail about how their arguments usually revolved around the thermostat — though each of them was usually mad about something else other than that. (And this was an idea that I would have liked to seen expanded upon. Maybe in another story?) Another favorite part was Spock mentally showing Kirk why he couldn't re-bond them. Quite poignant. As with most of this author's stories, I was again impressed by the way she ends most scenes with a brief sentence that packs a lot of punch. That always sends me into the next scene anxious for more. Finally, I thought the title unusually appropriate and significant.

I really liked this story. It was a bittersweet journey through the years of Kirk and Spock, full of life, love, bitterness, loss and, finally, rediscovery and hope. The way the author tied her story into the mainstream Star Trek chronology was quite clever. Kirk's realization that he had crippled Spock for life was told in a very effective scene. I thought the ending fit perfectly — another chance for them to be together— maybe even bonded again. Excellent story.

1997

Fluent storytelling of their years together and apart with an occasional elaboration of their lives together and what made them part without losing the thread. The thread braided together without a strand going astray.

Though I had my doubts of a couple of points, it didn’t interfere with my appreciation of the story. It was only when I had finished reading it that I had doubts again. They have nothing to do any discrepancies, it’s just a difference of opinion.

I have my doubts whether the dissolution of the bond would cripple Spock’s bonding ability and whether Kirk and Spock would make love immediately after V’ger as if those years of hurt and loneliness didn’t exist.

1999

I first read this story some years ago, and it has stayed with me ever since. In less than 24 pages, the author gives us Kirk’s view of the Kirk/Spock relationship from the time Kirk first takes command of the Enterprise to the restoration of Spock’s katra in STIII:TSFS. It’s hard to cover that much ground in such a small amount of space, but “Or Was It I?” does it quite gracefully. When summaries are used they are very brief and function not as a way of filling us on details with which we are already familiar, but as a device for cutting right to the emotional core of the latest phase of Kirk’s life. The pivotal scenes in the Kirk/Spock relationship are developed more fully, with dialog (and action!) between our heroes. The overall result is a more or less continuous account of the evolution of the relationship as Kirk perceives it.

There are some wonderful moments in this story. Here’s one of my favorite scenes, set not long after Kirk and Spock have become bondmates:

"Doctor McCoy bounced out of the turbolift while Kirk was checking reports. “Jim, have you seen Spock? I need his...”. There was a sudden silence on the bridge. Kirk blinked and took his mind off the fuel consumption curve, to discover that his right arm had moved independently of his thoughts. His index finger was pointing behind him and down to an empty space on the deck. McCoy wasn’t the only one staring.

Kirk gave a slight laugh and took a quick guess at where his hand was pointing. “Biology labs, Bones. That way, as the crow flies.”

“Thanks,” said McCoy slowly. “Believe I’ll take the lift; the air gets thin between here and the lower hull.” He gave the captain a curious/suspicious glance and left the bridge."

There are also dark moments in “Or Was It I?”. The author’s vision of what Spock’s journey to Gol means to the K/S relationship is particularly disturbing. But there is a lot of happiness as well, and in the final pages, when Spock’s katra is returned to his body, Kirk has even more reason to rejoice than he does in most versions of this part of their lives.

2003

In a fairly short story, this author manages to cover an entire Starfleet career pretty successfully. She touches on Kirk's arrival on the Enterprise, his impressions of Spock, and the time during the 5 year mission when they finally understood what they felt for each other. She tells of the wonder of their link. Then that inevitable breakup that led to Gol is explored, its bitterness exposed. That bitterness can barely compare, however, to what Kirk experiences when he realizes Spock is truly gone and he is alone in a way he could never have imagined. Jump to V'Ger and Spock's return, a beautiful and loving reunion touched with sadness for all that has been lost (you must read to know just how much—I won't tell). The remainder of their saga together is only briefly told, but all in all this manages to tell their story in a condensed but satisfying way.