Lost in the Mirror

K/S Fanfiction
Title:	Lost in the Mirror
Author(s):	Sharon Pillsbury
Date(s):	1990
Length:
Genre:	slash
Fandom:	Star Trek: The Original Series
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Lost in the Mirror is a Kirk/Spock story by Sharon Pillsbury.

It was published in the print zine Otherwhere/Otherwhen #1.

Summary

"M/U: Events from Kirkʼs past stand in the way of Spockʼs desire to take him as his bondmate."

Reactions and Reviews

This is sort of a "mirror universe" version of LONG, WINDING ROAD by the same author. Instead of the complication of Finnegan, we have Spock's Pon Farr on a traumatized Kirk. The ending makes it clear that Kirk will need a long course of healing, rather than one sex scene with Mr. Right, and is stunningly realistic.

This is a great Mirror story, with sexy and powerful characters each wrestling with their own demons yet striving to find the small light of friendship to share with each other in this savage universe.

Indeed, the story opens with a wrestling scene, showing the dynamics going on between them: challenge, power, possession. In their struggle, both get erections, and Spock kisses Kirk, and they both come. Gorgeous hot scene. Spock has long desired Kirk; but Kirk insists it didn't mean anything. He'd grown to trust Spock and is now angry, and also angry with himself. And he never, ever has admitted to wanting a man. The story proceeds to slowly unveil the problems that keep them apart, and the small inroads toward each other they make in spite of the problems. Lots of really great scenes; and I didn't mind at all that there was no Empire business going on, just Kirk and Spock on the ship and what goes on between them. Kirk gets a terrible migraine headache, takes pills and drinks, and gets sick. We learn later what this is all about, his resistance to the feelings he does have for Spock. And just to force the issue, Spock goes into pon farr. A certain Vulcan drug suppresses the fever but only temporarily. McCoy's part is good--not in the way of telling them that they love each other, but in his being forced by the circumstances into telling each man about the other's problems. Kirk needs to understand about pon farr so he knows what Spock's going through; and Spock learns from McCoy of Kirk's gang-rape and about earlier sexual and psychological abuse in his youth. With Spock saying he will transfer, Kirk's panic shows him how strong his feelings are. But only as time passes and Kirk believes Spock has no sexual desire for him at all--poses no threat to his defenses in other words--does he relax. There's a great scene of Kirk masturbating, allowing himself to fantasize about Spock (but not penetration), and Spock ends up watching, not able to stop himself, the drug becoming ineffective again against his fever. The best part is when the fever can't be suppressed any longer, and Spock is in full-on pon farr. Kirk wants so badly to save his life, but he just can't, he can't. It's so touching and devastating, when he begs McCoy for tranquilizers, so he can let Spock fuck him. Spock is mad with fever, naked in bed. Kirk's all tranqued up, strips...but he just can't do it, has so many fears that run too deep. So the only way this is going to happen is, he frees Spock from the restraints, and lets Spock overpower him. After the three days of being ravaged (and a bond developing) Kirk has retreated mentally. But Spock learns of Kirk's aunt's lover who had abused him. Spock brings him to Vulcan, to an isolated retreat. Lots of difficulties between them, along with Kirk's coming to terms with his suppressed memories; and again, the natural easing of the tensions simply by time passing. A beautiful and hot sex scene, finally, with uneasy dynamics turning into the most loving and pleasurable sex Kirk had ever had.

I can't quite figure out the end, though. I suppose this is not a happy ending (though I kept looking for a happy ending in what was said). You might say this is a very moody Kirk--very on-again/off-again throughout the story; he is in a serious battle with his fears. He admits he loves Spock, but he doesn't want the bond, nor does he want to submit to pon farr "rape" again...but he does badly want to start out as friends again and let it develop from there.