Confessions of a Bully

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Title: Confessions of a Bully (title on the essay itself)
Creator: hereiam
Date(s): September 26, 2013
Medium: Tumblr
Fandom: OUAT and SwanQueen
Topic: Bullying
External Links: https://myhereiam.tumblr.com/post/62345795229/confessions-of-a-bully
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Confessions of a Bully is a meta essay posted to Tumblr in 2013. It gives an of bullying that occurred in the OUAT fandom, particular in regards to shipwars (including Captain Swan vs. Swan Queen but also other ships) and within the SwanQueen ship subfandom. The essay also conveys and apology for the writer's former behavior, an explanation of why they decided to post this, and a warning to watch out for similar behavior in other ships and fandoms.

Contents

  • apology
  • clarification that they are not speaking for all SwanQueen fans, just a particular group of fans that coordinated bullying on tumblr
  • explanation of how OP got involved in the bullying ring
  • what specific actions they took mostly how they targeted their anon hate, how they coordinated when/which people to go after, the goals of send anon hate
  • [side note for my Tumblr polling page -- these polls must have been held off tumblr, but they had importance and affected fandom activity -- in this case, coordinated bullying -- on Tumblr.
  • How OP left tumblr in response to bullying by fellow members of the group
  • How OP came back to Tumblr to post this essay and warn of the bullying in response to a specific fandom poll (Zimbio?)

Response

  • Agreeing with the essay's analysis of anon hate, and sharing personal experience with it: thatshardlysubtext
  • Sharing personal experiences with bullying (online and offline): betsypaige22

Two people here: https://thestraggletag.tumblr.com/post/62550392929/confessions-of-a-bully

  • Well, this is sad on a whole new level. Sometimes I forget that the SQers have it harder than anyone else because they are prisoners of their own sub-fandom.

    thestraggletag

  • and a longer response by forgotmysafeword that I should summarize/make selected quotes from: (Thanking OP for the apology; defending the SQ fandom on the whole based on their positive experiences with in it; condemning the bullies and in particular pointing out that the bullying makes a worse experience for everyone and tarnishes the whole SQ shipping group because people will associate the bad behavior with SQ shippers in general)
This behavior, this bullying, comes with consequences, many many consequences. This behavior affects how people view the ENTIRE SQ fandom. This behavior has colored how we are viewed as a whole and that is totally unfair to the rest of us.

Any progress that may have been made on any front with regards to SQ has been lost. It’s no wonder that people associated with the show are rather unwelcoming. I’m not quite sure how these perpetrators can’t see that.

Bullying of any kind is not cool. It’s a lazy tactic for small minded people. Cowards. It takes far too much energy to be that bitchy all the time.

If you want respect, you have to give it. If you want tolerance, you have to give it. If you want acceptance, you have to give it. It’s not that difficult to treat people as you’d like to be treated.

forgotmysafeword

We are way, way past due for a discussion in this and other fandoms about how slash ‘shipping =/= ACTIVISM. [...]

Oh, and I think this is the point where I’m supposed to add the caveat But the majority of the SQ fandom really is nice!

I won’t. The majority needs to be a little less silent if they don’t want to be associated with bullshit like this. So call out these assholes, SQ fandom, because only alternative is to start every conversation with “I’m Swan Queen — no, no, not that kind of Swan Queen.” And that? Sucks.

audreyii-fic

I don’t expect this to ever shock the SQ world as Eddie’s “we write them as strong women” did, but I appreciate it all the same. I admit that, not having suffered from anon hate and such, all I can think is how scared this makes me about obsessing over a show.

I think this past two months and past week, horrible as it was, kinda mollified me on that respect, as it does the fact that for me it’s not just about OUAT or Rumbelle but about the amazing group of friends I’ve made, and how I enjoy knowing about their lives, planning awesome trips with them and generally goofing off after a hard day.

thestraggletag

    • and a followup by woodelf68 emphasizing staying in touch with(/continuing to follow on tumblr) other fans because you like them, even as you drift to different fandoms.
I think you’re really brave writing this and telling us this. You’ve done the right thing. Nobody deserves hate, not CS not SQ not anybody. Not even you, although I suspect you’re getting some. But you exposed them, and helped us fight this horrible thing about to happen in our fandom.

I thank you for being so brave.

Let’s just all ship happily together, okay?

mommabearclarke

  • atippleofyourtears: comparing experience of OUAT fandom to other fandoms she's participated in online; suggesting the bullies seek therapy
And I normally wouldn’t dip this deep into suggesting things for people’s personal lives, but when you’re sending messages essentially saying “If my writing was as bad as yours, I’d kill myself” that’s…I’m sorry, but that’s essentially goading people into suicide over a ship. There’s a level of sickness there that’s most likely independent of fandom and I don’t feel it’s entirely wrong to urge you to see it as more than just bad fandom behavior in case it’s something you need to take care of for yourself. .

