My Boundaries, Let Me Show You Them

Meta
Title:	My Boundaries, Let Me Show You Them
Creator:	Merlin Missy
Date(s):	September 13, 2013
Medium:
Fandom:	multifandom
Topic:
External Links:	My Boundaries, Let Me Show You Them
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My Boundaries, Let Me Show You Them is a 2013 essay by Merlin Missy.

Series

This essay is part of a series called Dr. Merlin's Soapbox.

Some Topics Discussed

• people ignoring fannish and personal boundaries
• some people want to be left alone as they post and comment on the internet
• some places on the internet are private spaces
• some topics discussed:
  • personal space
  • conversational topics
  • personal care (some fans don't shower enough, wear too much perfume)
  • one's own over-indulgence in only wanting to talk about things that matter to them, not listening to other people
• don't be fake
• be smart
• "don't assume the person on the other end of the Ethernet cable is your soulmate"
• don't call people on the phone without permission
• "Fandom is all about meeting wacky people just like you. There are a lot more than you think." And, "The short form of all the above: don't be weird."
• weary of the predictability, of being on the internet, and in fandom too long, too many inappropriate people are out there

From the Essay

Many young fanthings, flushed in the joy of newly-discovered kith and kin, run roughshod over boundary issues, and while some of that may be intentional, Doctor Merlin will graciously assume many cases occur because the young fanthing in question simply does not know any better.

Fans come in many shapes and sizes and shades and backgrounds and abilities and toleration levels for their fellow humans. Many fans have had bad experiences with boundaries in the past, so much so that they retreated to this lovely online haven where the could squee to their hearts' content on topics near and dear while keeping other people, well-meaning or not, Very Far Away. For all that fandom has brought us all together, some of us are in fact happier with everyone else a comfortable arms-length away, and the Internet is the perfect sphere for this exact level of interaction. Even our online identities bespeak of this separation: how many people do you know who regularly spend time in fannish spaces using their real names?

Now, when a fanthing comes into our space and wants to get too close, this can have the effect of annoying those of us who are antisocial as a habit, and it can actively cause fight-or-flight responses in those of us who have had bad experiences.

What can you do? What if you've met someone, in real life or online, and s/he seems like the coolest person you've ever known? What if you do think this is a friendship meant for the ages, that you will play Ben Affleck to her Matt Damon, play Hugh Laurie to her Stephen Fry. (And slash them as you will. Come on. You know you want to.) What then?

Be yourself . No, seriously. It sounds stupid and trite, and it is because it's always the right thing to do.