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descartes
| Fanfiction | |
|---|---|
| Title: | "descartes" |
| Author(s): | deadchannelradio |
| Date(s): | 2024-08-11 |
| Length: | 4,953 words |
| Genre(s): | Humor |
| Fandom(s): | Batman: Under the Red Hood |
| Relationship(s): | Dick Grayson & Jason Todd Jason Todd/Rose Wilson (minor) |
| External Links: | https://archiveofourown.org/works/58104775?show_comments=trueWBM |
Click here for related articles on Fanlore. | |
This article or section needs expansion. |
"descartes" is a humorous short story written by deadchannelradio.
Blurb
“It’s fine, Jason,” Dick says. “Chill out. I’m a grown adult, it’s not like Slade’s bothering a teenager anymore. It’s enrichment for me. I get a little shot of adrenaline and a bug treasure hunt. Sometimes he even makes me coffee.”
“And you drink it?”
“Well, yeah. It’s my fucking coffee, I’m not going to waste it.”
“I’m going to kill him,” Jason decides aloud. “Next time I see that man, I’m gonna kill him.”
“No, Jason, do not,” Dick says in the same tone Jason uses to tell his dog not to chew on his boots.
Characters
- Jason Todd (protagonist)
- Dick Grayson
- Princess Monster Truck—an original character, Jason's nervous little lap dog; the writer describes: "PMT is a small and weird orange dog with a weird little hambody and really long freak toes and weird grinch feet."
- Jason's neighbors (original characters)
- Bruce Wayne
Minor appearances and cameos
- Slade Wilson, also known as Deathstroke the Terminator (brief, non-speaking role)
- Rose Wilson
- Joseph Wilson
- police officers investigating the murder that Jason committed
Background
The writer was inspired by the memes about the performance of Turkish sport shooter Yusuf Dikeç in the 2024 Summer Olympic Games.
The title refers to the quote "Who gives a shit?" humorously misattributed to philosopher René Descartes; the quote describes the nonchalant attitudes of Jason, Jason's neighbors, and Slade's children.
Comments
no please i’m in TEARS. this is the ideal dynamic. SLADE HASN’T MENACED ME SINCE I WAS FIFTEEN AND KORY TOLD HIM TO KILL HIMSELF. rose responding to jason’s affirmative to fucking with YES. joey offering to pay bail. jason with a little shivering pissdog named princess monster truck who wears a hot pink vest with spikes. dying by weird man sexmurder is somehow less painful than renting a U-Haul. god i need this fic injected into my veins. i need dc comics to let you take over everything.
UPDAYE JUST SSW THE WHO GIVE A SHIT MEME EMBEDDED AG THE END AND IM IJN GENUINE ACTUAL TEARS. OH MY GOD. THE JASON TODD EVER
“Did Slade Wilson at any point,” Bruce pauses for a moment, clearly attempting to find words that aren’t ‘perv on you in the shower.’ “Enter private areas of your home without your knowledge or consent.”[1]
love this dynamic for jason & dick. neither of them is the nice normal one, that's a false dichotomy and more people should say it!![2]
my wife and i were enjoying a nice nostalgic night with some old episodes of teen titans 2003 and absolutely lost it at the slade-kidnaps-robin-into-apprenticeship two-parter because of this fic. like we were sitting there lapping up this incredibly insane piece of television that they aired for children in the year 2003 while also quoting this fic basically line for line. slade (on hbo max) (dark and smoky): i think we're very alike, robin. us, on the couch, shrill: HIS BUDDY IN CRIME???
kory DID tell slade to kill himself, we saw it live on hbo. thank you for this fic that very instantaneously become a core part of our household idiolect!! we love it and have sent it to everyone we know!![3]
- Ohhh man funnily enough that show was my intro into DC as a kid! It was also my introduction to the feeling of “i need to commit grave violence onto this person”, a feeling about slade that has persisted to this day. I’m glad you enjoyed!!![4]
there's this growing trend in fandom to combat the "perfect batfam where there's no tension" trope with jason being perpetually locked out of the rest of the dynamic (when either take feels a little reductive to me at times!) and then you!! you!!!! come out here and perfectly capture the weirdness of their relationship with one (1) line. dick so would wake up one day and just decide he's going to be involved in jason's life, even if it IS a mortifying ordeal for a little while. also love the siblingism of dick spraying chemical in the background and scrubbing. very good very fun definitely not making me die because i also doublebook my sibling bonding time with cleaning my place.[5]
this is so funny oh my god
Shoutout to the EXTREMELY awkward Bruce and Dick convo, I imagine it lasts either another two hours or Dick hangs up in another forty-two seconds and makes Bruce figure out which friend’s he’s crashing at[6]
- Oh 100% dick hangs up within 3 seconds of jason hanging up. Hes gone he’s out of there he’s not staying on the line with a bruce he just confronted about being abusive. It’s not that hes Scared of him or anything (small pause to let the audience know he’s lying to himself) but he has zero desire to manage bruce’s feelings in this moment while also managing his own guilt about someone dying because of him and knows that bruce also would like to pretend that those repeated incidents never happened. Dick is also not capable of acknowledging that that was abuse and does not want to hear bruce apologize because if bruce apologizes it will mean bruce actually did something wrong and it’s important to Dick that actually his childhood was super fine and normal and its not like bruce is his dad for real they’re partners and therefore bruce cannot have abused him ☝️ he’s very normal and bruce’s behavior has had no effect or consequences on him and his personality whatsoever. Good news is that bruce is incapable of apologizing for that because he knows that if he apologizes Dick will immediately forgive him (in an effort to make it all have not happened ever at all, not that bruce has picked up on this portion of dick’s psyche) and bruce doesn’t feel like he deserves to be forgiven for it & wants to feel that guilt forever and besides an apology is a promise that the incident wont happen again and he can’t guarantee to himself that it wont. So nothing ever changes and they never speak of it again 👍 Sorry this is all information you DID NOT ASK FOR. SORRY. unfortunately this concept is part of the thesis behind a project i have been working on for (said in a slightly deranged voice) two years now. you walked into a trap. I’m glad you enjoyed this fic and thank you for commenting!![7]
References
- ^ https://archiveofourown.org/comments/806561113
- ^ https://archiveofourown.org/comments/807231127
- ^ https://archiveofourown.org/comments/822018232
- ^ https://archiveofourown.org/comments/822085747
- ^ https://archiveofourown.org/comments/806848201
- ^ https://archiveofourown.org/comments/806119363
- ^ https://archiveofourown.org/comments/806139376