Please don’t take this as meant to be harsh, this is actually out of genuine concern. Whatever way feels right for you to do it, just…please take care of yourself.

atippleofyourtears

  • katiecassidy: "I don’t really know why people are calling this brave tbh? Sure, it’s great that you’ve realised your faults and aren’t doing that anymore, but really that’s just common sense and human decency so it’s not really right to praise anyone for this.[...]"
    • more to summarize here, and from hurricanejanes seconding the pushback
  • arinekochan: no personal experience with the bullying, but thanks on behalf of friends who were bullied. And response on the 'was this brave' discussion
can understand how some are saying this wasn’t exactly brave, but then I thought of it from my point of view. Basically you’re telling on the people you thought to be your friends. If I was in a situation like that, I know it would be hard for me to do that, even if I knew what my friends were doing was wrong.

So, if it matters at all… As a Rumbelle, Swan Thief, Captain Swan, and Swan Queen shipper, I think you’re pretty brave. You learned from your mistakes and owned up to them, and that’s what matters.

arinekochan

You are proof that people can change in all fandoms and ships. It’s nice to know and I’m reassured that people can change, thank you so much for confessing, that was a very brave thing for you to do. You have my full respect and I’m absolutely sure you have many others :)

misstopsyturvy

I realize you are asking for forgiveness but that takes time. You can’t expect that right away. At least not from me, but I am not everyone, nor do I make decisions for others.

[...]I know a lot of people are saying you are brave for doing this but, honestly this is just meeting the standards of human decency. You shouldn’t have been involved in the first place, if you wanted to be brave you should have warned us when it started.

Now all of that being said I don’t wish you to be crucified, and I am sorry that you too received anon hate from people you considered friend, I know how that feels. I’m glad that you realized and confessed to the mistakes you have made, however I will say that it shouldn’t have taken being bullied yourself to realize what you were doing hurt others.

I do hope that you get that help that you need.

I also hope that you enjoy Season 3.

khaleesibelle

Though my initial reaction was to immediately praise this person for their honesty, after about 15 minutes, I started to feel a little bit more like this, but I felt like retracting my statement would be weird. I was severely hurt by some of this hate, and it threw quite the monkey wrench into my recovery process. This is a beautiful apology, but it was certainly due. Thanks for putting this into words for me, twin.

mydarling-bell (reply to khaleesibelle)

I keep hearing about this bullying issues in the Once fandom, but I’ve personally, gladly, never experienced it. I am, annoyed, and upset, I guess, that people are doing this. That people in the SQ fandom are doing this. Yet, this probably happens in all fandoms. After all, fandoms are also just a reflection of society. I think what you’re doing here is good, but I think it’d be great if you could send the people you bullied a personal apology. If that is possible, that is. I am not expecting you to name other bullies. I think your post might help others see what is going on, and make it easier to just delete those cowardly messages in the future.

crashed17

This do takes a great deal of bravery and guts, and I am so, so, so impressed this has come to open light. Though I can’t apologize from a beginning, neither forgetting, I see this post as a very good step for asking for forgiveness.

And this, guys, shows how rotten is our fandom. How volatile it is. I really hope all the haters can get their shit together and just stop the hate because it has become the main problem of this fandom, and also, the main reason of some people leaving it.

Posted on Friday, 27 September 2013 / 262 notes Reblogged from myhereiam Tagged: #wow #this was unexpected #this is what i call a fucking plot twist #and this also proves my theory that some parts of this fandom are completely rotten and are just dead for me #i know tons of nice people #but sometimes it happens to find that there are some black bones who make everything awful #i will stop now but jesus #i am dead #ouat wank #ouat hate

arandano-den

I really think it’s important that people take a few minutes to read this. I am in awe of how brave this person is to talk about some things that they (and others) have done in the name of the Swan Queen fandom. This is not an attack on the SQ fandom, and myhereiam makes it clear that they’re talking about a small group. They talk about anon hate, among other things, and I think it’s important especially for anyone who has received hate to understand where some of it came from.

This is the person who warned me about the anon hate campaign a couple of weeks ago, and they got hate about doing that. They’re afraid of getting hate for this too and I hope and pray that they don’t, and worry that they will.

