Losing Myself in You

Fanfiction
Title:	Losing Myself in You
Author(s):	Francesca Vitale
Date(s):	2000
Length:
Genre(s):	slash
Fandom(s):	Star Trek: TOS
Relationship(s):	Kirk/Spock
External Links:	Losing Myself in You and on AO3
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Losing Myself in You is a Kirk/Spock story by Francesca Vitale.

It was published as part of the first Kirk/Spock Online Festival (KSOF) in 2000, and subsequently in the Festival zine, a selection of the best stories from KSOF 2000 with additional artwork.

Summary

"After a kiss, fear causes Kirk to withdraw from Spock, fear that must be confronted when Spock returns from Gol and the two men fight to rebuild a relationship."

Reactions and Reviews

I love this story. It's set immediately after V'ger, but has flashbacks to the very end of the 5 year mission, to Rayna and to Spock's departure for Gol. I love the whole concept of Sarek as a matchmaker for Kirk and Spock (!), and his definition of love as "exception making". These scenes between Kirk and Sarek are just wonderful. They are crucial to the story, but only comprise a few paragraphs. There's some beautiful writing in this story, which is about Kirk's attempts to come to terms with his attraction to Spock. The way the author wrote the whole first kiss scene and its aftermath is just exquisite. Through separation, pain, and loss, and a visit to Vulcan with Spock, Kirk comes to understand why he is so terrified of a relationship with Spock, of losing himself in Spock, and the answer is buried deeply in his past. There's no explicit sex at all, but it's not necessary in this kind of story, which beautifully depicts the intense love Kirk and Spock have for each other.

How do I begin? I liked this story very much? I loved this story? All of that is true, but there are such a myriad of reasons to enjoy a story. For this one, besides the fact it is extremely well written and pleasurable to read, it is the believability. There are endless theories about Kirk’s and Spock’s first time, and endless discussion and speculation on when they discovered they were in love. The timing here is not new – following the V-ger crisis – but it is refreshingly and convincingly different.

The premise of Sarek as matchmaker was part of the Festival challenge and this author has made the best of it. I love the way it begins in Spock’s parents garden and then takes us back through Kirk’s memories to the most revealing and most traumatic times in his life. Without trying too hard, it explains Spock’s attempt to achieve the Kohlinar. At the same time it deftly examines the personal hell that Kirk has endured without Spock at his side. The event that shaped the next three years of their lives occurred after their encounter with Flint and Rayna, and it is a beautiful though poignant extension of that episode.

When Spock and Kirk eventually overcome their personal demons long enough to discuss all that has happened and not happened during their separation, the conversation is rational, intelligent and overflowing with fears and emotions too extreme to describe. “Losing Myself in You” is first-rate.