Thank you, myhereiam, for this incredible bravery and I hope that you are still able to enjoy your ship, and that no one ruins it for you.

nothingeverlost

Wow

[reaction image]

This person is incredibly brave. If I had done something so awful, I would never have had the courage to post this. Thank you, myhereiam. I was wondering why so many wonderful people in our fandom were getting this kind of hatred, and it’s thanks to someone brave like you that they were able to get through this, even if some of the things you and your friends did were so long ago.

rumple-gold

A very brave post indeed! (Belle would be proud!)

I’d like to thank you for the insights. There is so much bullying in the OUAT fandom, which is something which has always disgusted me. Now I understand why, and that’s better than just thinking that there’s some person out there that likes to make other people suicidal.

I hope this will help to wake up some bullies that being in a fandom does not mean feeling nothing but hate towards 90% of the fandom. Embrace the diversity in the people that enjoy the show. Embrace all different ships, whether it is Rumbelle, Swan Queen, Red Cricket, Golden Swan, Mad Hook or whatever! Everybody is writing about the same thing: love - in one way or another. Let that bind us, not separate us.

Also, I dislike the numerous confessions blogs that give these haters a platform for their games of manipulation. The OUAT fandoms is one of the most childish fandoms online because of it, and that is something that saddens me.

The show is not perfect - especially last season had its moments where criticism was needed (August’s storyline in season 2? Hook’s rape jokes? Amnesiac!Belle’s storyline? Writers not knowing what to do with Red’s character, causing Meghan Ory to look for another job?), but the fandom should be a place to come home to, a place where people can rant and get a pat on the shoulder after venting their feelings towards the canon. It should not be a place where people are attacked for supporting or not supporting ships.

Whether more people come out or not, does not matter to me. I’d like the bullying to stop. Even ex-bulliers can be a part of the fandom. But people that will continue to send hate, will only gather up more bad karma. You won’t feel better about yourself for doing so. It will come to haunt you. Maybe not now, but once you grow up. Stop doing it.

cartoonjessie

Bravo. I commend you for coming out– it takes a lot of guts to do this! You’re very brave. Definitely read this if you haven’t, guys. It’s worth it.

borafen

i've reread this 5 times and just... wow? I'm glad you realized what you were doing was wrong and moved on, i'm sorry that whole thing happened in the first place? i just... i'm speechless

Tags: #i don't know why i'm reblogging this#but i just...#WOW#this took a great deal of bravery i guess#and explains a lot of things?#this fandom is so messed up tho i want out omfg#ouat fandom wank

monicabinq

actually this link goes with the callafallon link above and should be archived

I really think it’s important that people take a few minutes to read this. I am in awe of how brave this person is to talk about some things that they (and others) have done in the name of the Swan Queen fandom. This is not an attack on the SQ fandom, and myhereiam makes it clear that they’re talking about a small group. They talk about anon hate, among other things, and I think it’s important especially for anyone who has received hate to understand where some of it came from.

This is the person who warned me about the anon hate campaign a couple of weeks ago, and they got hate about doing that. They’re afraid of getting hate for this too and I hope and pray that they don’t, and worry that they will.

Thank you, myhereiam, for this incredible bravery and I hope that you are still able to enjoy your ship, and that no one ruins it for you.

nothingeverlost

oh my god, I knew things were bad but I didn’t think they were this bad. Thank you so much for your honesty and bravery. I hope you don’t get the hate you’re expecting as you don’t deserve it. You may have participated in some horrible actions in the past but what you’ve done since is wonderful. You’ve grown and learnt and changed your thinking and that’s more than some people do in their whole lives.

I hope with all my heart that the rest of the OUAT fandom can make the same strides you have.

velmadinkleygothedit

more "brave" posts (with Harry Potter references): thedooblydont and captainpikeachu

So if this is true, now I know why I got anon hate telling me I should get raped because I don’t think telling an actor to eat a poison apple is in any way okay. Wow.

misscamthenorwegian

This is extremely brave of you to post this. Also, this just proved my point last night during an argument that there are SQers who are bullies. Bullying people is not a great way to fight for the LGBT cause and as a bisexual it’s extremely embarrassing to see this going on. A lot causes such as civil rights were not fought with violence, but with peaceful protests and education. Harassment, name calling, and drama stirring will only turn people away from fighting for you to get equal rights.

I received anon hate last night because I dared to call out one SQer’s BS about a boycott, this same person sent Ginny Goodwin a death threat only a few hours prior.

And I was called the rude one and attacked because I happen to ship Rumbelle and CaptainSwan.

Ship and let ship, but bullying is where the line is drawn for me. I can’t respect people like that.

bratprncemain

Interesting post.

Also nice to know there actually was some logical explanation for the hate Rumbelle fandom received last summer.Well,sort of.

istolethewind


This person is amazing. Thank you so much for coming forward, for being honest. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been. I have only received one Anon hate message (I’m fairly newish to Tumblr), but I’ve seen some of the hate that’s gone around and I know it must be difficult to step out of the shadows and say “I’m sorry…I was part of it…and I regret it.”

You are brave and beautiful for doing this.

spottytonguedog


Everyone, take a look at this. This is not only a very brave person who stands forward, it is also a very serious thing that people need to listen too. I have never seen or experienced any bullying based on a ship, mostly because I´m new here on Tumblr, but this is really awful hearing about. I know how much you can care about a show and a ship, but this is just something I have trouble imagine, fans attacking other fans like that. Myhereiam is so brave to stand forward. Thank you so much!

siff-andneverknighted

you), this means so much. It’s a truly brave thing to find and acknowledge a fault in one’s actions. To then confess and apologize for it takes courage few have.

Know that your actions are forgiven, and thank you for being a friend to the fandom.

mountainlane

I read this entire post, and I am so very proud of this person for standing up and saying, "enough is enough."

I am proud because I've never seen bullying and hate within the Rumbelle fandom, but it's not like we're perfect, either. I'm sad to have been attacked by some SQ shippers under my old URL for having an opinion, but I also know that not all SQ shippers are like that.

We, as a society, assume too much about others. If someone who is LGBQT is being bullied for not supporting a ship, fuck that. Fuck bullying within groups who have already had their fair share. I think the internet has made it easier for us to think we know people...but we don't. We don't know what someone's life is really like.

As the poster said, this isn't even a SQ thing, this is a bullying thing. Hell, I'm an avid cosplayer and have been involved in that community for fourteen years...and guess what, people in that community can be vicious as hell. Especially in the guise of Anon. And the saddest part is, we've probably all been bullied in school for being geeks or nerds or LGBQT or too skinny or too fat or wearing glasses or braces...

And yet, when we find people who include us, it becomes suddenly easy to become the tormentor?

The Once fandom needs to stand up against bullying, period. We need to stop sending hate to the actors and creators, and to each other. Ship and let ship, and grow the fuck up.

sensitive-inferno

Myhereiam, you don’t have your ask enabled and I can’t send you fan mail, so I’ll just reblog this to tell you that I think this was very, very brave of you. I don’t know you and this may not mean much, but I am genuinely proud of you. I admire your bravery and wish you the best. :)

acoupletshort

This person is amazing. Thank you so much for coming forward, for being honest. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been. I have only received one Anon hate message (I’m fairly newish to Tumblr), but I’ve seen some of the hate that’s gone around and I know it must be difficult to step out of the shadows and say “I’m sorry…I was part of it…and I regret it.”

spottytonguedog

In my few weeks so far on Tumblr, this is the bravest and most honorable thing I have seen. Thank you so much for posting this. It’s only been a few weeks, and the hate has made me want to leave, but then there are wonderful people like this. :)

Thank you.

esinofsardis

This reblog by nothingeverlost was actually the first reblog (maybe?) that spread it among the wider fandom, so probalby move up to the top:

I really think it’s important that people take a few minutes to read this. I am in awe of how brave this person is to talk about some things that they (and others) have done in the name of the Swan Queen fandom. This is not an attack on the SQ fandom, and myhereiam…

nothingeverlost

https://nothingeverlost.tumblr.com/post/62354635648/i-dont-know-how-to-feel-about-the-myhereiam -- anon not sure how to feel, people who never bullied anyone should be praised

https://nothingeverlost.tumblr.com/post/62356828583/confessions-of-a-bully -- calling this "business as usual for fans who get pissed off", NEL says they haven't seen this before in their other fandoms going back a decade

https://nothingeverlost.tumblr.com/post/62357206362/what-is-really-upsetting-me-is-that-it-was-so -- "What is really upsetting me is that it was so organized..."

https://nothingeverlost.tumblr.com/post/62390619670/i-just-the-thing-i-think-is-so-great-about-what -- this meta will help people "build defense mechanisms" against similar bullying in the future

Responses years later

2018:

This post is from 2013 but I believe is something that many people in current fandom communities need to read and reflect on.

ravynashling, 2018

As much as i'd like to think that philosophy would work, there are people who actually enjoy being angry or justify what terrible things they're doing by considering themselves a Hero. I remember reading a post about a situation like that in the Once Upon a Time Fandom. It's sad but an interesting look into those kind of people

@GummyDinosaursify on Youtube, 2017 or 2018

Followup

References

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